The Greatest Regret

It's been a long time since I have blogged. I was getting to a point in my treatment and my therapy that we were able to see more good days then bad...I had finally started to forgive myself....I was finally able to see the good in the world again, I didn't hate everyone and everything like before...and then the rug was pulled out from under me....I feel like its July 30th, 2015 all over again....every small crack that was glued back together was shattered this Monday all over again. When your life stops and its not your choice...and all you can hear is your heart breaking....There is no greater regret than missing a text or phone call from someone who is on the ledge and decides life has lost its meaning. To be the life line and not there for someone....This is beyond understanding....beyond acceptance.... my heart and head are so broken..... This week I lost another loved one to suicide...the father to Sara, a friend to so many...one of the biggest and most stubborn men I know. James, Jim aka Shorty was a fighter...a warrior in all regards of the word. We grew up together, raised a child together, loved together and lost together....while we had many many disagreements we always agreed that Sara was created out of love and with her life was meaning and had purpose. We didn't deserve the hand that was dealt to us. We didn't deserve anything that happened over the last 3 years. Suicide shatters lives and it feels like dropping a bomb into a room with everyone you love. Some will survive but everyone will forever be altered. The loss of Sara was the single worst thing I have ever gone through. I am still not over it. You never get over it. I lost my best friend and my little girl.  I have just been crawling through this huge pile of shit covered in fire.Going to therapy and support groups just to find the ability to breath...Just when I felt like I was going to be able to stand up, I was given another huge pile of grief and regret to carry. The thousand pounds of grief I was already carrying has now tripled in weight and hurt. Its like adding explosives to my already broken existence and watching it burn. What were you thinking....why....why this time...what was the tipping point....you survived 3 years living on life support....Life support is how I describe the feeling of losing a child. You are doing everything to just keep breathing. Every day is a new day to fight through and keep your head up..its not easy it's hard and scary for those whom love you...Its a constant battle inside your every existence...you keep pushing through. James, you decided to take yourself off of  life support. You decided that your life wasn't living...I know what it feels like to feel the loss day in and day out... the heart break... the yearning to see your loved one. The irreplaceable hole in your life and heart. DAMN YOU!!!! You were not supposed to leave me with all this guilt and heartbreak...who will remind me that its not my fault and that you don't blame me???? Who will help me remember all the good times when Sara was little?? Who will help me keep her all those memories alive!!!!I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be that poor girl who everyone looks at with such sadness..since when was it ok to just leave me? You promised me! You told me you would stay!!!! Stay Gold Pony Boy!! Remember we had a DEAL!!!! You told me you didn't want to die! You told me you would always be here! You took all of this from me and for that I am so angry at you. I am so mad that left me like she did. Your life support was NOT OUT! It was not your time! I am angry at you! I am allowed to be angry and mad at you! I am allowed to yell and scream at you!!! What you did has hurt so many people who loved you! I don't blame you for missing Sara, I don't blame you for being sad and losing the want to live....I am so heartbroken you left the way you did....So many questions...so many unanswered questions...FUCK! Who will text me back the same words and understand what it means! I want to scream at you! I want to hit you! Who will help me remember her passwords!!!! Seriously!!! I have now lost access to her stuff...all of it....you kept access to that for us!!! Who will share pictures and memories that I have long forgotten!!! I have so many feelings and things left to say that went unsaid....Do you know how much of an amazing dad you were? Do you know what an awesome friend you were? Do you know how many people cared about you!!!!! I hate that the pain became more than your want to live. I hate that your life has ended. I hate that you left me to carry this all! I am so mad and sad and broken. I am so afraid to fail with how I am suppose to react or not react. I don't want to be strong and just move on....I don't want to just forget...I can't. You were apart of 20+ years of my life. This choice that you made impacts so much and so many. You knew the nightmares I faced!!! I'm so angry that you would do this to the ones who loved you! They say that grief has many stages...this adds so much more levels of grief and sorrow. I'm afraid to revert back in my grief process...who will help me decide what to do with her ashes....so many questions....people I care about keep leaving me..giving me the ultimate FUCK YOU....how will I ever feel secure about anything....I'm already afraid of EVERYTHING!!! Guilt is hard to fight day after day!!!! I don't want to disappoint the people who love me but I feel like I have failed you so why would I not fail all of them as well. I am TIRED of being broken, sad, and exhausted with our lives being smothered in death by choice. I am tired of life handing me shit! I'm tired being broken beyond repair....I'm so shattered by how our lives have played out....We deserved a better life....we deserved to be happy....we didn't deserve this...I spent the last 3 years trying to save others while climbing out of the fiery depths of my OWN HELL...being the voice for the voiceless...being strong for the weak....being courageous regardless of the fears I faced daily....fighting my own demons to get better...to fight through the flashbacks and nightmares....to have you walk out of our lives like you did....I'm so angry with you! I don't care how anyone feels about me saying it! I am angry with you! I want to hate you right now! I want to look you in the face and tell you how much you hurt me! How much damage you have done again when you promised me! You told me you would always be here to help carry the burden to help me through....I am so sorry that your heart was broken beyond repair. I am so sorry that love could not heal our wounds...I'm sorry that Sara left us both. I hope that you are at peace and you are no longer hurting. I pray that you feel no more pain and sorrow but most of all...I pray for the living that you left behind...I pray for your family and mine. I pray that this cycle stops and does not continue. I pray that no one else's family walks in the same shoes that we are faced to walk in. I pray that my heart finds a way to forgive. I pray my heart finds healing and hope again! You will be missed and never forgotten! James Michael may you fly high with the angels...may you give our daughter the biggest hug from me, may you find peace and love...always...

Year 2

It feels like its been a century since I have shared my feelings. Lately I feel like if I don't express my feelings that I may have a nervous breakdown. I took some time away from blogging to focus on some deep wounds that I was carrying around with the loss of my daughter and to manage the emotions that I was having with bringing another daughter into this world. I wasn't sure that I was good enough to have another daughter. My broken heart told me that I didn't deserve to be a mom again. Oh how my mind played tricks on me and my emotions during the last 10 months. I remember having mental fights with the thoughts of failure looming into my mind.  I struggled to keep it together constantly being reminded by my own mind how I had failed Sara and how I would fail this daughter as well. Each night as I lay there thinking, how I could have stopped Sara from ending her life if only I would have talked to her about mental health. If only I had made her mental health as important as I did her social and educational needs. If only…The if only’s were like demons set on attacking when my defenses were at the very lowest.  Since I have started this journey I have been faced with fears, doubts and monsters from within that I never thought I would face. With each passing day I am reminded that she is not here with me and with each passing day my heart breaks just that much more. Someone once told me that the 2^nd year was harder than the first and I thought this can’t be true. There is no way I can handle worse than what I was facing.  I understand now what they really meant. The pain never goes away. It’s always present but the feelings are different. The pain is joined by other feelings making it worse than the year prior. There is this yearning that eats away at your heart along with the pain. I think that is just builds on to the pain. On top of suffering, you add yearning. I am not sure what the next year will add on to what I am currently handling but I hold on to hope that with each passing day my story helps someone else seek help. I hope that parents make mental health a priority and that children feel empowered to reach out when a friend is struggling. #SPEAKUP #CELEBRATESARA #BREAKTHESILENCE

Organ/Tissue Donor-Letter to the recipients

I received a letter from Midwest Transplant offering to give a letter to the individuals who were able to benefit from Sara's tissue/organ donations. I can't remember everything that she was able to donate and frankly the thought of it makes me want to scream. Her organs were not able to save others but with the technology today there were many things that they were able to donate. I wasn't sure that this was something that I could do...write a letter to the persons who received a piece of my child. The child that I brought into this world and the child that I had to cremate. I thought this over and over. I would pull out the brochure for Midwest Transplant and slam it back in her pile of papers. I was angry at God and everyone else for me having to go through this. I was still grieving and now I am supposed to write a letter to someone who is still breathing. Before I was able to push it out of my mind and keep the thoughts at bay, over the last few days its been tugging at my heart. Its like a huge horn blaring in my head. So I sat down last night and began to write the letter. So many things were running through my head- who received her donation? How old are they? Did they know the sacrifice that we faced? Did they know that this donation was the last act of kindness she was able to give? Would she have wanted this? Would she be upset at the choices we made? Would these people be old, young-would they feel thankful or would they take it for granted. I have never thought more about one single living act so much as I have in the last few days and what this meant to me and our family. As a organ donor myself, I never thought that I would be faced with making that choice for my child and I had already made the decision for my family in the event of my own passing. My beliefs have not changed in helping others as the last act of kindness and I am thankful that we were able to at least help a few people in her passing. As I was finishing this letter, I looked outside and on the branch of the tree was a beautiful pigeon bird looking at me. The sighting of a pigeon is most commonly said to represent home and security. It is also believed that spotting a pigeon are considered spirit messengers that carry communication between the worlds of the living and the dead. In that moment, I feel at peace with my letter to the recipients who received a piece of my beautiful daughter. I feel guilty for wishing that I was one of those people who received a piece of her.  If only and what ifs.... 

Letter to recipients-

To the recipient who received the most precious gift of all which is the gift that someone I loved donated a piece of who they were so that others can continue to grow and live on. I appreciate the opportunity to share about our angel. Her name was Sara. I am her mother. She was a 16 year old young girl with her life ahead of her when she passed suddenly. She comes from a very loving and close family. She has a brother and a sister. All about Sara "Bob" Her nickname was “Bob” since she was a very little girl. Sara was amazing from the day she was born. God saved me the day he gave me her. From the moment she was born she was loved. She gave me a reason to live laugh and love. She loved to make people laugh. She liked to help others. She loved Ramen noodles. She loved to bake, not just out of a box but putting all the ingredients together. She loved cupcakes. She loved pancakes. She loved to correct people when they were wrong, she didn't mean too but she couldn't help it she was so darn smart. She was most of the time the smartest person in the room. She loved to draw and doodle. She loved to play the piano even though only her dad ever heard her play. She loved hot tamales as in the candy. She loved penguins. That was her favorite animal in the world. She had a ton of them all over her room. She loved Tinkerbell and collected them. She loved Disney when she was little. She loved scratcher tickets. She love Cos play and anime. She loved Fairy Tail anime. She loved to read. She started reading at the age of 3 and never stopped. She loved Roman and Greek mythology. She loved Harry Potter. She loved her two cats. She loved to play with Legos. She loved to play with play-doh but you couldn't mix the colors. She loved to snuggle with her mommy. She loved that I babied her. She loved to steal my blanket. She loved build a bear. She loved doing stage make up. She loved Stucco. She loved school. She was a natural at being smart. She always pushed herself to get good grades. She loved speaking Spanish.  She loved her Auntie Nici and her cousins.  She loved seeing her Aunt and Uncle every year in TN. She loved believing in Santa Clause for her little brother. She loved X-mas. She loved all the traditions that we have made over the 15 years. She loved making snicker doodles and sugar cookies every holiday. She loved going to anime conventions. She loved listening to music. She didn't like country but would listen with me anyways. She didn't love pictures but would take them anyways with me. She loved to play with snow. She loved fireworks. She loved watching Monk. She loved watching CSI. She loved the Ren Fest; she always wanted to be a fairy there. She loved doing scavenger hunts. She loved girl scouts. She loved organizing things. She loved couponing with her mom. She loved helping me save money. She loved games on her phone. She loved chopping wood with the ax because it freaked me out. She loved playing with the fire pit. She liked the movie Frozen. She loved her friends. She loved to help them with anything they needed. She was a procrastinator at times. She loved doing gymnastics. She loved Spain and being free. She loved cupcakes!!! She loved collecting markers and sharpie’s. She loved cinnamon coffee cakes. She loved being Elf 1 for Christmas. She loved cinnamon rolls. She loved her dad's chocolate chip cookies. She wasn't into social media. She loved old time type writers. She just got one for Xmas. She loved to hide under the bed and scare Jason. She did not like to do laundry even though she always did help with mine. She loved the movie Catch me if you can. She loved Care bears when she was little. She loved blue’s clues. She loved yellow ducky. She did not like peanut butter at all. She loved anything made out of bread, well almost. She loved playing Minecraft. She loved jumping on mini trampolines. She loved driving the golf cart. She loved hanging out in her room listening to her music. She loved letting me play with her hair. She loved letting me take care of her like she was little because I needed to feel needed. She loved to use her bow like Katniss Everdeen. She loved animals. She loved being free. She loved calling people jerk butts. She liked pink but only when she was little. However recently she like purple, Teal, and Silver as her favorite colors.  She also liked black. She loved stealing my oversized hoodies. She didn't like shopping but before she went to Spain she let me take her. We bought her dresses. I loved that memory with her. She wasn't a huge dress wearing person. She was beautiful. I loved her infectious smile. She loved to boop her family on the nose. We called her Rhinoceros Sara. I was Princess Mommy. I loved to call her by her middle name when she was in trouble which was never. Most of the time I used her middle name to let her know I was serious or the mom had spoken. She loved the movie Zoom. She loved milk...like loved it. She would drink Hersey chocolate powder only, no chocolate syrup in her milk. She loved drawing snails. She didn't really like being in big groups of people. She was never mean to people because she didn't like how people had been mean to her growing up. She loved challenging me mentally. She always did things to make me feel better. She was my angel in more ways than one. She didn't care for sports. She loved playing D&. She loved her friends. She loved playing board games. She loved playing rummy cube and I had to cheat to beat her. She loved subway sandwiches-white bread turkey only. She loved Doritos. She loved BBQ Chips Lays only. She didn't like many foods but the ones she loved. She ate a lot of them. She loved Webkinz when she was little. She loved going to Title boxing. She loved learning new things. She didn't like being illogical. She loved helping her friends anytime they needed it. She like playing the game Harry Potter Clue. She won more school academic awards than anyone I know. She won the Spelling Bee 4 years in a row. She loved being smart and being a NERD. She had a 4.7 GPA in school going into her junior year. These are just a few of the things that she loved. I miss her every day of every moment but I do find comfort that she was able to help others as her last act of kindness. I never asked Sara if that was something she would have wanted but at the time of her death, I felt as though if she could help just one person she would have wanted it.

Allie

Allison Danielle Doss

Loved on who passed: Sara Renea Prideaux

Date of donation: July 30^th (this was the day she passed)

What are you afraid of?

As a mother, I want to share her story.  I want someone to allow me to share the loss our community has endured. This was not just a lost soul or a lost cause-she was my child, my baby, my everything and she saved my life. She was the reason to live and to better myself in life.  Unless you were close to our family, the loss only seems like another sad event. It’s hard to perceive or understand or even grasp the utter catastrophic magnitude of what suicide loss really is yet this is becoming so many families’ realities. My circle of family has grown two fold because of one single act that links us all. We share the magnitude of our loss and the method is suicide.  In a moment you have everything and in a flash it’s all gone with just a blink of an eye.  That Thursday morning was like any other morning before. I got up, got ready and went to work. Around 1pm, Sara text me and I replied. Nothing and I mean NOTHING indicated trouble. Nothing out of the normal teenager behavior such as playing on iphone and listening to music or staying up late because it was the summer.  After all, I had lived through some of the worst times in my life. I lost my father to mental illness when I was 8 years old. The disease killed him in less than a year and yes the method was suicide. It destroyed my mother and my family. My mother tried to save him but it was too late.  Our family divided fought to stay together but ended in shattered relationships still to this day broken.

Fast forward 27 years. We had it all.   I had a great new career, amazing friends, loving family, beautiful and smart daughter,  married the love of my life, had the blessing of becoming a bonus mom to an adorable little boy, Sara had an amazing dad and now a bonus dad as well. Life couldn’t have been any better.  You won’t find two separated parents who got along better than Sara’s dad and me. We really had everything we wanted. Our life was what I would call “perfectly imperfect” In the turning of a door handle, my world shattered, crumbled to nothing. Everything I ever knew was gone and I was frozen in time. It was like I was watching this horror movie from the front row. I could tell that it was me but I couldn’t change any of the outcomes. My voice that used to be loud, powerful, and command attention was now this little soft voice of a child…screaming and crying for this nightmare to stop.  I can still hear the screams, my screams to this day in my mind. This day, this moment will forever be burned into my soul, the very essence of who I am now.  I will never forget that moment.

After months of therapy and EMDR treatment, I have given myself permission to cloud that last memory I have of my precious angel. At first, I felt like I had to hold on to this memory for dear life. After all I was the only one who had found her that day, I was the one who couldn’t save her.  Even if it would eat away at whatever pieces of my former self were left, I felt like I had to cling to this last memory of her. I had this thought that if I forgot that moment, then people would forget her and if they forgot her…I would not survive. How could I survive the loss of the only thing that gave my life purpose? Sometimes the image flashes into my head without permission and without resistance, I find myself crippled as if it was that exact moment all over again. Frozen between what is real and what is past.  I have spent months training my brain to allow my picture perfect memory I have, to be altered.  I often find myself shaking my head as the memory lingers in my thoughts. It’s like shaking me back to reality that this is real but I am not trapped in that moment. I try to keep from allowing myself to relive that exact moment and instead I try to focus on a moment that she lived or a moment that she laughed.  The magnitude of the loss will never change, I will forever have part of who I am destroyed…shattered into a million of unrecognizable pieces. The pieces of who I am now are transformed. Some pieces died that day, some pieces of who I am are lost forever and some pieces are so badly damaged that only death will pull them back from the depths of hell.  The people who are closest to me cling to the person I was, all while learning to love the person I have morphed into.  

For the most part, change is a good even if we don’t see the reason right at the beginning. However, this type of alteration is something that you never adapt to. I am 280 days since the last time I saw my daughter breathing and not a day goes by that every essence of who I am doesn’t beg the universe that this is not my reality. Not a day goes by that I don’t ask myself what I could have done to save her.  With every day that comes and passes, I remind myself of how she lived and I find hope in that her story will change the course of someone else’s battle.  Sara had the ability to do anything she wanted in life.  Sara was going to change the world. Her kind heart, infectious smile and her ability to touch your soul was astounding at the young age of 16.  Sara was my only daughter, my best friend and my entire world. She is my only. Sara was a gifted child who spoke many languages, excelled in anything that had to do with school. She had a 4.7 GPA when she passed suddenly in July. She spent her life making others laugh and smile. She would make you cookies just to brighten your day. She never got in trouble. She wasn’t into boys or drugs. She came from a good home.  She had family who adored and loved her to no end. This is seen now in our fight to save others like Sara.  She wanted for nothing. When you saw Sara, she looked as though she had it all. What I didn’t see as her mother was that some of the struggles a teenager goes through hid the dark depression and anxiety that she was facing. She was a perfectionists but I saw this as a strength.  She died suddenly from a disease called mental illness but the method was suicide. What I didn’t see was the silent disease that ate away at her every essence of who she was. I have suffered the greatest loss a mother can go through but I still find hope in the world. Since her death, I have spent every moment of my time to save others by educating. I helped form a non-profit that brings awareness and education to teens, parents and teachers it’s called Speak Up. I created a blog to share my journey in hopes that it will help others have the conversation because what I would give to be able to ask Sara if she has ever thought about killing herself. I have testified in front of the Senate/House of Reps to get laws changed to bring mandatory suicide training to educators. I search for hope in this dark deep world that she left me in. I try to give others hope that they can find their peace after such a tragedy. Some days I get out of bed to change the world she left me in. Other days, I hide my head from the world because the reality that she is gone forever is all too much. I give myself permission to have a bad day yet I don’t stay there forever.  Every 12 minutes, we lose another to suicide. It’s an epidemic. 2^nd leading cause in death ages 10-24. What are you doing to change the world? What are you doing to save your children? What are you afraid of? Speak Up and break the silence. 

Six Months Since

They say it takes three weeks to change a habit or circumstance. One would logically think that six months of time passing, one would be able to tell you that some things are OK. In reality losing somebody you love and losing them to suicide will never feel okay.  Sara lost her battle to an illness that was in her case fatal. The method may have been suicide. It doesn't have to be. Losing a child to suicide is unnatural and the questions that we are left with attack our very soul. Some days its like time stands still. You are frozen in that last memory of your loved one...echoing in your mind. The day plays in repeat in my head...I should have done this or I should have done that or I could have done this...the if only's that I pray night and night again that no one else will have to face. After six months, there is no overcoming, there is no going back to normal. There is before and after her death. I see videos of me before her death and it feels like a 100 years since that moment. I cant remember the last time I felt complete and happy with the world, let alone myself.  After six months, the pain is just as bad as it was the day that I found her. After six months, the sorrow empty feelings have just grown bigger, larger and more intense. I can barely listen to music. I don't find it soothing or helpful like before. Instead it tears up my soul thinking of all the songs we used to sing together when we drove home from school. I can hear her in my mind singing "I'll pray for you". She hated country music but would listen with me. Doing things like getting ready in the morning are often debilitating because for 16 years every morning was filled with our routine. We would get ready together in the same bathroom and prepare for our day. She was my best friend. I would be putting on my make up and she would be brushing her teeth...it was moments like that  I would take the opportunity to brush her hair for her. It was our moment that she reminded me she was my little girl. God what I would do to be able to brush her hair again just one more time. Every morning when my alarm goes off, I'm reminded that my life keeps going and hers has ended. People ask how I get up in the morning...to be honest I am not sure.  Some days...I just wish my heart would stop because the pain is so intense. Missing her...There is no tap tap tap on my shoulder from a very sleepy teenager, there is no fighting over who would take the shower first. There isn't one moment that she isn't on my mind. Before Sara's death, I would've told you that I was a survivor and that I was handed every challenge you could possibly handle and that I had overcome them one by one. I wore my scars like medals...proudly standing my ground. I don't see myself as a survivor. In my world-You don't survive suicide loss. You don't survive losing a child. I'm a warrior and I fight like hell every day to continue living and breathing without my child. There are some days when all you do is pray to God or whoever you believe in that the pain that is taking over you STOPS. After losing a child to suicide, I can say that my faith was tested to the breaking point. I hold no judgement for anyone's beliefs. 
Six months ago doesn't feel like a long time when you think about, six months...think of how many things you do in that time. I'm just six months into a lifetime of living without her...I have been forced a walk down death row inside my own body, mind and heart. I wonder sometimes if this is how she felt. I wonder if her pain was anything like I feel...how long had she fought the pain inside without reaching for help. How long would I last if I didn't seek help?  When I look back in my mind retrospectively it has felt like an eternity of walking through hell and the worst horror you could ever imagine. Every day I wake up and its like my life is on repeat, same hell, same sorrow, same nightmare, over and over. You think at night...please please please let me wake up from this nightmare. Please let this be just a bad dream. Please let this not be my life. I would not wish this nightmare on my worst enemy. Nothing will ever be the same. That is the hardest thing to grasp because I believe that we have the power to change things around us. I believe that we have the power and the ability to make a difference. I showed my daughter that she could change the world if she wanted to. In this case, there is nothing that I can do to change the outcome of the death of my daughter. I find myself in between this fog of disbelief and despair...the waves come faster and faster, one minute you're maintaining the screams in your head; the next minute, you're on your knees, no warning...no ability to hold on sucker punch right to the core of you. I feel like I am in a constant battle within my own mind. I miss who I once was living my perfect life, with my perfect family, with my perfect child, yeah we had our imperfect things but that is what made us perfect in my eyes. I didn't really need perfect, I had it already. When you lose a child, it changes you in ways you never thought possible. I see pictures of me and I see the sadness that has taken over. I am broken but I am climbing through the depths of hell. My fight will  not be over until my last breath, I will continue to try to help others. 

Please like and share our facebook page-we will be giving out a Speak Up Hoodie and T-Shirt randomly to 2 of our supporters when we hit 1000 likes!!!

https://www.facebook.com/speakup.us/?fref=ts


We also have hoodies, bands, car decals and t shirts for purchase(limited sizes) 
or 
if you just want to make a donation. ***All donations are used in the community. Send me a message for orders to prinalle2@gmail.com Subject line:SPEAK UP or select the link below just to make a donation. 

https://www.paypal.me/alliedoss

Need help? United States:

1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

TEXT TRAINED CRISIS COUNSELORS ABOUT ANYTHING THAT’S ON YOUR MIND. 

TEXT “GO” TO 741-741

FREE, 24/7, CONFIDENTIAL.

Secrets

Secrets

I speak for others but not for myself.

I can share their stories with everyone else.

So why do I hide behind my own pain?

So afraid of the backlash, whispers and shame.

People see an image of me,

Happy, alive, outgoing and carefree.

But, if the only knew what was lurking inside,

If the heard the demons I try to hide.

What would they think of the struggles in my brain?

Would they laugh at me? Hate me? Call me insane?

People think my life is perfect, a picture from a book.

But they might see so much more if they took a closer look.

I have much to be thankful for the blessings are great,

But under the image is doubt, inferiority and self hate.

I smile for others, it’s what they want to see.

I put on my show, pretending everyone wants to be me.

But when all is said and done and I am all alone,

The darkness comes creeping in, weighing my heart like a stone.

I want to shout out for someone to hear.

I want someone to take away all these fears.

But I cant let anyone know the thoughts in my head ,

The feelings of fear, doubt and dread.

If I reached out what would they say?

Would they say its for attention and walk away?

Would they say get over yourself you have nothing to worry about?

Your life is perfect, stand up, shut up, figure it out.

So many suffer with much greater ordeals.

Your just selfish, hormonal, go take a pill.

And they are right, so many struggle far worse then I.

So I hide it all away and I lie, lie lie.

But the demons don’t care who you pretend to be.

They creep in and taunt you, make you see what they see.

You are worthless, you fail at all you try.

You hurt everyone who loves you, maybe you should die.

The world wouldn’t miss you if you went away.

It would go on turning, so why bother to stay.

You cant do anything right, you fail at all you do.

How could you really expect anyone to love you?

Soon the words become images in my head.

Examples in my life to support the fear and dread.

I am suffocated with pain, alone in the night.

Struggling in my own hell, trying not to lose the fight.

I reach through the oppressive sadness,

Turning my back, running from the madness.

Why cant I find my own voice?

I am sinking, drowning, and its not a choice.

I want to shout out, to share the hurt inside.

But who would understand me, in  who could I confide?

I stand quite and frozen, by my fears I am confined.

I am all alone, dying, tortured by my own mind.

I sink deeper and deeper, over come with despair.

Panic squeezing my chest, leaving me without air.

Who could I turn to, who could I make see?

Is there anyone who will listen without judging me?

I feel so alone, everyone has turned away.

What is wrong with me, why doesn’t anyone stay?

Just when I think the demons have won the war,

That I can fall no further and can take no more.

I choose to stand up and fight back instead.

Screaming out to drown the voices in my head.

I wont let them win, not this time.

I put on a smile and pretend I am fine.

Back to the beginning the cycle repeats.

No one must know, this is my secret to keep.

Author: Delilah 

Written in memory of Sara "Bob" and all those who suffer. 

Please do not keep secrets!
Speak Up, Reach Out!

Break The Silence!

End The Stigma!
Tell Someone!
U Matter!

Please like and share our facebook page-we will be giving out a Speak Up Hoodie and T-Shirt randomly to 2 of our supporters when we hit 1000 likes!!!

https://www.facebook.com/speakup.us/?fref=ts


We also have hoodies, bands, and t shirts for purchase(limited sizes) 
or 
if you just want to make a donation. ***All donations are used in the community. Send me a message for orders to prinalle2@gmail.com Subject line:SPEAK UP or select the link below just to make a donation. 

https://www.paypal.me/alliedoss

Need help? United States:

1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

TEXT TRAINED CRISIS COUNSELORS ABOUT ANYTHING THAT’S ON YOUR MIND. 

TEXT “GO” TO 741-741

FREE, 24/7, CONFIDENTIAL.

Signs Symptoms Hindsight Theories

Signs Symptoms Hindsight Theories...that is what I am left to think about the rest of my breathing life, just to name a few of the things that torture me throughout my days into my nights...I have learned a lot about myself in the last 6 months. One thing is that I had this image of what a suicidal person looked like…after all I had lost my father to suicide in 1989. I was taught a hard lesson about suicide at a very young age. He was hospitalized and showed many signs that he was “at risk.” My mother tried everything she could to save him.  He had anger issues and suffered for many years with his own brain lies. He lost the battle when he over dosed on his medication the VA gave him one week after they sent him home from the mental hospital saying "He was fine" ...I still wonder to this day how life would be if he was able to find his way...He ended his life forcing my mother to raise two children on her own in a world where the stigma behind suicide was awful and unspoken. Forcing my life into a lifelong battle of questions and torture.  Being a child from a shattered home, I too suffered with thoughts of ending my life. I knew what I went through as a kid. So when I became a mom out of high school, I made damn sure that my own child would never struggle, she would never feel pain like I had, and she would never feel unloved and alone.  She would be loved and protected by all those who loved her. I overcame it all to save her from repeating my past mistakes, choices, and struggles.   Before suicide took my daughter, in my mind a suicidal person would be someone who “looked a certain way”. They came from a broken home, someone who had no support, and someone who didn’t take care of themselves, someone that society deemed as depressed or someone who was into drugs and alcohol, or someone who was bullied for being different. They would have this look and society would just “know” that person is in need of help.  Yes I too was once this stupid judgmental person. I was once that person who said this wouldn't, couldn’t happen to my perfect little happy family. I was once that person who is like many of the people I meet now that would have asked “Oh was it drugs?” or “Oh was she bullied?” or “Oh did she get in trouble?” NO NO NO-she didn’t do anything. She was a great daughter. She never got in trouble. She was always getting great grades. She was always my angel. Unfortunately, Sara’s signs were discovered after her death.  It’s a little too late now...Its hindsight that we look back and now say well yes she had this or that. So what I have learned is that trying to identify the signs can be very difficult. I do not believe that there is only one way to solve this epidemic.   There is not checklist that will cover everything. The only thing that you can do is to ask the hard questions and hope that a repeated open conversation will allow your children to share open and honestly. Then you need to take the appropriate actions which include giving them the tools on how to respond if they have a peer who talks about death or being depressed.  We need to arm our children with tools on how to help their peers as well as arm ourselves with the proper tools.  Parenting didn’t come with a tool kit on how to survive it and get through it so we must adapt and conquer the obstacles that arise. While there were no highlighted red flags that I can say well shit I missed this or why didn’t I see that…what I can say is that when I look back at some of the signs to look for Sara had some of them but then I google PMS and half the signs for teenage PMS are the exact same.  Heck half the signs for suicide half the people I know have or show from one time or another. So there is more than just looking for signs. We as people need to start having the hard conversations. Some things that I share about Sara’s struggles I learned after she passed when people came forward to tell me that they wished they would have known more about depression and suicide or they thought that she was just being a normal teen…well our children are killing themselves. It’s the 2^nd leading cause and it’s only getting worse. There is not one tell tell reason to look for.   We need to give our teachers who are in the prime position to see signs, symptoms, or red flags more tools to identify at risk students or moments in a classroom. Senate Bill 363 does just that!  Suicide doesn’t pick the person or family. It’s an epidemic that is taking our youth. There is no magic serum to save our youth but just like cancer. When someone I loved was given a cancer diagnosis, we fought back and we fought back with all hell we could bring down. We didn’t judge them for having it and instead we rallied around them to life them up. Just like cancer, we have to try everything and anything to save them. With cancer we do surgery, chemo, radiation, and sometimes exploratory procedures…why because we want to give that person the best chance at life that we can give them so look at your conversation like this…you are giving your child different treatments options until you find the one that allows them to heal, grow, and cope.  What I would give to have the conversation with my daughter again….Recently someone shared with me that they took my advice and asked their child if they ever thought about hurting themselves….the used Sara’s story and her picture to help them start the conversation which I loved.  The child who is a young girl said “No but I have thought about killing myself.” As I am sure that parent was as taken back as I was when I heard this.  It was strange to me that the child would put those two things in different categories. To me hurting yourself and killing yourself would be in the same area of conversations. To kill yourself is to harm yourself but it’s clear that kids don’t think like we do.  It was heartbreaking that she had thought about killing herself. This small conversation turned into a larger conversation that is now allowing the child and mother to seek out different options on how to help this young girl heal, grow and cope. Again, what I would give to be able to have that conversation with my daughter. While we had conversations about my father’s death and how far I had come in my life losing him at a young age, I never thought I should worry about losing her too. Sara was a quiet and reserved child.  She was comfortable at being one of those smart nerdy kids. She loved being a nerd. She liked to play on her phone. She loved listening to music all the time. She didn’t like to be the center of attention but seemed very comfortable and confident in whom she was becoming. She was always trying to make others smile. She had a sassy personality that I am proud to claim. Sara weeks before her death had pushed off summer homework until 2 weeks before school. She had recently gotten a test score back from the prior year that she wasn’t happy with. She was going to have her wisdom teeth removed the following day. She had been to Spain in June with her class where she experienced being away from home alone for the first time. She had just come back from Tennessee the week before she died.  During the summer she was very busy but that was nothing new.  Looking back now she seemed to have more headaches than usually but I thought it was just girl stuff. She complained about her legs hurting but seemed to be nothing at the time. Looking back I can see where she was less active in family things but I figured it was because she was coming back from two very busy trips. I remember telling my husband that she seems really different like she is finally found her groove. She seemed all in all pretty happy. I had no clue that she was in a state of despair and hopelessness. I had no clue that she was facing the “perfect storm” The storm that she wouldn’t come out alive from…I no longer get to watch her grow and become an adult…instead I have to face each day without her…living in my own hell…walking through fire everyday….only to dream and wonder about the person she would have become…to walk in these shoes is unbearable.  At times it feels like the world is closing in on you and the last thing you think about is how you as a parent failed…it’s the ultimate failure for me. It’s the one thing, I can never fix. I can’t take back time and I can’t change the outcome but what I can do is make sure that she is not remember for her one action because Sara was more than that one choice. Sara’s Silence will be heard. So as I take a stand, I will be her voice. I will not be silent. 27 years after losing my father you would think that our world would have changed to allow those who suffer the ability to find hope, support, and more ways to cope...6 months since suicide ripped my family apart....

Look at this picture...does this person look like what society has been teaching us over the last decade...

She was just a normal child who suffered in silence. 

She didn't have to!

Don't let my nightmares become yours...

SPEAK UP

BREAK THE SILENCE

Our Testimony before the Kansas Senate 1.26.16

Senate Bill 323

Proponent for the bill hearing Tuesday January 26^th, 2016

My name is Allison Doss. I am a proponent for senate Bill 323. In July 2015 my daughter Sara Prideaux ended her life by suicide. She was going into her junior year at Shawnee Mission South in Overland Park Kansas. She was a vibrant, smart and loving 16 year old. Sara was involved in anything school oriented. She was in the top of her class speaking multiple languages fluently. She was a member of student council and enjoyed helping in the theater department. Her entire world was school. Sara was always helping others. She had the kindest heart. Her smile was Infectious. She had spent time over the summer in Spain with her classmates and teachers. After she passed away I noticed, Sara showed many signs that she was struggling yet no one saw them because no one was trained to know the signs. I looked for the basic flags you look for as someone who has had a suicide in her life before. She told people she was depressed but no one knew how to take action. Suicide prevention needs to be in the schools for the teacher and the parents. We have to be able to give our children the tools to succeed which also means we need to give the teachers the tools to succeed and helping our children with not just their education needs but their emotional needs as well. Senate Bill 323 does just that. Senate Bill 323 will allow the additional training to be provided for the education staff for free without costing the school money. This bill could save other children where my daughter was not able to be saved. Help give the tools to the people who are spending over 40 hours with our children every week. Help lower the second leading cause in death among ages of 10 to 24. Help keep this tragedy that has happened to many of us in this room, from happening to anyone else. I will continue to SPEAK UP for those who have lost their voice.  I Allison Doss am a proponent for Senate Bill 323. I will be the Martin Luther King of mental illness... I have a dream where our children are not judged by the things in their head and instead lifted up and carried when the burden becomes too much to bear.

Allison Doss

Mother of Sara "Bob" Prideaux

As Sara's mom, I didn't see that she was hurting but what if the teachers could. I know the signs of someone who is suicidal and would have never guessed she was thinking of ending her life. I thought her behavior was just normal teenager behavior. We all know that children act different around there parents than they do others. What if the teachers had additional training and could have noticed something that I contributed to normal teenage angst. What if the signs that I didn't see until she was dead could have been picked up on by a teacher. We want to teach our children how to protect them from drunk driving, getting pregnant, STD's, texting driving, but what about there mental health. What about the 2nd leading cause in death in our youth. This bill is just another tool to help the teachers. We teach medical professional new techniques as science changes, why not change things in school as things change as well. We cant teach the children if they are not in there seats. The teachers are in a prime position to help, why not give them the tools to help.  

Senate Bill 323

Proponent for the bill hearing Tuesday January 26^th, 2016

Good Afternoon State Senators. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to talk with you today. My name is Helen Rentz grandmother of Sara Prideaux. Sara was a student at SMS with a 4.7 GPA,a student council representative which she joined to try to make a difference. She could sing, draw ,paint and play the piano. She loved making cookies for her peers at school who were having a bad day. She had lots of friends and loved baking. On July 30,2015 she made the choice that life was not  worth living and killed herself. No note was left just lots of unanswered questions remain. What was so wrong in her life that she felt no one could fix it for her. I don't have that answer but I do know that when she left us the world lost a precious child. She showed no signs she was struggling. I would know signs because this is my third suicide I have been left to grieve. Two of my military husbands killed themselves several years ago. I am here to ask you to please pass this bill to help the remaining teenagers who are still alive and struggling. I was aware of suicide but not of how many teenagers we are losing daily nation wide . When Sara died I couldn't believe how my family was being treated by the ignorance of people about suicide. One person called my grand daughter a contagion which means a disease which would cause other people to commit suicide. My Sara would not have wanted anybody else to do what she did. But in my searching for answers over the past 6 months I find that the school districts teachers and counselors have not been trained how to help teens that are struggling or to watch for signs of suicide. I also wonder why we are not trying to fix or at least reduce the 2nd leading cause of death among teenagers but the third leading cause for teens we raise and donate to cancer research. My daughter has been trying to make a difference in her daughters school and has been met with great resistance because a few parents don't want it talked about because they are themselves uncomfortable with talking about suicide. We are losing very intelligent teenagers to suicide. I would never had thought I would lose my grand daughter to suicide because I knew all the signs and watched for them. Voting yes to this bill will help every teenager in this state. The teachers have our children 40 hours a week which is more time then we have with our children. Since I have been telling my story I can't tell you how many adults, teenagers have asked to please keep fighting for mental health awareness. No family is immune to teen suicide. I was shocked by how many families have admitted to me that their teen was struggling but they couldn't come forward to talk about for fear of repercussions with their jobs or they were so over ran with grief they had no fight left in them to try to help. I will not stop talking or appearing before committees to try to change mental health awareness. I plan on visiting other states that are doing it right to see what ideas I can bring back to our state to help with this cause of mental health awareness. We can't improve the statistics if we don't change what we are doing. Losing a child for any reasons is devastating but losing a child to suicide is the worst because you don't always get a chance to try to fix what's wrong. Time does not make it better . In my case I lost a grand daughter and basically my daughter because everyday she wakes up is another day she would rather not be here because her only child is gone. I pray that you will pass this bill and make it mandatory for all educators to have this training . I know teachers have a demanding job but in order for me to keep my license to practice in the medical field I have to keep my skills and education up. I pay for my continuing education credits.They are not free and I spend my own time doing them. This bill will only require their time. It's free training and it will save lives. One last thing I keep hearing how mental health budgets are being cut more and more. I don't understand if health insurance companies cover diabetes why they are not mandated to provide mental health coverage for the same co-pay or hospital stay. Please pass this bill quickly and make it mandatory sooner than later. Everyday this bill is not passed we lose teenagers. I would not want you to live in my world. We owe this to these teens who are born with an illness no one wants to understand or do anything about it. Please save our future adults. Thank you for allowing me to speak. Please do the right thing here. Start the solution instead of being part of the issue. Have a nice afternoon.  

Helen Rentz

Grandmother of Sara "Bob" Prideaux

http://cjonline.com/news/2016-01-26/parents-suicide-victims-urge-kansas-lawmakers-require-teacher-training#.VqgMui4hzvQ.facebook

http://www.kansascity.com/…/government…/article56682448.html


Now you take the next step-see how you can make a difference in the lives of our children. 

Jason Flatt Act Background Info

State Laws on Suicide Prevention Training for School Personnel Overview: According to the latest (2013) data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), suicide is the second leading cause of death for young people ages 10-24 (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2015). According to the 2013 Youth Risk Behavior Survey, more than 1 in 6 high school students in the U.S. reported having seriously considered attempting suicide in the 12 months preceding the survey, and 8% of students (about 1 in 12) reported having attempted suicide in the preceding 12 months (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2013). As children and teens spend a significant amount of their young lives in school, the personnel that interact with them on a daily basis are in a prime position to recognize the signs of suicide and make the appropriate referrals for help. To be able to do this, they will need effective training to acquire the necessary skills and confidence to intervene with youth at-risk, and mandated training is one way to ensure that all school personnel have a baseline understanding of suicide risk and the referral process. Suicide prevention training for school personnel is targeted within the updated 2012 National Strategy for Suicide Prevention (NSSP), which includes 4 strategic directives and a set of 13 goals and corresponding 60 objectives that recommend a variety of organizations and individuals become involved in suicide prevention. Specifically, Goal 7 of the revised NSSP is to “Provide training to community and clinical service providers on the prevention of suicide and related behaviors.” These community-based and clinical prevention professionals include educators and school personnel, as their “work brings them into contact with persons with suicide risk,” and they should therefore be “trained on how to address suicidal thoughts and behaviors and on how to respond to those who have been affected by suicide.” Corresponding Objective 7.1 specifically indicates school counselors as persons “on the frontlines of suicide prevention” that should receive training, and recommends that schools, colleges, and universities “train relevant school staff to recognize students at potential risk of suicide and refer to appropriate services.” Several other objectives within the NSSP (Objectives 1.1, 3.1, and 5.2 specifically) also assert that suicide prevention should be integrated into the values, culture, leadership, and work of educational institutions, and that schools, colleges, and universities have a role to play in “training personnel who are in contact with individuals with suicide risk, and providing support to individuals in crisis,” (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Office of the Surgeon General and National Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention [U.S. Dept. of HHS & Action Alliance], 2012). Teachers and other school personnel must not only be well-equipped to identify and communicate with their students about suicidal behaviors, but they must also be able to accurately discuss these issues with each other. While school staff and faculty should not be expected to make clinical diagnoses, they should be able to recognize developing signs and symptoms associated with suicide risk, mental disorders, and substance abuse. Providing these professionals with the skills, vocabulary, and techniques to be comfortable with these issues through specific training “could enhance these providers’ ability to provide support to individuals at risk and make appropriate referrals,” (U.S. Dept. of HHS & Action Alliance, 2012). Updated 9/29/2015 School Personnel Training Laws Overview Page 2 of 7 Current State Laws: State Mandated Annual Training (9 states) There are currently nine states (Alaska, Delaware, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisiana, Nebraska, North Dakota, Tennessee, and Texas) that mandate annual suicide prevention training for school personnel. In Alaska, Georgia, Louisiana, North Dakota, Tennessee, and Texas, this mandate is titled the Jason Flatt Act.  Alaska requires 2 hours of training each year for teachers, administrators, counselors, and specialists who provide services to students in grades 7-12 [adopted 2012]  Delaware requires public school employees to receive 90 minutes of training each year; training materials must be evidence based and developed/approved by the Departments of Health and Social Services, Services for Children Youth and their Families, and Education [adopted 2015]  Georgia requires annual training for all certificated public school personnel; the training must be provided within the framework of existing in-service training programs offered by the department of education or as part of required professional development offered by a local school system [adopted 2015]  Kentucky requires 2 hours of “self-study review of suicide prevention materials” each year for high school and middle school principals, guidance counselors, and teachers [adopted 2010]  Louisiana requires 2 hours of in-service training each year for teachers, school counselors, principals, and other administrators “for whom such training is deemed beneficial” [adopted 2008]  Nebraska requires at least 1 hour of training each year for all public school nurses, teachers, counselors, school psychologists, administrators, school social workers, and other “appropriate personnel”; also requires the department of education to collaborate with others in the state to develop a list of approved training materials that identify available mental health services and instruct on when and how to refer youth and their families to those services [adopted 2014]  North Dakota requires that middle and high school teachers, administrators, and instructional staff receive at least 2 hours of professional development annually in youth suicide risk indicators, appropriate responses, and referral sources [initially adopted 2013, added annual requirement 2015]  Tennessee requires 2 hours of in-service training each year for teachers and principals [adopted 2007]  Texas: o Requires annual staff development for educators in suicide prevention; training must be based on best practice recommended by the Department of State Health Services in coordination with the Texas Education Agency and may be completed via independent online review [adopted 2015]; o Requires that minimum academic qualifications for certified educators also require instruction regarding mental health, substance abuse, and youth suicide, provided through a program selected from the list of recommended best practice-based programs established under §161.325 Health and Safety Code, and including effective strategies for teaching and intervening with students with mental or emotional Updated 9/29/2015 School Personnel Training Laws Overview Page 3 of 7 disorders, including de-escalation techniques and positive behavioral interventions and supports [initially adopted 2013, amended 2015] State Mandated Training, Not Annual (16 states) There are currently sixteen states (Arkansas, Connecticut, Illinois, Indiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Mississippi, New Jersey, Ohio, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Utah, Washington, West Virginia, and Wyoming) that mandate training in suicide prevention for school personnel but do not specify that the training must be annual. In Arkansas, Mississippi, Ohio, South Carolina, West Virginia, and Wyoming, the law is titled the Jason Flatt Act.  Arkansas requires 2 hours of training every 5 years for licensed personnel [adopted 2011]  Connecticut requires (an unspecified duration of) training once, as a condition of initial certification for beginning teachers; local boards of education must also provide an in-service training program for teachers, administrators, and pupil personnel that includes information on youth suicide prevention and response [adopted 2011]  Illinois requires school guidance counselors, teachers, school social workers, and other personnel who work with pupils in grades 7-12 to be trained (unspecified duration) and taught various intervention techniques; the training must be provided within the framework of existing in-service training programs or required professional development activities [adopted 2009]  Indiana requires (an unspecified duration of) training as a requirement for initial teaching licensure, for applicants for initial teaching license at any grade level [adopted 2011]  In Maine, beginning in the 2014-2015 school year for high schools and in the 2015-2016 school year for middle and elementary schools, all school personnel will be required to receive a 1-2 hour in-service training module in suicide prevention awareness every 5 years, and at least two personnel in each school will be required to take a more intensive one-day course in suicide prevention and intervention training every 5 years [adopted 2013]  Maryland now requires certified school counselors, on or before July 1, 2016, to have obtained the knowledge and skills required to understand and respond to the social, emotional, and personal development of students, including (1) knowledge and skills relating to the recognition of indicators of mental illness and behavioral distress, including depression, trauma, violence, youth suicide, and substance abuse; and (2) The identification of professional resources to help students in crisis [adopted 2015]  Massachusetts requires that all licensed school personnel receive at least 2 hours of training every three years [adopted 2014]  Mississippi requires (an unspecified duration of) training only once, for all newly employed licensed teachers and principals [adopted 2009]  New Jersey requires 2 hours of training to be completed in each professional development period for public school teaching staff members; New Jersey is unique in that it specifies that a qualified trainer in the mental health community must administer the training [adopted 2006]  Ohio requires that training in youth suicide, awareness, and prevention be incorporated into existing in-service training required for nurses, teachers, counselors, school psychologists, administrators, and any other “appropriate” personnel every 5 years [adopted 2012] Updated 9/29/2015 School Personnel Training Laws Overview Page 4 of 7  Pennsylvania, beginning with the 2015-2016 school year, will require at least 4 hours of training every 5 years for professional educators in school buildings serving students in grades 6-12 [adopted 2014]  South Carolina requires 2 hours of training every 5 years (consistent with the state’s existing licensure cycle) [adopted 2012]  Utah requires 2 hours of training consistent with the state’s licensure cycle [adopted 2012]  In Washington, school social workers, school nurses, school psychologists, and school counselors are required to receive at least 3 hours of training as a condition of professional certification [adopted 2013]  West Virginia requires “routine education” for professional educators, including principals, administrators, and those service personnel having direct contact with students [adopted 2012]  Wyoming requires at least 8 hours of suicide prevention education every 4 school years for all teachers and administrators using “suitable materials reviewed and recommended” by the state superintendent and the director of the department of education (beginning in the 2014-2015 school year) [adopted 2014] State Encourages Training (14 states) There are fourteen states (Alabama, Arizona, California, Colorado, Florida, Michigan, Minnesota, Montana, Nevada, New York, Oklahoma, Rhode Island, Virginia, and Wisconsin) with laws in place that encourage suicide prevention training for school personnel. In some states this means the provision of access to training as an option for professional development. In others, structures are put in place by the legislature to provide for the training, but school personnel are not required to make use of those training options. Or, the state allows grant funding to be used for suicide prevention training, but does not require it. Other (Unique) School Suicide Prevention Statutes  Eight states (Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Illinois, Maine, Pennsylvania, Utah, and Washington) require school suicide prevention policies and or programming statewide; nine other states (Alabama, Arkansas, California, Louisiana, Maryland, New Jersey, Oklahoma, Texas, and Virginia) encourage school suicide prevention policies and or programming  Idaho encourages the inclusion of teen early intervention specialists in schools to provide suicide prevention counseling services  Iowa encourages early intervention programs for students at-risk for suicide  North Carolina requires at least one employee within the local school administrative unit be trained in the unique needs of children who have immediate family members in the military, including training on suicide risks  Oklahoma requires teachers, counselors, principals, administrators, and other school personnel to immediately notify the parents or legal guardians of students determined to be at risk for attempting suicide  Utah requires schools to notify a parent or guardian if their student threatens to complete suicide or is involved in a bullying incident and maintain a record of that notification; school boards are required to adopt a policy regarding the process for parent/guardian notification Updated 9/29/2015 School Personnel Training Laws Overview Page 5 of 7  Virginia requires all licensed administrative or instructional personnel to contact a student’s parent “as soon as practicable” should they have reason to believe, as a result of direct communication from a student, that such student is at imminent risk of suicide Current Advocacy Efforts: The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) recognizes that the training of school personnel is a crucial step toward reducing the rate of suicide among young people in the U.S., and has therefore made mandated suicide prevention training for these key gatekeepers a public policy priority. Many states that currently mandate suicide prevention training for school personnel achieved this through adopting a bill titled The Jason Flatt Act, the hallmark piece of legislation for the not-for-profit organization, the Jason Foundation, Inc. (JFI). In most states, the Jason Flatt Act mandates 2 hours of suicide prevention training for school personnel, although in each state the requirements vary slightly. Recognizing this accomplishment, and to better address this public policy priority, AFSP joined efforts with JFI in 2011-2015 to actively support passage of the Jason Flatt Act in Alaska, Georgia, North Dakota, Ohio, South Carolina, Utah, and Wyoming. AFSP Model Legislation on Suicide Prevention in Schools: After working with JFI on several states in 2011-2012, AFSP wanted to promote this type of advocacy work in additional states where JFI has not introduced the Jason Flatt Act. For these states, AFSP has developed model legislation for use by AFSP Field Advocate volunteers, AFSP Chapter volunteers, and members of the general public who would like to propose this type of legislation to their own state lawmakers. In development of the model legislation, AFSP public policy staff consulted with members of AFSP’s national Public Policy Council, referenced current empirical research and existing state laws, and incorporated feedback from staff and volunteers who were involved in the passage of suicide prevention training laws in their state. The model legislation is intended to serve as an ideal starting point with elected officials who are willing to consider sponsoring a suicide prevention in schools bill. See page 7 of this document for the full model legislation. Training Resources: Every state has some form of suicide prevention training or awareness program available. However, the availability and accessibility of these programs vary. The appeal of AFSP’s Model Legislation on Suicide Prevention in Schools, and of the Jason Flatt Act, is that their language is worded to allow flexibility within states to choose the training programs that will best fit the educational environment(s) within their state. AFSP offers several resources for schools that may be used to implement existing laws or to offset the cost of proposed legislation (fiscal note). Details can be found online at http://www.afsp.org/preventing-suicide/our-education-and-prevention-programs/programs-forteens-and-young-adults. All are offered either as a free download online or through local AFSP chapters. Seventy-five (75) AFSP chapters currently serve 43 states across the U.S. Find your local chapter online at http://www.afsp.org/local-chapters/find-your-local-chapter. Updated 9/29/2015 School Personnel Training Laws Overview Page 6 of 7 References: The following resources were consulted for statistics and background information for this overview: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2015). National Center for Injury Prevention and Control: WISQARS Leading Causes of Death Reports, National and Regional, 1999-2008. Retrieved January 30, 2015 from http://webappa.cdc.gov/sasweb/ncipc/leadcaus10_us.html. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. 2013 Youth Risk Behavior Survey. Available at: www.cdc.gov/yrbs. Accessed on June 30, 2014. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) Office of the Surgeon General and National Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention. (September 2012). 2012 National Strategy for Suicide Prevention: Goals and Objectives for Action. Washington, DC: HHS. Retrieved September 11, 2012 from http://www.surgeongeneral.gov/library/reports/national-strategy-suicideprevention/full-report.pdf. Updated 9/29/2015 School Personnel Training Laws Overview Page 7 of 7 AFSP Model Legislation: Suicide Prevention in Schools (1) Beginning in the 2016-2017 school year, the State Board/Department of Education shall adopt rules to require that all public school personnel receive at least 2 hours of suicide awareness and prevention training each year*. This training shall be provided within the framework of existing inservice training programs offered by the State Board/Department of Education or as part of required professional development activities. (2) The State Board/Department of Education shall, in consultation with state agency/coalition charged with coordinating state suicide prevention activities, other stakeholders, and suicide prevention experts, develop a list of approved training materials to fulfill the requirements of this Section. (a) Approved materials shall include training on how to identify appropriate mental health services both within the school and also within the larger community, and when and how to refer youth and their families to those services. (b) Approved materials may include programs that can be completed through self-review of suitable suicide prevention materials. (3) (a) Each public school district shall adopt a policy on student suicide prevention. Such policies shall be developed in consultation with school and community stakeholders, school employed mental health professionals, and suicide prevention experts, and shall, at a minimum, address procedures relating to suicide prevention, intervention, and postvention. (b) To assist school districts in developing policies for student suicide prevention, the Department of Education shall develop and maintain a model policy to serve as a guide for school districts in accordance with this section. (4) (a) No person shall have a cause of action for any loss or damage caused by any act or omission resulting from the implementation of the provisions of this Section or resulting from any training, or lack thereof, required by this Section. (b) The training, or lack thereof, required by the provisions of this Section shall not be construed to impose any specific duty of care. *In those states where the legislature must amend section (1) to require training less often, for example, once every 5 years, or that remove a frequency requirement entirely, a new section will be added that states: The State Board/Department of Education shall adopt rules to require that all newly employed public school personnel receive at least 2 hours of suicide awareness and prevention training within 12 months of their date of hire.

How to contact your local congress in MO. 

http://www.congressweb.com/AFSP/15 

Can't Stop

Part of my grief journey as Sara’s mom has to be to make a difference in people’s lives and in mine. Our children are worth the every tear and heart break. Sara was my life, we grew up together. She was more than my daughter. She was my best friend. She was the yin to my yang. She was what I had given heaven and earth to protect over the last 16 years from all the bad out in the world. She was the one person who has been there through anything and everything with me. We had our own stories together. We had our own jokes and inside funnies.  I never thought my role would change to telling her story of just 16 short years. I must find some good in this nightmare that I walk in every day. Sara did a great job of hiding that she was suicidal and depressed to her family.  She didn’t want to burden us with anything. She worried all the time about things. She was a perfectionist even though, no one expected perfection. Failure was supported in our house.
        Since they ruled her death a suicide, it has been my mission to change the world that she left us in. As some of you know, we have created  the Speak Up foundation; partnering with another family who lost a beloved son just a few months before we lost Sara. His name is Jason Arkin.  He loved video games and making people laugh. He also liked penguins when he was younger. He was a bright 20 year old college student who like Sara had the world at his fingertips. Sara and Jason were very similar. His parents want to flip mental illness on its side and bring awareness to the community in honor of Jason and Sara. While I think every parents dream is that their children decide what their message to the world will be, we are left suffering to figure it out. The Speak Up foundation was created to bring mental health education, awareness and prevention in suicides in our community and country. SPEAK UP stands for Suicide Prevention Education Awareness for Kids United As Partners. We chose “Partners” because we all have a responsibility to partner up and make a change in this world. 
        Speak Up Foundation website is still in the works.  The URL will be www.speakup.us  however it’s still in progress. We are working with a few people who have agreed to donate their time in getting it up and running and looking for a few more volunteers. We are hoping to have it moving forward in the next few months however until then we have the community Facebook page for Speak Up which is https://www.facebook.com/speakup.us/?fref=ts  It’s a non-profit organization. If you think you could contribute in any way, please message me personally as we can always use the help.

             Since Sara’s passing we have been able to do a few things in her honor with the help of some pretty amazing contributions/donations. Sara had a love for animals especially penguins. Her entire room at my house is covered in penguins. We thought a way to remember and honor her would be to do something at the zoo in Kansas City and at the Tennessee Aquarium with penguins. She spent every summer in Tennessee with her uncle “Pony” (Tony) and aunt “Bookie’ (Brooke).  At the KC Zoo, on her behalf Cinderella the Gentoo penguin was adopted and we had a plague made in her honor that is placed on the Helzburg Penguin Tower outside the main penguin building. Both of these are here in KC to celebrate her life and honor our little girl. At the TN Aquarium, we were able to do a little more with the help of the fantastic team. We were able to help name a baby Gentoo penguin in her honor. Sara who went by “Bob” to her close friends got to become  “Bobber” the penguin. It was named after over 10,000 votes were placed.  We were able to do a penguin room for back stage tours for children and adults who want to have that once in a life time experience with penguins. There will be a bench with a wall mounted plague with the words “In loving memory Sara “Bob” Prideaux SPEAK UP” as it’s important for the message to be heard and seen. 
          Also, with the help and donation from the Arkin’s, we were able to partner up with Kevin Hines to bring a world known quest speaker to the Shawnee Mission School districts that has dealt with depression and attempting to take his own life multiple times. Countless teenagers reached out to Kevin and wanted to seek help for the struggles in their brain. I watched as they were empowered to tell someone that they too had suicidal ideations or they knew someone else who did. In just 5 short months, we have taken a few steps towards breaking the silence and ending the stigma associated with suicide and mental illness. We continue to raise funds so that our prevention efforts do not have to stop.  We are officially associated with a 501c3 because we are serious about making a difference through the Greater Kansas City Mental Health Collation. We want you to be serious as well. Suicide is the 2nd leading cause in death ages 10-24. The statistics are not getting better, they are getting worse...No one is exempt from suicide.

 What are you going to do to make a difference?

You can be a voice, you can share my blog, you can make a donation through

• https://app.etapestry.com/onlineforms/JewishFamilyServices_2/MCHantistigma.html and in memory/honor of SPEAK UP 
• paypal.me/alliedoss 

OR 

• buy one of the many SPEAK items that we have available. Just remember that EVERY bit counts and every little bit helps. Every part of the donation goes towards prevention in the community. No donation is too small.   
• We have awesome SPEAK UP super soft T-shirts sizes Small-3XL. Cost with shipping is $25
• We have amazing SPEAK UP zip up hoodies sizes Small-3XL Cost with shipping is $35
• We have wristbands that have a secret message on the inside encouraging to reach out when in doubt. Cost with shipping is $3 or 2 for $5
• We have decals to put on your car. Cost with shipping is $15

https://www.facebook.com/events/770398083103715/

Or you can simply just make a donation in honor of someone through one of the many links provided.  

The efforts cannot stop here!  We must continue to take steps towards making a difference. We must continue to have the conversation. You would be surprised by how many people suffer from the loss of a family member due to suicide. Until it happens to you, people live in this magically world of “it won’t happen to me” trust me when I think every mother who is like me thought this same thing at some point in their life. We wouldn’t wish this life on our worst enemy.  My dream is to be able to talk to parents, kids, and educators about mental health and suicide. I want to be a guest speaker at events around mental health and suicide. I want to join arms in this fight.  I will be the Martin Luther King of mental health. I have a dream where we are not judged by the brain lies in our head but lifted up and supported when the weight becomes too much to endure. I will not back down! I will continue to speak. I will continue to fight to stay present! I will hold steady when the brain lies take over and attack me over and over. 

Thank you for reading and thank you for sharing my blog. You never know when sharing something so simple can show someone else they are not alone. 

Special shout out to GOEX for the shirts and Nickerstickers for the decals. Both companies have been amazing at working with Speak Up. 
http://goex.org/
www.NickerStickers.com