tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57462078168393154382024-03-06T02:12:47.410-06:00A Mother's journey after suicideOur mission is to raise awareness about suicide and mental illnesses. In the process of doing so we would like to help end the stigma surrounding suicide. This blog is to STOP THE STIGMA!!! Break the Silence!!!! and to bring the power of SPEAK to everyone. Speak stands for Suicide Prevention Education Awareness for Kids. In memory of Sara Prideaux, Jason Arkin and many others, I will continue to SPEAK!!!Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.comBlogger72125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-89501859554768742902018-11-28T20:23:00.001-06:002018-11-28T20:23:07.311-06:00The Greatest RegretIt's been a long time since I have blogged. I was getting to a point in my treatment and my therapy that we were able to see more good days then bad...I had finally started to forgive myself....I was finally able to see the good in the world again, I didn't hate everyone and everything like before...and then the rug was pulled out from under me....I feel like its July 30th, 2015 all over again....every small crack that was glued back together was shattered this Monday all over again. When your life stops and its not your choice...and all you can hear is your heart breaking....There is no greater regret than missing a text or phone call from someone who is on the ledge and decides life has lost its meaning. To be the life line and not there for someone....This is beyond understanding....beyond acceptance.... my heart and head are so broken..... This week I lost another loved one to suicide...the father to Sara, a friend to so many...one of the biggest and most stubborn men I know. James, Jim aka Shorty was a fighter...a warrior in all regards of the word. We grew up together, raised a child together, loved together and lost together....while we had many many disagreements we always agreed that Sara was created out of love and with her life was meaning and had purpose. We didn't deserve the hand that was dealt to us. We didn't deserve anything that happened over the last 3 years. Suicide shatters lives and it feels like dropping a bomb into a room with everyone you love. Some will survive but everyone will forever be altered. The loss of Sara was the single worst thing I have ever gone through. I am still not over it. You never get over it. I lost my best friend and my little girl. I have just been crawling through this huge pile of shit covered in fire.Going to therapy and support groups just to find the ability to breath...Just when I felt like I was going to be able to stand up, I was given another huge pile of grief and regret to carry. The thousand pounds of grief I was already carrying has now tripled in weight and hurt. Its like adding explosives to my already broken existence and watching it burn. What were you thinking....why....why this time...what was the tipping point....you survived 3 years living on life support....Life support is how I describe the feeling of losing a child. You are doing everything to just keep breathing. Every day is a new day to fight through and keep your head up..its not easy it's hard and scary for those whom love you...Its a constant battle inside your every existence...you keep pushing through. James, you decided to take yourself off of life support. You decided that your life wasn't living...I know what it feels like to feel the loss day in and day out... the heart break... the yearning to see your loved one. The irreplaceable hole in your life and heart. DAMN YOU!!!! You were not supposed to leave me with all this guilt and heartbreak...who will remind me that its not my fault and that you don't blame me???? Who will help me remember all the good times when Sara was little?? Who will help me keep her all those memories alive!!!!I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be that poor girl who everyone looks at with such sadness..since when was it ok to just leave me? You promised me! You told me you would stay!!!! Stay Gold Pony Boy!! Remember we had a DEAL!!!! You told me you didn't want to die! You told me you would always be here! You took all of this from me and for that I am so angry at you. I am so mad that left me like she did. Your life support was NOT OUT! It was not your time! I am angry at you! I am allowed to be angry and mad at you! I am allowed to yell and scream at you!!! What you did has hurt so many people who loved you! I don't blame you for missing Sara, I don't blame you for being sad and losing the want to live....I am so heartbroken you left the way you did....So many questions...so many unanswered questions...FUCK! Who will text me back the same words and understand what it means! I want to scream at you! I want to hit you! Who will help me remember her passwords!!!! Seriously!!! I have now lost access to her stuff...all of it....you kept access to that for us!!! Who will share pictures and memories that I have long forgotten!!! I have so many feelings and things left to say that went unsaid....Do you know how much of an amazing dad you were? Do you know what an awesome friend you were? Do you know how many people cared about you!!!!! I hate that the pain became more than your want to live. I hate that your life has ended. I hate that you left me to carry this all! I am so mad and sad and broken. I am so afraid to fail with how I am suppose to react or not react. I don't want to be strong and just move on....I don't want to just forget...I can't. You were apart of 20+ years of my life. This choice that you made impacts so much and so many. You knew the nightmares I faced!!! I'm so angry that you would do this to the ones who loved you! They say that grief has many stages...this adds so much more levels of grief and sorrow. I'm afraid to revert back in my grief process...who will help me decide what to do with her ashes....so many questions....people I care about keep leaving me..giving me the ultimate FUCK YOU....how will I ever feel secure about anything....I'm already afraid of EVERYTHING!!! Guilt is hard to fight day after day!!!! I don't want to disappoint the people who love me but I feel like I have failed you so why would I not fail all of them as well. I am TIRED of being broken, sad, and exhausted with our lives being smothered in death by choice. I am tired of life handing me shit! I'm tired being broken beyond repair....I'm so shattered by how our lives have played out....We deserved a better life....we deserved to be happy....we didn't deserve this...I spent the last 3 years trying to save others while climbing out of the fiery depths of my OWN HELL...being the voice for the voiceless...being strong for the weak....being courageous regardless of the fears I faced daily....fighting my own demons to get better...to fight through the flashbacks and nightmares....to have you walk out of our lives like you did....I'm so angry with you! I don't care how anyone feels about me saying it! I am angry with you! I want to hate you right now! I want to look you in the face and tell you how much you hurt me! How much damage you have done again when you promised me! You told me you would always be here to help carry the burden to help me through....I am so sorry that your heart was broken beyond repair. I am so sorry that love could not heal our wounds...I'm sorry that Sara left us both. I hope that you are at peace and you are no longer hurting. I pray that you feel no more pain and sorrow but most of all...I pray for the living that you left behind...I pray for your family and mine. I pray that this cycle stops and does not continue. I pray that no one else's family walks in the same shoes that we are faced to walk in. I pray that my heart finds a way to forgive. I pray my heart finds healing and hope again! You will be missed and never forgotten! James Michael may you fly high with the angels...may you give our daughter the biggest hug from me, may you find peace and love...always...Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-45010845264513863812017-02-06T21:19:00.001-06:002017-02-06T21:19:30.425-06:00Year 2 <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">It feels like its been a century since I have shared my feelings. Lately I feel like if I don't express my feelings that I may have a nervous breakdown. I took some time away from blogging to focus on some deep
wounds that I was carrying around with the loss of my daughter and to manage
the emotions that I was having with bringing another daughter into this world. I wasn't sure that I was good enough to have another daughter. My broken heart told me that I didn't deserve to be a mom again. Oh how my mind played tricks on me and my emotions during the last 10 months. I remember having mental fights with the thoughts of failure looming into my mind. I
struggled to keep it together constantly being reminded by my own mind how I
had failed Sara and how I would fail this daughter as well. Each night as I lay
there thinking, how I could have stopped Sara from ending her life if only I
would have talked to her about mental health. If only I had made her mental
health as important as I did her social and educational needs. If only…The if
only’s were like demons set on attacking when my defenses were at the very
lowest. Since I have started this
journey I have been faced with fears, doubts and monsters from within that I
never thought I would face. With each passing day I am reminded that she is not
here with me and with each passing day my heart breaks just that much more. Someone
once told me that the 2<sup>nd</sup> year was harder than the first and I
thought this can’t be true. There is no way I can handle worse than what I was
facing. I understand now what they really meant. The pain never goes away. It’s always present
but the feelings are different. The pain is joined by other feelings making it worse than the year prior. There is this yearning that eats away at your
heart along with the pain. I think that is just builds on to the pain. On top
of suffering, you add yearning. I am not sure what the next year will add on to what
I am currently handling but I hold on to hope that with each passing day my
story helps someone else seek help. I hope that parents make mental health a
priority and that children feel empowered to reach out when a friend is struggling. #SPEAKUP #CELEBRATESARA #BREAKTHESILENCE</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-2489479318402052902017-01-20T14:24:00.000-06:002017-01-20T14:24:00.038-06:00Organ/Tissue Donor-Letter to the recipients <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 9pt;">I received a letter from
Midwest Transplant offering to give a letter to the individuals who were able
to benefit from Sara's tissue/organ donations. I can't remember everything that
she was able to donate and frankly the thought of it makes me want to scream.
Her organs were not able to save others but with the technology today there were many things that they were able to donate. I wasn't sure that this was something
that I could do...write a letter to the persons who received a piece of my
child. The child that I brought into this world and the child that I had to
cremate. I thought this over and over. I would pull out the brochure for
Midwest Transplant and slam it back in her pile of papers. I was angry at God and everyone else for me having to go through this. I was still grieving and now I am supposed to write a letter to someone who is still breathing. Before I was able to
push it out of my mind and keep the thoughts at bay, over the last few days its
been tugging at my heart. Its like a huge horn blaring in my head. So I sat
down last night and began to write the letter. So many things were running
through my head- who received her donation? How old are they? Did they know the
sacrifice that we faced? Did they know that this donation was the last act of
kindness she was able to give? Would she have wanted this? Would she be upset
at the choices we made? Would these people be old, young-would they feel
thankful or would they take it for granted. I have never thought more about one
single living act so much as I have in the last few days and what this meant to
me and our family. As a organ donor myself, I never thought that I would be
faced with making that choice for my child and I had already made the decision
for my family in the event of my own passing. My beliefs have not changed in
helping others as the last act of kindness and I am thankful that we were able
to at least help a few people in her passing. As I was finishing this letter, I looked outside and on the branch of the tree was a beautiful pigeon bird looking at me. The sighting of a pigeon is most commonly said to represent home and security. It is also believed that spotting a pigeon are considered spirit messengers that carry communication between the worlds of the living and the dead. In that moment, I feel at peace with my letter to the recipients who </span><span style="font-size: 12px;">received</span><span style="font-size: 9pt;"> a piece of my beautiful daughter. I feel guilty for wishing that I was one of those people who </span><span style="font-size: 12px;">received</span><span style="font-size: 9pt;"> a piece of her. If only and what ifs....</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Letter to recipients-<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">To the recipient who received the most precious gift of all which
is the gift that someone I loved donated a piece of who they were so that
others can continue to grow and live on. I appreciate the opportunity to share
about our angel. Her name was Sara. I am her mother. She was a 16 year old
young girl with her life ahead of her when she passed suddenly. She comes from
a very loving and close family. She has a brother and a sister. </span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">All about Sara "Bob" Her nickname
was “Bob” since she was a very little girl. Sara was amazing from the day
she was born. God saved me the day he gave me her. From the moment she was born
she was loved<b>.</b> She gave me a reason to live laugh and love. She
loved to make people laugh. She liked to help others. She loved Ramen noodles.
She loved to bake, not just out of a box but putting all the ingredients
together. She loved cupcakes. She loved pancakes. She loved to correct people
when they were wrong, she didn't mean too but she couldn't help it she was so
darn smart. She was most of the time the smartest person in the room. She loved
to draw and doodle. She loved to play the piano even though only her dad ever
heard her play. She loved hot tamales as in the candy. She loved penguins. That
was her favorite animal in the world. She had a ton of them all over her room.
She loved Tinkerbell and collected them. She loved Disney when she was little.
She loved scratcher tickets. She love Cos play and anime. She loved Fairy
Tail anime. She loved to read. She started reading at the age of 3 and never
stopped. She loved Roman and Greek mythology. She loved Harry Potter. She loved
her two cats. She loved to play with Legos. She loved to play with play-doh but
you couldn't mix the colors. She loved to snuggle with her mommy. She loved
that I babied her. She loved to steal my blanket. She loved build a bear. She
loved doing stage make up. She loved Stucco. She loved school. She was a
natural at being smart. She always pushed herself to get good grades. She loved
speaking Spanish. She loved her Auntie Nici and her cousins.
She loved seeing her Aunt and Uncle every year in TN. She loved believing
in Santa Clause for her little brother. She loved X-mas. She loved all the
traditions that we have made over the 15 years. She loved making snicker
doodles and sugar cookies every holiday. She loved going to anime conventions.
She loved listening to music. She didn't like country but would listen with me
anyways. She didn't love pictures but would take them anyways with me. She
loved to play with snow. She loved fireworks. She loved watching Monk. She
loved watching CSI. She loved the Ren Fest; she always wanted to be a fairy
there. She loved doing scavenger hunts. She loved girl scouts. She loved
organizing things. She loved couponing with her mom. She loved helping me save
money. She loved games on her phone. She loved chopping wood with the ax
because it freaked me out. She loved playing with the fire pit. She liked the
movie Frozen. She loved her friends. She loved to help them with anything they
needed. She was a procrastinator at times. She loved doing gymnastics. She
loved Spain and being free. She loved cupcakes!!! She loved collecting markers
and sharpie’s. She loved cinnamon coffee cakes. She loved being Elf 1 for
Christmas. She loved cinnamon rolls. She loved her dad's chocolate chip
cookies. She wasn't into social media. She loved old time type writers. She
just got one for Xmas. She loved to hide under the bed and scare Jason. She did
not like to do laundry even though she always did help with mine. She loved the
movie Catch me if you can. She loved Care bears when she was little. She loved
blue’s clues. She loved yellow ducky. She did not like peanut butter at all.
She loved anything made out of bread, well almost. She loved playing Minecraft.
She loved jumping on mini trampolines. She loved driving the golf cart. She
loved hanging out in her room listening to her music. She loved letting me play
with her hair. She loved letting me take care of her like she was little
because I needed to feel needed. She loved to use her bow like Katniss
Everdeen. She loved animals. She loved being free. She loved calling people
jerk butts. She liked pink but only when she was little. However recently she
like purple, Teal, and Silver as her favorite colors. She also liked
black. She loved stealing my oversized hoodies. She didn't like shopping but
before she went to Spain she let me take her. We bought her dresses. I loved
that memory with her. She wasn't a huge dress wearing person. She was
beautiful. I loved her infectious smile. She loved to boop her family on the nose.
We called her Rhinoceros Sara. I was Princess Mommy. I loved to call her by her
middle name when she was in trouble which was never. Most of the time I used
her middle name to let her know I was serious or the mom had spoken. She loved
the movie Zoom. She loved milk...like loved it. She would
drink Hersey chocolate powder only, no chocolate syrup in her
milk. She loved drawing snails. She didn't really like being in big groups of
people. She was never mean to people because she didn't like how people had
been mean to her growing up. She loved challenging me mentally. She always did
things to make me feel better. She was my angel in more ways than one. She
didn't care for sports. She loved playing D&. She loved her friends. She
loved playing board games. She loved playing rummy cube and I had to cheat to
beat her. She loved subway sandwiches-white bread turkey only. She
loved Doritos. She loved BBQ Chips Lays only. She didn't like many
foods but the ones she loved. She ate a lot of them. She loved Webkinz when she
was little. She loved going to Title boxing. She loved learning new
things. She didn't like being illogical. She loved helping her friends
anytime they needed it. She like playing the game Harry Potter Clue. She won
more school academic awards than anyone I know. She won the Spelling Bee 4
years in a row. She loved being smart and being a NERD. She had a 4.7 GPA
in school going into her junior year. These are just a few of the things that
she loved. I miss her every day of every moment but I do find comfort that
she was able to help others as her last act of kindness. I never asked Sara if
that was something she would have wanted but at the time of her death, I felt
as though if she could help just one person she would have wanted it.</span><b><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Allie<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Allison Danielle Doss<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Loved on who passed:
Sara Renea Prideaux<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Date of donation: July
30<sup>th</sup> (this was the day she passed)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-39407624607991208412016-05-06T22:55:00.002-05:002016-05-06T22:55:25.061-05:00What are you afraid of?<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-size: large;">As a mother, I want to share her story. I want someone to allow me to share the loss
our community has endured. This was not just a lost soul or a lost cause-she
was my child, my baby, my everything and she saved my life. She was the reason
to live and to better myself in life. Unless
you were close to our family, the loss only seems like another sad event. It’s
hard to perceive or understand or even grasp the utter catastrophic magnitude
of what suicide loss really is yet this is becoming so many families’
realities. My circle of family has grown two fold because of one single act
that links us all. We share the magnitude of our loss and the method is
suicide. In a moment you have everything
and in a flash it’s all gone with just a blink of an eye. That Thursday morning was like any other
morning before. I got up, got ready and went to work. Around 1pm, Sara text me
and I replied. Nothing and I mean NOTHING indicated trouble. Nothing out of the
normal teenager behavior such as playing on iphone and listening to music or
staying up late because it was the summer.
After all, I had lived through some of the worst times in my life. I
lost my father to mental illness when I was 8 years old. The disease killed him
in less than a year and yes the method was suicide. It destroyed my mother and
my family. My mother tried to save him but it was too late. Our family divided fought to stay together
but ended in shattered relationships still to this day broken. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Fast forward 27 years. We had it all. I had a
great new career, amazing friends, loving family, beautiful and smart daughter,
married the love of my life, had the
blessing of becoming a bonus mom to an adorable little boy, Sara had an amazing
dad and now a bonus dad as well. Life couldn’t have been any better. You won’t find two separated parents who got
along better than Sara’s dad and me. We really had everything we wanted. Our
life was what I would call “perfectly imperfect” In the turning of a door
handle, my world shattered, crumbled to nothing. Everything I ever knew was gone
and I was frozen in time. It was like I was watching this horror movie from the
front row. I could tell that it was me but I couldn’t change any of the outcomes.
My voice that used to be loud, powerful, and command attention was now this little
soft voice of a child…screaming and crying for this nightmare to stop. I can still hear the screams, my screams to
this day in my mind. This day, this moment will forever be burned into my soul,
the very essence of who I am now. I will
never forget that moment. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">After months of therapy and EMDR treatment, I have given
myself permission to cloud that last memory I have of my precious angel. At
first, I felt like I had to hold on to this memory for dear life. After all I
was the only one who had found her that day, I was the one who couldn’t save
her. Even if it would eat away at
whatever pieces of my former self were left, I felt like I had to cling to this
last memory of her. I had this thought that if I forgot that moment, then
people would forget her and if they forgot her…I would not survive. How could I
survive the loss of the only thing that gave my life purpose? Sometimes the
image flashes into my head without permission and without resistance, I find
myself crippled as if it was that exact moment all over again. Frozen between
what is real and what is past. I have
spent months training my brain to allow my picture perfect memory I have, to be
altered. I often find myself shaking my
head as the memory lingers in my thoughts. It’s like shaking me back to reality
that this is real but I am not trapped in that moment. I try to keep from allowing
myself to relive that exact moment and instead I try to focus on a moment that
she lived or a moment that she laughed. The
magnitude of the loss will never change, I will forever have part of who I am
destroyed…shattered into a million of unrecognizable pieces. The pieces of who
I am now are transformed. Some pieces died that day, some pieces of who I am
are lost forever and some pieces are so badly damaged that only death will pull
them back from the depths of hell. The
people who are closest to me cling to the person I was, all while learning to
love the person I have morphed into. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">For the most part, change is a good even if we don’t see the
reason right at the beginning. However, this type of alteration is something
that you never adapt to. I am 280 days since the last time I saw my daughter
breathing and not a day goes by that every essence of who I am doesn’t beg the
universe that this is not my reality. Not a day goes by that I don’t ask myself
what I could have done to save her. With
every day that comes and passes, I remind myself of how she lived and I find
hope in that her story will change the course of someone else’s battle. Sara had the ability to do anything she wanted
in life. Sara was going to change the
world. Her kind heart, infectious smile and her ability to touch your soul was astounding
at the young age of 16. Sara was my only
daughter, my best friend and my entire world. She is my only. Sara was a gifted
child who spoke many languages, excelled in anything that had to do with
school. She had a 4.7 GPA when she passed suddenly in July. She spent her life
making others laugh and smile. She would make you cookies just to brighten your
day. She never got in trouble. She wasn’t into boys or drugs. She came from a
good home. She had family who adored and
loved her to no end. This is seen now in our fight to save others like Sara. She wanted for nothing. When you saw Sara, she
looked as though she had it all. What I didn’t see as her mother was that some
of the struggles a teenager goes through hid the dark depression and anxiety
that she was facing. She was a perfectionists but I saw this as a strength. She died suddenly from a disease called
mental illness but the method was suicide. What I didn’t see was the silent
disease that ate away at her every essence of who she was. I have suffered the
greatest loss a mother can go through but I still find hope in the world. Since
her death, I have spent every moment of my time to save others by educating. I
helped form a non-profit that brings awareness and education to teens, parents
and teachers it’s called <a href="https://www.facebook.com/speakup.us/?fref=ts">Speak
Up</a>. I created a blog to share my journey in hopes that it will help others
have the conversation because what I would give to be able to ask Sara if she
has ever thought about killing herself. I have testified in front of the
Senate/House of Reps to get laws changed to bring mandatory suicide training to
educators. I search for hope in this dark deep world that she left me in. I try
to give others hope that they can find their peace after such a tragedy. Some
days I get out of bed to change the world she left me in. Other days, I hide my
head from the world because the reality that she is gone forever is all too
much. I give myself permission to have a bad day yet I don’t stay there forever.
Every 12 minutes, we lose another to suicide.
It’s an epidemic. 2<sup>nd</sup> leading cause in death ages 10-24. What are
you doing to change the world? What are you doing to save your children? What
are you afraid of? Speak Up and break the silence. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-65755336525238193002016-02-24T19:16:00.000-06:002016-02-24T19:16:03.906-06:00Six Months Since <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwneyyrZ1oOgr6HlLDJ-oDEw7W6YFtuuph1BEKrgdzrpO477HgPbfPfIQQFHby0AYNPhVwxAASMarQwqnSBa8nGpkiSHZPh_x0Vmt8RPDrKQJ1asgfTIzDEFFdkDdifg5DfhSrRVYEm4Q/s1600/allie2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="298" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwneyyrZ1oOgr6HlLDJ-oDEw7W6YFtuuph1BEKrgdzrpO477HgPbfPfIQQFHby0AYNPhVwxAASMarQwqnSBa8nGpkiSHZPh_x0Vmt8RPDrKQJ1asgfTIzDEFFdkDdifg5DfhSrRVYEm4Q/s320/allie2.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">They say it takes three weeks to change a habit or circumstance. One would logically think that six months of time passing, one would be able to tell you that some things are OK. In reality losing somebody you love and losing them to suicide will never feel okay. </span><span style="font-size: large;">Sara lost her battle to an illness that was in her case fatal. The method may have been suicide. It doesn't have to be. Losing a child to suicide is</span><span style="font-size: large;"> unnatural and the questions that we are left with attack our very soul. Some days its like time stands still. You are frozen in that last memory of your loved one...echoing in your mind. The day plays in repeat in my head...I should have done this or I should have done that or I could have done this...the if only's that I pray night and night again that no one else will have to face. After six months, there is no overcoming, there is no going back to normal. There is before and after her death. I see videos of me before her death and it feels like a 100 years since that moment. I cant remember the last time I felt complete and happy with the world, let alone myself. After six months, the pain is just as bad as it was the day that I found her. After six months, the sorrow empty feelings have just grown bigger, larger and more intense. I can barely listen to music. I don't find it soothing or helpful like before. Instead it tears up my soul thinking of all the songs we used to sing together when we drove home from school. I can hear her in my mind singing "I'll pray for you". She hated country music but would listen with me. Doing things like getting ready in the morning are often debilitating because for 16 years every morning was filled with our routine. We would get ready together in the same bathroom and prepare for our day. She was my best friend. I would be putting on my make up and she would be brushing her teeth...it was moments like that I would take the opportunity to brush her hair for her. It was our moment that she reminded me she was my little girl. God what I would do to be able to brush her hair again just one more time. Every morning when my alarm goes off, I'm reminded that my life keeps going and hers has ended. </span><span style="font-size: large;">People ask how I get up in the morning...to be honest I am not sure. Some days...I just wish my heart would stop because the pain is so intense. Missing her...</span><span style="font-size: large;">There is no tap tap tap on my shoulder from a very sleepy teenager, there is no fighting over who would take the shower first. There isn't one moment that she isn't on my mind. Before Sara's death, I would've told you that I was a survivor and that I was handed every challenge you could possibly handle and that I had overcome them one by one. I wore my scars like medals...proudly standing my ground. I don't see myself as a survivor. In my world-You don't survive suicide loss. You don't survive losing a child. I'm a warrior and I fight like hell every day to continue living and breathing without my child. There are some days when all you do is pray to God or whoever you believe in that the pain that is taking over you STOPS. After losing a child to suicide, I can say that my faith was tested to the breaking point. I hold no judgement for anyone's beliefs. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Six months ago doesn't feel like a long time when you think about, six months...think of how many things you do in that time. I'm just six months into a lifetime of living without her...I have been forced a walk down death row inside my own body, mind and heart. I wonder sometimes if this is how she felt. I wonder if her pain was anything like I feel...how long had she fought the pain inside without reaching for help. How long would I last if I didn't seek help? When I look back in my mind retrospectively it has felt like an eternity of walking through hell and the worst horror you could ever imagine. Every day I wake up and its like my life is on repeat, same hell, same sorrow, same nightmare, over and over. You think at night...please please please let me wake up from this nightmare. Please let this be just a bad dream. Please let this not be my life. I would not wish this nightmare on my worst enemy. Nothing will ever be the same. That is the hardest thing to grasp because I believe that we have the power to change things around us. I believe that we have the power and the ability to make a difference. I showed my daughter that she could change the world if she wanted to. In this case, there is nothing that I can do to change the outcome of the death of my daughter. I find myself in between this fog of disbelief and despair...the waves come faster and faster, one minute you're maintaining the screams in your head; the next minute, you're on your knees, no warning...no ability to hold on sucker punch right to the core of you. I feel like I am in a constant battle within my own mind. I miss who I once was living my perfect life, with my perfect family, with my perfect child, yeah we had our imperfect things but that is what made us perfect in my eyes. I didn't really need perfect, I had it already. When you lose a child, it changes you in ways you never thought possible. I see pictures of me and I see the sadness that has taken over. I am broken but I am climbing through the depths of hell. My fight will not be over until my last breath, I will continue to try to help others. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGT0rfxqVu_U6AmLaZ4ZYVmOH2huPj1-s_kALSnx-2ynjfzGPOswt7p93oEJwXV4XGjIaSlLsyptJyeDTuDKmV2uijxBrSgaXYR_kjFBgluZkWILvE3sC6nmwRsITwqLgoiYf_UjZEkMk/s1600/allie.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGT0rfxqVu_U6AmLaZ4ZYVmOH2huPj1-s_kALSnx-2ynjfzGPOswt7p93oEJwXV4XGjIaSlLsyptJyeDTuDKmV2uijxBrSgaXYR_kjFBgluZkWILvE3sC6nmwRsITwqLgoiYf_UjZEkMk/s200/allie.JPG" width="153" /></a></div>
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Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-5997442825447453102016-02-18T05:30:00.000-06:002016-02-18T17:31:45.293-06:00Secrets<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>Secrets<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I speak for others but not for myself.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can share their stories with everyone else.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So why do I hide behind my own pain?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So afraid of the backlash, whispers and shame.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
People see an image of me, <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Happy, alive, outgoing and carefree.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But, if the only knew what was lurking inside, <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If the heard the demons I try to hide.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What would they think of the struggles in my brain?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Would they laugh at me? Hate me? Call me insane?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
People think my life is perfect, a picture from a book.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But they might see so much more if they took a closer look. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have much to be thankful for the blessings are great, <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But under the image is doubt, inferiority and self hate. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I smile for others, it’s what they want to see.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I put on my show, pretending everyone wants to be me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But when all is said and done and I am all alone, <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The darkness comes creeping in, weighing my heart like a
stone. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want to shout out for someone to hear.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want someone to take away all these fears.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I cant let anyone know the thoughts in my head ,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The feelings of fear, doubt and dread.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If I reached out what would they say?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Would they say its for attention and walk away?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Would they say get over yourself you have nothing to worry
about?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Your life is perfect, stand up, shut up, figure it out.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So many suffer with much greater ordeals.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Your just selfish, hormonal, go take a pill. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And they are right, so many struggle far worse then I.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I hide it all away and I lie, lie lie.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But the demons don’t care who you pretend to be.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They creep in and taunt you, make you see what they see. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You are worthless, you fail at all you try.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You hurt everyone who loves you, maybe you should die.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The world wouldn’t miss you if you went away.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It would go on turning, so why bother to stay. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You cant do anything right, you fail at all you do.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How could you really expect anyone to love you?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Soon the words become images in my head.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Examples in my life to support the fear and dread.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am suffocated with pain, alone in the night.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Struggling in my own hell, trying not to lose the fight. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I reach through the oppressive sadness, <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Turning my back, running from the madness. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why cant I find my own voice?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am sinking, drowning, and its not a choice. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want to shout out, to share the hurt inside.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But who would understand me, in who could I confide?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I stand quite and frozen, by my fears I am confined.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am all alone, dying, tortured by my own mind. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I sink deeper and deeper, over come with despair. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Panic squeezing my chest, leaving me without air. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Who could I turn to, who could I make see?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is there anyone who will listen without judging me?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel so alone, everyone has turned away.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What is wrong with me, why doesn’t anyone stay?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Just when I think the demons have won the war,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That I can fall no further and can take no more. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I choose to stand up and fight back instead.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Screaming out to drown the voices in my head. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wont let them win, not this time. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I put on a smile and pretend I am fine. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Back to the beginning the cycle repeats. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
No one must know, this is my secret to keep.<br />
<br />
Author: <span style="font-family: "tahoma" , sans-serif;">Delilah </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "tahoma" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Written in memory of Sara "Bob" and all those who suffer. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Please do not keep secrets!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Speak Up, Reach Out!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Break The Silence!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">End The Stigma!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Tell Someone!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">U Matter!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Please like and share our facebook page-we will be giving out a Speak Up Hoodie and T-Shirt randomly to 2 of our supporters when we hit 1000 likes!!!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/speakup.us/?fref=ts">https://www.facebook.com/speakup.us/?fref=ts</a></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">We also have hoodies, bands, and t shirts for purchase(limited sizes) </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">or </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">if you just want to make a donation. ***All donations are used in the community. Send me a message for orders to prinalle2@gmail.com Subject line:SPEAK UP or select the link below just to make a donation. </span><br />
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Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-46112303862511322752016-02-04T18:14:00.001-06:002016-02-04T18:21:20.145-06:00Signs Symptoms Hindsight Theories<div class="MsoNormal">
Signs Symptoms Hindsight Theories...that is what I am left to think about the rest of my breathing life, just to name a few of the things that torture me throughout my days into my nights...I have learned a lot about myself in the last 6 months. One thing
is that I had this image of what a suicidal person looked like…after all I had
lost my father to suicide in 1989. I was taught a hard lesson about suicide at a very young age. He was hospitalized and showed many signs
that he was “at risk.” My mother tried everything she could to save him. He had anger issues and suffered for many
years with his own brain lies. He lost the battle when he over dosed on his
medication the VA gave him one week after they sent him home from the mental
hospital saying "He was fine" ...I still wonder to this day how life would be if he was able to find his way...He ended his life forcing my mother to raise two children on her own in a world where the stigma behind suicide was awful and unspoken.
Forcing my life into a lifelong battle of questions and torture. Being a child from a shattered home, I too
suffered with thoughts of ending my life. I knew what I went through as a kid.
So when I became a mom out of high school, I made damn sure that my own child
would never struggle, she would never feel pain like I had, and she would never
feel unloved and alone. She would be
loved and protected by all those who loved her. I overcame it all to save her
from repeating my past mistakes, choices, and struggles. Before
suicide took my daughter, in my mind a suicidal person would be someone who “looked
a certain way”. They came from a broken home, someone who had no support, and
someone who didn’t take care of themselves, someone that society deemed as
depressed or someone who was into drugs and alcohol, or someone who was bullied
for being different. They would have this look and society would just “know”
that person is in need of help. Yes I
too was once this stupid judgmental person. I was once that person who said
this wouldn't, couldn’t happen to my perfect little happy family. I was once that
person who is like many of the people I meet now that would have asked “Oh was
it drugs?” or “Oh was she bullied?” or “Oh did she get in trouble?” NO NO
NO-she didn’t do anything. She was a great daughter. She never got in trouble.
She was always getting great grades. She was always my angel. Unfortunately, Sara’s
signs were discovered after her death. It’s
a little too late now...Its hindsight that we look back and now say well yes
she had this or that. So what I have learned is that trying to identify the
signs can be very difficult. I do not believe that there is only one way to
solve this epidemic. There is not checklist that will cover
everything. The only thing that you can do is to ask the hard questions and
hope that a repeated open conversation will allow your children to share open
and honestly. Then you need to take the appropriate actions which include giving
them the tools on how to respond if they have a peer who talks about death or
being depressed. We need to arm our
children with tools on how to help their peers as well as arm ourselves with
the proper tools. Parenting didn’t come
with a tool kit on how to survive it and get through it so we must adapt and
conquer the obstacles that arise. While there were no highlighted red flags that
I can say well shit I missed this or why didn’t I see that…what I can say is
that when I look back at some of the signs to look for Sara had some of them
but then I google PMS and half the signs for teenage PMS are the exact same. Heck half the signs for suicide half the
people I know have or show from one time or another. So there is more than just
looking for signs. We as people need to start having the hard conversations. Some
things that I share about Sara’s struggles I learned after she passed when
people came forward to tell me that they wished they would have known more
about depression and suicide or they thought that she was just being a normal
teen…well our children are killing themselves. It’s the 2<sup>nd</sup> leading cause
and it’s only getting worse. There is not one tell tell reason to look for. We need
to give our teachers who are in the prime position to see signs, symptoms, or
red flags more tools to identify at risk students or moments in a classroom. Senate
Bill 363 does just that! Suicide doesn’t
pick the person or family. It’s an epidemic that is taking our youth. There is
no magic serum to save our youth but just like cancer. When someone I loved was
given a cancer diagnosis, we fought back and we fought back with all hell we
could bring down. We didn’t judge them for having it and instead we rallied
around them to life them up. Just like cancer, we have to try everything and
anything to save them. With cancer we do surgery, chemo, radiation, and
sometimes exploratory procedures…why because we want to give that person the
best chance at life that we can give them so look at your conversation like
this…you are giving your child different treatments options until you find the
one that allows them to heal, grow, and cope. What I would give to have the conversation
with my daughter again….Recently someone shared with me that they took my
advice and asked their child if they ever thought about hurting themselves….the
used Sara’s story and her picture to help them start the conversation which I
loved. The child who is a young girl
said “No but I have thought about killing myself.” As I am sure that parent was
as taken back as I was when I heard this.
It was strange to me that the child would put those two things in
different categories. To me hurting yourself and killing yourself would be in
the same area of conversations. To kill yourself is to harm yourself but it’s
clear that kids don’t think like we do. It
was heartbreaking that she had thought about killing herself. This small
conversation turned into a larger conversation that is now allowing the child
and mother to seek out different options on how to help this young girl heal,
grow and cope. Again, what I would give to be able to have that conversation
with my daughter. While we had conversations about my father’s death and how
far I had come in my life losing him at a young age, I never thought I should
worry about losing her too. Sara was a quiet and reserved child. She was comfortable at being one of those
smart nerdy kids. She loved being a nerd. She liked to play on her phone. She
loved listening to music all the time. She didn’t like to be the center of
attention but seemed very comfortable and confident in whom she was becoming.
She was always trying to make others smile. She had a sassy personality that I
am proud to claim. Sara weeks before her death had pushed off summer homework
until 2 weeks before school. She had recently gotten a test score back from the
prior year that she wasn’t happy with. She was going to have her wisdom teeth
removed the following day. She had been to Spain in June with her class where
she experienced being away from home alone for the first time. She had just
come back from Tennessee the week before she died. During the summer she was very busy but that
was nothing new. Looking back now she
seemed to have more headaches than usually but I thought it was just girl
stuff. She complained about her legs hurting but seemed to be nothing at the
time. Looking back I can see where she was less active in family things but I
figured it was because she was coming back from two very busy trips. I remember
telling my husband that she seems really different like she is finally found
her groove. She seemed all in all pretty happy. I had no clue that she was in a
state of despair and hopelessness. I had no clue that she was facing the “perfect
storm” The storm that she wouldn’t come out alive from…I no longer get to watch
her grow and become an adult…instead I have to face each day without her…living
in my own hell…walking through fire everyday….only to dream and wonder about the
person she would have become…to walk in these shoes is unbearable. At times it feels like the world is closing in
on you and the last thing you think about is how you as a parent failed…it’s
the ultimate failure for me. It’s the one thing, I can never fix. I can’t take
back time and I can’t change the outcome but what I can do is make sure that
she is not remember for her one action because Sara was more than that one
choice. Sara’s Silence will be heard. So as I take a stand, I will be her
voice. I will not be silent. 27 years after losing my father you would think that our world would have changed to allow those who suffer the ability to find hope, support, and more ways to cope...6 months since suicide ripped my family apart....</div>
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Look at this picture...does this person look like what society has been teaching us over the last decade...</div>
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<br /></div>
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She was just a normal child who suffered in silence. </div>
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She didn't have to!</div>
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Don't let my nightmares become yours...</div>
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SPEAK UP</div>
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BREAK THE SILENCE</div>
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Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-81859971209962261702016-02-01T17:00:00.000-06:002016-02-01T17:20:28.488-06:00Our Testimony before the Kansas Senate 1.26.16<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Senate
Bill 323<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Proponent
for the bill hearing Tuesday January 26<sup>th</sup>, 2016<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #222222;">My name is Allison Doss. I am a proponent for senate Bill
323. In July 2015 my daughter Sara Prideaux ended her life by suicide. She was
going into her junior year at Shawnee Mission South in Overland Park Kansas.
She was a vibrant, smart and loving 16 year old. Sara was involved in anything
school oriented. She was in the top of her class speaking multiple languages
fluently. She was a member of student council and enjoyed helping in the
theater department. Her entire world was school. Sara was always helping
others. She had the kindest heart. Her smile was Infectious. She had spent time
over the summer in Spain with her classmates and teachers. After she passed away I noticed, Sara showed many
signs that she was struggling yet no one saw them because no one was trained to
know the signs. I looked for the basic flags you look for as someone who has had a suicide in her life before. She told people she was depressed but no one knew how to take action. Suicide prevention needs to be in the schools for the teacher
and the parents. We have to be able to give our children the tools to succeed
which also means we need to give the teachers the tools to succeed and helping
our children with not just their education needs but their emotional needs as
well. Senate Bill 323 does just that. Senate Bill 323 will allow the additional
training to be provided for the education staff for free without costing the
school money. This bill could save other children where my daughter was not
able to be saved. Help give the tools to the people who are spending over 40
hours with our children every week. Help lower the second leading cause in
death among ages of 10 to 24. Help keep this tragedy that has happened to many
of us in this room, from happening to anyone else. I will continue to SPEAK UP
for those who have lost their voice. I
Allison Doss am a proponent for Senate Bill 323. I will be the Martin Luther King of mental illness</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">...</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #373e4d; line-height: 15.36px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> I have a dream where our children are not judged by the things in their head and instead lifted up and carried when the burden becomes too much to bear.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222;">
<br />
<span style="background: white;">Allison Doss<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background: white;">Mother of Sara "Bob" Prideaux</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;"><span style="color: #222222;">As Sara's mom, I didn't see that she was hurting but what if the teachers could. I know the signs of someone who is suicidal and would have never guessed she was thinking of ending her life. I thought her behavior was just normal teenager behavior. We all know that children act different around there parents than they do others. What if the teachers had additional training and could have noticed something that I contributed to normal teenage angst. What if the signs that I didn't see until she was dead could have been picked up on by a teacher. We want to teach our children how to protect them from drunk driving, getting pregnant, STD's, texting driving, but what about there mental health. What about the 2nd leading cause in death in our youth. This bill is just another tool to help the teachers. We teach medical professional new techniques as science changes, why not change things in school as things change as well. We cant teach the children if they are not in there seats. The teachers are in a prime position to help, why not give them the tools to help. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background: white;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Senate Bill 323<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Proponent for the bill
hearing Tuesday January 26<sup>th</sup>, 2016<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222;">Good Afternoon State
Senators. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to talk with you today. My
name is Helen Rentz grandmother of Sara Prideaux. Sara was a student at SMS
with a 4.7 GPA,a student council representative which she joined to try to make
a difference. She could sing, draw ,paint and play the piano. She loved making
cookies for her peers at school who were having a bad day. She had lots of
friends and loved baking. On July 30,2015 she made the choice that life was not
worth living and killed herself. No note was left just lots of unanswered
questions remain. What was so wrong in her life that she felt no one could fix
it for her. I don't have that answer but I do know that when she left us the
world lost a precious child. She showed no signs she was struggling. I would
know signs because this is my third suicide I have been left to grieve. Two of
my military husbands killed themselves several years ago. I am here to ask you
to please pass this bill to help the remaining teenagers who are still alive
and struggling. I was aware of suicide but not of how many teenagers we are
losing daily nation wide . When Sara died I couldn't believe how my family was
being treated by the ignorance of people about suicide. One person called my
grand daughter a contagion which means a disease which would cause other people
to commit suicide. My Sara would not have wanted anybody else to do what she
did. But in my searching for answers over the past 6 months I find that the
school districts teachers and counselors have not been trained how to help
teens that are struggling or to watch for signs of suicide. I also wonder why we
are not trying to fix or at least reduce the 2nd leading cause of death among
teenagers but the third leading cause for teens we raise and donate to cancer
research. My daughter has been trying to make a difference in her daughters
school and has been met with great resistance because a few parents don't want
it talked about because they are themselves uncomfortable with talking about
suicide. We are losing very intelligent teenagers to suicide. I would never had
thought I would lose my grand daughter to suicide because I knew all the signs
and watched for them. Voting yes to this bill will help every teenager in this
state. The teachers have our children 40 hours a week which is more time then
we have with our children. Since I have been telling my story I can't tell you
how many adults, teenagers have asked to please keep fighting for mental health
awareness. No family is immune to teen suicide. I was shocked by how many
families have admitted to me that their teen was struggling but they couldn't
come forward to talk about for fear of repercussions with their jobs or they
were so over ran with grief they had no fight left in them to try to help. I
will not stop talking or appearing before committees to try to change mental
health awareness. I plan on visiting other states that are doing it right to
see what ideas I can bring back to our state to help with this cause of mental
health awareness. We can't improve the statistics if we don't change what we
are doing. Losing a child for any reasons is devastating but losing a child to
suicide is the worst because you don't always get a chance to try to fix what's
wrong. Time does not make it better . In my case I lost a grand daughter and
basically my daughter because everyday she wakes up is another day she would rather
not be here because her only child is gone. I pray that you will pass this bill
and make it mandatory for all educators to have this training . I know teachers
have a demanding job but in order for me to keep my license to practice in the
medical field I have to keep my skills and education up. I pay for my
continuing education credits.They are not free and I spend my own time doing
them. This bill will only require their time. It's free training and it will
save lives. One last thing I keep hearing how mental health budgets are being
cut more and more. I don't understand if health insurance companies cover
diabetes why they are not mandated to provide mental health coverage for the
same co-pay or hospital stay. Please pass this bill quickly and make it
mandatory sooner than later. Everyday this bill is not passed we lose
teenagers. I would not want you to live in my world. We owe this to these teens
who are born with an illness no one wants to understand or do anything about
it. Please save our future adults. Thank you for allowing me to speak. Please
do the right thing here. Start the solution instead of being part of the issue.
Have a nice afternoon. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Helen Rentz</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Grandmother of Sara "Bob" Prideaux</span></span></span></div>
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<br />
<br />
Now you take the next step-see how you can make a difference in the lives of our children. </div>
Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-7802364766832924132016-02-01T11:11:00.000-06:002016-02-01T11:11:37.463-06:00Jason Flatt Act Background InfoState Laws on Suicide Prevention Training for School Personnel
Overview: According to the latest (2013) data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
(CDC), suicide is the second leading cause of death for young people ages 10-24 (Centers for Disease
Control and Prevention, 2015). According to the 2013 Youth Risk Behavior Survey, more than 1 in 6 high
school students in the U.S. reported having seriously considered attempting suicide in the 12 months
preceding the survey, and 8% of students (about 1 in 12) reported having attempted suicide in the
preceding 12 months (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2013).
As children and teens spend a significant amount of their young lives in school, the personnel that
interact with them on a daily basis are in a prime position to recognize the signs of suicide and make the
appropriate referrals for help. To be able to do this, they will need effective training to acquire the
necessary skills and confidence to intervene with youth at-risk, and mandated training is one way to
ensure that all school personnel have a baseline understanding of suicide risk and the referral process.
Suicide prevention training for school personnel is targeted within the updated 2012 National Strategy
for Suicide Prevention (NSSP), which includes 4 strategic directives and a set of 13 goals and
corresponding 60 objectives that recommend a variety of organizations and individuals become involved
in suicide prevention. Specifically, Goal 7 of the revised NSSP is to “Provide training to community and
clinical service providers on the prevention of suicide and related behaviors.” These community-based
and clinical prevention professionals include educators and school personnel, as their “work brings them
into contact with persons with suicide risk,” and they should therefore be “trained on how to address
suicidal thoughts and behaviors and on how to respond to those who have been affected by suicide.”
Corresponding Objective 7.1 specifically indicates school counselors as persons “on the frontlines of
suicide prevention” that should receive training, and recommends that schools, colleges, and
universities “train relevant school staff to recognize students at potential risk of suicide and refer to
appropriate services.” Several other objectives within the NSSP (Objectives 1.1, 3.1, and 5.2 specifically)
also assert that suicide prevention should be integrated into the values, culture, leadership, and work of
educational institutions, and that schools, colleges, and universities have a role to play in “training
personnel who are in contact with individuals with suicide risk, and providing support to individuals in
crisis,” (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Office of the Surgeon General and National
Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention [U.S. Dept. of HHS & Action Alliance], 2012).
Teachers and other school personnel must not only be well-equipped to identify and communicate with
their students about suicidal behaviors, but they must also be able to accurately discuss these issues
with each other. While school staff and faculty should not be expected to make clinical diagnoses, they
should be able to recognize developing signs and symptoms associated with suicide risk, mental
disorders, and substance abuse. Providing these professionals with the skills, vocabulary, and
techniques to be comfortable with these issues through specific training “could enhance these
providers’ ability to provide support to individuals at risk and make appropriate referrals,” (U.S. Dept. of
HHS & Action Alliance, 2012).
Updated 9/29/2015
School Personnel Training Laws Overview Page 2 of 7
Current State Laws:
State Mandated Annual Training (9 states)
There are currently nine states (Alaska, Delaware, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisiana, Nebraska, North
Dakota, Tennessee, and Texas) that mandate annual suicide prevention training for school personnel. In
Alaska, Georgia, Louisiana, North Dakota, Tennessee, and Texas, this mandate is titled the Jason Flatt
Act.
Alaska requires 2 hours of training each year for teachers, administrators, counselors, and
specialists who provide services to students in grades 7-12 [adopted 2012]
Delaware requires public school employees to receive 90 minutes of training each year; training
materials must be evidence based and developed/approved by the Departments of Health and
Social Services, Services for Children Youth and their Families, and Education [adopted 2015]
Georgia requires annual training for all certificated public school personnel; the training must be
provided within the framework of existing in-service training programs offered by the
department of education or as part of required professional development offered by a local
school system [adopted 2015]
Kentucky requires 2 hours of “self-study review of suicide prevention materials” each year for
high school and middle school principals, guidance counselors, and teachers [adopted 2010]
Louisiana requires 2 hours of in-service training each year for teachers, school counselors,
principals, and other administrators “for whom such training is deemed beneficial” [adopted
2008]
Nebraska requires at least 1 hour of training each year for all public school nurses, teachers,
counselors, school psychologists, administrators, school social workers, and other “appropriate
personnel”; also requires the department of education to collaborate with others in the state to
develop a list of approved training materials that identify available mental health services and
instruct on when and how to refer youth and their families to those services [adopted 2014]
North Dakota requires that middle and high school teachers, administrators, and instructional
staff receive at least 2 hours of professional development annually in youth suicide risk
indicators, appropriate responses, and referral sources [initially adopted 2013, added annual
requirement 2015]
Tennessee requires 2 hours of in-service training each year for teachers and principals [adopted
2007]
Texas:
o Requires annual staff development for educators in suicide prevention; training must be
based on best practice recommended by the Department of State Health Services in
coordination with the Texas Education Agency and may be completed via independent
online review [adopted 2015];
o Requires that minimum academic qualifications for certified educators also require
instruction regarding mental health, substance abuse, and youth suicide, provided
through a program selected from the list of recommended best practice-based
programs established under §161.325 Health and Safety Code, and including effective
strategies for teaching and intervening with students with mental or emotional
Updated 9/29/2015
School Personnel Training Laws Overview Page 3 of 7
disorders, including de-escalation techniques and positive behavioral interventions and
supports [initially adopted 2013, amended 2015]
State Mandated Training, Not Annual (16 states)
There are currently sixteen states (Arkansas, Connecticut, Illinois, Indiana, Maine, Maryland,
Massachusetts, Mississippi, New Jersey, Ohio, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Utah, Washington, West
Virginia, and Wyoming) that mandate training in suicide prevention for school personnel but do not
specify that the training must be annual. In Arkansas, Mississippi, Ohio, South Carolina, West Virginia,
and Wyoming, the law is titled the Jason Flatt Act.
Arkansas requires 2 hours of training every 5 years for licensed personnel [adopted 2011]
Connecticut requires (an unspecified duration of) training once, as a condition of initial
certification for beginning teachers; local boards of education must also provide an in-service
training program for teachers, administrators, and pupil personnel that includes information on
youth suicide prevention and response [adopted 2011]
Illinois requires school guidance counselors, teachers, school social workers, and other
personnel who work with pupils in grades 7-12 to be trained (unspecified duration) and taught
various intervention techniques; the training must be provided within the framework of existing
in-service training programs or required professional development activities [adopted 2009]
Indiana requires (an unspecified duration of) training as a requirement for initial teaching
licensure, for applicants for initial teaching license at any grade level [adopted 2011]
In Maine, beginning in the 2014-2015 school year for high schools and in the 2015-2016 school
year for middle and elementary schools, all school personnel will be required to receive a 1-2
hour in-service training module in suicide prevention awareness every 5 years, and at least two
personnel in each school will be required to take a more intensive one-day course in suicide
prevention and intervention training every 5 years [adopted 2013]
Maryland now requires certified school counselors, on or before July 1, 2016, to have obtained
the knowledge and skills required to understand and respond to the social, emotional, and
personal development of students, including (1) knowledge and skills relating to the recognition
of indicators of mental illness and behavioral distress, including depression, trauma, violence,
youth suicide, and substance abuse; and (2) The identification of professional resources to help
students in crisis [adopted 2015]
Massachusetts requires that all licensed school personnel receive at least 2 hours of training
every three years [adopted 2014]
Mississippi requires (an unspecified duration of) training only once, for all newly employed
licensed teachers and principals [adopted 2009]
New Jersey requires 2 hours of training to be completed in each professional development
period for public school teaching staff members; New Jersey is unique in that it specifies that a
qualified trainer in the mental health community must administer the training [adopted 2006]
Ohio requires that training in youth suicide, awareness, and prevention be incorporated into
existing in-service training required for nurses, teachers, counselors, school psychologists,
administrators, and any other “appropriate” personnel every 5 years [adopted 2012]
Updated 9/29/2015
School Personnel Training Laws Overview Page 4 of 7
Pennsylvania, beginning with the 2015-2016 school year, will require at least 4 hours of training
every 5 years for professional educators in school buildings serving students in grades 6-12
[adopted 2014]
South Carolina requires 2 hours of training every 5 years (consistent with the state’s existing
licensure cycle) [adopted 2012]
Utah requires 2 hours of training consistent with the state’s licensure cycle [adopted 2012]
In Washington, school social workers, school nurses, school psychologists, and school
counselors are required to receive at least 3 hours of training as a condition of professional
certification [adopted 2013]
West Virginia requires “routine education” for professional educators, including principals,
administrators, and those service personnel having direct contact with students [adopted 2012]
Wyoming requires at least 8 hours of suicide prevention education every 4 school years for all
teachers and administrators using “suitable materials reviewed and recommended” by the state
superintendent and the director of the department of education (beginning in the 2014-2015
school year) [adopted 2014]
State Encourages Training (14 states)
There are fourteen states (Alabama, Arizona, California, Colorado, Florida, Michigan, Minnesota,
Montana, Nevada, New York, Oklahoma, Rhode Island, Virginia, and Wisconsin) with laws in place that
encourage suicide prevention training for school personnel. In some states this means the provision of
access to training as an option for professional development. In others, structures are put in place by
the legislature to provide for the training, but school personnel are not required to make use of those
training options. Or, the state allows grant funding to be used for suicide prevention training, but does
not require it.
Other (Unique) School Suicide Prevention Statutes
Eight states (Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Illinois, Maine, Pennsylvania, Utah, and
Washington) require school suicide prevention policies and or programming statewide; nine
other states (Alabama, Arkansas, California, Louisiana, Maryland, New Jersey, Oklahoma, Texas,
and Virginia) encourage school suicide prevention policies and or programming
Idaho encourages the inclusion of teen early intervention specialists in schools to provide
suicide prevention counseling services
Iowa encourages early intervention programs for students at-risk for suicide
North Carolina requires at least one employee within the local school administrative unit be
trained in the unique needs of children who have immediate family members in the military,
including training on suicide risks
Oklahoma requires teachers, counselors, principals, administrators, and other school personnel
to immediately notify the parents or legal guardians of students determined to be at risk for
attempting suicide
Utah requires schools to notify a parent or guardian if their student threatens to complete
suicide or is involved in a bullying incident and maintain a record of that notification; school
boards are required to adopt a policy regarding the process for parent/guardian notification
Updated 9/29/2015
School Personnel Training Laws Overview Page 5 of 7
Virginia requires all licensed administrative or instructional personnel to contact a student’s
parent “as soon as practicable” should they have reason to believe, as a result of direct
communication from a student, that such student is at imminent risk of suicide
Current Advocacy Efforts: The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) recognizes
that the training of school personnel is a crucial step toward reducing the rate of suicide among young
people in the U.S., and has therefore made mandated suicide prevention training for these key
gatekeepers a public policy priority. Many states that currently mandate suicide prevention training for
school personnel achieved this through adopting a bill titled The Jason Flatt Act, the hallmark piece of
legislation for the not-for-profit organization, the Jason Foundation, Inc. (JFI). In most states, the Jason
Flatt Act mandates 2 hours of suicide prevention training for school personnel, although in each state
the requirements vary slightly. Recognizing this accomplishment, and to better address this public
policy priority, AFSP joined efforts with JFI in 2011-2015 to actively support passage of the Jason Flatt
Act in Alaska, Georgia, North Dakota, Ohio, South Carolina, Utah, and Wyoming.
AFSP Model Legislation on Suicide Prevention in Schools: After working with JFI on
several states in 2011-2012, AFSP wanted to promote this type of advocacy work in additional states
where JFI has not introduced the Jason Flatt Act. For these states, AFSP has developed model
legislation for use by AFSP Field Advocate volunteers, AFSP Chapter volunteers, and members of the
general public who would like to propose this type of legislation to their own state lawmakers. In
development of the model legislation, AFSP public policy staff consulted with members of AFSP’s
national Public Policy Council, referenced current empirical research and existing state laws, and
incorporated feedback from staff and volunteers who were involved in the passage of suicide
prevention training laws in their state. The model legislation is intended to serve as an ideal starting
point with elected officials who are willing to consider sponsoring a suicide prevention in schools
bill. See page 7 of this document for the full model legislation.
Training Resources: Every state has some form of suicide prevention training or awareness
program available. However, the availability and accessibility of these programs vary. The appeal of
AFSP’s Model Legislation on Suicide Prevention in Schools, and of the Jason Flatt Act, is that their
language is worded to allow flexibility within states to choose the training programs that will best
fit the educational environment(s) within their state.
AFSP offers several resources for schools that may be used to implement existing laws or to offset
the cost of proposed legislation (fiscal note). Details can be found online at
http://www.afsp.org/preventing-suicide/our-education-and-prevention-programs/programs-forteens-and-young-adults.
All are offered either as a free download online or through local AFSP
chapters. Seventy-five (75) AFSP chapters currently serve 43 states across the U.S. Find your local
chapter online at http://www.afsp.org/local-chapters/find-your-local-chapter.
Updated 9/29/2015
School Personnel Training Laws Overview Page 6 of 7
References: The following resources were consulted for statistics and background information for
this overview:
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2015). National Center for Injury Prevention and Control:
WISQARS Leading Causes of Death Reports, National and Regional, 1999-2008. Retrieved
January 30, 2015 from http://webappa.cdc.gov/sasweb/ncipc/leadcaus10_us.html.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. 2013 Youth Risk Behavior Survey. Available at:
www.cdc.gov/yrbs. Accessed on June 30, 2014.
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) Office of the Surgeon General and National Action
Alliance for Suicide Prevention. (September 2012). 2012 National Strategy for Suicide
Prevention: Goals and Objectives for Action. Washington, DC: HHS. Retrieved September 11,
2012 from http://www.surgeongeneral.gov/library/reports/national-strategy-suicideprevention/full-report.pdf.
Updated 9/29/2015
School Personnel Training Laws Overview Page 7 of 7
AFSP Model Legislation: Suicide Prevention in Schools
(1) Beginning in the 2016-2017 school year, the State Board/Department of Education shall adopt rules
to require that all public school personnel receive at least 2 hours of suicide awareness and
prevention training each year*. This training shall be provided within the framework of existing inservice
training programs offered by the State Board/Department of Education or as part of required
professional development activities.
(2) The State Board/Department of Education shall, in consultation with state agency/coalition charged
with coordinating state suicide prevention activities, other stakeholders, and suicide prevention
experts, develop a list of approved training materials to fulfill the requirements of this Section.
(a) Approved materials shall include training on how to identify appropriate mental health services
both within the school and also within the larger community, and when and how to refer youth
and their families to those services.
(b) Approved materials may include programs that can be completed through self-review of
suitable suicide prevention materials.
(3)
(a) Each public school district shall adopt a policy on student suicide prevention. Such policies shall
be developed in consultation with school and community stakeholders, school employed mental
health professionals, and suicide prevention experts, and shall, at a minimum, address
procedures relating to suicide prevention, intervention, and postvention.
(b) To assist school districts in developing policies for student suicide prevention, the Department
of Education shall develop and maintain a model policy to serve as a guide for school districts in
accordance with this section.
(4)
(a) No person shall have a cause of action for any loss or damage caused by any act or omission
resulting from the implementation of the provisions of this Section or resulting from any
training, or lack thereof, required by this Section.
(b) The training, or lack thereof, required by the provisions of this Section shall not be construed to
impose any specific duty of care.
*In those states where the legislature must amend section (1) to require training less often, for example,
once every 5 years, or that remove a frequency requirement entirely, a new section will be added that
states:
The State Board/Department of Education shall adopt rules to require that all newly employed
public school personnel receive at least 2 hours of suicide awareness and prevention training
within 12 months of their date of hire.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
How to contact your local congress in MO. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.congressweb.com/AFSP/15"><span style="font-size: x-large;">http://www.congressweb.com/AFSP/15 </span></a></div>
Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-31523127563944577762016-01-14T09:08:00.000-06:002016-01-25T22:46:06.821-06:00Can't Stop<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 115%;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiLPmgwOwCj5Sj2PpdABA46sOYynYk48ERzU9-0jhyphenhyphenBrUV2DWuWk2L3N4G2RlwJuOdkuYnZW3Ayc8TjGSxzQM8w0zr9iDUyZzM-y-lZGFlgu1zpM2EORfI9v4f2PI0ZLc3wzMRP7XEAW4/s640/blogger-image-425966277.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiLPmgwOwCj5Sj2PpdABA46sOYynYk48ERzU9-0jhyphenhyphenBrUV2DWuWk2L3N4G2RlwJuOdkuYnZW3Ayc8TjGSxzQM8w0zr9iDUyZzM-y-lZGFlgu1zpM2EORfI9v4f2PI0ZLc3wzMRP7XEAW4/s640/blogger-image-425966277.jpg" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 115%;">Part of my
grief journey as Sara’s mom has to be to make a difference in people’s lives
and in mine. Our children are worth the every tear and heart break. Sara was my life, we grew up together. She was more than my
daughter. She was my best friend. She was the yin to my yang. She was what I
had given heaven and earth to protect over the last 16 years from all the bad
out in the world. She was the one person who has been there through anything
and everything with me. We had our own stories together. We had our own jokes
and inside funnies. I never thought my
role would change to telling her story of just 16 short years. I must find some
good in this nightmare that I walk in every day. Sara did a great job of hiding that she was
suicidal and depressed to her family. She didn’t want
to burden us with anything. She worried all the time about things. She was a
perfectionist even though, no one expected perfection. Failure was supported in our house.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"> Since
they ruled her death a suicide, it has been my mission to change the world that
she left us in. As some of you know, we have created the Speak Up foundation; partnering with
another family who lost a beloved son just a few months before we lost Sara. His
name is Jason Arkin. He loved video
games and making people laugh. He also liked penguins when he was younger. He was a bright 20 year old college student who
like Sara had the world at his fingertips. Sara and Jason were very </span><span style="line-height: 18.4px;">similar.</span><span style="line-height: 115%;"> His parents want to flip mental illness on its
side and bring awareness to the community in honor of Jason and Sara. While I
think every parents dream is that their children decide what their message to
the world will be, we are left suffering to figure it out. The Speak Up
foundation was created to bring mental health education, awareness and
prevention in suicides in our community and country. SPEAK UP stands for
Suicide Prevention Education Awareness for Kids United As Partners. We chose
“Partners” because we all have a responsibility to partner up and make a change
in this world. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 115%;"> Speak Up Foundation website is still in the works. The URL will be <a href="http://www.speakup.us/">www.speakup.us</a> however it’s still in progress. We are
working with a few people who have agreed to donate their time in getting it up
and running and looking for a few more volunteers. We are hoping to have it moving forward in the next few months
however until then we have the community Facebook page for Speak Up which is <a href="https://www.facebook.com/speakup.us/?fref=ts">https://www.facebook.com/speakup.us/?fref=ts</a> It’s a non-profit organization. If you think
you could contribute in any way, please message me personally as we can always use the
help. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 115%;"> Since Sara’s passing we
have been able to do a few things in her honor with the help of some pretty
amazing contributions/donations. Sara had a love for animals especially
penguins. Her entire room at my house is covered in penguins. We thought a way
to remember and honor her would be to do something at the zoo in Kansas City
and at the Tennessee Aquarium with penguins. She spent every summer in Tennessee
with her uncle “Pony” (Tony) and aunt “Bookie’ (Brooke). At the KC Zoo, on her behalf Cinderella the Gentoo
penguin was adopted and we had a plague made in her honor that is placed on the
Helzburg Penguin Tower outside the main penguin building. Both of these are here
in KC to celebrate her life and honor our little girl. At the TN Aquarium, we
were able to do a little more with the help of the fantastic team. We were able
to help name a baby Gentoo penguin in her honor. Sara who went by “Bob” to her
close friends got to become “Bobber” the
penguin. It was named after over 10,000 votes were placed. We were able to do a penguin room for back
stage tours for children and adults who want to have that once in a life time
experience with penguins. There will be a bench with a wall mounted plague with
the words “In loving memory Sara “Bob” Prideaux SPEAK UP” as it’s important for
the message to be heard and seen. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 115%;"> Also, with the help and donation from the
Arkin’s, we were able to partner up with Kevin Hines to bring a world known
quest speaker to the Shawnee Mission School districts that has dealt with
depression and attempting to take his own life multiple times. Countless teenagers
reached out to Kevin and wanted to seek help for the struggles in their brain.
I watched as they were empowered to tell someone that they too had suicidal
ideations or they knew someone else who did. In just 5 short months, we have
taken a few steps towards breaking the silence and ending the stigma associated
with suicide and mental illness. We continue to raise funds so that our
prevention efforts do not have to stop. We
are officially associated with a 501c3
because we are serious about making a difference through the Greater Kansas City
Mental Health Collation. We want you to be serious as well. Suicide is the 2nd
leading cause in death ages 10-24. The statistics are not getting better, they
are getting worse...No one is exempt from suicide.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 115%;"><b><i><u> What are you going to do to make a difference? </u></i></b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 115%;">You can be a voice, you can share my blog, you can make
a donation through</span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><a href="https://app.etapestry.com/onlineforms/JewishFamilyServices_2/MCHantistigma.html" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 115%;">https://app.etapestry.com/onlineforms/JewishFamilyServices_2/MCHantistigma.html</a><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 115%;">
and in memory/honor of SPEAK UP </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://paypal.me/alliedoss">paypal.me/alliedoss </a></span></li>
</ul>
</div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 115%;">OR </span></div>
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<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 115%;">buy one of
the many SPEAK items that we have available. Just remember that EVERY bit counts
and every little bit helps. Every part of the donation goes towards prevention
in the community. No donation is too small. </span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 115%;">We have awesome SPEAK UP super soft T-shirts
sizes Small-3XL. Cost with shipping is $25</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 115%;">We have amazing SPEAK UP zip up
hoodies sizes Small-3XL Cost with shipping is $35</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 115%;">We have wristbands that have a secret
message on the inside encouraging to reach out when in doubt. Cost with
shipping is $3 or 2 for $5</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 115%;">We have decals to put on your car.
Cost with shipping is $15</span></li>
</ul>
</ul>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18.4px;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/events/770398083103715/">https://www.facebook.com/events/770398083103715/</a></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18.4px;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 115%;">Or you can
simply just make a donation in honor of someone through one of the many links
provided. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The efforts cannot
stop here! We must continue to take
steps towards making a difference. We must continue to have the conversation.
You would be surprised by how many people suffer from the loss of a family member
due to suicide. Until it happens to you, people live in this magically world of
“it won’t happen to me” trust me when I think every mother who is like me thought
this same thing at some point in their life. We wouldn’t wish this life on our
worst enemy. My dream is to be able to
talk to parents, kids, and educators about mental health and suicide. I want to
be a guest speaker at events around mental health and suicide. I want to join
arms in this fight. I will be the Martin
Luther King of mental health. I have a dream where we are not judged by the
brain lies in our head but lifted up and supported when the weight becomes too
much to endure. I will not back down! I will continue to speak. I will continue
to fight to stay present! I will hold steady when the brain lies take over and
attack me over and over. </span></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Thank you for reading and thank you for sharing my
blog. You never know when sharing something so simple can show someone else
they are not alone. </span><span style="font-size: 8pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br />
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<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Special shout out to GOEX for the shirts and Nickerstickers for the decals. Both companies have been amazing at working with Speak Up. </span><br />
<a href="http://goex.org/"><span style="font-size: large;">http://goex.org/</span></a><br />
<a href="http://www.nickerstickers.com/" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">www.NickerStickers.com</span></span></a><br />
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Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-91668203996686742972016-01-08T15:45:00.000-06:002016-01-08T16:59:32.904-06:00BRAIN LIES<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcFwvpza7U7zCy-Z3FQ5xtLqswCmZBokI9Q0agOSEwoZ542KTzDrN4hzipo0WuqOSEn-W5fzDA6qtZ1WR_LEwjQ8rgyymBEW4VmFy_65RzNKBuUb8V_3ZhqA_f-D5dDRxyi-UwyECdfHM/s1600/lies.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcFwvpza7U7zCy-Z3FQ5xtLqswCmZBokI9Q0agOSEwoZ542KTzDrN4hzipo0WuqOSEn-W5fzDA6qtZ1WR_LEwjQ8rgyymBEW4VmFy_65RzNKBuUb8V_3ZhqA_f-D5dDRxyi-UwyECdfHM/s320/lies.JPG" width="244"></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
You keep living until you feel alive again that is what I
keep telling myself as the holidays passed. There has been so much going on
that sometimes you have to stop and just breathe. Stop and just maintain your
current position so that you are not compromising the rest of what you have
left. During the holidays, I found it to be such a wave of emotion. I wasn’t sure
what the next moment would bring. Sometimes it was easy to put on my smile face
for my family and other times it was like trying to lift the Empire state building
all by yourself with a fucking spoon…feeling like such a failure when you don’t
make any change to the current situation. I never in a million years would have
guessed that I would be in the place that I am in my life. I had already lived
through hell. I lost my dad, my grandma, my best friends…I had nothing left to
lose….at least that is what I thought….I had it all….struggles and
accomplishments…I had people tell me that they wanted to be like me…I was a
rock and a woman who worked through struggles and overcame them… I was a walking
statistic in regards to overcoming shit and crap in your life…I was unstoppable
in what I wanted in my life. It all came crashing down that July day…Sara was a
beautiful 16 year old girl who really had a great and easy life from what her
father and I provided for her. There was nothing that she didn’t have. Outside
looking in…we had it all. Perfect life shattered in an instant…with whom to
blame? No one said that they blamed me, yet I blame myself for not seeing that
she was hurting so bad… I thought it was just normal teenage shit… sometimes “collateral
damage survivors” experience things where the brain tells you it’s your fault…”you
weren’t enough to save her”. I call these
brain lies…the last five months since her death we have experience a lot of
firsts without her…one of the toughest was the first holiday’s without my baby
girl…She should have been here to get new presents that she didn’t need and
drive me crazy with ignoring my text or helping me make Christmas cinnamon
rolls like the last 15 fucking years. This
holiday was more than different. This holiday wasn’t going to ever be the same.
Every year on Christmas Eve we would spend the days prior preparing for the evening
festivities. We had matching plates and décor. All planned out and perfected to
the letter. We would prepare a huge meal
for all our family. We had the cutest decorations that we would pick out. Santa
would even come say Hi to the kids. 15 years of traditions all flipped up because
of just one bad day that turned our lives into a living nightmare. This holiday
posed to be more difficult than I could possibly prepare for. I wanted something
to go right but instead everything was going horrible. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A week before Christmas
I had mouth surgery and got dry socket. The medicine they put me on made me
mentally unstable. I was angry one minute and crying the next and fake happy
the next. It was a roller coaster of emotions that I couldn’t get a handle on. Christmas Eve was spent working while a huge
hole in my heart felt like it was bleeding. It feels like an open wound that
will never heal. We didn’t do anything
that night which poured into the next morning. I found myself laying her in bed
with tears running down my face…bawling uncontrollable. I couldn’t get out…I
kept telling myself that I have to get out of bed but I couldn’t. I felt helpless
and hopeless…nothing was worth getting out of bed for…so I kept laying there
wishing to be with her…wishing to see her face…wishing to hug her one more
time. What I would have given at that moment to be with her…after many hours of
just complete and total meltdown…my husband helped get me up and moving. I
would have probably laid there forever if I was allowed. We had to get things
ready cuz my bonus (step) son was coming over to the house to celebrate
Christmas with us. It was something different this year and I could handle it
if I just keep moving. This was for him. He was alive and needed me to pull my
shit together but even the living couldn’t pull me away from feeling dead. Even
the living, didn’t help me from what demons attacked my mind. That is what grief/depression/anxiety does to
you. Your brain lies to you. Your mind lies to you. While my husband went to go pick him up, I sat
and prayed to all above that I could get through the next few hours without
ruining the entire day for everyone. I just needed to find enough power inside
to sustain for a few hours. I found myself breathing over and over. Focusing on
anything that I could see and feel. I have been working on coping skills in
therapy for many weeks and why couldn’t I figure out how to tap in to those
damn things now…brain lies again. “You’re not enough to handle this” played
inside my mind over and over. The garage door opened and I am taken back to
reality…back to center….breathing…breathing…hold steady I kept telling myself…hold
steady…don’t move until you find your footing…I center myself again and rush to
the living room to see his face light up when he sees the presents under the
tree… (It wasn’t our tree; it was a different tree the grandma’s put up. I couldn’t
stand to look at the 15 years of ornaments and memories attacking my soul so
the family tree stayed in the basement…I couldn’t wrap presents this year so my
mom wrapped them for me, Jason and I didn’t do anything for each other this
year….we just couldn’t…between the therapy bills and the medical bills there
was very little left over to do much with. So we only bought for the kids.
Austin got presents Legos mostly and Sara got a donation made in her honor to
the Tennessee aquarium for Bobber and his friends) Austin gives me a hug…brain
lies again… “you’re not enough”…I find my mind twirling inside…I can feel the
taste of anger on my tongue at the thought that she is missing this moment with
us…how can I possibly celebrate anything right now…how can I possibly enjoy
anything while my child that I carried for 9 months is no longer here…brain
lies… “you weren’t enough”…I shake my head as if shaking it will shake the lies
out…I do this a lot actually and often…it’s like my own defense to shake the
images out of my head or shake the thoughts out of my head…brain lies to me all
the times…telling me that I am not enough…its part of the battle I now face
losing my child. I suffer from PTSD, acute anxiety disorder and a list of other
things. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
So I muster enough to get through
opening some presents while we wait for some family to arrive. I kept telling myself
just a few more hours until you can find solace in your sleep…as if sleep
provides any comfort. We had asked a few friends who have walked this horrible
path how they did the first holiday and after talking and talking we decided
leaving was a good plan. We decided to travel on Christmas so that we could
change things up from the last 15 years. We rented a van which was a pain in
the ass. I may never rent from Hertz again. They gave me a dirty van with broken
windshield, and no window washing fluid which was good since the van had a
broken window I guess. We wanted to go see my brother and sister in law in Tennessee.
This was harder than I anticipated it being. I thought that getting away from
the house the held me captive would be a great thing. It was hard because I had
never made the trip without her. I was either picking her up or taking her
back. Never was there a time in Tennessee without her. When we arrived I
expected her to be there lying on the sofa sleeping. When that was not the case
and the days went by that she was not there the brain lies attacked over and
over…by day 4 I couldn’t fight them off…”you were not enough”…I found myself
crying at the sight of a bench…a bench that the year prior we had sat on to
take pictures. I found myself unable to smile at the living moments. I was in
her favorite place on Earth and I couldn’t be there with her…why was life so
unfair…is this how she felt all the time? hopeless…afraid of falling apart…scared…exhausted
at fighting the brain lies off all the time…this battle would not be possible
if I didn’t have the support, love and guidance from my family, friends, group
family, supporters, therapist and those who tragically walk in the same nasty
horrible, no refund shoes that I wear every minute of every day. You can never
undo suicide. You can never unsee things. You can only learn to carry yourself
through the fire each and each day… taking one step at a time. Sometimes I take a step forward and some days
I take a step back…each day I just try to keep living until I can feel alive
again. Each day I fight to be present and
to be her voice. Each day I keep moving and sharing her story in hopes to save
someone else from this horrible path. We have made T-shirts, hoodies and car
decals to share her story so that others find the courage to SPEAK UP. We make
sure our kids eat well and get plenty of sleep…why not check on their mental
state as well. Have the conversation…even if it’s a difficult one. Keep having
it until it’s no longer difficult. Someone recently asked me “Are you suicidal?”
“Are you in danger of hurting yourself?” While my answer was “No I am not. I am
in a good place right now but I am having a tough day. Can you just talk to me
for a while?” I was thankful that they did because it gave me the chance to
talk about what things were attacking my head. It opened the door that I knew
was there but didn’t remember because sometimes those “brain lies” are so loud
and abusive that you forget. So remember that if you are struggling through
life to be nice to yourself. Hold Steady! SPEAK UP!!!!!!!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Please share this post so that it
may help others. You never know when a simple action can make a difference in
someone’s life. I know it does mine! Thank you for your support. <o:p></o:p></div>
Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-734501562425586332015-12-19T11:32:00.001-06:002015-12-21T08:22:25.627-06:00Writing and erasing<div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrWQ5bViYZ5DhjAifDWnF0BsEPlRmjnC755AnFOQzbFXsPtZpxeSKn5Zb-weuvsgd5gDOIlZrUKglRixNmprdY9aFn2EjAZNXaVu2017LquLMSg8v5rujw284wmsJfNE6KNHGFWdNPR08/s640/blogger-image--1228158020.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrWQ5bViYZ5DhjAifDWnF0BsEPlRmjnC755AnFOQzbFXsPtZpxeSKn5Zb-weuvsgd5gDOIlZrUKglRixNmprdY9aFn2EjAZNXaVu2017LquLMSg8v5rujw284wmsJfNE6KNHGFWdNPR08/s640/blogger-image--1228158020.jpg" /></a></div>
Writing and erasing...more writing and more erasing what I wrote. That seems to be the story of my life..wanting to go back and forth to change the past..my past. I can't change what I've been through in the past 10+ years, but I can share it with the world in hopes that it will help someone speak up and reach out to those who love them.</div>
<div>
They say the pre-teen/ teenage years are tough..your body starts to grow and change and your hormones go up and down, you start high school where having big or small boobs suddenly matters, friendships end and begin, you start trying to figure out your feelings and who you're meant to be and what you're meant to contribute to the world.</div>
<div>
What they don't tell you about the pre-teen/ teenage years is that suicide becomes the second leading cause of death. According to The Jason Foundation, more teenagers and young adults die from suicide than from cancer, heart disease, AIDS, birth defects, stroke, pneumonia, influenza, and chronic lung disease, COMBINED.</div>
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What they don't tell you about the pre-teen/teenage years is that sometimes you fall victim to a devious depression who tells you that your worth is equivalent to the scum on the bottom of your shoe. </div>
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What they don't tell you about the pre-teen/teenage years is that sometimes you find yourself in the school bathroom, razor in hand, and blood swiftly running down your arm as you attempt to gain relief from the demon in your head telling you that you don't matter to anyone. You're wearing long sleeves but the shit hits the fan when the blood starts to seep through your gray school shirt. </div>
<div>
"Oh, that? It's just marker residue from art class..I'm such a klutz!"</div>
<div>
What they don't tell you about the pre-teen/teenage years is that sometimes Google isn't just for researching school projects. Sometimes its used to desperately search for "painless suicide methods", "how to successfully kill yourself", "why to stay alive", etc. You breathe a sigh of relief that there are hundreds of posts from others who seem to be in your shoes, wanting to end their pain like you.</div>
<div>
What they don't tell you about the pre-teen/teenage years is that sometimes you get on the school bus at the end of the day hoping its the last time. You're going to go home and try to take your life with a method you researched on Google..and it better work because you're tired of living a lie.</div>
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What they don't tell you about the pre-teen/teenage years is that sometimes you need to go back to school wearing a turtleneck only because that damn rope left you with burns and nothing else but a weary beating heart and a dizzier head than before.</div>
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What they don't tell you about the pre-teen/teenage years is that sometimes methods work and kids die before they're able to drive a car, fall in love, go to college, or even go to that family party they seemed so excited about.</div>
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What they don't tell you about the pre-teen/teenage years is that sometimes these signs aren't clear. Even though many sufferers show signs, some do not until it's way too late.</div>
<div>
The first time I thought about taking my life I was 13 years old and getting ready to graduate into high school. The last time I thought about taking my life was last week.</div>
<div>
What they don't tell you about the pre-teen/teenage years is that sometimes suicidal thoughts don't end at the pre-teen/teenage years.</div>
<div>
What I am telling you right now is that suicide is preventable. It's not always as clear as falling grades, increased/decreased sleeping/appetite, or any of the signs something may be desperately wrong. Sometimes it's a smiling face, sunny disposition, good grades in school, and what looks like a bright future ahead. To them, it's bleak and unimaginable to take another step through a world that has brought nothing but struggles and tears. </div>
<div>
Depression is a brain disorder. If you've lost someone to suicide, you need to remember that what plucked them so suddenly from your life forever was most likely a chemical imbalance in their brain. Depression is just like cancer--it can go into remission with proper treatment or it can take your life. If someone told you they had cancer, would you dismiss them and tell them to "get over it"? Would you laugh and tell them so many others have it worse than them? I hope and pray that you wouldn't, so why say those things about an illness that mirrors cancer in so many ways? No one chooses depression, just like no one chooses cancer. But why shower one disease with rallies, support, gifts, fundraisers, etc. and turn your head to the other? </div>
<div>
This is called stigma and if you fit the bill for turning your back on something as severe as depression, you are part of the problem. You are part of the reasons why some people don't reach out and ask for help. What our job as people is to help, not hurt. Your words can cut like a knife or help to heal a broken brain. Which would you choose if it were your child or loved one?</div>
<div>
Together, we can help stop the stigma. You can help stop the stigma right now. </div>
<div>
Share this blog with someone new today. Ask a loved one how they're feeling and really listen. Make it clear to them that they can tell you if anything is wrong and you won't turn your back on them or judge them. Remember, a smiling face does not equal a happy heart. Take the pledge today to be willing to help and remember that SPEAKING UP does save lives!!</div>
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This entire post was written by a young lady named Melissa Ann. We connected on Facebook and I asked her to share her story. She had such an impact on my life after just a few short conversations. She took time out of her day to make memory pages of Sara for me. She is talented with photos. She listened and reached out. She struggles and fights every day with her own battles. She is brave in sharing her struggles. We are blessed to have her in the fight for breaking the silence. Speak up!!!! Know that you are not alone. Special thanks to one beautiful young lady -Melissa you inspire me and thank you for being raw and transparent in your words. Much love lady and to making a difference in the world. Also there is a donation link if anyone is interested in memory or honor of Sara. All proceeds will go towards suicide prevention and things in her honor. In lieu of Christmas presents, we have started a scholarship that we hope to roll out next year, all you have to do is donate through the blog or the paypal link. Thank you for ur support. </div>
Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-48147530135218247382015-12-15T05:00:00.000-06:002015-12-15T17:31:10.460-06:00Apocalypse <div class="MsoNormal">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJLpIjP6D3348mdCOCSAYNIHEPL1yjeiOr35ynMDKfQIi9Py5gSl7legWpHB7rphAu5YDHu4ipfY8twd1zVkFC5-Z8WS7__0stPKro9rBuYMlohf5Qw1Dhpzhp_qEJKnxC30ppv8sdMYU/s1600/baking.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJLpIjP6D3348mdCOCSAYNIHEPL1yjeiOr35ynMDKfQIi9Py5gSl7legWpHB7rphAu5YDHu4ipfY8twd1zVkFC5-Z8WS7__0stPKro9rBuYMlohf5Qw1Dhpzhp_qEJKnxC30ppv8sdMYU/s1600/baking.PNG" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Holidays
are coming and I am trying to prepare myself for what feels like the
apocalypse. I feel like I should be stocking up on food and weapons for the war
inside my head but I struggle to when I can’t find the strength. It’s this pending doom that is thrown in your
face. You stand up and something kicks you to the ground. You go to protect
yourself but your usual tools are defenseless in this battle of grief. Christmas was our favorite time of year…the
one time of year everything was about our want to make others happy and our
excitement for truly spending time making other people smile but most of all
our traditions and our time together. 15
years of the same things tweaked and perfected. Holidays were something that we
would look forward to and planned out months in advance now seem like to the
most horrible and traumatizing experience one could face after the loss of a
child/loved one. While everybody wants to be happy and cheerful and do good
things for others while grieving parents are left feeling lost, broken, envious, jealous,
angry, frustrated, and filled with more emotions than one can really handle. For
the last 15 years that Sara was alive, we have built traditions upon
traditions. My earliest memory is of her and I during the holidays. More than
half my life, I was a mom. Now at the young age of 34, I no longer was a mom. I feel as though someone has taken that from
me. Now I am faced with holidays and first….but how can this be how can my
beautiful smart daughter be gone…..Some of our holiday traditions would be to
go to the Oak Park mall and pick out ornaments with our names on them…one for
her, one for me and one for us it usually turned out that there would be five
or six in our cart before we left the mall but we didn't care we loved
Christmas ornaments and we love spending time together. We loved personalizing
the tree with things that we liked. Another tradition lost is that every year
we would make hundreds of chocolate covered pretzels, tons of pumpkin fudge and
hundreds of cookies to deliver to everyone we knew. We would even ship yummies
to people. While we were baking, I was
Mrs. Clause, costume and all. She was
Elf 1 and my very dear friend was Elf 2. We have hats and aprons to match. There
hasn't been one Christmas Eve that I've spent without her. There hasn't been one Christmas morning that
I haven't seen or experienced with her. She was my other half…my mini me…she
was everything; she was my world, as I grew up as an adult she grew with me. She
made me a better mom and a better person. Christmas Eve- we would have Grandma’s
special recipe hot cocoa and open up a few presents that were always new pajamas. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">This year there will be no pajamas under a
tree. This year there will be no tree full of ornaments that we picked out
together.I just cant find the energy to do any of it. This year every tradition
is broken and tainted with regrets and what ifs. Memories are replaced by
flashbacks. Sara had a huge heart and
wanted to make other smiles with treats. We would do everything we could to
give back to others. One year we even
dressed up as Mrs. Claus and an elf at Wal-Mart as bell ringers, we raised over
$250 in 2 hours. We just wanted to make an impact on people’s lives. She was
always baking and cooking. We were
always trying to do for others and help people see that there was good in the
world. I am struggling to hold on to
that good in the world. When I tell people I'm not doing holidays the look at
me shocked or decide to tell me 10 reasons why they think I should do them. I
try to explain that the world is not as bright right now for me anymore. That
this world has lost someone so great it's doesn't see the full impact of the
loss yet. Usually I get asked how did she pass, I do not feel ashamed to share
my story and she is worth every bit of effort I have left and I often say I am
not doing holidays this year which prompts people to ask why. I explain that I
lost my daughter this year and I’m just not feeling it. Then the “oh I'm sorry.
Was it cancer?” At first I would
struggle with this question as it creates an uneasy feeling when I say nope, I
wish. And then say no she died by suicide. It’s then that I could see the
stigma associated with suicide cross there face. So now when someone asks me
how…I say she lost the most courageous fight against her brain. She lost the
battle in July because she didn't tell anyone. She fought in silence and
finally succumbed to her illness. She died by a self-inflicted wound. She died
by suicide. As I'm telling them this, I see their eyes change. It's at this
point that usually they want to share a story of their struggles or someone
they love lost to this epidemic called suicide. It’s a small win when I can see
a bond made between two people sharing a heartfelt moment and bringing light to
suicide. While I will never agree with
her choice and I don't agree with her remaining silent. I also don't agree with
somebody pre-judging the situation or the little girl they may not understand.
So I will be happy to educate them. So as you are preparing for your holidays,
remember that it’s about the moments and memories, not the gifts and the greed. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Remember that there are people out there with holes in their heart and
nightmares in their minds. Remember that you can make a difference if you
choose to, doing nothing just hurts and makes us feel more alone and rejected. Don’t ask us what we need as we cant tell
you. What we need is gone. Maybe ask us what we could use or just do something? It could be really simple or really hard but you will never know unless you try. Trust me Words and
actions matter. What difference will you make this year for someone else? Ask
yourself what can you do to help the loved one who is hurting…What does someone
else need that you could do to help through this rough time…send them a card
with a favorite memory of the loved one who was lost (we won’t get any more
memories of our loved ones and our memory right now isn’t working, write them
down for us so we can read them later), send them a text or a picture, send
them something that reminds you of the loved one, say there loved one’s name (we
feel like they will be forgotten), prepare them a meal (cooking while your
heart is broken is hard, help them out), send them a small token to show them
that you are there, make a donation in their name or honor. Just don’t do
nothing. Nothing hurts and depression lies to us. It lies to me every day. It
tells me that I failed as a mom. It tells me that no one loves me. It tells me
horrible things that I know are not true. I have to fight those little lies
which I am not equipped for most days. Little tokens help those who like me struggle.
Even if they push you away, that small token means a lot and when they are in a
good moment they will go back to that. It will make them smile. Maybe send a grief
</span><span style="color: #141823; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif";">Survival
Kit. I came across and thought it was a
nice token. It included items with little tags attached to each thing. These are
just ideas you can do more or less. I read about this lady doing this for
someone else and leaving it on their front porch. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 13.15pt; margin-bottom: 4.5pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 4.5pt;">
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt;">A bag of Lifesavers- "To
keep you from drowning"<br />
A bag of gold coin candy- "You're worth more than gold"<br />
a bag of cotton balls- "To soften the road ahead'<br />
<span class="textexposedshow">A package of erasers- "to fix all the small
mistakes"</span><br />
<span class="textexposedshow">Package of ear plugs- "to block out the things
you don't want to hear"</span><br />
<span class="textexposedshow">Bag of rubber bands- "to stretch beyond your
limits"</span><br />
<span class="textexposedshow">Giant paperclip- "to help you hold things
together"</span><br />
<span class="textexposedshow">Bandaids- "to cover what hurts"</span><br />
<span class="textexposedshow">box of Kleenex- "to wipe away the tears</span><br />
</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt;">A book by Gary Roe called Surviving the Holidays Without
You (any book really would help) <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Gas card-“to get from
one moment to the next”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Food Card-“to feed what’s
been neglected”</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif";">The reality
is that grief takes different forms on different days. Some days the anger
takes over and all I can think about is the anger within my heart. It burns all
the time. Other days, the pain of losing her takes over. It's a constant battle
of stages of grief, just when you think that you are holding steady, a freaking
wave of emotions sets you off. Even when you have a really good support system,
you can find yourself struggling to stay afloat. So reach out during this
holiday hell to someone. This is the time when it hurts the most and the lack of new
memories attacks your soul. Someone one said to me recently that a mother who
has lost a child is the meaning of true strength. Just because I am not
standing doesn’t not mean I have fallen. I am crawling through hell right now trying to find the light. Extend the hand to someone who is also struggling. Extend a hug...just do something rather than nothing at all. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Don't forget to share my blog as it's the easiest thing to do. You never know how my story could help someone else. </span><br />
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<a href="https://www.gofundme.com/celebratesara" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: white; color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 14.6182px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">https://www.gofundme.com/celebratesara</a></div>
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Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-66196603116583651362015-12-02T17:00:00.000-06:002015-12-08T12:40:51.595-06:004 Months-Scroll to the bottom and cast your vote <div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Nov 30<sup>th</sup>-
marks 4 months. 4 months of hell since my baby girl ended her life. 4 months of
therapy. 4 months of PTSD. 4 months of fighting to stay present. 4 months of
the worst nightmare imaginable. 4 months of Panic attacks. 4 months of shakes.
4 months of total devastation for my family. 4 months of blame, guilt and what
if demons attacking what's left. 4 months of wanting to crawl in a hole and
stay there. 4 months of feeling alone. 4 months....but not one of those moments
goes by without Sara in the front of my mind. She is my first thought, my every
thought, my last thought, my hopes my dreams have been shattered by her choice.
Now I'm faced with nightmares, regrets and what ifs but I choose to fight every
day to make a difference. 4 months in what feels like an eternity already. I
still have fight left in me. I hope you enjoy my video today to show support
for Breaking the silence against mental illness and breaking the stigma. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eK7x1OweQ-g&sns=fb">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eK7x1OweQ-g&sns=fb</a><span style="color: #222222;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Friends and family, strangers who want to make a difference...<br />How else are we going to change the world...By talking about suicide...<br />We are selling shirts for suicide awareness. The funds raised/donated will be used for in honor of Sara to raise awareness and break the silence. We are trying to break the stigma that surrounds mental illness.<br /><b><i><span style="font-size: large;"><br />Shirts are $25 adult small to adult 3X which includes shipping. $20 if you want to schedule a pick up. Bands are 2 for $5</span></i></b><br /><br />Please email me at prinalle2@gmail.com to order with the size ans shipping address.<span style="line-height: 17.5636px;"><br /></span><br />Shirts/Bands must be paid for in advance via check or paypal. You can also make a flat donation as well. </span><a href="http://www.paypal.me/alliedoss" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">www.paypal.me/alliedoss</a> to make payment or donation. </div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Many many hours of tears went into making this shirt special in her honor. We used Sara’s original drawings and favorite color purple. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Thank you again for all your support through this very tough time in their lives.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Sara would love that this is helping others and love that it made a difference in the world!!! Just like she did all of ours.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">SPEAK UP!!!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Suicide Prevention Education Awareness for Kids </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">United in Partners!!!!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="background: white; color: #141823; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 115%;">It's time to<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><a data-ft="{"tn":"*N","type":104}" href="https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/celebratesara?source=feed_text&story_id=1671005919824633" style="cursor: pointer; text-align: start;"><span class="58cl"><span style="background: white; color: #627aad; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 115%; text-decoration: none;"><span aria-label="hashtag">#</span></span></span><span class="58cm"><span style="background: white; color: #3b5998; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 115%; text-decoration: none;">CelebrateSara</span></span></a><span style="background: white; color: #141823; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 115%;"><span style="text-align: start;">! As you
all know, my daughter LOVED the Tennessee Aquarium and visiting the Penguins
when she was in Chattanooga. The last day her Aunt and her spent together was
at the aquarium, and she even put her occupation as "Loved penguins at the
Tennessee Aquarium" on her FB page! Her nickname from her friends was
"Bob" and it is time for us to get this baby girl named in her
honor!! You can vote daily for each email address at the link below! VOTE
BOBBER!!! LETS GET THIS PENGUIN NAMED FOR SARA!!!!</span> Select the link below
and go to penguin number 4 and then vote daily for BOBBER!!!!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://www.gofundme.com/celebratesara">https://www.gofundme.com/celebratesara</a></div>
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Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-33210415279768225632015-11-24T22:01:00.001-06:002015-11-24T22:04:09.550-06:00Faces<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;">Putting a face to such a tragic event I feel makes it more personal..makes it real for people. Sometimes unless the tragedy happens in your own life, you find yourself feeling sad but removed. What I have learned through my own conversations with outsiders is that some people still think that suicide only happens to certain groups of people. The picture of the child above did not fit societies mold of someone who struggled with suicidal thoughts however we are learning more and more that there is no one who is exempt from this. Warning signs are a guide but don't wait to see signs before you ask those questions. So as you read this post about my beautiful, forever 16 year old daughter, I ask you to also think of how you can make a difference from talking to someone about suicide, talking about mental health, or sharing our story which could help someone else. I pray every day that no one else has to face this horror that so many of us face already. This post is all about things that she loved. I want people to see that Sara was an amazing young lady who had the world in her hands. She was loved and adored by many. Her legacy will be to help others find the courage to speak up and the hope to hold steady. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">More things she loved...</span><br />
<span style="color: rgb(69 , 69 , 69); font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody"; font-size: large; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">She loved air hockey. She would always stick her tongue out as she played. </span><span style="color: #454545; font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody"; font-size: large;">She loved DQ brownies but not the ice cream part. </span><span style="color: #454545; font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody"; font-size: large;">She loved DQ chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. </span><span style="color: #454545; font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody"; font-size: large;">She loved to throw darts. She was very good. </span><span style="color: #454545; font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody"; font-size: large;">She love chips with salt. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">She loved mango chicken from the mall. </span><span style="font-size: large;">She loved making monkey bread with nanny. </span><span style="font-size: large;">She loved cross words and she was really good at them. </span><span style="font-size: large;">She loved nacho cheese and chips from Taco Bell. She could eat 2 of them. </span><span style="font-size: large;">She loved Hersey's kisses. </span><span style="font-size: large;">She loved the claw games and would get tons of animals. </span><span style="font-size: large;">She love Anime; Hunter X Hunter and fairytail. </span><span style="font-size: large;">She loved RWBY. </span><span style="font-size: large;">She loved idol amimes like Aikatsu. </span><span style="font-size: large;">She loved to play the game spoons. She loved to tell me "</span><span style="font-size: large;">Mom it's chill" </span><span style="font-size: large;">She loved to tease her friends endlessly.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">She loved webkinz when she was little. We had at least 50 of them. </span><span style="font-size: large;">She loved to play the DS. She has 3 of them and tons of games. </span><span style="font-size: large;">She loved the DS game Fire Emblem. </span><span style="font-size: large;">She loved books like the Percy Jackson Series, Hunger games, and anything that was a series. James Patterson was a favorite author. </span><span style="font-size: large;">She loved nut crackers at Xmas time and penguins were her favorite of all time. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #454545; font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody";">She loved lots of board games such as Apples to Apples, Life, Clue and rummy-cube. </span></span><span style="color: #454545; font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody"; font-size: large;">She loved PANCAKES. She thought Pancake day should be a national holiday. </span><span style="color: #454545; font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody"; font-size: large;">She loved cinnamon crunch bagels from Panera. </span><span style="color: #454545; font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody"; font-size: large;">She liked turning the candles on and off with the remote. She was also a piro when it came to the fire pit. She loved playing with it. </span><span style="color: #454545; font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody"; font-size: large;">She loved Mr. Potato head when she was little. </span><span style="color: #454545; font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody"; font-size: large;">She loved sock monkeys. </span><span style="color: #454545; font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody"; font-size: large;">She loved the classic Xmas movies like frosty the snowman. </span><span style="color: #454545; font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody"; font-size: large;">She loved butter. </span><span style="color: #454545; font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody"; font-size: large;">She loved cinnamon bread. </span><span style="color: #454545; font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody"; font-size: large;">She loved post it notes. </span><span style="color: #454545; font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody"; font-size: large;">She loved mashed potatoes. She loved magic tree house books when she was a child. She started reading her first books at the age of 3. Sara was a bright child who had the world in her hands but she struggled with anxiety and being perfect. She didn't want to be a burden to those around her by speaking up. If she only knew how much her life kept those around her going. She was our everything. Living without her isn't living most days but I am holding steady. I am holding on to hope to help others. I am set on her legacy not being defined by one moment in her short life but by the people who are impacted by her story. As her mother, I will not give up on trying to help others find there fight. Yes there are days where I feel dead inside but I have reached out to friends and family for help. To help me keep the human connection. The wounds I carry are so deep and raw right now that I am still needing lifted and helped. The first year after losing someone you love is so important to keep the human connection. I am finding my way. Thank you for reading and sharing my story. Thank you for taking a step in breaking the silence and helping remove the stigma from mental illness. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #454545; font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody"; font-size: x-large;">SPEAK UP!!!!! </span></div>
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<span style="color: #454545; font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody"; font-size: x-large;">Suicide Prevention Education Awareness for Kids</span></div>
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<span style="color: #454545; font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody"; font-size: x-large;">United as Parents!!!!!!!</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody"; font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: start;">There is no immunity to suicide but there is information that offers protection when suicide is seen as an option SO get comfortable knowing your family's mental health and where to get help if or when they need it!</span></span></div>
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Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-33480508586702677352015-11-16T21:14:00.002-06:002015-11-16T21:14:24.383-06:00More than one<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Since Sara died I've experienced so many symptoms of PTSD. Who would know what PTSD is and how it effects those around you, not me. I thought this was something that only soldiers can get and well I am no soldier. I was a mom, a daughter, a wife, a friend, a sister, a happy life which was all shattered that evening of July 30th. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Lato, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;">Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Lato, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;">can be terrifying. They may disrupt your life and make it hard to continue with your daily activities. It may be hard just to get through the day. I suffer from almost all the symptoms of PTSD. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So much trauma has gone on in my 5'5 120 pound body. Things that I was unaware that I was doing until somebody pointed them out. I would shake uncontrollably. I would have these nervous ticks where I would pick at my nails or I would flick my wrist with my ponytail holder. Most of the time I was unaware that I was doing it but it allowed me to find some sort of grounding in the world where I struggled to find it. I felt numb. Beyond the flashbacks crippling me, I think the worst was the uncontrollable shaking that occurred I couldn't keep my hands still if you asked me to. The burning sensation that took over my chest and my stomach was crippling and I couldn't eat. There were days that I would go without food because I couldn't handle how the food felt in my stomach. Finding help was hard...finding the right person to talk to...finding the right treatment...I'm not sure where I would be if I didn't have an army behind me supporting and pushing me along the way. It's nothing short of a miracle that I am here today fighting for every step and every moment on this earth without her Over the last few months my faith has been challenged. Every essence of who I am has been pushed far beyond anything I've ever experienced. I feel like I have been to hell and back but yet this journey is far worse than I've ever known.This journey is one that I'm not equipped to handle. This journey no mother, father, friend grandparent, aunt, uncle should have to deal with this way...this journey no one should have to walk in. The day Sara died, more than one life was lost that day...my life which ultimately impacts everybody who knows me and everybody who knew her. It's not without every ounce and every essence of who I am that I'm able to stand here today fighting in her honor. It's with the help of a fantastic therapist and a amazing support group that I have been blessed to be a part of that I am still here holding on. My own therapy is what you are reading here and now. While I will tell you how much I love my family and how supportive they are the truth of the matter is that they walk the same shoes that I walk in and their weight is far too much for me to bear. I am where I am right now today because I made a choice to find help. I made a choice to ask people who came before me what they did in order to survive. I needed to know the secret path in this hell. That is where I learned about EMDR therapy and where I learned that there are no rules in grief. No one can judge me but God himself and to be honest God is not my favorite person right now. Therapy has been good and bad for me. Therapy allows me to face my flashbacks under supervision but it also forces me to face those same demons over and over again to the point of total exhaustion. Some days that therapy takes everything I am leaving pieces behind. I know that it's beneficial and I've seen the changes that it has taken just in a few short weeks but facing those demons over and over without relief. I used to have these buttons that were more intense and they were debilitating when I heard sirens or water, I froze, my heart started razing, and the total melt down would commence. It would ruin the rest of my day. I wouldn't be able to do anything else but cry. It was like seeing the scene all over again. There was no stopping it. It was like a Tsunami coming down on my head. Those buttons would trigger a catastrophic emotional devastation all over again leaving me ill-equipped and ill prepared to even open my eyes. It presents a problem when hear sirens or water. You become frozen in fear, frozen incapable of doing anything, incapable of pushing on the brake pedal, incapable anything. After months of EMDR, my reactions are must less than they were. I still get anxious when I hear sirens but thanks to my treatment it is less reaction. I didn't say no reaction just less. I am able to manage it. I have learned additional coping skills and mechanisms that will allow me to self calm without self medicating but there are times that self-medication has to take place. I have no other choice...grief wins...PTSD wins...trauma wins. I lose the will and the ability to overcome and it's in those moments where family and friends help because I reach out and allow them to help me. I'm not afraid or ashamed to reach out for help and put all my struggles out there. I know people don't want to hear about other people's drama because everybody's facing their own but I assure you it can always be worse, even I know that. People always tell me that they can't imagine what I'm going through and I don't want them to but I don't downplay anybody's hell, my hell is my hell, you're hell is your hell, everybody has their own version. Everybody is forced to face things that they feel ill equipped for. I never thought I would face this and I never thought I would need to be ill-equipped to battle some of the biggest demons I've ever handled but I'm trying and I'm fighting every day. I fight for her and I fight for me. I speak out and want to break the silence. I want to be a part of the solution not the problem. While I may not be everyone's favorite guest speaker, neither was Martin Luther King. Do you think that he stopped after the first white person disagreed with his vision. No he didn't. He continued to fight for the things that he believed in and made changes in the world for the better. He stood against and fought in a time where not many changes happened easy or without issues but he never backed down. As I live and breathe, I will continue to fight so that no human decides that suicide is only choice. I have a dream where we are not judge by the things in our brain but lifted up and carried when the weight becomes to much to bear. So I continue to challenge you to SPEAK. Break the Silence which will help Break the Stigma. You can do this. Just start the conversation. </span><br />
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<i><b><span style="color: purple; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">SPEAK!!!!!!!!!</span></b></i></div>
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<i><b><span style="color: purple; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Suicide Prevention Education Awareness for Kids</span></b></i></div>
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<a href="http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/understanding-posttraumatic-stress-disorder-symptoms" style="color: #1295cc;">PTSD symptoms</a> usually start soon after the traumatic event, but they may not happen until months or years later. They also may come and go over many years. </div>
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There are four types of symptoms:</div>
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Reliving the event</h3>
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Bad memories of the traumatic event can come back at any time. You may feel the same fear and horror you did when the event took place. You may feel like you're going through the event again. This is called a flashback. Sometimes there is a trigger: a sound or sight that causes you to relive the event. Triggers might include:</div>
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<li style="background: transparent; line-height: 24px; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Hearing a car backfire</li>
<li style="background: transparent; line-height: 24px; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Seeing a car accident,</li>
<li style="background: transparent; line-height: 24px; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Seeing a news report of a sexual assault</li>
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Avoiding situations that remind you of the event</h3>
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You may try to avoid situations or people that trigger memories of the traumatic event. You may even avoid talking or thinking about the event.</div>
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<li style="background: transparent; line-height: 24px; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">A person who was in an earthquake may avoid watching television shows or movies in which there are earthquakes.</li>
<li style="background: transparent; line-height: 24px; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">A person who was robbed at gunpoint while ordering at a hamburger drive-in may avoid fast-food restaurants.</li>
<li style="background: transparent; line-height: 24px; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Some people may keep very busy or avoid seeking help. This keeps them from having to think or talk about the event.</li>
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You may find it hard to express your feelings. This is another way to avoid memories.</div>
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<li style="background: transparent; line-height: 24px; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">You may not have positive or loving feelings toward other people and may stay away from relationships.</li>
<li style="background: transparent; line-height: 24px; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">You may not be interested in activities that you enjoyed in the past.</li>
<li style="background: transparent; line-height: 24px; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">You may forget about parts of the traumatic event or not be able to talk about them.</li>
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Feeling keyed up</h3>
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You may be alert and on the lookout for danger. This is known as increased emotional arousal. It can cause you to:</div>
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<li style="background: transparent; line-height: 24px; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Suddenly become angry or irritable.</li>
<li style="background: transparent; line-height: 24px; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Have a hard time sleeping.</li>
<li style="background: transparent; line-height: 24px; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Have trouble concentrating.</li>
<li style="background: transparent; line-height: 24px; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Fear for your safety and always feel on guard.</li>
<li style="background: transparent; line-height: 24px; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Be very startled when someone surprises you.</li>
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Other symptoms</h3>
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Other symptoms also may include:</div>
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<li style="background: transparent; line-height: 24px; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Physical symptoms for no reason you can think of (called somatic complaints).</li>
<li style="background: transparent; line-height: 24px; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Feelings of shame, despair, or hopelessness.</li>
<li style="background: transparent; line-height: 24px; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Difficulty controlling your emotions.</li>
<li style="background: transparent; line-height: 24px; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Problems with family or friends.</li>
<li style="background: transparent; line-height: 24px; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Impulsive or self-destructive behavior.</li>
<li style="background: transparent; line-height: 24px; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Changed beliefs or changed personality traits.</li>
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<a href="http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/tc/post-traumatic-stress-disorder--symptoms">http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/tc/post-traumatic-stress-disorder--symptoms</a></div>
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<br />Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-46007911062309240512015-11-10T18:30:00.003-06:002015-11-10T18:39:05.675-06:00I felt her<br />
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Sunday night 11/8/2015, I dreamt of her. This was the dream that I was waiting for. I just wanted to see her face again and not in a picture. I was in my dream her dad was coming to pick something up of hers from the house or give me something I can't remember which one but he was upset about it being wet. The stuffed animal of some sort was wet. I don't know how or why. As I turned around she was there...she looked beautiful!!!! She looked like nothing was wrong, not like the last time I saw her face. Not like my nightmares before. I noticed she was a little taller. I believe she was in jeans and a yellow shirt. She gave me the biggest hug and in my ear she said I love you mom! I heard it clear as I am breathing right now. She said I miss you and I'm sorry. I didn't yell at her. I didn't even want to. I just hugged her...it felt like the best hug. It felt real. I remember her saying something about the score 3 and that she should've been ok with her 3. What many may not know is that Sara received a test score before she passed and it was not the score she wanted. She didn't tell any of us that we had to find that out through digging and searching after her death. In the dream she went and sat in a chair in the living room with her phone and I remember trying to take a picture saying that no one will believe me that you are here and she looked at me and said "mom you can't take a picture here." I said out loud "no one will believe me that you are here I need to take a picture" she looked up and she smiled and she had the most gorgeous smile in the world. Oh how I longed for that smile again. I woke up feeling like this had all been a bad dream and that she was going to be in her bed. That my nightmare that I was living was about to be over...yet that was not the case. For a moment, I felt safe again. For a moment, I felt like this was all a big lie...and then the reality demons hit me...so I tried desperately to go back to sleep. All I wanted was to see her face. To see her again. To be with her. Sleep I kept telling myself sleep damn it. I begged the air to allow me to sleep again. I begged her to wait just a little longer for me to meet her in my dream again. I asked her not to go...to no luck I was not able to get back to sleep and I spent the day with a very heavy heart...I will continue to believe that it was her in the dream and she came to me to help me find something. She gave me the courage to keep going. However this next dream was one that I am still analyzing as I sit here...<br />
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Monday night, I was excited to go to sleep in hopes that Sara would come back and talk to me so that maybe I could get some more answers from her. Maybe then I could understand why and how I failed her but understanding doesn't bring her back. Nor does taking the blame for her actions. Acceptance isn't something that I can offer her. There will never be a time that I will be okay with losing my daughter. Never will there be a time that my heart beating longer that hers will ever be okay...never...never...never...as I laid down to bed I tried to clear my mind and be open to whatever came to me...I surprised to wake up to another dream with someone I loved being in it...someone who was also an angel...however this dream had my grandmother in it. Not a big deal except this grandma died when I was 16 years old and never not once have I dreamt of her until now. Last night Grandma Williams came to me but it wasn't like she was talking to me like Sara did. Sara hugged me and told me that she loved me. This was clearly something else and it means something. I'm not sure what. In the dream I was in her old house off of 24 HWY in MO. In the dream, I needed to take a shower for some reason. After Sara died, showers were a button for me. Hearing water would send me into a full on panic attack rendering me useless for the next 12 hours. However in the dream, water was no issue for me. Someone kept telling me to hurry that grandma didn't have much time but in my mind I needed to finish this shower. Grandma was going to help me understand something. Turns out that she was trying to help me understand irrational numbers or irrational fears. I'm not really clear on the message of this dream. In the middle of her talking to me in her bedroom of her house, I hopped up and went to get my cell phone out of the shower. It was wrapped in the shower curtain. In the bathroom there was two showers one being like the old claw tubs.This did not look like any bathroom I have ever seen. I remember in the dream stepping out of one tub into the other but no clue why. It was like each tub had a separate purpose. I remember that grandma was going to tutor me in math with something irrational. She looked amazing as the last day I saw her alive. Never since her death in 1998 has she come to me. I have no idea what this dream means or why my grandma is coming to me after all this time. I can only guess its because they can see the horror I face every day and are trying to help keep me grounded to this place.<br />
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I have never dealt with loss of this magnitude so I am not prepared to understand what I can not see or feel. However I can only hope that tonight I will have another dream to help bridge some of the gaps that I have with things. I feel like I will spend forever in the dark fighting to see the light.<br />
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Thank you for reading my story...for sharing my story and for supporting me in my fight to make a difference in the world in Sara's honor. It was overwhelming see how many hits my blog has gotten. I can only hope and pray that my tragedy is turning people upside down and inside out when it comes to talking about brain health. If talking about this makes you uncomfortable, then keep trying. Keep talking until it becomes easier for you and those around you. You never know when someone is in the fight of there life.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">SPEAK!!!!!!!!!!!</span></div>
Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-81766985668884836322015-11-09T22:56:00.001-06:002015-12-15T17:45:30.415-06:00Needs <div style="background-color: white; color: #4f4f4f; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">
<span style="color: red;">Below is part of an article along with my own personal blogging. I have felt each one of these or done each one of these over the last 3 months. I made comments in red after each section below. I will ask you to take the first step in helping cure mental illness stigma...share this post. It's not a fluffy cat picture or a happy baby picture, its a mother trying to save the lives of people all around the world. It starts with you and me. While I am not asking you to blast your own personal story I am challenging you to share mine. Ask yourself...could this simple action save someone? Maybe someone you love? Remember I was you thinking that it wouldn't happen to us...not the all american family with the brilliant child with her whole life in her hands....Have those hard conversations with someone you love or someone that seems to be struggling or maybe just have a conversation with someone. Remember that even the people who smile have their demons. Look at the picture of me...does it look like I have lost everything...do I look like I am mentally ill...do I look like I suffer every moment of every day with demons...does it look like I battle PTSD...does it? No I look happy but I assure you that is far from reality. I struggle and I am not afraid to share good days and bad days. I promise you that while this picture shows a smile, my heart was breaking at the lose of my daughter...the one I couldn't save...so I beg you...share my story...</span><br />
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The loss of a loved-one or special friend to suicide is sudden and devastating. Some professionals refer to the healing journey in this situation as complicated <a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/grief.html" style="color: #006db3; text-decoration: none;">grief</a>. Through the efforts of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and many other local organizations, progress has been made to bring public awareness to the suffering of suicide survivors. </div>
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<b>1. Stigma and shame</b></div>
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Though many of us understand mental illness and the dynamics of <a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/depress.html" style="color: #006db3; text-decoration: none;">depression</a>, suicide sigma is still very much a factor in grieving this type of loss. Social stigma comes from a variety of influences:</div>
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>Both ancient and (some) modern religious views;<br />
>The concept that it is not a "natural <a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/dying.html" style="color: #006db3; text-decoration: none;">death</a>;"<br />
>The concept for that suicide is a crime and it's location a crime scene;<br />
>The stigma already associated with mental illness;<br />
>The blame and judgment survivors feel from others; and<br />
>The guilt survivors feel about what they "should" have done differently.</div>
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The stigma and shame associated with suicide can manifest in a number of painful ways. Family members, police, funeral home personnel and other community members make subtle or overt judgment of survivors that ignores the reality of <a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/depress.html" style="color: #006db3; text-decoration: none;">depression</a>. Some <a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/family.html" style="color: #006db3; text-decoration: none;">family</a> members may deny that a suicide has taken place. There may be efforts to hide the fact that self-harm is involved. A survivor's religious beliefs can be comforting but can also play a negative role in the <a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/family.html" style="color: #006db3; text-decoration: none;">family</a> and community response. It is common for survivors to keep the secret of a family suicide for decades. I know survivors who attend group to process a parent's suicide 20 years before and describing various ways the family kept this information from them. Sometimes survivors find out by accident perhaps when an adult who was instrumental in keeping the secret passes away. Breaking the silence in a safe setting is a significant step. Whether this is in the group setting, individual therapy or with a safe friend, support can take the form of acknowledging the pressures a survivor feels to meet other's needs for silence and providing the safe place for them to voice their feelings of anger, sorrow and shame.</div>
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<span style="color: red;">I felt shamed by some people who were afraid to talk about suicide...about Sara. I have people who I have know for years who lied to their own families about how Sara died. As you can tell I am one for breaking the silence and sharing my story regardless of how it makes people feel. </span></div>
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<b>2. Regrets – If only I had done this, seen this . . .</b></div>
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In addition to the normal emotions of grieving, survivors feel shock, guilt and responsibility. The nature of a suicide loss is that it can sometimes but not always be prevented. Loved-ones who die this way sometimes keep secrets about how badly they were feeling and some never fully understood the <a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/depress.html" style="color: #006db3; text-decoration: none;">depression</a> they suffered. Sometimes loved-ones sought and received treatment but did not get relief (treatment-resistant depression). Despite this, survivors can become obsessed with all the ways they might have prevented this act.</div>
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"What if I had taken them to the hospital? What if I had listened more carefully? What if their doctor had changed their medication? What if they had taken their meds as prescribed. I should have been a better parent, spouse or friend."</div>
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Resolving this issue is one of the greatest challenges in the healing process. The truth many survivors eventually come to understand – is that there is generally no one key action or event that could have guaranteed a change of events. Logic and rationalization is not generally helpful here. Survivors move to this realization over time.</div>
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12px;">Oh Regrets are the worst...I have literally mind f@cked myself trying to figure out how I missed this. How I could not see all the signs. I know about suicide and depression. I lost my father to sucide in 1989. I know what to look for. Then I start to pick apart every thing I said and did over the last 16 years. I have been told it can take years and years to accept the realization. </span></span></span></span><br />
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<b>3. Detective obsession</b></div>
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Many survivors experience a transient "detective" obsession where they spend time gathering information; visiting the <a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/dying.html" style="color: #006db3; text-decoration: none;">death</a> scene; speaking those who had last contact with their loved-one; retracing the loved-one's steps; and generally seeking every detail surrounding the suicide. The idea is that if they gather enough information, it will all make sense. The typical scenario, however, is that there are always unanswered questions about the events of the days or weeks leading to the event. Finally, the question that can't be answered except in a personal--spiritual way is: Why did this happen to me? Telling a survivor to stop focusing on these facts or questions is not helpful. Gaining comfort with unanswered questions is part of the gradual healing journey. As long as the obsession does not overtake obligations to family, work or self care, it will shift over time.</div>
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12px;">Oh yeah totally guilty...I am still in this moment from tracking down the detective that night...to contacting my own personal detective...to collecting all the details...every last one that I could find...I would leave nothing to the imagination...after all nothing could be worse than the nightmare I face every time I close my eyes. </span></span></span></div>
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<b>4. Telling the story</b></div>
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A major healing component of the group process is that survivors have a chance to tell the "story" of what happened to their loved one and what they are going through. Because of their guilt and the social stigma survivors may have no other safe place to discuss this or fully debrief the event. Part of the story includes the events of the day they learned of their loved-one's <a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/dying.html" style="color: #006db3; text-decoration: none;">death</a> but the story evolves. Survivors report that as the whole story is told over time, it becomes less about the facts and details of the death as it is about the story of their loved-one and their own healing journey. This "telling" can initially be gory with details that others may not be comfortable with. It is not helpful to pry and ask a survivor to talk about this when they are not ready. It is helpful to be prepared when they are ready with gentle/nonjudging encouragement. The first "hearing" for a group facilitator may be during the pre-screening interview before a survivor joins a support group. This provides an opportunity for the screener to hear the story and provide support and guidance about the telling the story in the group. For facilitators or therapists, listening without judgment is essential to build participant trust.</div>
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12px;">This is also something that helps me is when I am allowed to talk about it or when someone asks me about my loss or even really cares how I am doing...Its healing for me to talk to people who knew Sara or who also have been where I am today. I find comfort in those who can give me guidance on this hell. </span></span></span></div>
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<b>5. Keeping control of feelings</b></div>
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Because the healing process is long with significant "downs" and hopefully, an increasing number and duration of "ups," it can be difficult to keep emotions in check as survivors go about their work or just their daily routine. Survivors describe the overwhelming feelings of deep sorrow that come upon them suddenly. It may be watching a mother and son interacting at the store, coming across information about <a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/marriage.html" style="color: #006db3; text-decoration: none;">marriage</a>, or during a training program at work. Survivors also express embarassment when this happens long after the death occured in anticipation of some judgment by others or their own feelings that they should be finished with these kind of tears by now. The fact is that these episodes will continue for most survivors for a very long time. It is important for survivors to feel supported that this is part of a healty and "normal" grieving/healing process and that it doesn't mean there is something wrong with them. Further, it is helpful for survivors to feel empowered to control some aspects of their surroundings to avoid constant reminders. This is more difficult early in the loss but gets easier over time. Friends and coworkers can provide support by listening to cues about whether the survivor "wants to talk" when this happens and when the survivor wants to "keep it together" and wait until a more private moment to let the tears flow. For survivors who don't normally show their emotions to others, this phenomenon can be especially troubling.</div>
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<span style="color: red;">Oh I call these buttons...they hit you without warning. There are times where you cant stop the feelings or the reactions. Mine happen to be shaking...I shake uncontrollably and I hate it. It cause me to become more upset when someone points it out. It's also apart of what I have now which is PTSD. I never knew what it really was until now. It feels like living in fear every moment of every day. The moment your phone rings when it shouldn't sends you into a panic full blown attack. </span></div>
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<b>6. "Odd" ways to sooth</b></div>
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Survivors sometimes develop means of comforting themselves that can seem odd to non-survivors. Examples: a mother whose son killed himself by firearm keeping the bullet on a chain around her neck; a brother might keep the weapon used in a suicide; or parents might keep blood-stained clothing. Sometimes families argue about whether to clean blood stains off the floor. Another question is whether to move from the house where the event occurred or to renovate or change the room where the death occurred. The idea of holding on to objects is a common general grief response but suicide is sudden and sometimes violent. Group facilitators and individual therapists must be prepared for these disclosures and to listen without judgment. Early on, survivors have difficulty separating their need to comfort themselves in these ways from how some people may react to the information. Providing <a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/positive_affirmation.html" style="color: #006db3; text-decoration: none;">affirmation</a> of their right to choose the way to sooth themselves is helpful.</div>
<span style="color: red;">I have run into this issue as well but thankfully I have a husband who understands that trying to push me to do something that I am not ready for will only hurt this process and me more. So when I am ready we will address any of these things that I may have kept or not kept but that is only my choice...no one else's. No one will tell me what I can and can't do when it comes to things. Showing me love and understanding is what I need. Showing me that you really love me unconditionally so when I mess up...I get a free pass because my loss is so great normal reactions are not for the griever. </span><br />
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<b>7. Filling the void</b></div>
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Filling the empty space, particularly for a parent survivor, can result a powerful need to remove the pain. Deep sorrow about the fact that loved-ones are gone with no more chances for amends or reconciliation is very difficult to move through. There are adaptive and maladaptive ways survivors might use: from healthy support and self care to substance use and drugs. Encouragement for rest, taking a break from normal responsibilities and good self care is important. An underlying substance use issue complicates things and may escalate. For a few <a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/family.html" style="color: #006db3; text-decoration: none;">families</a>, trauma and increased drug or alcohol use can create a chaotic environment that makes professional support for the grieving process difficult or impossible.</div>
<span style="color: red;">Thankfully I am very self aware and I have not filled my void with drugs or alcohol. I know what my limits are and I shut down when I can no longer handle what is being asked or what is needed from me. What people need to understand that grief is no rules or reason. Its often harder to tell someone what you need during this time as much as people struggle to reach out when they are having suicidal thoughts. What I have been greatly blessed with is people who randomly drop things off or randomly try to help with chores or cleaning. When you can barely take care of breathing, you forget everything. I can't express enough how blessed I have been with people who have reached out. Strangers and friends have stepped up when others have ran away. </span><br />
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<b>8. Creating a grieving ritual</b></div>
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Creating a "grieving ritual" is one way to get together as a family to remember the person who died. It can be helpful to show that a loved-one has not been forgotten and provides a comforting routine. The date might be the loved-one's birthday, the date of death or other significant date. These times can be difficult even several years after the death. Rituals can be simple, such as going to a location that meant something to their loved-one. It could be spending the day with a trusted friend talking about the loved-one. It may also be a more formal religiously sanctioned celebration. Challenges for survivors can arise in families with conflict where the <a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/religion.html" style="color: #006db3; text-decoration: none;">religion</a> has difficulty with the concept of suicide or where the fact of suicide is a secret from some members. When <a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/family.html" style="color: #006db3; text-decoration: none;">families</a> will not follow the same ritual, individual survivors can create something personal. A sacred location such as: gardens, the shore or even the place where the person died are often mentioned as places survivors feel close to their loved-one. Survivors should be supported to craft rituals that mean something to them. As time goes on, this can be a day that survivors feel comfortable letting their sad feelings flood in and then resume activities after a time.</div>
<span style="color: red;">I am looking for ideas that maybe when people read this they can comment below on things you have done or seen or think would be a good idea. </span><br />
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<b>9. Individual grieving process</b></div>
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Each individual's grieving is unique; there is no correct way or accepted timetable for the grieving process though there are some common stages survivors may move through. Close friends and relatives may wish to "move on" or find it painful to discuss the suicide. This can transmit subtle or not-so-subtle messages to the survivor that because family and friends don't want to hear about it any more there is something wrong with them for wanting to process their feelings. Friends may suggest that the deceased's room be changed, that the family move or that the deceased clothes be given away. Comments about <a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/dating.html" style="color: #006db3; text-decoration: none;">dating</a> (when a spouse has died) or having more children (when a child has died) probably reflect the speaker's need to conceive of hope for the future. It is, however, insensitive to the long process of adjustment needed by the majority of survivors. The fact that others are moving on or see ways that the survivor might move on, can increase the survivor's feelings of islolation. Survivor support will include much, repeated reassurance that this is not their problem nor is it their role to make those around them comfortable. Another common scenario is for some family members to seek helpful support outside the family and for others to withdraw or refuse to discuss it. The ideal is for everyone to become more comfortable with the fact that differences exist and not to hitch one's healing to someone else's internal process or needs.</div>
<span style="color: red;">This is as true as a thumb print being only to you. My process is unlike anyone else's because its my process and every thing in my life prior to this event has impacted me in some way. While I understand that it may be painful for someone to talk about it. Its harder to pretend like its not in the fore front of my mind all the time. I can not think about everyone else during this time because I have to focus on what I need. It may seem like its selfish but its what I have to do to get to the next moment. Every day is a battle to keep going and having to carry someone else is nothing that a mother who is grieving can do for those around her. I have had a few people tell me or ask me if I plan on having more kids...um well I can't make it through a day so that will not fill the giant hole in my heart. Its very true that seeing others go on with life is hard to watch while I feel like my life is stopped. </span><br />
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<b>10. Blaming and family conflict</b></div>
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<a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/family.html" style="color: #006db3; text-decoration: none;">Family</a> conflict is common among survivors. <a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/family.html" style="color: #006db3; text-decoration: none;">Family</a> members can blame spouses or significant others when unhealthy relationships or a difficult break-up precedes a partner's suicide. I have seen overt blame for signs that "should have been seen." I have also heard of towns splitting with police and the deceased blood relatives on one side and those related to the deceased by marriage on the other. In extreme cases, survivors actually move to get away from this dynamic. Group participants typically come to learn that blame and shame are an expression of someone else's <a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/grief.html" style="color: #006db3; text-decoration: none;">grief</a>. Survivors can be supported to understand that they cannot be responsible for family member's anger or grief or the loved one's death. But this part of the journey is very painful. It is important for a loved-one in a family conflict situation to have a safe place to talk about the isolation and sorrow that comes with it. Here, the loss may not be just the loved-one, but friends, neighbors and others. Professional, individual counseling would be helpful in this situation.</div>
<span style="color: red;">Thankfully we have had none of this. No one has placed blame on anyone in the family. I own my own blame and my own issues with her death but no one has or will place blame on anyone in the family. It was no ones fault and her life will not be defined by the last moment she had. We will remember who she was and what impact she made in our life. </span><br />
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<b>11. Parental grief</b></div>
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While any loss by suicide is very difficult, parents feel a special position of care for a child who dies by suicide. The guilt and shock when a child or young adult is lost can be especially debilitating. Often survivor parents are unable to share their true feelings of shame except with other survivor parents. Particularly when a child is young, outsiders wonder how parents missed the signs –parents are supposed to keep their children "safe." In reality, no parent is with their child every minute of every day. Suicide by a child is so unexpected. I heard Frank Campbell, PhD, Baton Rouge Crisis <a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/intervention.html" style="color: #006db3; text-decoration: none;">Intervention</a> Center, at a presentation indicate that family members are exactly the wrong people to rely on to see these signs clearly. According to Dr. Campbell, their love and hopes for the best for their children prevents parents from forming thoughts that children could actually be unsafe in this manner. In addition, children like adults, are not always honest about their feelings. They sometimes tell bits about how they are feeling to more than one person leaving no one individual with the whole picture. It is essential that facilitators and therapists provide a nonjudgmental atmosphere for grieving parents. Aside from participating in a group, survivor parents benefit greatly from contact with a fellow parental survivors.</div>
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<span style="color: red;">This is one of the hardest for sure...the guilt you feel as a parent for not being able to protect your child. We are all in a place that this could happen you anyone. We need to bring attention to brain health as well. Mental health is just as important as physical health. One thing I am good at is sharing my feelings...good bad...raw they are there and in your face. I have no choice but to get them out of my head. If I don't my insides feel like they are going to explode from the inside out. I hope that you take a moment to talk about mental health in your home be it with your children or your loved one. Open those lines of communication..there are too many people struggling out there. No one is alone to fight in this world. We will speak!!! We will share our stories and we will make a difference by reading and sharing this post. </span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-size: x-large;">SPEAK!!!!!!!!</span></div>
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Sources</div>
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1. Created by the Baton Rouge Crisis Intervention Center, The History of Suicide, accessed June 2010 on the website of the Jacob Crouch Foundation at:<a href="http://www.injacobsmemory.org/history-of-suicide.html" rel="nofollow" style="color: #006db3; text-decoration: none;">www.injacobsmemory.org/history-of-suicide.html</a></div>
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2. Sudak, Howard, MD, Maxim, Karen, MS, RN, and Carpenter, Maryellen, Suicide and Stigma: A Review of the Literature and Personal Reflections, Journal of Academic Psychiatry, American Psychiatric <a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/publishing.html" style="color: #006db3; text-decoration: none;">Publishing</a>, Inc.: February 16, 2007</div>
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3. Office of the Surgeon General, Mental Health, a Report of the Surgeon General, Chapter One: Introduction and Themes: 1999, accessed June 2010 at:<a href="http://www.surgeongeneral.gov/library/mentalhealth/chapter1/sec1.html" rel="nofollow" style="color: #006db3; text-decoration: none;">www.surgeongeneral.gov/library/mentalhealth/chapter1/sec1.html</a></div>
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<a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/the-special-grieving-needs-of-suicide-survivors">http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/the-special-grieving-needs-of-suicide-survivors</a></div>
Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-90950044522278841772015-11-08T13:45:00.000-06:002015-11-08T13:45:29.583-06:00Saving a Life one Step at a Time<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">So over the last few months, I have been trying so hard
to make a difference in the minds of children and parents. I have met so many
people who would rather hide their heads and pretend like this could never be
them. I pray that is right every day. I have been trying to use my horror to
educate those around me. It has been a constant battle between fighting for my
own life and fighting to save those around me. You must put on your own oxygen
mask before you help your neighbor is what they tell you on a plane. Same
principle applies to grief. However it’s
in my battle to make a difference that I find the will to live and to go on. It
keeps me mentally well and allows me to feel as though she will not be
forgotten. I have learned that some people would rather go about their days and
pretend like this only happens to bad people or people from broken homes. Let
me assure you that Sara was not bad and did not come from a broken home. Suicide
does not discriminate. Every 12 minutes, we lose another child, a human being
to suicide. I want to be an advocate for mental health. I want to become a
guest speaker someday where my story touches the lives of people everywhere.
Kevin Hines is such an inspiration to me and recently I got to meet him in
person. He is world renown for his constant fight to get the word out there
about living mentally well and to educate others about suicidal thoughts. He
has so many awards I can’t even name them all. Recently he visited all 5
schools in the Shawnee Mission District because someone cared enough to bring
him here and touch the lives of other children. Karen and Steve Arkin lost their
beautiful, smart and caring son Jason to depression in May of this year and
since then they have also been advocates for suicide prevention. They have been
instrumental in getting the word out there about depression and living mentally
well. Jason and Sara both lost their
lives this year. They were both gifted children who had amazing potential. They both loved penguins and liked to doodle
them when they were young. They both
cared dearly for their friends and family. While Jason’s struggles were known
to his family, Sara’s were not. Same ending but different paths and that is the
point…suicide does not pick the person or family. Suicide is the result of a
person losing the ability to fight the pain that they are feeling inside their
heads. That pain can only be described as unimaginable. <span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">As many of you know, I am doing everything I can to
keep getting the story out there about suicide, the signs to look for, and the
questions to ask. This is what I do
these days in order to survive my loss of my only daughter. In honor of Sara, Jason, and all the children
who lost their battle, I will continue to speak up. I will continue to fight to
make a difference. Over the last 3 months, I have been a guest speaker at a
walk, helped bring Kevin Hines to all the SM schools, continued to push the
schools to do more for the kids at Sara’s school from community meeting for
parents to training for teachers to special support groups for the kids to
bringing awareness to the PTSA that they had no resources on their website.
Well I am happy to report that they do now. I have written my senator and the president, made shirts and bands to get
the word out there, came up with an awesome name SPEAK which stands for Suicide
Prevention Education Awareness for Kids, interviewed for a book about suicide, participated
in the Out of the darkness walk helping raise money for suicide prevention, and anything else that I can get involved in.
Why you may ask? Because Sara’s life mattered more than her one choice she made
that day. Because she will not be defined by her death but her death will
educate others. Her death will open people’s eyes like they have mine. I
started this blog a few months ago to help others who are like me suffering
from a loss and to educate people about an epidemic that is taking our
children. Below is the most recent post from the SM South Newspaper supporting
a great cause and raising money for suicide prevention. The children see that
things need to change in schools. They are the ones who are continuing to fight
against the school demanding change. I am so proud of the hundreds of students
who are fighting alongside me demanding a change and demanding something be
done. Continue to SPEAK RAIDERS Continue to FIGHT!!!!! </span></span></div>
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Saving a Life one Step at a Time</h1>
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<a href="http://smsouthnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Out-of-the-Darkness-Walk-online-photo-900x598.jpg" rel="prettyPhoto[1]" style="color: black; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none;" title="A group of South students made T-shirts and walked 3 laps to support the out of the darkness suicide prevention walk in honor of Sara Prideaux. Photo by Claire Johnson"><img class="catboxphoto" src="http://smsouthnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Out-of-the-Darkness-Walk-online-photo-900x598.jpg" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; width: 300px;" /></a></div>
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Claire Johnson</div>
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A group of South students made T-shirts and walked 3 laps to support the out of the darkness suicide prevention walk in honor of Sara Prideaux. Photo by Claire Johnson</div>
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<span class="storybyline" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><a href="http://smsouthnews.com/staff/?writer=Trevor%20Tolar" style="color: black; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none;">Trevor Tolar</a>, Heritage Reporter</span><br />
<span class="storydate" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">November 5, 2015</span><br />
<span class="storycategory" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Filed under <a href="http://smsouthnews.com/category/news/" rel="category tag" style="color: black; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none;">News</a>, <a href="http://smsouthnews.com/category/carousel/" rel="category tag" style="color: black; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none;">Online Carousel</a></span></div>
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<span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Ignite officer junior Karina Siegrist participated and helped organize the event ‘Out of the Darkness Walk’ Oct. 3, a walk dedicated to suicide awareness.</span></div>
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<span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">“It took place at Berkley Riverfront Park, and we walked around 2 to 5 miles,” Siegrist said. </span></div>
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<span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Ignite Club was surprised to see as many students and teachers who showed their support.</span></div>
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<span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">“Our initial goal was$ 300 but we raised it to $1,000 because we were able to raise over $800 just inside of our school,” Siegrist said.</span></div>
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<span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Sophomore Niki Chamberlain was not only there to walk, but also to help promote a suicide hotline.</span></div>
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<span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">“I gave everyone I could a suicide hotline card with numbers on them, so that people can talk their way through their problems,” Chamberlain said.</span></div>
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<span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Even though Chamberlain gave everyone the chance to get help she felt mixed emotions about the walk.</span></div>
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<span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">“I felt a depressive vibe giving off, but it also made me happy. It showed that people were not alone, the people who were feeling this depression were able to go and get help,” Chamberlain said.</span></div>
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<span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">People were not afraid to show their support in their time of mourning.</span></div>
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<span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">“If I had to say somewhere around 1500 to 2000 people participated in total,” Chamberlain said.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "sanchez"; font-size: 12px;">- See more at: http://smsouthnews.com/7586/news/saving-a-life-one-step-at-a-time/#sthash.GBYdquEh.dpuf</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12px;"><span style="font-family: "sanchez";">http://smsouthnews.com/7586/news/saving-a-life-one-step-at-a-time/</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12px;"><span style="font-family: "sanchez";"><br /></span></span>Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-63808378270821696992015-11-06T09:17:00.000-06:002015-11-06T09:17:59.749-06:00Many of us feel inept when it comes to acknowledging suicide. <h2 style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; letter-spacing: -0.01em; line-height: 1.5em; margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Many of us feel inept when it comes to acknowledging suicide. </span></h2>
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<em style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #484848; line-height: 31.1904px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">"It's so tragic." </span></em><em style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #484848; line-height: 31.1904px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">"What a waste of a beautiful life." </span></em><em style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #484848; line-height: 31.1904px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">"Why didn't he just talk to us about it?"</span></em></h2>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">We are often at a loss for how to deal with the profoundly devastating topic of suicide. We can talk about it in a removed, social-ill, this-world-is-so-messed-up, throw-our-hands-up-in-helplessness kind of way when it comes up in passing — like when people are talking about how much they miss Robin Williams.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">But we are poorly equipped to discuss it in any substantial way. Which is understandable. Most of us aren't trained in psychiatric services and are doing our best to muddle through our own difficulties in life. Figuring out how to solve America's suicide problem seems above our pay grade.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">It's important for each of us to commit to getting better at talking about it.</span></h2>
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<span style="color: #484848; line-height: 31.1904px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">The truth is that each of us could have a friend who's suicidal right now — today — and isn't telling us about it. They're not telling us about it because they know very well that they live in a world ill-equipped to help them without judging them. </span></span><span style="color: #484848; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 31.1904px;">The main thing that kept me from speaking up long ago when I toyed with the thought of ending my own life was: "If I admit I'm barely able to take each next breath right now, will I always be labeled as fragile or troubled forever for the rest of time?" Saying something is a decision to commit to someone else's memory that this messed-up mental stumble is happening. It takes bravery to talk about it, especially when you're in the thick of it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Why does suicide start looking like a viable option?</span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">John Gibson, a pastor whose name was recently released as part of the Ashley Madison hack (where people were outed for starting accounts with the intent to cheat on their spouses), committed suicide in August.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; font-style: italic; line-height: 31.1904px;">Jody Nelson, a clinical social worker in Lansing, Michigan, explains part of why a person can be drawn to suicide in the first place:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">"A suicidal person will often see suicide as a neat, tidy, and self-contained solution to their emotional state of desperation. Suicide is never neat. Never tidy. And never truly self-contained. Suicidal people are not capable of seeing or predicting the ripples and waves their act will cause in lives around them. Yet their suicide will impact lives they aren't even aware they are touching via connections their own illness makes impossible for them to see."</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">He advises us to know the risk factors: </span><span style="color: #484848; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 31.1904px;">"Not all of these are going to mean impending suicide attempts, but the risk increases as they pile on each other."</span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 600;"></span>1. Depression. Isolation. Losses. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 31.1904px;">2. Big life changes (and sometimes, just some small ones like going on or off certain meds). </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 31.1904px;">3. Prior attempts. Substance abuse. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 31.1904px;">4. Irrational or erratic behaviors. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 31.1904px;">5. Financial difficulties. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 31.1904px;">6. Access to means. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 31.1904px;">7. Suicidal intention. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 31.1904px;">8. A family history of suicide. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 31.1904px;">9. Connections to others who have died by suicide.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Nelson says that if we see those signs, we should ask straight-up something like this question:</span></h2>
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<span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 600;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">"Hey I've noticed you've been particularly down lately. Are you thinking about hurting yourself?"</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">It won't make someone who's not suicidal suddenly consider it. And it won't make someone who is thinking suicidal thoughts go through with it. What it will do, if they have been thinking about it, is break through a wall that's keeping the person isolated and suddenly alleviate some of that buildup they've been sitting alone with. A person struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts is often very grateful to find someone they can talk frankly with about their thoughts.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">And if they say yes, listen and talk, but also <span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 600;">get them to an emergency room</span>. Go with them. Get them there. They will be connected to the right resources once they get there. Then follow up and keep an eye. Keep talking with them. But don't let them put it off — they will try to downplay it as not that serious. Who wouldn't? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Here's why it's important for us to talk about this right now, and publicly.</span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><img src="http://upw-prod-images.global.ssl.fastly.net/nugget/55f1aea96132360025bf0200/attachments/a-7808ed4f6f89b1b75cb8c1f2079c4257.jpg" style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 0.25em; margin-top: 0.25em; max-width: 100%; vertical-align: middle;" /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">There's no shame in needing your friends. These guys know. Image by <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hug#/media/File:Bromances.jpg" style="background-color: transparent; background-image: linear-gradient(rgba(166, 148, 141, 0) 50%, rgba(166, 148, 141, 0.6) 50%); background-position: 0px 1.35em; background-repeat: repeat-x; background-size: 2px 2px; box-sizing: border-box; padding: 0.2em 0px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">SmellyAvocado</a>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">When we learn how to talk about suicide more productively and demonstrate publicly that we're trying to understand it a little better than we used to, we open doors in case someone in our circle is thinking about opening up. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 31.1904px;">We signal that we aren't going to judge our friends and loved ones — just love them. Sharing an article like this is one way to start sending that signal. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 31.1904px;">And when more people get the message that there's someone around they can talk to, maybe we'll see the suicide numbers drop significantly. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 31.1904px;">In the big picture, that would be amazing. </span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; font-weight: 600; line-height: 31.1904px;"></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 31.1904px;">But as anyone who's lost a loved one to suicide can tell you,</span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; font-weight: 600; line-height: 31.1904px;"> </span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; font-weight: 600; line-height: 31.1904px;">saving one person and stopping those devastating ripple effects from starting is immeasurably valuable.</span></div>
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<span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; font-weight: 600; line-height: 31.1904px;"><a href="http://www.upworthy.com/9-risk-factors-for-suicide-and-1-important-question-you-can-ask-to-hopefully-know-for-sure?c=ufb2">http://www.upworthy.com/9-risk-factors-for-suicide-and-1-important-question-you-can-ask-to-hopefully-know-for-sure?c=ufb2</a></span></div>
Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-65876381539201935662015-11-04T18:59:00.001-06:002015-11-04T18:59:04.270-06:00Dear loved one-a must read<div class="printfriendly pf-alignright" style="box-sizing: border-box; float: right; margin: 0px;"><a href="http://stillstandingmag.com/2015/06/open-letter-loved-ones-grieving-mother/#" rel="nofollow" class="noslimstat" style="box-sizing: border-box; transition: all 0.1s ease-in-out; -webkit-transition: all 0.1s ease-in-out; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: bottom; border: none; font-size: 17px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font color="#000000"><img src="http://cdn.printfriendly.com/pf-button-both.gif" alt="Print Friendly" scale="0" data-jpibfi-indexer="0" style="box-sizing: border-box; border: none; max-width: 100%; height: auto; padding: 0px; margin-right: 6px; display: inline-block; box-shadow: none; -webkit-box-shadow: none;"></font></a></div><div style="text-align: start; box-sizing: border-box; float: right; clear: both;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><iframe src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/like.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fstillstandingmag.com%2F2015%2F06%2Fopen-letter-loved-ones-grieving-mother%2F&layout=box_count&show_faces=false&width=60&action=like&colorscheme=light&font=arial" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" allowtransparency="true" style="box-sizing: border-box; max-width: 100%; border-style: none; overflow: hidden; width: 60px; height: 75px; margin: 2px 0px;"></iframe></span></div><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><img class="alignleft wp-image-19083" src="http://stillstandingmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/924837_240905126079044_303856425_n.jpg" alt="An Open Letter to the Loved Ones of a Grieving Mother, by Franchesca Cox" width="400" height="400" scale="0" data-jpibfi-indexer="1" style="box-sizing: border-box; border: 0px; max-width: 100%; height: auto; float: left; margin: 0px 24px 24px 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I didn't write this but it was too perfect not to share. </span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Dear Loved One,</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I know you mean well. I believe you. I 100% believe you have the best intentions for her. She isn’t the same person and that probably scares you. You think of her before her (and your) loss, and you might wonder why things aren’t going back to the way they were.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">You try and fix her broken heart by telling her things that you would think would <i style="box-sizing: border-box;">make it all better, </i>or in the past <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">make her smile</em>.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Somehow your words of comfort aren’t doing the trick. She might even be pushing you away. I beg you – don’t take it personal.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">She hardly knows what to do with her own bazillion emotions, much less yours. So she isn’t trying to hurt you, but she also might not have the best ways of expressing just how much she still needs you.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">You miss her laughter.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">You miss her jokes and conversation about trivial things.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">You want to remember her child with her, but somehow – to you – it might seem like she’s taking it a little far.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I’m here to ask you to leave her alone. No, don’t walk out on her. That’s not what I am talking about. Quite the opposite.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Let her go a little crazy. (She’s not crazy, by the way.) She is grieving the death of her child. She is the only person in the entire history of the universe that feels the full impact of this loss.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">She’s alone. She has you, but really? She is doing this by herself.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">So watch her as she visits the grave site frequently (or not). Go with her. She might say it’s okay that you don’t, but don’t listen to that. She might not thank you for joining her, but go anyway. I guarantee your presence will not go unnoticed.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Study the things that become suddenly important to her.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Online blogs, forums, support groups, angels, wings, feathers, butterflies, certain jewelry pieces, songs, colors, places. Don’t stop obsessing over why you fell in love with her in the first place.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">She’s still in there. I <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">promise.</em></span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">She is doing her absolute best to mend her own heart but no one handed her the manual on how this was going to happen when the casket was lowered.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">She’s winging it, just like you are. And you love her, so trust me when I say I’m on your side too.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">She sheds a thousand tears a day, and you might be lucky to spot a few. She knows you’re quite tired of her sadness. She knows that you care, but she is also tired of seeing you exasperated when you realize you can’t fix her.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">She hasn’t stopped crying. She just cries more when you’re not around.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">So instead of trying to fix her sadness the next time, just listen. Nothing you can say or do or buy can make her pain any less painful.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">She isn’t crying so that you will fix her, she’s crying because she can’t help it. It actually has nothing to do with you.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">You might notice her go from sad to depressed to completely angry and back to sad in a day. I know it’s scary to watch someone we love become someone we hardly recognize anymore, but the things she need more than anything is your unconditional and demonstrative love and support. She needs to know she is safe, no matter where she lands.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">And we aren’t forgetting about your pain too, because while she is breaking into a million pieces, you too, are bearing the pain and weight of this loss, and to top that off maybe even a little misplaced, self-induced guilt for not being able to make her feel better.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Admitting just how devastating this all has been for you too, can be a constructive way to reunite after loss. Consider opening up to her.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Above all else, support her. In her anger, in her sadness, in her depression, in her lonely spells, in her confusion, in her wandering, in her distance and in her closeness. There are few things that hinder healing more than judgment from loved ones.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">She will make it through this to the other side.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">She won’t always be bombarded by the most intense pain that new grief delivers on a regular basis, but she will never be quite the same.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 26px; padding: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">And she needs you to be okay with that.</span></p>Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-73625717875065121292015-11-01T22:43:00.001-06:002015-11-01T22:43:03.681-06:003 months ago<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">This weekend marks 90 horrible days…3 months since she passed...2160 hours of hell...hours filled with questions and confusion...answers I will never get... Having
a tough time trying to understand how such a bright child could decide to end her
life...she was in the top of her class. She spoke 2 </span><span style="line-height: 18.4px;">languages</span><span style="line-height: 115%;"> fluently. Her GPA was 4.7. There is no way I
could even come close to being that smart and gifted as she was. I feel as though her
potential was just lost. That the world has lost someone great and they don’t
even see the loss at this time. The magnitude of losing her is so huge…someone
who would have made a difference in the world and someone who already did in
the 16 years and 10 days of her short life. I can’t figure out what went wrong.
I can’t figure out what I did to miss the signs. I can’t figure out how this
could be my new life, a life without her in it. Of all the things that I had imagined in my life, this is
not one of the top 100 that I would have picked or guessed. I was never given
the opportunity to save her. I was never given the chance to show her that the
world was worth staying here and that HS is just a moment in life. After HS is can get better. Life does become better. I didn’t get
the chance because she didn't let me know or I didn’t ask the right questions.
I assumed her signs were normal teenager behavior. </span></span><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #141823;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">At what point did I go wrong? I find myself questioning everything
I said and did over the last 16 years of her life. I play back the last days
before she passed looking for anything and everything that I may have missed. I find myself taken over by the what-ifs demons. When I look at the demons I faced as a child compared to hers...She
had everything. I didn't even get a warning. No signs were given that I saw? I find myself questioning
things I said, things I didn’t say and why didn’t I say them or why didn’t I do
something different...This is why I tell everyone about her and me. So that they find the courage to have those hard conversations and so they ask those questions. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #141823;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #141823;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">I feel so lost and don't understand what happened that day. I mean I know that she is gone because of a gun shot to the head but how? How did
this become an option? How are kids thinking that this is a choice? How does
one not see that this option to end one’s life will also shatter those around
them…I am collateral damage of suicide. I protected her from everything but herself. I can't understand it!!!!!
I'm so lost without her. I can't find feelings other than anger and hurt. I
read that it never gets better then why keep going? Is this how she felt? I used to love life and
live for moments. Now I live for the moment to join her where ever she is. My
faith has been turned upside down. My life has been turn upside down. Do I want
to die, No. I don’t want to die, I have a lot of fight left in me...But living without her feels like a death
sentence. They say grief has no time line…but society </span><span style="line-height: 27.6px;">often</span><span style="line-height: 115%;"> puts pressure on people to move on or at least stop talking about it. When you talk about your loved one, people are often left feeling uncomfortable and so they stop asking you about them. I am thankful that I have the best support group out
there from family and friends and strangers but sometimes you still feel alone in the world.
Sometimes you are not able to be the rock that you once were. I have always
been the rock for my family and friends. I have always been able to fix things
and I cannot fix this. I cannot fix me. The rock that I once was is shattered
into a million pieces and spread across time and space. There will never be a
day that I am whole again...until I see her face and hold her again. I find
myself struggling with being present and being able to help those around me
when I feel so lost myself. Sometimes others worries are just too heavy to
carry. Sometimes all I can do is be present and breathing. I have thoughts that
I would like my heart to stop beating as hers has but I know what pain that
will cause. Do I want to die…No I do not want to die. Do I have bad moments...yes we all do. I want to make a
difference in her honor so I am transparent and raw. You get all of me and what I am thinking. No filter. I want people to remember that little girl for the
rest of their lives. So what do I do…I fight. I fight for everyone who is
struggling and for everyone who walks in this nightmare. So that they know they
are not alone. As I am reminded by friends, family, and strangers that I am not
alone even when I feel alone. I am not alone. I am reminded that I have lots of people supporting me and ready to reach out if I fall. I am thankful that I have those people even if I feel alone sometimes. Please remember to SPEAK up and talk to people. Share my story. Share Sara's silence in hopes that it helps someone not feel alone. Support the cause when you wear the SPEAK UP shirts or bands. Please take time to share my blog as you never know who life it could save. Hold steady!!!!! </span></span></span></span><br />
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Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-76879433287672438262015-10-26T10:17:00.000-05:002015-11-01T22:13:11.597-06:00SLEEP WHO CARES<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiohR3zlD8ImBwJ5gPCK6gsYr6X4TuIeCy8-uS1Yh6Z4LE-6BYsjY8ANKjoQL5FxOaZRaeULH3IHOKQrUrvPVwDWs_An0KqTeD6OF2HvWHDY7hmmgeWfo5UL18P14EjX_oaQo9lwjFtGf0/s1600/stren.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="298" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiohR3zlD8ImBwJ5gPCK6gsYr6X4TuIeCy8-uS1Yh6Z4LE-6BYsjY8ANKjoQL5FxOaZRaeULH3IHOKQrUrvPVwDWs_An0KqTeD6OF2HvWHDY7hmmgeWfo5UL18P14EjX_oaQo9lwjFtGf0/s320/stren.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Sleep is part of normal life and grieving people often find
that sleep allows them to escape there nightmare reality. Most of the time I
don't sleep enough to have a dream let alone on that isn’t attacking every
ounce of my soul...however last night I had a dream last night where she came
to me but I cannot remember what was said or done. All I remember is that my
brother Tony was in the dream and she was talking to us. God I wish I could
remember what she said. It was like she was telling me something important. I am not sure what was said and it’s bugging
me. I wish I could remember. I am sure it was just me wishing for her to come
to me but I would take it at this point. I know that I only slept for a few
hours and that once I woke up from the dream I instantly remembered that she
was in my dream. I woke up feeling lost...searching for what I was dreaming
about...most nights are filled with endless tossing and turning...there isn't a
night these days that isn’t filled with regrets and prayers asking to wake up
from this nightmare but every day...I wake up to the same nightmare that was
the day before. It never fails...no one comes equipped to handle a loss such as
this. I am certain that I would have bet my life
that this would not be my reality. The reality is that it is and it will never
change. I don't get to close my eyes and try to undo what was done the next
day...there are no I'm sorry's to be said or let me help you with this to be
done...The only that I have left is to try to make a difference in the world
that she left behind. I struggle with that even. I used to dream of the future
and what it would look like and now I can only handle the day to day moments.
Each morning I have to force myself to get out of bed and face the horror. Each
morning I have to make a choice to breathe and to live. Someone told me that
'She wouldn't want you to live like this or think like that." Well I agree
that she didn't take this action to hurt me but the reality is that it did. Her
actions tore my world upside down. I don't know how to live without her. It’s a
matter of fact. I belong to groups of people who are like me and share in this
horrific reality and there are some who still struggle after 25 years. It never goes away...never...Its a life sentence of pain, sadness, and levels of grief that no one comes equipped to handle. I have moments where
thoughts enter my mind that are sad...I often wonder how long I will live with
the heart break inside...I wonder if I became sick would I have the fight to go
on...I wonder what tomorrow holds for me as I cannot see past today...sometimes
I am afraid of the future because she is not in mine anymore. I struggle every
day with thoughts. They say the 2nd year is worse than the first year and I
can’t even imagine it being any worse than it is right now. Every day I pray for the strength to endure, the courage to overcome and the heart to forgive myself. Every day I pray that I have the courage to go on and I pray that I have the strength to reach another life. Every day I pray that I find the heart of someone who is hurting and my words and her story talks them back to us. I search for ways to reach others and the words to actually do some good. Firecracker Allie doesn't always make friends. My strong personality can be well strong. My loss is great and my heart is broken...pieces of my former self are all that is left...yet I fight...fight to breathe fight to hold steady...fight to educate those who are not aware. Do not fear what you do not understand...</span><span style="font-size: large;">If you find out that
someone is suicidal...what would you do? What would you say? Do you know what
to say? Are you afraid to ask those hard questions? I just want to get the word
out...I am still really numb most days but slowly realizing</span><span style="font-size: large;"> that she is never coming home...It takes an intense amount of courage to keep going and it takes an
intense amount of courage to face each day standing up against mental illness.
I feel as though I have been robbed of moments and memories that were
rightfully mine to see and enjoy. I feel as though I have to make sure that every life lost to suicide is heard and matters. Thank you for sharing and reading about my journey. </span><br />
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Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-90385121942318877022015-10-23T08:37:00.000-05:002015-10-23T08:37:47.615-05:00UPDATE ON SHIRT Orders-We have some extras if you want to still get one-sizes vary<div style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17.5636px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt4e4K1vbMqvTnBzV_o8l9J_5nWiesTmTZ1eTX4gJ8GdVFpTkySqN0e934sSkegYuU1qxP1kRNV7rsiTv7hCBLbIsm8iYqRbWq10S9JOEToNrKD51w9pyZLwR8TsSn_1UweXuJMQo1Emg/s1600/grief.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="278" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt4e4K1vbMqvTnBzV_o8l9J_5nWiesTmTZ1eTX4gJ8GdVFpTkySqN0e934sSkegYuU1qxP1kRNV7rsiTv7hCBLbIsm8iYqRbWq10S9JOEToNrKD51w9pyZLwR8TsSn_1UweXuJMQo1Emg/s320/grief.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I will have the shirts/bands ready to pick up this Saturday(Tomorrow) at The Sports Cave in Overland Park. Address is 11440 W. 135th Street Overland Park, KS 66221 from 12-5pm only. Please try to make this work for you. Come see me and say hi. Grab a bite to eat or drink if you want. With 200 orders, I cannot drive all over town trying to deliver them so I really hope that this works for everyone. If you paid for shipping, those will be mailed on Monday. If <span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;">you have not paid for your shirts yet, please send a payment via check now, use paypal or pay upon pick up. There is about 35 people on the list that I do not have as paid but placed the shirt order on good faith. I will sent a personal message to remind everyone on FB. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Shipping can still be requested however you will need to pay for shipping beforehand. Great News is that we do have a few extras, that we purchased in case someone forgot to get one or wanted to buy an extra one. We have tons of bands left over to purchase. We are very excited for everyone to see the finished product and how special it was to make it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Many many hours of tears went into making this shirt special in her honor. We used Sara’s original drawings and favorite colors as best we could. Thank you again for all your support through this very tough time in their lives.</span></div>
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<b><i><u>About the company that made the shirts possible-</u></i></b></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">GO Exchange wholly-owned by Global Orphan Project, a Kansas City based non-profit dedicated to orphan care and orphan prevention through job creation. We are trying to change the way apparel is being produced. Our production starts in Haiti where we pay our workers living wages to help them provide for themselves and there families. Giving them the best working conditions is also important to GO Exchange so we provide them with top of the line facilities.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="color: #212121;"> GO Exchange is creating living wage jobs to lift the lives of workers, and producing exceptional quality apparel at a great price. We offer stock custom printed T-shirts, and produce private label goods for our clients. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="color: #212121;"> We are finding that there are a lot of customers that really care how their garments are made and we offer these customer a great product. We know that when price and quality are the same or better, most customers definitely prefer ethically made product.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="color: #212121;">We offer 17 colors of 100% 34 ring spun combed and compacted shirts that would be perfect for this project. People supporting the cause will be excited about wearing the shirt because of the cause, graphic, and how the shirt feels.</span></span></div>
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Sara would love that this is helping others and love that it made a difference in the world!!! Just like she did all of ours. Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5746207816839315438.post-63261436463934391552015-10-22T20:39:00.001-05:002015-10-22T20:39:27.872-05:00Who is a grieving mother? <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<h1 class="entry-title" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 3rem; line-height: 1.2; margin: 0px 0px 1rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
Who Is A Grieving Mother?</h1>
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<em style="border: 0px; color: #222222; font-size: 16px; line-height: 1.625; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Who is a grieving mother?</em></div>
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Does she look different from one who is not?</div>
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Is her pain visible in the smile she sometimes forces…<br />
behind the eyes on the verge of tears?<br />
Can you see the aging her body feels from the trauma of loss?</div>
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She’s one who still pictures herself from before the loss<br />
and is sometimes caught off guard at the reflection looking back from the mirror.</div>
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<em style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Who is a grieving mother?</em></div>
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She’s one who ignores a baby shower or birthday invitation one day, because the pain is still too raw.<br />
And the next, celebrates the small milestones, for she knows how precious they are.</div>
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She’s one who boxes up a lifetime of mementos in an afternoon to spare her husband the pain.<br />
Yet years later still can’t dredge up the courage to go through them again.</div>
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<em style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Who is a grieving mother?</em></div>
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She’s one who holds it together in the big things and falls apart over spilled milk.<br />
Who loves deeply those closest to her, but keeps her heart guarded for protection from others.</div>
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She’s one who grimaces at the first laughs after loss, but later laughs louder than most.<br />
Who finds joy in the simple things and relishes every day moments.</div>
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<em style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Who is a grieving mother?</em></div>
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She’s one held hostage by dates on the calendar and unexpected triggers.<br />
And one who will always pause for sunsets, butterflies, and sweet signs from above.</div>
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She’s one who lets go of friends unable to support her.<br />
And one who treasures those who didn’t walk away.</div>
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<em style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Who is a grieving mother?</em></div>
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She’s one who can experience an array of emotions on any given day.<br />
And one who wishes tears would come when numbness covers her.</div>
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She’s one who screams at God one moment and clings to him the next.<br />
Who didn’t expect her faith to grow so much from the most important unanswered prayer she ever spoke.</div>
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<em style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Who is a grieving mother?</em><br />
She is one as complicated as the grief she carries.</div>
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“Do not judge the Grieving Mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”</div>
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~ Author Unknown</div>
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This is a perfect was to explain how I feel...I couldn't say it better myself. </div>
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Alliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03494747632661608016noreply@blogger.com0