Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Six Months Since


They say it takes three weeks to change a habit or circumstance. One would logically think that six months of time passing, one would be able to tell you that some things are OK. In reality losing somebody you love and losing them to suicide will never feel okay.  Sara lost her battle to an illness that was in her case fatal. The method may have been suicide. It doesn't have to be. Losing a child to suicide is unnatural and the questions that we are left with attack our very soul. Some days its like time stands still. You are frozen in that last memory of your loved one...echoing in your mind. The day plays in repeat in my head...I should have done this or I should have done that or I could have done this...the if only's that I pray night and night again that no one else will have to face. After six months, there is no overcoming, there is no going back to normal. There is before and after her death. I see videos of me before her death and it feels like a 100 years since that moment. I cant remember the last time I felt complete and happy with the world, let alone myself.  After six months, the pain is just as bad as it was the day that I found her. After six months, the sorrow empty feelings have just grown bigger, larger and more intense. I can barely listen to music. I don't find it soothing or helpful like before. Instead it tears up my soul thinking of all the songs we used to sing together when we drove home from school. I can hear her in my mind singing "I'll pray for you". She hated country music but would listen with me. Doing things like getting ready in the morning are often debilitating because for 16 years every morning was filled with our routine. We would get ready together in the same bathroom and prepare for our day. She was my best friend. I would be putting on my make up and she would be brushing her teeth...it was moments like that  I would take the opportunity to brush her hair for her. It was our moment that she reminded me she was my little girl. God what I would do to be able to brush her hair again just one more time. Every morning when my alarm goes off, I'm reminded that my life keeps going and hers has ended. People ask how I get up in the morning...to be honest I am not sure.  Some days...I just wish my heart would stop because the pain is so intense. Missing her...There is no tap tap tap on my shoulder from a very sleepy teenager, there is no fighting over who would take the shower first. There isn't one moment that she isn't on my mind. Before Sara's death, I would've told you that I was a survivor and that I was handed every challenge you could possibly handle and that I had overcome them one by one. I wore my scars like medals...proudly standing my ground. I don't see myself as a survivor. In my world-You don't survive suicide loss. You don't survive losing a child. I'm a warrior and I fight like hell every day to continue living and breathing without my child. There are some days when all you do is pray to God or whoever you believe in that the pain that is taking over you STOPS. After losing a child to suicide, I can say that my faith was tested to the breaking point. I hold no judgement for anyone's beliefs. 
Six months ago doesn't feel like a long time when you think about, six months...think of how many things you do in that time. I'm just six months into a lifetime of living without her...I have been forced a walk down death row inside my own body, mind and heart. I wonder sometimes if this is how she felt. I wonder if her pain was anything like I feel...how long had she fought the pain inside without reaching for help. How long would I last if I didn't seek help?  When I look back in my mind retrospectively it has felt like an eternity of walking through hell and the worst horror you could ever imagine. Every day I wake up and its like my life is on repeat, same hell, same sorrow, same nightmare, over and over. You think at night...please please please let me wake up from this nightmare. Please let this be just a bad dream. Please let this not be my life. I would not wish this nightmare on my worst enemy. Nothing will ever be the same. That is the hardest thing to grasp because I believe that we have the power to change things around us. I believe that we have the power and the ability to make a difference. I showed my daughter that she could change the world if she wanted to. In this case, there is nothing that I can do to change the outcome of the death of my daughter. I find myself in between this fog of disbelief and despair...the waves come faster and faster, one minute you're maintaining the screams in your head; the next minute, you're on your knees, no warning...no ability to hold on sucker punch right to the core of you. I feel like I am in a constant battle within my own mind. I miss who I once was living my perfect life, with my perfect family, with my perfect child, yeah we had our imperfect things but that is what made us perfect in my eyes. I didn't really need perfect, I had it already. When you lose a child, it changes you in ways you never thought possible. I see pictures of me and I see the sadness that has taken over. I am broken but I am climbing through the depths of hell. My fight will  not be over until my last breath, I will continue to try to help others. 


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Need help? United States:
1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

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11 comments:

  1. You are always on my mind and in my prayers!!! LOVE YOU!

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  2. i happened upon your story..my heart breaks for you and finds hope in your strength and service.. love and blessings to you

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  3. Hello friends good day to you all!
    It is of a good pleasure for me to share this great testimony with you all, though some of us over here might not take it to be true.
    Few years ago i was diagnosed with Hiv virus and life turn out mealiness to me as when i did my second test and the result came out positive again, ever since then i have been on research looking for any possible means to get rid of this disease as i always have the faith that God could have mercy on a sinner and he could also use any means to heal the sick so far you have the faith, few months ago while i was on search on the internet i came across several testimonials in regards of how Dr Molemen has been treating and curing different patients from various disease just with his herbal medicine, when i saw this great testimony i was left with no option than to contact this man, i had the faith that if this Dr Molemen could help others definitely he is going to solve my problem.
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    I am health and fit to live again, you all should contact Dr Molemen for any problem and i assure you that he is going to make changes with your problem. Here is the contact info for Dr Molemen ( drmolemenspiritualtemple@gmail.com or ( dr.molemenspiritualtemple@yahoo.com) or call him on +2347036013351.
    All thanks to Dr Molemen..

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  4. Thanks i had no knowledge about it, great job.
    disease prevention

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  5. Thanks for sharing this stuff ,This will help fo every national citizen to get knowledge about it.

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  6. The Great Dr.OLIHA herbal medicine is a good or perfect cure remedy for HIV Virus, I was diagnose of HIV for almost 5 years, everyday i am always on research looking for a perfect way to get rid of this terrible disease as i always knew that what we need for our health is right here on earth though the scientist say there is know cure for this disease,on my search I saw some different testimony on how Dr. OLIHA has been able to cure HIV with is herbal medicine. I decided to contact this man, I contacted him and he guided me on how to purchase for the medicine. I asked him for solutions and he started the remedies for my health. Thank God, now everything is fine, I’m cured by Dr. OLIHA herbal med icine, I’m very grateful to Dr. OLIHA, reach him now on (oliha.miraclemedicine@gmail.com ) or you can also call him on +2349038382931.

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  7. I am John Danilla from UK( northern ireland), i want to share a
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    ReplyDelete
  8. Am here to appreciate Dr Oliha for using his herbal medicine to cure my Herpes virus. since 4years now I have been living with this virus and it has been giving me challenges, I was so perplexed cause i have been taking several drugs to be cured but all of my effort was in vain,one morning i was browsing through the internet then i saw several testimonies about Dr. Oliha curing people from Herpes virus and immediately i contacted Dr. Oliha on his email: oliha.miraclemedicine@gmail.com , i told him about my troubles and he told me that i must be cured, gave me some instructions and which i rightly followed. so he prepared a herbal medicine for me and sent it to me which i used for 2 weeks and everything was like a dream to me and my Herpes virus was totally gone, why don't you contact him today and be free from your diseases because he is very good and honest Doctor. contact him via email; oliha.miraclemedicine@gmail.com or whatsApp him on +2349038382931

    ReplyDelete
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