Sunday, August 16, 2015
Sunday August 16th would be a normal day that you were at your dads for the weekend. However this was no normal day for me since you left our world. Finally falling asleep about 3 am after hours of battling anger and guilt. Sleep that wouldn't last long as I woke up throughout the night with nightmares and dreams so bad that I ripped your necklace off my neck breaking the chain. I was so upset that I broke the chain that it was hard to calm back down. It took a while to find a calm thought. My mind raced all night thinking of you and how things should be different. How much I loved you and would give anything to have you back. Falling back to sleep, back into my own hell. Waking up feeling like the hole in my chest is just getting bigger and bigger as the days go on. Trying to find hope or answers in a place that no one can give but you. You do not answer me. I go into your room and I talk to you and beg you to tell me why. Why did you have to leave me? Still there is nothing....I find myself becoming very unsteady in my thoughts so I go to the one place you also went prior to you leaving us. I went to google and I searched and searched for answers to why and how this could happen. Finding nothing but bigger questions and holes I became determined. I am not sure what I am determined to do but I needed something. I decided that I needed to find something positive to put my anger into. I started a #CelebrateSara page on FB so that others can share stories and pictures, started a blog to share our story, and reached out to a few friends for a few other ideas that I have running through my head. There are programs out there in other areas that have been helpful in teen suicide. Its the 2nd leading cause in teenagers death...we talk about STD and teens having babies why are we not talking about mental health in schools. They have study halls but what else can we do? These are the questions that are running through my head, how can I help this not happen to any other parent or family. Losing your child kills a part of who you are. I feel like she has taken me with her. I have spent most of the day trying to get in contact with the right people to help me work on some of these ideas. If this can happen to Sara, it can happen to any one of our children. 100 teens take there lives a week according to google. Can we get part of the yearly check up to include an evaluation for children 10-18 in regards to their mental health? I have all these thoughts and ideas in my head and all I can do is hope that something good will come out of this horrible nightmare that is my life.
You were and are my world. I do not know how to live without you here with me. I am sorry that I was not able to help you through whatever was hurting you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. You are the greatest blessing and saved me when I was 17 years old from going down a very dangerous path and now you are not here to save me. I beg that you come to me like you have others in the last few weeks. I pray that you find your way into my dreams. Thank you for the best 16 years a mother could ever ask for. You were my best friend even if I drove you a bit crazy cuz I was over protective. I just wanted the best for you and wanted to you have everything that I didn't have as a child. I love you Sarabear. Give Sara Ann and my dad hugs from me in heaven.
Hug Kiss Five Muah