Monday, February 6, 2017
It feels like its been a century since I have shared my feelings. Lately I feel like if I don't express my feelings that I may have a nervous breakdown. I took some time away from blogging to focus on some deep wounds that I was carrying around with the loss of my daughter and to manage the emotions that I was having with bringing another daughter into this world. I wasn't sure that I was good enough to have another daughter. My broken heart told me that I didn't deserve to be a mom again. Oh how my mind played tricks on me and my emotions during the last 10 months. I remember having mental fights with the thoughts of failure looming into my mind. I struggled to keep it together constantly being reminded by my own mind how I had failed Sara and how I would fail this daughter as well. Each night as I lay there thinking, how I could have stopped Sara from ending her life if only I would have talked to her about mental health. If only I had made her mental health as important as I did her social and educational needs. If only…The if only’s were like demons set on attacking when my defenses were at the very lowest. Since I have started this journey I have been faced with fears, doubts and monsters from within that I never thought I would face. With each passing day I am reminded that she is not here with me and with each passing day my heart breaks just that much more. Someone once told me that the 2nd year was harder than the first and I thought this can’t be true. There is no way I can handle worse than what I was facing. I understand now what they really meant. The pain never goes away. It’s always present but the feelings are different. The pain is joined by other feelings making it worse than the year prior. There is this yearning that eats away at your heart along with the pain. I think that is just builds on to the pain. On top of suffering, you add yearning. I am not sure what the next year will add on to what I am currently handling but I hold on to hope that with each passing day my story helps someone else seek help. I hope that parents make mental health a priority and that children feel empowered to reach out when a friend is struggling. #SPEAKUP #CELEBRATESARA #BREAKTHESILENCE
Friday, January 20, 2017
I received a letter from Midwest Transplant offering to give a letter to the individuals who were able to benefit from Sara's tissue/organ donations. I can't remember everything that she was able to donate and frankly the thought of it makes me want to scream. Her organs were not able to save others but with the technology today there were many things that they were able to donate. I wasn't sure that this was something that I could do...write a letter to the persons who received a piece of my child. The child that I brought into this world and the child that I had to cremate. I thought this over and over. I would pull out the brochure for Midwest Transplant and slam it back in her pile of papers. I was angry at God and everyone else for me having to go through this. I was still grieving and now I am supposed to write a letter to someone who is still breathing. Before I was able to push it out of my mind and keep the thoughts at bay, over the last few days its been tugging at my heart. Its like a huge horn blaring in my head. So I sat down last night and began to write the letter. So many things were running through my head- who received her donation? How old are they? Did they know the sacrifice that we faced? Did they know that this donation was the last act of kindness she was able to give? Would she have wanted this? Would she be upset at the choices we made? Would these people be old, young-would they feel thankful or would they take it for granted. I have never thought more about one single living act so much as I have in the last few days and what this meant to me and our family. As a organ donor myself, I never thought that I would be faced with making that choice for my child and I had already made the decision for my family in the event of my own passing. My beliefs have not changed in helping others as the last act of kindness and I am thankful that we were able to at least help a few people in her passing. As I was finishing this letter, I looked outside and on the branch of the tree was a beautiful pigeon bird looking at me. The sighting of a pigeon is most commonly said to represent home and security. It is also believed that spotting a pigeon are considered spirit messengers that carry communication between the worlds of the living and the dead. In that moment, I feel at peace with my letter to the recipients who received a piece of my beautiful daughter. I feel guilty for wishing that I was one of those people who received a piece of her. If only and what ifs....
Letter to recipients-
To the recipient who received the most precious gift of all which is the gift that someone I loved donated a piece of who they were so that others can continue to grow and live on. I appreciate the opportunity to share about our angel. Her name was Sara. I am her mother. She was a 16 year old young girl with her life ahead of her when she passed suddenly. She comes from a very loving and close family. She has a brother and a sister. All about Sara "Bob" Her nickname was “Bob” since she was a very little girl. Sara was amazing from the day she was born. God saved me the day he gave me her. From the moment she was born she was loved. She gave me a reason to live laugh and love. She loved to make people laugh. She liked to help others. She loved Ramen noodles. She loved to bake, not just out of a box but putting all the ingredients together. She loved cupcakes. She loved pancakes. She loved to correct people when they were wrong, she didn't mean too but she couldn't help it she was so darn smart. She was most of the time the smartest person in the room. She loved to draw and doodle. She loved to play the piano even though only her dad ever heard her play. She loved hot tamales as in the candy. She loved penguins. That was her favorite animal in the world. She had a ton of them all over her room. She loved Tinkerbell and collected them. She loved Disney when she was little. She loved scratcher tickets. She love Cos play and anime. She loved Fairy Tail anime. She loved to read. She started reading at the age of 3 and never stopped. She loved Roman and Greek mythology. She loved Harry Potter. She loved her two cats. She loved to play with Legos. She loved to play with play-doh but you couldn't mix the colors. She loved to snuggle with her mommy. She loved that I babied her. She loved to steal my blanket. She loved build a bear. She loved doing stage make up. She loved Stucco. She loved school. She was a natural at being smart. She always pushed herself to get good grades. She loved speaking Spanish. She loved her Auntie Nici and her cousins. She loved seeing her Aunt and Uncle every year in TN. She loved believing in Santa Clause for her little brother. She loved X-mas. She loved all the traditions that we have made over the 15 years. She loved making snicker doodles and sugar cookies every holiday. She loved going to anime conventions. She loved listening to music. She didn't like country but would listen with me anyways. She didn't love pictures but would take them anyways with me. She loved to play with snow. She loved fireworks. She loved watching Monk. She loved watching CSI. She loved the Ren Fest; she always wanted to be a fairy there. She loved doing scavenger hunts. She loved girl scouts. She loved organizing things. She loved couponing with her mom. She loved helping me save money. She loved games on her phone. She loved chopping wood with the ax because it freaked me out. She loved playing with the fire pit. She liked the movie Frozen. She loved her friends. She loved to help them with anything they needed. She was a procrastinator at times. She loved doing gymnastics. She loved Spain and being free. She loved cupcakes!!! She loved collecting markers and sharpie’s. She loved cinnamon coffee cakes. She loved being Elf 1 for Christmas. She loved cinnamon rolls. She loved her dad's chocolate chip cookies. She wasn't into social media. She loved old time type writers. She just got one for Xmas. She loved to hide under the bed and scare Jason. She did not like to do laundry even though she always did help with mine. She loved the movie Catch me if you can. She loved Care bears when she was little. She loved blue’s clues. She loved yellow ducky. She did not like peanut butter at all. She loved anything made out of bread, well almost. She loved playing Minecraft. She loved jumping on mini trampolines. She loved driving the golf cart. She loved hanging out in her room listening to her music. She loved letting me play with her hair. She loved letting me take care of her like she was little because I needed to feel needed. She loved to use her bow like Katniss Everdeen. She loved animals. She loved being free. She loved calling people jerk butts. She liked pink but only when she was little. However recently she like purple, Teal, and Silver as her favorite colors. She also liked black. She loved stealing my oversized hoodies. She didn't like shopping but before she went to Spain she let me take her. We bought her dresses. I loved that memory with her. She wasn't a huge dress wearing person. She was beautiful. I loved her infectious smile. She loved to boop her family on the nose. We called her Rhinoceros Sara. I was Princess Mommy. I loved to call her by her middle name when she was in trouble which was never. Most of the time I used her middle name to let her know I was serious or the mom had spoken. She loved the movie Zoom. She loved milk...like loved it. She would drink Hersey chocolate powder only, no chocolate syrup in her milk. She loved drawing snails. She didn't really like being in big groups of people. She was never mean to people because she didn't like how people had been mean to her growing up. She loved challenging me mentally. She always did things to make me feel better. She was my angel in more ways than one. She didn't care for sports. She loved playing D&. She loved her friends. She loved playing board games. She loved playing rummy cube and I had to cheat to beat her. She loved subway sandwiches-white bread turkey only. She loved Doritos. She loved BBQ Chips Lays only. She didn't like many foods but the ones she loved. She ate a lot of them. She loved Webkinz when she was little. She loved going to Title boxing. She loved learning new things. She didn't like being illogical. She loved helping her friends anytime they needed it. She like playing the game Harry Potter Clue. She won more school academic awards than anyone I know. She won the Spelling Bee 4 years in a row. She loved being smart and being a NERD. She had a 4.7 GPA in school going into her junior year. These are just a few of the things that she loved. I miss her every day of every moment but I do find comfort that she was able to help others as her last act of kindness. I never asked Sara if that was something she would have wanted but at the time of her death, I felt as though if she could help just one person she would have wanted it.
Allison Danielle Doss
Loved on who passed: Sara Renea Prideaux
Date of donation: July 30th (this was the day she passed)