Monday, August 17, 2015

The Anger inside

Today was the first day I woke up alone in the house since the day you left. I got my feet on the floor and to the shower. I could do it. Just one foot at a time. The water scares me and I have to shower with the door open to protect myself from my own fears and my own thoughts. I knew that I needed to get ready for my friend to come over to see me. She would be here any moment. I had to get my shit together. The phone rang and people called but I didn't feel like talking to people while I tried to pick myself off the floor. I spent the morning talking to an old friend who told me that our story helped her to go through her daughters things, She found journals where her daughter had written down negative thoughts and she used Sara's Silence as a door way to talking about feelings, suicide and coping skills. She said that they were talking about Sara at church and using her story to help others. This was the best thing that anyone could do for me is to share Sara's Silence. 

 I have so much on my mind that things may not make sense but this is what I am thinking of. I am struggling with getting my anger under control today. I am angry at myself. I feel as though I let my daughter down. All I have ever known is being a mom. I was a kid raising a kid. I gave her the best that I could. I have known more loss and heartbreak than one person could ever imagine. I lost my dad to suicide at the age of 8, he OD on pills. I overcame the hate. It took me 20 years to stop being angry at him for leaving me. I lost my grandma and best friends within 3 months of each other at the young age of 16. I battled demons and blame. Then I had Sara and she saved me. She was the reason to live. She was the reason to go on and be better. She was the reason I wanted to live. She was the reason I was here on earth. Her dad and I always gave her everything we could. She was our world. She was our everything. She had two bonus parents that loved her and she loved them.  I raised my daughter to care for others by showing her how through my actions and be true to herself. She was the most amazing person I know. She was a perfect blend of all the people who loved her. I AM MAD THAT I DO NOT GET ANY MORE MOMENTS WITH HER. I watch as people take those moments for granted. I want one more I love you. One more hug One more snuggle. ANYTHING. I would give anything to have one more with her. I feel as though I have let her down. I just want to tell her that I will fix it or we can call her dad and he will fix it. We always fixed it for her. There was nothing that we wouldn't do. 

I am going to group meetings and seeking counseling. Today I went to my first EMDR treatment. As I was sitting there we looked over and the lady was wearing a T shirt for her child's school which had a small penguin on it with dog tags. I looked at the lady and told her about Sara and that she loved penguins.I told her that my 16 year old daughter had died and I began to cry.  I was upset that she was there saving her son while I had to say good bye to my daughter. She had signs to get him help and I had nothing.  Treatment was not exactly helpful instead all I found was more anger. More missed memories missed time from her. I was told to picture a place in my mind that I could put all these traumatic memories until I could process them safely. In my mind to create a safe box to put them in. A box that is strong and can handle anything I put in it.  What I found was that I pictured a trash can and then in my mind I beat the FUCK out of it. As I sat there and told the lady, yes I feel calm while I beat the shit out of the dumb thing. I became upset and began to cry.  I have been to more appointments in the last 2 weeks that I can count and nothing is making this nightmare better maybe nothing will. As she finished our appt I found myself becoming so angry I was shaking. I am paying her to provide something....answers anything. You are trained in this shit. Give me one damn good reason my daughter would take her own life.  I asked the lady to help me understand why someone would do this? How could someone who was loved so much leave us? And then I said it out loud....I said that I killed my best friend Sara Ann with a cell phone and now I killed my baby....why I am the one to live? I asked her to explain to me how someone could get to a point that this is an option? Explain to me the pain what does it look like how does it feel? How does one not see the signs that your baby is hurting? How can one suffer in silence? These are the questions that I continue to ask myself as I sit her in agony thinking about her. I have been trying to get through the days and process this horrible what ever you call it. Its worse than hell. Its beyond anything I have ever been through. I cant imagine life without her. I'm lost without her yet trying to create a legacy in her name. There are so many youth today that take their lives and I want Sara's Silence to help them and help parents. No one should have to lose their child. NO ONE. If I have to spend every last breathe I have to save another parent from this hell that will continue to help me get out of bed each day. Someone told me that the worst is over and it will never be any worse that it was July 30th...however I disagree every day is the next worst day. Its a fiery hell that keeps having gas poured onto it. 


My dearest daughter. All my life all I ever wanted was to be your mom and raise you to be the beautiful person you were. Reading all the stories of how you helped people and touched so many lives make me more proud to be your mom. You are always my angel. One day we will be together again. I love you always. I pray every night to see you again and that this nightmare is not my reality. I'm sorry I didn't see your pain. I am proud that we raised a beautiful and talented young lady who inspired people and touched peoples lives. My heart is forever broken. I am not even sure how to go on without you. This I promise....Sara's Silence will be heard and #CelebrateSara will matter!

Hug Kiss Five Muah 


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