Monday, February 6, 2017

Year 2

It feels like its been a century since I have shared my feelings. Lately I feel like if I don't express my feelings that I may have a nervous breakdown. I took some time away from blogging to focus on some deep wounds that I was carrying around with the loss of my daughter and to manage the emotions that I was having with bringing another daughter into this world. I wasn't sure that I was good enough to have another daughter. My broken heart told me that I didn't deserve to be a mom again. Oh how my mind played tricks on me and my emotions during the last 10 months. I remember having mental fights with the thoughts of failure looming into my mind.  I struggled to keep it together constantly being reminded by my own mind how I had failed Sara and how I would fail this daughter as well. Each night as I lay there thinking, how I could have stopped Sara from ending her life if only I would have talked to her about mental health. If only I had made her mental health as important as I did her social and educational needs. If only…The if only’s were like demons set on attacking when my defenses were at the very lowest.  Since I have started this journey I have been faced with fears, doubts and monsters from within that I never thought I would face. With each passing day I am reminded that she is not here with me and with each passing day my heart breaks just that much more. Someone once told me that the 2nd year was harder than the first and I thought this can’t be true. There is no way I can handle worse than what I was facing.  I understand now what they really meant. The pain never goes away. It’s always present but the feelings are different. The pain is joined by other feelings making it worse than the year prior. There is this yearning that eats away at your heart along with the pain. I think that is just builds on to the pain. On top of suffering, you add yearning. I am not sure what the next year will add on to what I am currently handling but I hold on to hope that with each passing day my story helps someone else seek help. I hope that parents make mental health a priority and that children feel empowered to reach out when a friend is struggling. #SPEAKUP #CELEBRATESARA #BREAKTHESILENCE