Sunday, August 23, 2015


Its been building all a wave...building and, rolling, turning over and over I have tried to keep it at bay. I have screamed NO inside my head and GO AWAY. I just cant keep it from hitting me. I know its coming and when it does its going to win. Is there any use in preparing...I have been super sensitive and reactive. Everything someone says makes me upset or angry. Trying to understand that this is part of this process. Process like I am some freaking test case or there is a certain way things should go. I have poured myself into organizing, being totally OCD over paper work. I have sat at the table almost all day trying to find my way. Trying to hold it back. Trying to hold it together. I have redone our entire budget or lack there of and our bills. Pulled out the markers and folders and started being me...well whatever is left of me...Sara and I loved to organize things to the point it would drive people crazy cuz we could do it for hours. We could OCD your cabinets like no ones business and for free. Part of my OCD was to start sorting your items that we have been collecting over the last few weeks. 17 folders are you freaking kidding me. That is all the years I have....1999-2015...I thought about shredding your death certificate as if that would make this nightmare stop...and then it hit me without warning, without any moment to catch my breath....I run to get your head phones....I just can't hear and see it again....

As I sit here shaking at the pain of losing you all over again. The images rush into my mind. I can't keep them out. I just want to hold you and tell you that I can fix it. I always fixed it, you always let me fix it. Why not this time?  That is what moms do. They make things better. The nightmares rush back and tear my heart into shreds all over again. I just don't want to believe that this is true. Of all the things that I have prepared myself for and overcome. I am fighter, that is what we do. We overcome and survive everything that people throw at us. I always said that I had been to hell and back with many scars but that is what made me who I am today. Scars and the fight for you for you to have a good life. We all make mistakes and I am battling mine through all this. I struggle to find the words. To be able to express the wave of emotions that goes through my body and my mind at one time. I find myself tasting the venom on my tongue at the anger. Anger that you would leave me. Leave me in the world to fight without you. Who gave you permission to leave me? I am your mom and it was not your place. We raised you to make your own choices but this is not one that you would make. Not a daughter of mine. Not someone who knew how losing someone would impact the world.  I spend hours thinking about what was going on in that little mind of yours. I try to retrace your steps of your last moments. What did you think? What could I have said instead? What could I have done instead? Did you know that losing you would destroy our world? Was your last thought that you were loved and had lived? Did you think that your life was already served its purpose? How dare you leave me to handle this without you, your hugs and your laughter. You were our world and I don't much like this world without you in it.  My entire life was you and family...all I ever knew for more than half my life was you. You are loved and I pray that every day you hear me scream it at you. Why did you leave us? All those things I didn't say to you. I pray for that moment where I can tell you how proud I am of you again for something you make look easy. For everything you did and all the things you accomplished in your short life.  I don't know how to live without you. I am 34 years old and half my life you were there and now you want me to just figure this shit out on my own. I don't know how. I define myself by being a mom and now I am supposed to be a Suicide Survivor. Well F@CK that. I just want to go back to being a mom. I want to be your mom. I want to watch you grow up. I want to see you smile, cry and yell at me. There are so many wants that I was robbed of. Memories stolen from me and I wasn't ready;

I was a suicide survivor in 1989 with my dad. I survived my own demons in 1998 with losing my friend. You don't survive this. Survivor is a person who copes well with difficulties in their life. I feel like an explosion. I am a violent and destructive, shattering shard of an object that was caused by a bomb. The day you left you sent my world into a million pieces. Every moment I am giving everything that I have to get to the next moment. I am giving 100% of who I am but what I have has been scattered into a million pieces and I can't even begin to locate myself in this messed up reality. 

A single word can make the heart open...I will not be SILENT in this hell. I will SPEAK up. Every moment is a battle and every thought is a new nightmare...Sara knew that she was loved, she new she had tons of people who she could talk to, she had friends, she had tons of family, she had it all, we talked about my dads suicide. It took my 20 years to stop being mad at him for leaving me. She knew all that. She knew that her family would give her anything and do anything for her. She didn't let anyone in. She hid it all her pain from everyone. She felt it was her battle to fight and she choose to fight alone. 

DON'T ASSUME they know how to ask for help or how to open up to talk. Don't assume they have the coping skills to make the right choice. Don't assume everyone who takes their life is depressed and full of issues. Don't assume that since you bring it up once, its a done conversation. Keep talking about those hard conversations. You think talking about sex is tough, at least you can still have those conversations with your babies.  Do your own research on how to have the conversation with your child so that you are prepared not just throwing from the hip. Most teenagers who complete suicide never talk about it from what I have found and things I have looked into. They are great actors and hid it. Almost all of them research how or ideas on how to take their life. These are my findings based on asking those hard questions to other parents who have lost their family to suicide and our own findings. 

Sara's Silence will be heard. SPEAK!!!!!!! Not Squeak!! 


  1. Allie, your last paragraph says it all. We lost my nephew, Nate, to suicide at age 27 and only "saw it coming" in hindsight. We have to educate, learn and as you say...SPEAK!

    1. Oh my Jon. Didn't Nate work with us as an intern one summer?

    2. Yes, Shanna, same Nate. I know many of you remember him. 3 years ago. Thanks for asking. Allie, my sister (Nate's mom) reads your blog and is impressed at your ability to write it. It has to be hard, but, your doing so does matter. Please keep at it.

  2. Allie your blog breaks my heart, but you're right we need to talk about it, put it down in words.