Wednesday, November 28, 2018

The Greatest Regret

It's been a long time since I have blogged. I was getting to a point in my treatment and my therapy that we were able to see more good days then bad...I had finally started to forgive myself....I was finally able to see the good in the world again, I didn't hate everyone and everything like before...and then the rug was pulled out from under me....I feel like its July 30th, 2015 all over again....every small crack that was glued back together was shattered this Monday all over again. When your life stops and its not your choice...and all you can hear is your heart breaking....There is no greater regret than missing a text or phone call from someone who is on the ledge and decides life has lost its meaning. To be the life line and not there for someone....This is beyond understanding....beyond acceptance.... my heart and head are so broken..... This week I lost another loved one to suicide...the father to Sara, a friend to so many...one of the biggest and most stubborn men I know. James, Jim aka Shorty was a fighter...a warrior in all regards of the word. We grew up together, raised a child together, loved together and lost together....while we had many many disagreements we always agreed that Sara was created out of love and with her life was meaning and had purpose. We didn't deserve the hand that was dealt to us. We didn't deserve anything that happened over the last 3 years. Suicide shatters lives and it feels like dropping a bomb into a room with everyone you love. Some will survive but everyone will forever be altered. The loss of Sara was the single worst thing I have ever gone through. I am still not over it. You never get over it. I lost my best friend and my little girl.  I have just been crawling through this huge pile of shit covered in fire.Going to therapy and support groups just to find the ability to breath...Just when I felt like I was going to be able to stand up, I was given another huge pile of grief and regret to carry. The thousand pounds of grief I was already carrying has now tripled in weight and hurt. Its like adding explosives to my already broken existence and watching it burn. What were you thinking....why....why this time...what was the tipping point....you survived 3 years living on life support....Life support is how I describe the feeling of losing a child. You are doing everything to just keep breathing. Every day is a new day to fight through and keep your head up..its not easy it's hard and scary for those whom love you...Its a constant battle inside your every existence...you keep pushing through. James, you decided to take yourself off of  life support. You decided that your life wasn't living...I know what it feels like to feel the loss day in and day out... the heart break... the yearning to see your loved one. The irreplaceable hole in your life and heart. DAMN YOU!!!! You were not supposed to leave me with all this guilt and heartbreak...who will remind me that its not my fault and that you don't blame me???? Who will help me remember all the good times when Sara was little?? Who will help me keep her all those memories alive!!!!I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be that poor girl who everyone looks at with such sadness..since when was it ok to just leave me? You promised me! You told me you would stay!!!! Stay Gold Pony Boy!! Remember we had a DEAL!!!! You told me you didn't want to die! You told me you would always be here! You took all of this from me and for that I am so angry at you. I am so mad that left me like she did. Your life support was NOT OUT! It was not your time! I am angry at you! I am allowed to be angry and mad at you! I am allowed to yell and scream at you!!! What you did has hurt so many people who loved you! I don't blame you for missing Sara, I don't blame you for being sad and losing the want to live....I am so heartbroken you left the way you did....So many questions...so many unanswered questions...FUCK! Who will text me back the same words and understand what it means! I want to scream at you! I want to hit you! Who will help me remember her passwords!!!! Seriously!!! I have now lost access to her stuff...all of it....you kept access to that for us!!! Who will share pictures and memories that I have long forgotten!!! I have so many feelings and things left to say that went unsaid....Do you know how much of an amazing dad you were? Do you know what an awesome friend you were? Do you know how many people cared about you!!!!! I hate that the pain became more than your want to live. I hate that your life has ended. I hate that you left me to carry this all! I am so mad and sad and broken. I am so afraid to fail with how I am suppose to react or not react. I don't want to be strong and just move on....I don't want to just forget...I can't. You were apart of 20+ years of my life. This choice that you made impacts so much and so many. You knew the nightmares I faced!!! I'm so angry that you would do this to the ones who loved you! They say that grief has many stages...this adds so much more levels of grief and sorrow. I'm afraid to revert back in my grief process...who will help me decide what to do with her ashes....so many questions....people I care about keep leaving me..giving me the ultimate FUCK YOU....how will I ever feel secure about anything....I'm already afraid of EVERYTHING!!! Guilt is hard to fight day after day!!!! I don't want to disappoint the people who love me but I feel like I have failed you so why would I not fail all of them as well. I am TIRED of being broken, sad, and exhausted with our lives being smothered in death by choice. I am tired of life handing me shit! I'm tired being broken beyond repair....I'm so shattered by how our lives have played out....We deserved a better life....we deserved to be happy....we didn't deserve this...I spent the last 3 years trying to save others while climbing out of the fiery depths of my OWN HELL...being the voice for the voiceless...being strong for the weak....being courageous regardless of the fears I faced daily....fighting my own demons to get better...to fight through the flashbacks and nightmares....to have you walk out of our lives like you did....I'm so angry with you! I don't care how anyone feels about me saying it! I am angry with you! I want to hate you right now! I want to look you in the face and tell you how much you hurt me! How much damage you have done again when you promised me! You told me you would always be here to help carry the burden to help me through....I am so sorry that your heart was broken beyond repair. I am so sorry that love could not heal our wounds...I'm sorry that Sara left us both. I hope that you are at peace and you are no longer hurting. I pray that you feel no more pain and sorrow but most of all...I pray for the living that you left behind...I pray for your family and mine. I pray that this cycle stops and does not continue. I pray that no one else's family walks in the same shoes that we are faced to walk in. I pray that my heart finds a way to forgive. I pray my heart finds healing and hope again! You will be missed and never forgotten! James Michael may you fly high with the angels...may you give our daughter the biggest hug from me, may you find peace and love...always...

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