Forever in the dark fighting to see the light

This week has been filled with such panic and stress I am not even sure how to put it into words but I will try. I have struggled more this week than in other weeks. Every breathe is a huge effort to keep going to keep present to keep going to keep fighting to feel. Everything sets me into an emotional overflow and panic attack. They talk about grief hitting you in different waves, this week I have been hit with wave after wave. I feel like I am drowning over and over. Every day I push to get to the next minute without having a melt down. Some times I don't know how to reach out for me. I speak for Sara but I find myself struggling with being my own voice.  I haven’t been blogging this week because I have been overwhelmed with life in general. On top of trying to learn a new job, grieving, being a wife, being a bonus mom, a friend, a sister, a daughter, the normal day to day things on top of  shirts/band orders and the memorial events. It’s been just too much for me to hold everything together. It's my own fault for doing what I do and take on too much. I always have been the person who never says its too much or enough is enough. I am not used to failing unless I decided OPT B wasn't failing, it was just picking a different outcome. This situation that I am in, I have no option to pick something else for her so I am often incapable of seeing other options of letting people help. It takes a lot for me to trust someone to help me these days to handle it the way I want; to no fault of theirs. Those are my insecurities. I have so many since she left. The fear of being abandoned by someone else I love. There is nothing that I can do to impact her choice. This time it’s final. Since she left me to fight the world alone and without her voice, I have to be her voice and my voice. I have to keep fighting to make a change in the world. So everything that is done in Sara's honor, I want it to be done in a way that she would want and no one knows better than me her mom. What I want is her here with me, though that will never happen but I will never stop wanting her here on Earth with me. No matter what good or difference I do in the world, she will never be here to see it and that was a hard thing to take in this week. I am used to fighting for others. I am used to this nightmare being someone else’s.  While I may save the lives of others and I may save others from knowing this depth of hell, let’s be real...I didn't save my daughter and I couldn't save me from being collateral damage but I WASN’T GIVEN THE CHANCE!

 As the days go on and the lives go on around me, I am thankful that what I am doing is making a difference but at the cost of something that I was not willing to give up. It cripples every ounce of who I am to know that no matter what good I do in the world won’t change all the horrifying things I have seen or the ultimate loss I have suffered. I have always been told that its my heart that attracted people to me, my giving nature to fix people and things, my rock I’ve got your back personality, my strength that I help people find, and those “parts” of who I was is trying to hold on for dear life but it feels like I will spend forever in the dark fighting to see the light. Blogging helps me to tell others about my nightmares and it helps them know that they need to talk about these things. I cannot tell you how many times I get told "Oh that would never be my child" First those words would have probably been my words too, if I wasn't where I am today and second I think, you’re an ASS for putting my beautiful smart happy adorable little girl into some category like her life and the lives of every child is something that you are exempt from. So I try to be understanding where you are coming from before I start the overreaction of my mouth.  But please do not be naïve to the realistic possibility that this could be your life. I would not wish this life on my worst enemy. Sara did not show me that she was struggling to the point of taking her life. She was terrified of pain. She was afraid of everything. She wouldn’t even kill a bug. Once she stood in her room for 2 hours until I came home to kill the spider. She wouldn’t move because she was afraid to lose sight of it, once I walked in the room she ran off screaming.  The day she ended her life, she felt that she had no other way out. She was struggling inside the one place I couldn’t see. I would have done anything to help her. I would have stopped breathing just to save her. I would do anything to change that day. So again I urge people to talk and ask those questions. Know the signs and symptoms and reach out when needed. Educate your children to know those signs and to speak up. If their friends are having those conversations, then they need to be reaching out to an adult…any conversation should be taken seriously. Your children regardless of if you decide to have the conversation will hear it some from someone. Hell suicide is in over 1600 movies. I would give anything to be able to ask Sara if she was suicidal or if she wanted to die...at least give me the chance to save her. I was not given the chance. She didn't share that part of her with me and she shared everything boys, girls, friends, homework stress, she shared. What I have learned is that she struggled with her depression and anxiety for years unknown to her family and friends. What I learned it that sharing her story will save others and sharing my story will help others to break the silence. Speak up and talk to people. Be kind to those around you. You never know what people are facing from day. I will spend forever in the dark fighting to see the light but I will continue to fight. 

SPEAK on behalf of all the children who have lost the battle they fought in their heads. If we stand together, we will be unbroken. We can not fight in silence anymore, we must stand together and speak up!!! I want to help bring awareness to give people a fighting chance.