SLEEP WHO CARES

Sleep is part of normal life and grieving people often find that sleep allows them to escape there nightmare reality. Most of the time I don't sleep enough to have a dream let alone on that isn’t attacking every ounce of my soul...however last night I had a dream last night where she came to me but I cannot remember what was said or done. All I remember is that my brother Tony was in the dream and she was talking to us. God I wish I could remember what she said. It was like she was telling me something important.  I am not sure what was said and it’s bugging me. I wish I could remember. I am sure it was just me wishing for her to come to me but I would take it at this point. I know that I only slept for a few hours and that once I woke up from the dream I instantly remembered that she was in my dream. I woke up feeling lost...searching for what I was dreaming about...most nights are filled with endless tossing and turning...there isn't a night these days that isn’t filled with regrets and prayers asking to wake up from this nightmare but every day...I wake up to the same nightmare that was the day before. It never fails...no one comes equipped to handle a loss such as this. I am certain that I would have bet my life that this would not be my reality. The reality is that it is and it will never change. I don't get to close my eyes and try to undo what was done the next day...there are no I'm sorry's to be said or let me help you with this to be done...The only that I have left is to try to make a difference in the world that she left behind. I struggle with that even. I used to dream of the future and what it would look like and now I can only handle the day to day moments. Each morning I have to force myself to get out of bed and face the horror. Each morning I have to make a choice to breathe and to live. Someone told me that 'She wouldn't want you to live like this or think like that." Well I agree that she didn't take this action to hurt me but the reality is that it did. Her actions tore my world upside down. I don't know how to live without her. It’s a matter of fact. I belong to groups of people who are like me and share in this horrific reality and there are some who still struggle after 25 years. It never goes away...never...Its a life sentence of pain, sadness, and levels of grief that no one comes equipped to handle. I have moments where thoughts enter my mind that are sad...I often wonder how long I will live with the heart break inside...I wonder if I became sick would I have the fight to go on...I wonder what tomorrow holds for me as I cannot see past today...sometimes I am afraid of the future because she is not in mine anymore. I struggle every day with thoughts. They say the 2nd year is worse than the first year and I can’t even imagine it being any worse than it is right now.  Every day I pray for the strength to endure, the courage to overcome and the heart to forgive myself. Every day I pray that I have the courage to go on and I pray that I have the strength to reach another life. Every day I pray that I find the heart of someone who is hurting and my words and her story talks them back to us. I search for ways to reach others and the words to actually do some good. Firecracker Allie doesn't always make friends. My strong personality can be well strong. My loss is great and my heart is broken...pieces of my former self are all that is left...yet I fight...fight to breathe fight to hold steady...fight to educate those who are not aware. Do not fear what you do not understand...If you find out that someone is suicidal...what would you do? What would you say? Do you know what to say? Are you afraid to ask those hard questions? I just want to get the word out...I am still really numb most days but slowly realizing that she is never coming home...It takes an intense amount of courage to keep going and it takes an intense amount of courage to face each day standing up against mental illness. I feel as though I have been robbed of moments and memories that were rightfully mine to see and enjoy. I feel as though I have to make sure that every life lost to suicide is heard and matters. Thank you for sharing and reading about my journey.