Suicide Shatters

It's over a week since I’ve really gotten into blogging and I have definitely missed it. I've been very busy and occupied with organizing and verifying T-shirt orders to honor Sara's memory and having up and downs of emotions. The waves of grief have been so out of my control. I am not used to out of control and I am there every day over and over. Swirling around in this place they call life. Last week I struggled to have a shirt that speaks to others, to have a shirt that brings awareness and raise money to make a difference in her honor. All the things in my life I've never wanted to do…I've never been so passionate about joining a cause… I've never been so passionate about making sure that Sara's story is heard.. I've never been so passionate about making a difference for two angels...Sara and Jason. I have been kind of join me or I will leave you behind kind of mood. Either you are in this fight with me or don't get in my way.   I am told that I am strong and that I help others but I faced demons every day. Nothing makes me different, I don't feel strong some days.  I make the choice to remind people that though I'm facing my darkest hour every minute of every day, I make the choice to hold on to hope and a hold steady. I make the choice to live. There are some who wish that I would just go away and stop standing up because it hard to talk about and its hard to see the pain.  When I first heard that I would not only face the loss of Sara but I would loss friends and family in this battle, I was shocked and thought not me. Not my family and friends. But I have lost friends/family in the short time since her death but gained a few family members admits this tragedy. I have learned it’s those who stand with you in the fire, not those who run from it that mean a lot to me. It’s the worst thing I have ever experienced. Someone told  me to sit around the house and just be sad…as you know everyone grieves in their own way and I cannot sit idle back. I will allow myself moments when I need to but I will not be silence to save them from feeling uncomfortable. I have fought my life for everything that I have. I have fought and protected it. I try to explain grief to people who have never lost somebody and they can’t understand and I don’t want them to.  Losing your child grief is a wicked bitch who takes everything from you when you have nothing left to give. If you ever seen the movie twilight where they for Bella becomes a vampire she has certain senses and after she becomes a vampire those senses are highlighted and amplified. That is how I can explain grief to somebody…take everything that I did prior and amplify it by hundred thousand million percent. Everything about me is different and more complex. My anxiety is off the charts, my anger is out of this world, my heart feels like its constantly open and breaking, and know that I am giving everything I can to be present every day. I had anxiety before but it's nothing like it is now. I was afraid of certain things before and now those things cripple me. Load noises send me into a panic situation. I used to be able to remember every moment of every day and everything somebody said and now I struggle to remember her voice….I struggle to remember her touch…I struggle to remember her. Every day is a constant battle of wanting to remember her or a moment or a memory and trying to make sure that her legacy is heard. I need to see that her life matters. Dealing with grief I have found that I like to read.  I read something the other day were somebody was having a hard time with the loss of a loved one and they kept telling the story over and over and over again and somebody asked the person but how did they live? How did their life impact those around them? And it's those questions that I hold onto when it feels like I'm the only one fighting and I'm the only one hurting which I know isn't true but grief makes you feel all alone in the world. You need a constant reminder that you are being thought of and that people are praying for you and that people care because losing a child or anyone you love to suicide feels like the ultimate rejection and betrayal. You start to worry that you will lose someone else you love. Anytime someone reaches out is somebody reaching out to you and say that they've got your back there holding you up if you need them. Sometimes you reply and sometimes you don't have the energy because you've spent the day battling and trying to get to the next moment. Grief is like being in a concentration camp it's a constant relentless horrific tragic and all-around the worst thing you could ever imagine to go through your head over and over and over again. It's the worst torture one human could go through and add to guilt to that already mix of emotions and that is a perfect combination for the fight of your life. While you fight every day you struggle sharing your nightmare and making that difference in a way that is received the proper way. But seriously if one more person says “oh that would not be my child” I may start wearing a big sign and ur an idiot and an ass, if you think of this can’t happen to you. That statement indicates to me that you think I deserved this in anyway shape or form. (Grief bitch that makes things sound horrible to the person hearing them FYI) Sara came from a good home, a loving home, nobody deserves this!!!! She deserves a life, she deserves to be protected, she deserves so much more... when you look at me in the face and you say those words, I want you to think really hard about those words because if you think you're exempt I sure hope and pray that you are right OR  you could have a conversation about it with someone just in case you can be the voice of reason to save someone...Adults and kids struggle. I struggle every day.  As Americans if we don’t talk about it openly, we are failing at bringing awareness and encouraging people to hide behind what’s ailing them. Just because we can't see it doesn't mean it isn't real. How would you like if someone challenged your beliefs in God or supernatural or whatever you believe in? Think about it…challenging somebody with a mental illness and telling them that it doesn't exist when you don't know.  You don't walk a mile in their shoes every day, and I don’t want anyone else to walk in these shoes of mine. I do walk miles and miles in my shoes every day. I didn’t know what it felt like to live with them until now. I do know what it is like to fight for every breath that I take, to feel helpless, to keep fighting, to keep pushing those people who try to hold me down.  If you learn anything from me it’s that we should talk about mental health and mental illness. You should continue to have those conversations until they are no longer feeling awkward or taboo. Also, please be kind to those around you. You never know what they are facing. So again and again, I ask you to speak up and talk to your kids, talk to people who are around you....you never know if your words can save one person! Suicide shattered our world...