I felt her

Sunday night 11/8/2015, I dreamt of her. This was the dream that I was waiting for. I just wanted to see her face again and not in a picture.  I was in my dream her dad was coming to pick something up of hers from the house or give me something I can't remember which one but he was upset about it being wet. The stuffed animal of some sort was wet. I don't know how or why. As I turned around she was there...she looked beautiful!!!! She looked like nothing was wrong, not like the last time I saw her face. Not like my nightmares before. I noticed she was a little taller. I believe she was in jeans and a yellow shirt. She gave me the biggest hug and in my ear she said I love you mom! I heard it clear as I am breathing right now. She said I miss you and I'm sorry. I didn't yell at her. I didn't even want to.  I just hugged her...it felt like the best hug. It felt real.  I remember her saying something about the score 3 and that she should've been ok with her 3. What many may not know is that Sara received a test score before she passed and it was not the score she wanted. She didn't tell any of us that we had to find that out through digging and searching after her death. In the dream she went and sat in a chair in the living room with her phone and I remember trying to take a picture saying that no one will believe me that you are here and she looked at me and said "mom you can't take a picture here." I said out loud "no one will believe me that you are here I need to take a picture" she looked up and she smiled and she had the most gorgeous smile in the world. Oh how I longed for that smile again. I woke up feeling like this had all been a bad dream and that she was going to be in her bed. That my nightmare that I was living was about to be over...yet that was not the case. For a moment, I felt safe again. For a moment, I felt like this was all a big lie...and then the reality demons hit me...so I tried desperately to go back to sleep. All I wanted was to see her face. To see her again. To be with her. Sleep I kept telling myself sleep damn it. I begged the air to allow me to sleep again. I begged her to wait just a little longer for me to meet her in my dream again. I asked her not to go...to no luck I was not able to get back to sleep and I spent the day with a very heavy heart...I will continue to believe that it was her in the dream and she came to me to help me find something. She gave me the courage to keep going.  However this next dream was one that I am still analyzing as I sit here...


Monday night, I was excited to go to sleep in hopes that Sara would come back and talk to me so that maybe I could get some more answers from her. Maybe then I could understand why and how I failed her but understanding doesn't bring her back. Nor does taking the blame for her actions. Acceptance isn't something that I can offer her. There will never be a time that I will be okay with losing my daughter. Never will there be a time that my heart beating longer that hers will ever be okay...never...never...never...as I laid down to bed I tried to clear my mind and be open to whatever came to me...I surprised to wake up to another dream with someone I loved being in it...someone who was also an angel...however this dream had my grandmother in it. Not a big deal except this grandma died when I was 16 years old and never not once have I dreamt of her until now. Last night Grandma Williams came to me but it wasn't like she was talking to me like Sara did. Sara hugged me and told me that she loved me.  This was clearly something else and it means something. I'm not sure what. In the dream I was in her old house off of 24 HWY in MO. In the dream, I needed to take a shower for some reason. After Sara died, showers were a button for me. Hearing water would send me into a full on panic attack rendering me useless for the next 12 hours. However in the dream, water was no issue for me.  Someone kept telling me to hurry that grandma didn't have much time but in my mind I needed to finish this shower. Grandma was going to help me understand something. Turns out that she was trying to help me understand irrational numbers or irrational fears. I'm not really clear on the message of this dream. In the middle of her talking to me in her bedroom of her house, I hopped up and went to get my cell phone out of the shower.  It was wrapped in the shower curtain. In the bathroom there was two showers one being like the old claw tubs.This did not look like any bathroom I have ever seen.  I remember in the dream stepping out of one tub into the other but no clue why. It was like each tub had a separate purpose. I remember that grandma was going to tutor me in math with something irrational. She looked amazing as the last day I saw her alive. Never since her death in 1998 has she come to me. I have no idea what this dream means or why my grandma is coming to me after all this time. I can only guess its because they can see the horror I face every day and are trying to help keep me grounded to this place.


I have never dealt with loss of this magnitude so I am not prepared to understand what I can not see or feel. However I can only hope that tonight I will have another dream to help bridge some of the gaps that I have with things. I feel like I will spend forever in the dark fighting to see the light.

Thank you for reading my story...for sharing my story and for supporting me in my fight to make a difference in the world in Sara's honor. It was overwhelming see how many hits my blog has gotten. I can only hope and pray that my tragedy is turning people upside down and inside out when it comes to talking about brain health.  If talking about this makes you uncomfortable, then keep trying. Keep talking until it becomes easier for you and those around you. You never know when someone is in the fight of there life.

SPEAK!!!!!!!!!!!