Since Sara died I've experienced so many symptoms of PTSD. Who would know what PTSD is and how it effects those around you, not me. I thought this was something that only soldiers can get and well I am no soldier. I was a mom, a daughter, a wife, a friend, a sister, a happy life which was all shattered that evening of July 30th. Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder can be terrifying. They may disrupt your life and make it hard to continue with your daily activities. It may be hard just to get through the day. I suffer from almost all the symptoms of PTSD. So much trauma has gone on in my 5'5 120 pound body. Things that I was unaware that I was doing until somebody pointed them out. I would shake uncontrollably. I would have these nervous ticks where I would pick at my nails or I would flick my wrist with my ponytail holder. Most of the time I was unaware that I was doing it but it allowed me to find some sort of grounding in the world where I struggled to find it. I felt numb. Beyond the flashbacks crippling me, I think the worst was the uncontrollable shaking that occurred I couldn't keep my hands still if you asked me to. The burning sensation that took over my chest and my stomach was crippling and I couldn't eat. There were days that I would go without food because I couldn't handle how the food felt in my stomach. Finding help was hard...finding the right person to talk to...finding the right treatment...I'm not sure where I would be if I didn't have an army behind me supporting and pushing me along the way. It's nothing short of a miracle that I am here today fighting for every step and every moment on this earth without her Over the last few months my faith has been challenged. Every essence of who I am has been pushed far beyond anything I've ever experienced. I feel like I have been to hell and back but yet this journey is far worse than I've ever known.This journey is one that I'm not equipped to handle. This journey no mother, father, friend grandparent, aunt, uncle should have to deal with this way...this journey no one should have to walk in. The day Sara died, more than one life was lost that day...my life which ultimately impacts everybody who knows me and everybody who knew her. It's not without every ounce and every essence of who I am that I'm able to stand here today fighting in her honor. It's with the help of a fantastic therapist and a amazing support group that I have been blessed to be a part of that I am still here holding on. My own therapy is what you are reading here and now. While I will tell you how much I love my family and how supportive they are the truth of the matter is that they walk the same shoes that I walk in and their weight is far too much for me to bear. I am where I am right now today because I made a choice to find help. I made a choice to ask people who came before me what they did in order to survive. I needed to know the secret path in this hell. That is where I learned about EMDR therapy and where I learned that there are no rules in grief. No one can judge me but God himself and to be honest God is not my favorite person right now. Therapy has been good and bad for me. Therapy allows me to face my flashbacks under supervision but it also forces me to face those same demons over and over again to the point of total exhaustion. Some days that therapy takes everything I am leaving pieces behind. I know that it's beneficial and I've seen the changes that it has taken just in a few short weeks but facing those demons over and over without relief. I used to have these buttons that were more intense and they were debilitating when I heard sirens or water, I froze, my heart started razing, and the total melt down would commence. It would ruin the rest of my day. I wouldn't be able to do anything else but cry. It was like seeing the scene all over again. There was no stopping it. It was like a Tsunami coming down on my head. Those buttons would trigger a catastrophic emotional devastation all over again leaving me ill-equipped and ill prepared to even open my eyes. It presents a problem when hear sirens or water. You become frozen in fear, frozen incapable of doing anything, incapable of pushing on the brake pedal, incapable anything. After months of EMDR, my reactions are must less than they were. I still get anxious when I hear sirens but thanks to my treatment it is less reaction. I didn't say no reaction just less. I am able to manage it. I have learned additional coping skills and mechanisms that will allow me to self calm without self medicating but there are times that self-medication has to take place. I have no other choice...grief wins...PTSD wins...trauma wins. I lose the will and the ability to overcome and it's in those moments where family and friends help because I reach out and allow them to help me. I'm not afraid or ashamed to reach out for help and put all my struggles out there. I know people don't want to hear about other people's drama because everybody's facing their own but I assure you it can always be worse, even I know that. People always tell me that they can't imagine what I'm going through and I don't want them to but I don't downplay anybody's hell, my hell is my hell, you're hell is your hell, everybody has their own version. Everybody is forced to face things that they feel ill equipped for. I never thought I would face this and I never thought I would need to be ill-equipped to battle some of the biggest demons I've ever handled but I'm trying and I'm fighting every day. I fight for her and I fight for me. I speak out and want to break the silence. I want to be a part of the solution not the problem. While I may not be everyone's favorite guest speaker, neither was Martin Luther King. Do you think that he stopped after the first white person disagreed with his vision. No he didn't. He continued to fight for the things that he believed in and made changes in the world for the better. He stood against and fought in a time where not many changes happened easy or without issues but he never backed down. As I live and breathe, I will continue to fight so that no human decides that suicide is only choice. I have a dream where we are not judge by the things in our brain but lifted up and carried when the weight becomes to much to bear. So I continue to challenge you to SPEAK. Break the Silence which will help Break the Stigma. You can do this. Just start the conversation.
SPEAK!!!!!!!!!
Suicide Prevention Education Awareness for Kids
PTSD symptoms usually start soon after the traumatic event, but they may not happen until months or years later. They also may come and go over many years.
There are four types of symptoms:
Reliving the event
Bad memories of the traumatic event can come back at any time. You may feel the same fear and horror you did when the event took place. You may feel like you're going through the event again. This is called a flashback. Sometimes there is a trigger: a sound or sight that causes you to relive the event. Triggers might include:
- Hearing a car backfire
- Seeing a car accident,
- Seeing a news report of a sexual assault
Avoiding situations that remind you of the event
You may try to avoid situations or people that trigger memories of the traumatic event. You may even avoid talking or thinking about the event.
- A person who was in an earthquake may avoid watching television shows or movies in which there are earthquakes.
- A person who was robbed at gunpoint while ordering at a hamburger drive-in may avoid fast-food restaurants.
- Some people may keep very busy or avoid seeking help. This keeps them from having to think or talk about the event.
You may find it hard to express your feelings. This is another way to avoid memories.
- You may not have positive or loving feelings toward other people and may stay away from relationships.
- You may not be interested in activities that you enjoyed in the past.
- You may forget about parts of the traumatic event or not be able to talk about them.
Feeling keyed up
You may be alert and on the lookout for danger. This is known as increased emotional arousal. It can cause you to:
- Suddenly become angry or irritable.
- Have a hard time sleeping.
- Have trouble concentrating.
- Fear for your safety and always feel on guard.
- Be very startled when someone surprises you.
Other symptoms
Other symptoms also may include:
- Physical symptoms for no reason you can think of (called somatic complaints).
- Feelings of shame, despair, or hopelessness.
- Difficulty controlling your emotions.
- Problems with family or friends.
- Impulsive or self-destructive behavior.
- Changed beliefs or changed personality traits.
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