3 months ago

This weekend marks 90 horrible days…3 months since she passed...2160 hours of hell...hours filled with questions and confusion...answers I will never get... Having a tough time trying to understand how such a bright child could decide to end her life...she was in the top of her class. She spoke 2 languages fluently.  Her GPA was 4.7. There is no way I could even come close to being that smart and gifted as she was. I feel as though her potential was just lost. That the world has lost someone great and they don’t even see the loss at this time. The magnitude of losing her is so huge…someone who would have made a difference in the world and someone who already did in the 16 years and 10 days of her short life. I can’t figure out what went wrong. I can’t figure out what I did to miss the signs. I can’t figure out how this could be my new life, a life without her in it. Of all the things that I had imagined in my life, this is not one of the top 100 that I would have picked or guessed. I was never given the opportunity to save her. I was never given the chance to show her that the world was worth staying here and that HS is just a moment in life. After HS is can get better. Life does become better. I didn’t get the chance because she didn't let me know or I didn’t ask the right questions. I assumed her signs were normal teenager behavior. At what point did I go wrong? I find myself questioning everything I said and did over the last 16 years of her life. I play back the last days before she passed looking for anything and everything that I may have missed. I find myself taken over by the what-ifs demons. When I look at the demons I faced as a child compared to hers...She had everything. I didn't even get a warning.  No signs were given that I saw? I find myself questioning things I said, things I didn’t say and why didn’t I say them or why didn’t I do something different...This is why I tell everyone about her and me. So that they find the courage to have those hard conversations and so they ask those questions. 

I feel so lost and don't understand what happened that day. I mean I know that she is gone because of a gun shot to the head but how? How did this become an option? How are kids thinking that this is a choice? How does one not see that this option to end one’s life will also shatter those around them…I am collateral damage of suicide. I protected her from everything but herself. I can't understand it!!!!! I'm so lost without her. I can't find feelings other than anger and hurt. I read that it never gets better then why keep going? Is this how she felt? I used to love life and live for moments. Now I live for the moment to join her where ever she is. My faith has been turned upside down. My life has been turn upside down. Do I want to die, No. I don’t want to die, I have a lot of fight left in me...But living without her feels like a death sentence. They say grief has no time line…but society often puts pressure on people to move on or at least stop talking about it. When you talk about your loved one, people are often left feeling uncomfortable and so they stop asking you about them. I am thankful that I have the best support group out there from family and friends and strangers but sometimes you still feel alone in the world. Sometimes you are not able to be the rock that you once were. I have always been the rock for my family and friends. I have always been able to fix things and I cannot fix this. I cannot fix me. The rock that I once was is shattered into a million pieces and spread across time and space. There will never be a day that I am whole again...until I see her face and hold her again. I find myself struggling with being present and being able to help those around me when I feel so lost myself. Sometimes others worries are just too heavy to carry. Sometimes all I can do is be present and breathing. I have thoughts that I would like my heart to stop beating as hers has but I know what pain that will cause. Do I want to die…No I do not want to die. Do I have bad moments...yes we all do. I want to make a difference in her honor so I am transparent and raw. You get all of me and what I am thinking. No filter. I want people to remember that little girl for the rest of their lives. So what do I do…I fight. I fight for everyone who is struggling and for everyone who walks in this nightmare. So that they know they are not alone. As I am reminded by friends, family, and strangers that I am not alone even when I feel alone. I am not alone. I am reminded that I have lots of people supporting me and ready to reach out if I fall. I am thankful that I have those people even if I feel alone sometimes. Please remember to SPEAK up and talk to people. Share my story. Share Sara's silence in hopes that it helps someone not feel alone. Support the cause when you wear the SPEAK UP shirts or bands. Please take time to share my blog as you never know who life it could save. Hold steady!!!!!