One month mark

You get to the point that you just want to pretend like you are on vacation or somewhere else. Just not here walking in this hell. You allow your mind to play tricks on you from time to time. You find yourself pretending that just for a minute the worst is not real. Just for a minute you allow yourself to think that they are at grandma’s or at a friend’s house, anywhere but dead. Then you start logically thinking again...and realize that there is nothing that you can do to bring her back. Nothing! You wish for one more anything. As the one month approaches...you are still in a fog. You are still thinking at some point this nightmare is not going to be real. Your new different isn't better. I find myself having an array of emotions at any time. I can be angry and happy in the same sentence. What you always feel is empty. There is this empty space that now fills your heart. It literally feels like a gaping wound in your chest all the time. Nothing fills it and nothing can. It will forever be empty. It will forever be missing.

Suicide is a choice that someone makes to end what they feel at that very moment. It's one of many solutions to a problem, well here is my problem with that…One simple action has turned upside down the lives of more people that I can name. Every day I struggle with holding me together. Let alone holding those around me up but I know that there are people who knew Sara that will forever be different. They will forever be changed.

Before my life was normal. We were living my dream. We had 2 houses, 2 nice cars, good jobs, great friends, 2 dogs, 2 cats and 2 amazing kids. We did school functions and friends from time to time. All in all it was the perfect life. We enjoyed life and we had fun. After suicide life is forever changed with therapy sessions, with medications, with pain, with guilt, with doubts of your own survival, with confusion, with anger, with fear, with anxiety, Talk about a book of issues and chapters left undone. I am a mess more than I am ok. While I will not try to explain the mind of someone who wants to end their lives, I can explain the impact of those choices.

I can speak from my heart and share with you how your one choice does affect the lives of those around you. Anyone who says that they are better off should read my story over and over. Am I really better off? My minutes are spent crying and trying to hold together what is left. My days are plagued with sorrow and guilt. My weeks are now consumed by therapy and groups to help me understand what I might have missed that made you do this. My month was spent counting since the last time I saw your face. There is a constant and unrelenting pain that goes from the chest to my neck all the time. It never stops! Never! It burns all the time regardless of what medicine I have taken to help. You find yourself emotionally and financially drained. How does one work with the loss of a child? How does one just go back to work when all you do is want to figure out how to take the next breathe. They give you 5 days paid for the loss of a child, really 5 days to get myself back to functioning.  That is a joke. You can’t figure out how to get out of bed let alone to work. When you suffer a loss such as this, you don’t function like you would normally. You find yourself forgetting everything. I have about 10% of the mind power that I used to.

Emotions are all over the place. A word can set you off, a sound, a smell, for me we have found that it’s all of them. I have many "triggers" now. Triggers are a specific thing that sets me into a panic attack or full blown PTSD moment. My triggers that we have learned about since the day she died are loud noises and sirens. A loud noise can send me whirling out of control. Sirens take me back to that night instantly. That feeling of hopelessness. Screaming in my head for them to help her. Feeling of total hopelessness and loss all over again with the same pain as the first night.

I shake all the time now. I am afraid all the time. I fear losing someone else that I care about. I fear that missing her will consume me. I fear that no one will talk about her. I fear that people will forget about her. I fear that I will not be able to help someone else. I live in constant fear. I am fear driving sometimes. I fear that I will not make it through this. I fear my own thoughts some days.  I went from a confident driven woman to a child who always afraid and enduring more pain that can be processed.

I think we all do now. People who lose a loved one to suicide causes a Tsunami. It touches everyone and everything in its path. No one is unharmed when someone takes their life. I find myself thinking about ways to help others. Ways to save other moms from feeling this way...how many others have been in my shoes? How many others have shared their horrors, there inner most demons, while I am not sure what impact I will ever have…if I can save just one mom from losing their baby then it’s worth it.

Sara’s choose to remain silent about her struggles. She didn’t want to burden anyone with what was going on inside. Her struggles that she kept silent projected and multiplied into the lives of those who loved her. If you are struggling with anything, you need to speak up. You need to tell someone if are having a bad day. If you see that someone is struggling, take a moment to ask if they need to talk. It may be the one moment that changes someone’s choice to die.

Sara,

It’s been one month since I last saw your face and heard your laugh. I miss you every day of every moment. I love you forever and always. I can’t wait for the day that I get to see you again. I love you.

Hug Kiss Five Muah

Mommy