One day at a time...is harder than you think

Today I was able to get out of bed. Get showered and hold myself together for the most part.  My mom and dad stopped by to drop off a few things and it was nice to see them. Checking my sanity levels I am sure.  My "Bestie"stopped by to take me to run errands. Driving can be a struggle at times these days when you are not the most logical.  We have been family since we were 12 years old. We are more sisters than friends and she flexed some time to help me out which was just what I needed. We needed to mail Tony and Brooke a CD from the #CelebrateSara service and return some clothes that she didn't ever get to wear back to the store. The post office went well however when the lady at the store asked me why I was returning the clothes, I couldn't help but cry as I told her my daughter had passed away and she never wore them and wouldn't be needing them now. I felt the wave of emotion come over me. Do I scream at this lady for not asking me more or do I share Sara's Silence with the world but in true Allie style I ended up making some god awful awkward comment. Sara would have been rolling her eyes at me or hiding under a desk. I have never been one for words and when I bad things happen I tend to say dumb things. Its part of who I am and I cant help it. It comes out of my mouth. I find laughter to fix almost anything. So I took a deep breathe and laughed it off. Threw in a few more jokes at least what I can remember. I have never been one for holding my comments or speaking my mind. Most of the time its appropriate.

We had a few visitors come by the house today which was nice to keep my mind busy since its been quiet around the house. Family brought over a meal and talked about Sara which happens to be my favorite thing to talk about every day. Jason's mom saved the day and got Austin some lunch stuff for a few days since I was slacking in almost all areas of being a bonus mom these days. 

Then all of a sudden there is PIZZA well there was a girlfriend of mine carrying pizza. It was GLUTEN FREE and she even had one for Jason that was DAIRY FREE. I was excited.  Then she said that more people were coming to see me. I am pretty sure it was an intervention about my current eating habits but we didn't get into that. When I first heard that we were going to have visitors for dinner and the number was growing I became overwhelmed. Grief is a little bastard. You never know if you are going to like what you feel or like what you think at any given moment. I didn't want to cry. I wanted to hold in what little calm I had available. I had been having a day that I wasn't wanting to chop down the last few trees I have left in my yard and I hadn't spent all day in the house crying. I had made it another day. One more day, one day at a time, one breathe at a time....

My phone rang and I stepped outside to take the call. It was Sara's dad checking on me and letting me know that he was ok. It makes me feel close to her when the parents of Sara are all together...all 4 of us. While I can't spend every minute with them, it makes my hell a little easier knowing they are ok. I took my time with the call, I didn't rush and we talked about Sara. Some fears I was having and some thoughts that were haunting my mind. One thing I have learned is that you need to do what you need to do to get to the next moment. If that means you ignore the busy house to talk to someone then you do it. People who love you will understand. It helped me refocus and come back into the house. 

I walked into the smell of my favorite PIZZA and salad and a house full of family. Most would call them friends but these people are more than that.We sat around just like we had a few weeks ago for Sara's bday. We talked about her, telling stories, laughing, crying, me saying akward things like I seem to do even more these days. At the end of the night, I was feeling a little more like I could handle one more day. Its not about the PIZZA, lunches for little man or the running errands...its about the fact that they came out and spent time showing me that I am not alone. I was surrounded by family and friends on and off all day and it was really nice to have someone there. Not every day will be like today, but I want to thank everyone for the support that we have been getting. 

Losing a child is the worst thing imaginable. It will never be the same. Nothing will ever be what it was. I can't imagine how we are going to get through this but I know that when I can not carry myself anymore...I have my husband and a long line of people who are willing to carry some of the weight for me. 

I made it through another day. Grief makes you stupid all day every day. You find yourself counting minutes. Just one more minute I can hold it together. Or asking the same question 3 or 4 times. Did I eat today? Did I brush my teeth? Do I care if anything ever gets done again? and then you do....one day at a time...one thing at a time...one moment at a time....

Sara, 

While I sat in your room tonight talking with your Aunt Brooke about you and what we can do in your honor, I tried to think of things you would like. Most of all, I just wanted to talk about you. About how proud I was of you. How amazed I was at your intelligence. You were always the smartest person in the room, including your mom. We talked about how much you loved your friend Liz and how happy I was that you had a best friend. We talked and talked for hours. It felt great. I felt like you were in there with me like so many times before. I imagined you ignoring me with your head phones in while you played on your phone and for a moment I felt like it was just another day...I miss you my angel. In fact I need a better word than miss, miss doesn't even come close to what I feel.  I love you Sarabear. I hope to see you in my dreams. 

Kiss Hug Five Muah

Mommy