Since the day you left there have been many signs that you are still here with us, some of these stories will be out of order but I share them as I remember them. I want you to keep reaching out and keep telling us that you are here. It keeps me going when I decide that I don't have to or want to. I encourage if anyone else has had a moment that Sara has reached out to them, please comment below even if it seems silly. It helps me so why not share your story or send it to me personally and I will share without your name.
My first encounter....It was Monday, we had to go back to the house, back to the last place I saw your face, back to the demons that were now my reality. Back to the house that was ripping apart my very sense of who I was. It wasn't the first time we had been back to the house, but this was different. We need to collect things for your celebration and to collect things for the next few days. It was a blur of emotions. I couldn't think clearly and all I could feel was a giant hole in my heart. I felt sick. I felt like I wanted to scream and beat the ground. I wanted you to walk out of the house and tell me that this was just another joke you were playing on me. Its what you did. You would hide under the bed and jump out to scare Jason. I just wanted that to happen again. I longed for it.
As I ran over the items that I needed to collect. I found myself being lost in thoughts of you and how to honor you. It wasn't about me or what I wanted. This was the last time I would be able to truly listen to you. I was when I was trying to figure out what she would wear...most of her things were dirty in her laundry basket. I told her to wash her clothes that day but as a teenager she didn't. They were in her basket all dirty. So I was thinking what would she like...she loved the dresses that we bought her for Spain so I went looking for one. She had worn one just the night before but I couldn't bare to use that one. It smelled like my baby. I picked out her black flower dress and white shawl. She really liked that dress a lot. I picked out her shoes, sports bra, and then her underwear. Out loud I said...PINK it is. If she wanted a different color then she should be here to choose it. I was feeling sadness and frustration as I walked into the kitchen. As I soon as I was saying it out loud again "that she was gonna have to wear PINK underwear", two pictures fell from the wall onto the floor in front of me that she was in one of them. These pictures have not moved in 3 years. You could tell that by the dust that was surrounded the empty place those once were. It was like she was reaching out to tell me that she was not in agreement with my choices. So I very mom like said-Well I don't exactly agree with yours either. You should be here if you wanted to pick and I stepped over the pictures. It was the first moment that I took a breathe. I placed all the items that I thought we would need in a bag and headed back to my moms house. Her dad would be meeting us there to collect the items and pictures that we collected. We pull every picture and scrapbook that I have ever made off the walls, off shelves and to the car. This was my first encounter...I will continue to beg her to come to me in my dreams, in my reality, anything she can give.
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