Today was a day full of different emotions. Every morning, my nightmare replays in my head. Its the last thing I think of and the first thing that comes to my eyes. Its a constant hell that it my "new normal" as the licensed therapist call it. Finding my "new normal". I loved my old normal. I'd give up my own life to save her. There was no one scheduled to come over, no visits from friends during the day, no reason to get out of bed. Yet I did. I got out of bed. I remembered all the people who were praying for our family and it helped me put one foot on the floor. Their words echoed in my ears. I sat there and thought about all the people who are sharing our story to save someone else. My feet hit the floor and hell hath no anger like a mother who lost her child. I was feeling overwhelmed by my lack of sleep once again. I look outside and its pouring. It reminds me of Sara's celebration where people were lined out the door being poured on just to show there support and love for our baby girl. I remember laughing to myself that night at everyone who was wet and wanting to thank them for being there. It was pouring angry outside, usually when I feel angry I go outside and chop the crap out of the nearest tree or bush. Since I was unable to go outside and take out some of my anxious feelings. I decided I would try to put the pieces of our room back together. I haven't been the best house keeper in my life let alone now. My family will tell you that I was a mom first and a house keeper last. My anger and ADD was in full force...I ran around the house doing laundry, going through my shoes, clearing out old papers, searching for anything that I could find that had Sara's handwriting or smell or pictures. I tackled the basement clearing out anything and everything that I could. I spent hours pouring myself into housework when I finally decided to take a break and look out the window. It was that moment that there was sunshine shinning so bright. I walked outside and it was at that moment that I found a moment of calm come over me. I felt like today would be a day that I could take another breathe, I could take another step. Just one more. If I imagine how I feel every day being a battle and every day having to make the choice to keep going without her, I can only imagine how that little girl of mine felt trying to find her place in this world with whatever she was fighting. Someone said that I will find the courage to keep going. I am not strong, I am weak and I am raw and I am vulnerable but I am fighting. Some people call it courage, I am not courageous. To save just one parent will help keep me going. My fight is To Stop the Silence and to Stop the Stigma. You don't have to look like you are depressed or have issues to have your own battles. They talk about Sex Ed, STD's, Rape, Drugs, Stranger Danger, bullies, texting and driving...what about coping skills, what about your personal health, what about mental illness, how about we start talking about the 3rd leading cause in teenagers!!!!!!! Find the courage to have the conversation with your child. Don't discount there concerns and don't assume that they will be able to tell you whats going on in there mind. Sara didn't match ANY of the signs for a child who needed treatment or to be watched.
Sara,
Today I pray that you help others find the words and courage to speak out. I miss you and I don't want to live without you here with me. I think of you every minute of every hour. You are the giant hole that is my heart. I keep trying to put all your memories that I can find and shove them in there like a band-aid. Once in a while it helps with the chest pain. I keep telling myself that you are at your dads and will be coming over soon. Then the flashback brings my day dream to a halt. I find myself trying to hold myself together long enough to just breathe. You are the most amazing gift anyone could ask for. Until the day that I will see you again, I love you my baby.
Kiss Hug Five Muah
Mommy
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