In my dreams....

All I wanted was to have you wake me up and tell me its my time to get into the shower. That was our routine. You first and then me only so that I could sleep just a few minutes longer. I was the mom and that meant I could get a few more minutes...you would have your whole life to sleep in..but you took that away. Today I wanted you to be here and wake me up. My heart begged for it. I couldn't get out of bed. My night was filled with on and off sleeping. Waking with the same pain as the moments and days before. Pain doesn't even describe the whole that replaces your reality. Its an emptiness that is taken over with whatever word is worse than pain. It;s like sucking fire into your body over and over knowing that no matter what it will never stop. It will never be ok. It will never be manageable.  So I lay there..I close my eyes tight, just a few more moments to lay here and pray that this nightmare is not real. I settle back down into a dream or nightmare or day dream but I am glad that I did.

Its pure chaos in my dream. Everything around me is moving and shaking. I cant get control of anything. I can feel that there is nothing that I can do. I feel helpless and I am alone. The house is flooding. It pouring inside the house. The basement that I am in is at an angle, its like everything is shifting to one side like if I let go I will slide down into the deep dark unknown below me. I am trying to hold on to anything that I can. I hold on to the sofa...its the only that I can hold on to...it was at that moment that I felt like I was in control of the dream. As I placed my hands on the sofa... I was telling myself that this is a dream and I can control anything that I want to happen and so I said it. I screamed that she needed to come see me. She needed to let me see her. I needed to see her. As the water poured more and more in my dream like a waterfall (all while the world around me is turning and complete chaos), something appeared. So I willed it more and more inside my head. I begged to see her face to hear her voice. The waterfall was clear but not clear enough to make out her face. I saw that she was all white. She had a white shirt one with a penguin on it. It was like a negative image, like only the outline of the penguin. I have seen this shirt before but cant place it. I see that its purple, blue and maybe yellow. Reminds me of her One Direction shirt now that I think of it but I am certain it was a penguin. It wasn't very long and she was gone but I know what I saw inside my mind. It felt like it was her. It felt like she was reaching out to me. Not like I wasn't screaming at the top of my lungs at her to come to me but I was. As soon as she was there, she was gone... As I found myself back in the dream without her, I was lost and scared. The whole house was moving like we were in a hurricane. I was trying to save the cats and dogs and Austin. The more I tried to do the more I found myself battling what to do. I was afraid. I was angry. I was confused. Even in our dreams we find that it can make it hard to make the right choice. I found myself battling my own inner demons at the end. Who can I save in this dream? Can I save myself or Austin or the cats? I truly felt the inner demons. pulling me darker and deeper down like the only thing I could do was save myself and then I woke up. 

As weird as it sounds, I felt as though this dream was trying to show me or guide me into what she was feeling. She was battling some internal struggles that she was not able to share or explain. I felt like I had no choice at one point to save myself over all else from the darkness but then it consumed me. I feel as though she was reaching out in my dream to tell me that she was there, even if it was only part of her. I have begged and begged night after night for her to let me know that she is here. Its a little piece of hope in a hopeless never ending nightmare. 

Sara, 

I thank you so much for giving me a little piece of you today. I am proud to be your mom and I always have been. You will always be my princess and I will forever be changed because of July 20, 1999. The day you saved my life. Thank you for giving me the best 16 years that I could ask for. You were always great about taking care of your mom and being the best daughter in the world. Going through all your awards at daddy's house today was amazing to know that I had the privilege to call you my daughter.  What an amazing daughter we already knew that we had.You are missed and the tears will never stop, but I promise you that we will honor your name. We will continue to work towards Sara's Silence and SPEAK!!! The day you took your life does not define you, it defines a moment in time. What matters is all the great things you did prior to that day and all the people after. Keep coming to me in my dreams, hell show up and move stuff in my house. Just keep sending me signs that you are still here. CALLING MY ANGEL....PLEASE JUST LET ME KNOW YOU ARE HERE. 

Kiss Hug Five Muah

Mommy