HURRICANE

For the first time in 3 weeks, my alarm woke me up instead of my nightmares. Reality hit me but this time I was ready. This time I was able to put both feet on the floor. I was going to do something to #CelebrateSara. I was going to put purple in my hair. I thought she would like it and wanted to give someone a reason to talk to me about her. If they saw my hair, I could use it as a tool to share her story. I arrived at my appointment to get my hair done a bit early. I took this time to look at her pictures. The only ones I will ever have. There will be no more. There will be only what I have now. I was looking forward to talking to Allison (my hair dresser). She is a woman of God and we have always had this deeper connection that I can explain. When I see her its not just to get my hair done, its two souls reconnecting and helping guide each other. I have always gotten much more than a cut hair style. We talk for hours giving each other much more than I can explain. She helps me feel closer to God and anything that is bothering me and I help her in other ways like making her laugh at stupid stuff I say. Allison and I are two peas in a pod. We think a lot alike. We parent a lot alike. We want to make a difference. She has always made things better after as therapy (hair session). She's the kind of person that makes you want to be a better person. She is like Sara. Sassy and spunky with a lot of sweet inside.

Today would be something normal that I would do before Sara died. Every few months on a Saturday, we spend time catching up on the kids and the hubby's. Learning from each others good times and bad but this Saturday was different. This one was going to take a difference course. I wanted to share everything with her. Her belief in God and the afterlife has always made me feel better and want to improve my own connection. She gives the best hugs and truly gets me. I was proud that I had made it to my appointment all by myself and that she was my friend helping me with my crazy eye brows and hair. Last thing you really think about when your child dies, but it wasnt about that. It was about finding that human connection again. It was about sharing Sara's Silence so that her story could be heard. Allison has 4 babies and if my story could help one person. Then I can get through another day. Every life is like a drop of water that creates a ripple in the world. Moving and bumping into another becoming bigger and bigger. I want Sara's Ripple to become a HURRICANE. One that impacts everyone is in path as she has made the biggest impact on all of our lives. 

As we sat and talked about Sara. This time was different. I wanted her to know the true angel that God had on his side. How amazing she was, how smart she was, how caring, how stubborn, how we raised her to make her own choices and to own them, how she was loved, how she liked to push my buttons, how sensitive she was that I didn't see, how she couldn't stand to be less than perfect when she was perfect in our eyes, how she didn't like to be the center of attention but would do anything to make someone smile, how she loved anime, she loved to read, she loved to bake cookies and cup cakes, she loved and I mean loved pan cakes, How she was more like me than I ever knew, I found myself also talking about how Sara struggled with connecting with people who were not on her level sometimes, she liked people but on her own terms, She didn't like being told because "I am the mom that is why" because in her mind that was not a logical answer, she was most of the time the smartest kid in the room but she was so humble about it. She never made you feel inferior. She loved to write poems and stories. She loved Spanish, she loved her cats and dogs, She loved her friends. She loved Harry Potter. She loved to get me addicted to new books so that we could talk about them. She loved to scare the crap out of ppl by hiding under the bed, There were so many things that I wanted Allison to know about her. It felt great being about to have someone listen to me go on and on about Sara without getting bored.  

We talked about when you lose someone everyone asks what they can do for you; when you can't figure out what you need so how can you tell someone what you need. We talked about things that would help or could help in case someone else would walk in my shoes. I have always been a person who can tell you "I need this...and it gets done" or I am usually the one being the rock for others. Now I find myself not sure if I have eaten and how many days has it been since I eaten or even showered. The brain function of someone in my shoes is less than 10% and that is at max.  A person who has lost everything doesn't know how to speak let alone know how to put gas in their care or wash clothes. I explained that the best help we get is when someone just does something without asking me for the how when where and why. We talked about how you can't even figure out how to go to work let alone how you are going to pay bills but those simple tasks mean so much to someone in our shoes. 

Allison is very involved with her church so I recommended if someone was in my shoes gift baskets of paper items or gift cards as silly as that sounds. Allison is always thinking of others, its what she does.  The last thing you think of is if you have toilet paper. What a seriously shitty literal realization that we had. (lol) We talked about how everyone knows someone who has been effected and how whatever we are currently doing isn't working. If all this awareness and research was working then why every 12 minutes are we losing someone we love....cure is there a cure for suicide....that is the question to ask...is it a disease, is it a illness, its one persons single act that effects everyone...or is there just prevention? How do we prevent? How do we find a cure? How do we stop losing our loved ones? How to we identify these loved ones sooner? How do we let them know its ok to talk? How to we stop the STIGMA? What prevented others from taking this course? What keeps them from seeking help? What does a walk do for someone? There are all these walks... I want to talk to people. I want to share Sara's story. I want to talk to kids in high school and help them. Yes I can raise awareness with a walk but what "HURRICANE" can I leave as my daughter legacy. 

We talked about the people who have come into our lives that have made a huge impact. We talked about opening the lines of communication with your children. I spouted out 100 different suicide facts that I have read over the last 3 weeks. Let me remind you that I have lost someone to suicide already in fact; my mother has buried 2 husbands to the same thing in 1989 (my dad) and her 2nd husband John.  I am aware of the normal signs according to some stats collected over time. 

We talked about what to say to kids, what the stats are, what not to say, I am by no means an expert but I will share everything in my head to save someone else from losing their babies, I talked for hours and it felt good. I just keep saying if I can save one child or rebuild one relationship then I can honor my daughter. We laughed, we cried, we became deeper friends then we already were. She touched my soul from the first time we met and today I was able to touch hers. 

People keep telling me that I have courage. I do not see it as courage. My daughter had courage to hold on as long as she could to this physical place. My daughter had courage for so long to make a difference in so many peoples lives. My daughter had the courage to do so many great things in such a short time. My daughters single act will not define her. I am stepping through the fiery pits of hell one breath at a time. You take one step forward and find yourself 4 steps back.  Grief of a child is reliving your nightmare every moment of every day. It never stops. The constant hole in your chest. Its like a hot poker being stabbed into your chest all the time. The pain becoming to much to bear and you often find yourself alone. Not because no one wants to talk but because there are no real words to show or explain the amount of pain that you feel. I know lots of words and words to describe the pain are unfindable. (Yes Sara that is a word) 

What I want to do is encourage people to speak out. Talk about what is bothering you. I am sharing my heart and bearing my soul. I want to bring awareness to an epidemic. 3rd leading cause in losing our babies that can be SILENCED. We can silence the Stigma against mental illness or anxiety issues or whatever internal battle people are facing. We just have to SPEAK UP AND OUT! I will continue to blog and share in hopes that it will help just one. I have had enough with people assuming you have to fit into this mold to be broken. As a great writer once wrote "You don't have to have scars to be broken on the inside;" SPEAK UP! Stop the Silence. 

Renea,

You know I am serious when I use your middle name. As I sit here and hold your cat, my heart breaks missing your touch. I want to fight over the cats again pushing your buttons when the cats come to me and not you.  I wonder if your cats can see you and if they miss you like I do. I often hope that you are here and when they look away from me it cuz you are teasing them. I may hold them too tight when the heartbreak becomes too much. Its the last connection that I have to you that is breathing. Missing your crazy ways you like to make me laugh. I find myself still in shock. Still thinking that you are at your dads. Still hoping that this nightmare will be different. I need your help. I need you to give us a direction on how to best honor your name. How do we best help others? Do you like Sara's Silence? Do you like SPEAK? What would you do? What would you suggest? How could we have helped you? More coping skills? Less protective mom? I never thought that I would lose you. We would have done anything for you. I would give my last breathe to have you here. I took life for granted. I got busy and forgot sometimes that life is short. I am not sure that I can get through this with out you. Lead me in the right direction. Lead me to finding someone or something...I pray that you will come see me in my dreams. I pray that you will help me. I pray that you help Austin, Jason and your daddy. You find yourself dying a little more each day and could use a kidney punch that I showed you how to do so well. You were always the best little mom of me and always took amazing care of me when I was sick. One last request, please go see Nanny. Her heart is breaking and she is not strong enough to understand. She is 92 years old and we all know that you were her favorite. Its no secret that her heart is broken without you. She will get to see you much sooner that I ever will but I do pray that you help her through this time. 

Kiss Hugs Five Muah

Mommy