The demons that haunt my reality are real.

Sleep while grieving is something that is more of a wish than a reality. Even in your dreams there are few moments when your thoughts are quiet or pleasant. Just open your eyes, I told myself but I couldn't find the strength. When I opened my eyes I was scared that what I would wake up to was worst than I had already been through. How could I even imagine anything being worst than losing our baby? Well I didn't lose her I know where she is, she is gone. She will never walk in the door, give me hugs, tell me that she loves me, she will never...as I am thinking about her like I do every morning I find myself afraid to get out of bed. If today is going to be like the last 20 days of nightmares, then I don't care for anymore either. Afraid that the flashbacks will be too much for me to handle. I was alone and scared. As I found myself trying to get the courage to put my feet on the floor, I noticed that Sara's cat had found a new place to hang out. She was sitting on the very top of the dresser looking over at me. It felt like she was telling me, "look lady we got this now get out of bed and get me my treats." Its something we do every morning and every night, the cats have me trained. Sara would tell me that I shouldn't give them too many...well I try to keep them to a few but sometimes I give them more these days to see if she will notice. So I put my feet on the floor and took a deep breath....it wasn't easy and it was horrible. The pain in my chest was unbearable...I wanted to reach inside my chest and rip it out. Its been like that for days....never stops yet keeps beating...my heart beats while yours has stopped...how I would give anything to change the fate dealt...I just kept putting one foot forward...

Mom came over to hang out and we decided to run errands. See how I can handle people and places. When we were out today and as I was hurting about all the memories that we will never have, one of Sara's song Owl City Firefly came on. I took another breath. As we were leaving, You and Me by Lifehouse came on. I almost lost it again. I had enough and we came home. For the first time since Sara passed away, I started vomiting anything that came to mind. It had been 3 weeks and I had been holding onto the flashbacks. I had talked to my wonderful husband but there were still things that I was holding in. I didn't want to share these things with people. I didn't want others to be upset. I didn't want it to be true. If I say it out loud then it really happened. If I don't say it then I am not honoring our baby. So I just starting talking... Sharing some of the darkness that its within me. I felt as though I needed to Stop the Silence. I needed to embrace "Sara's Silence" and share the demons that were attacking me. We talked for a long time about that day Sara passed, not going into every detail or every imagine but it made it a easier to share the story then it was to hold it in. It was a good start before my next therapy appointment.

Therapy appointments are not for everyone but its a safe place that I can be honest to share things and so I do. -I knew that I would need to have the courage of a lion to make it through the next 90 minutes. I don't have courage. I am not strong. I am just me and all I have ever known is gone. This would be the first time, I would tell every detail of the day and events following and I knew that my husband would have to endure this hell with me yet again. Before the appointment I found myself overwhelmed. I wasn't sure that I could go in there and not lose it on this poor lady. It was truly a roll coaster of emotions. I was up then down....crying, screaming inside my own head. I just wanted out of my own thoughts. I wasn't sure if I could tell this lady the horror that is inside my head. The last image I have of my baby is one that is unimaginable. Take your biggest fear and add one million times worst and then add losing everything in the blink of an eye. The demons that haunt my reality are real, they are forever at my door, knocking at my every existence. The guilt demon is a real bitch. She spits venom and anger in my face over and over again. The "what if demon" is a hater that attacks the very essence of my soul.  The blame demon creeps up and attacks whatever I have left. So when I have nothing else to give, the hurt and fear just take over whatever crumbs are left behind. Leaving me raw and helpless...with nothing to hold on to...

As I was sitting there, reliving my hell over and over again all I could think of was the ripple effect...How one person's actions changed so much and so huge...how my actions were effecting my husband, how my words were touching the therapist, how our story would continue to touch lives. How maybe Sara's story can help someone else, How Sara's Silence needs to touch people. How can I survive this...How can we take one more step...Suicide is a permanent end to an issue but we don't talk about is the ripple effect when one takes that action. Everyone's life impacts someone, somewhere. We had no idea that amount of people that Sara had touched. She still continues to touch lives. I find myself telling everyone I know about Sara and how amazing she was. Today I was able to share some of the nightmare in my head. Today I was not SILENT. Today I found the ability to speak the words. Today I found myself climbing out of the darkness...so that Sara's Silence would be heard. What we do in life echos and ripples to everyone around you. 

Sara, 

My dearest daughter, life will never be the same. When your heart stopped beating, I wish mine would have too. Every day is a battle. Every day is another hell. Every day I make the choice to live for you and in your name. Every day I pray that you will come to me in my dreams. Every day I want to see you. Every day I pray that this is not my reality. Every day I pray to understand. Every day I miss your hugs. 

Kiss Hug Five Muah

Mommy