The Cure

I know that it’s hard to read my story sometimes but thank you for sharing in this journey with me. If this is your first time reading my blog, I encourage you to start at the beginning as each blog has a message or gives some guidance. If my story touches you in any way, I challenge you to share it on your page so that others can see the importance of speaking up and sharing Sara’s Silence.  I am glad that you can't imagine what I am feeling or going through. If you are walking with me in this journey, I pray that you find comfort that you do not walk alone.  I pray all the time that no one will have to endure this hell.  I write so that you can understand if you have a friend or loved one who shares my nightmare how to help them or what they may be going through but most important so that you talk to your children! It needs to start when they are young, talk to them about feelings; talk to them about sharing what’s inside, it’s not just about what they put in their bodies that counts. But if they have a good thoughts as well. Mind and body check-ups need to happen and often. The youngest baby lost to suicide that I have heard about is 6 and she left a note. That is crazy to me. Kids are precious and you have to protect them not only from bullies, drugs, and bad people but from themselves.  Our children no matter the age need to know that it’s ok to talk about their battles.  Sara did not fit any signs of suicide. She is the anti-poster child but maybe she needs to be the new poster child. Suicide can impact anyone.  It happens every 12 minutes in the U.S. Every 12 minutes someone takes there life. Every 12 minutes someone creates a ripple that turns into a Tsunami.  

We never use the word hate in our house but this once will be ok. I hate the word suicide, it’s like cancer or STD, it leaves a sour taste on my tongue. I don't know why maybe because it focuses on the persons act rather than the solution… we spend thousands of dollars on researching cures and solutions…we talk about eat this and it helps with reducing your risk of this…wear this and it will keep you from getting that…get this shot and it will protect you from this…how about talk about suicide and feelings to save a life cause that one life you may save could be someone you love…could be your child….your cousin…your grandbaby…your loved one….

Is there a cure? Yes I do believe there is. There is a cure for suicide. It doesn't have to be developed in a lab somewhere. It’s in all of us. It’s in each and every one of us. We have the ability to cure something. I challenge you to cure suicide by talking about it, by sharing Sara's Silence, by SPEAKING up, by not judging those around you who may have struggles, by making a difference in someone's life. By having those hard conversations and then seeking help when you need it. Don’t judge someone who is struggling; help carry the burden by listening or asking the questions. A.S.T.-Asking Saves Teenagers

We are a part of the problem if we are afraid to ask those hard questions and open those lines of communication with the kids. I cannot stress enough that Sara did not fit the suicide mold or signs. Most of the parents that are just like me tell me every day that there were no signs.  They were given no chance to save their babies. Statistics show that 90% of suicide deaths have a mental illness that could have been treated but were UNDECTECTED. We don't know what Sara had or if she had anything. What we know is that she did not speak up about her feelings and instead battled those alone leaving her not prepared for a bad day.

We didn't know she was struggling. She was very close to both her dad and I. She journaled one time, that "Thankfully, I had my mom to help me along the way and point me in the right direction. Thankfully, she helped me with my problem, and continues to do so now if I need a little help or guidance." So again, she knew that we could help her with her struggles yet for some reason didn't want to bother us this time. A teenager recently told me that they feel as though parents are too busy with their own worries and their own issues that they don't want to add to them. They said that it’s hard to talk to their parents openly if it’s not started at a young age. That they feel like their parents will judge them or punish them. It’s awkward for them to have parents all of a sudden want to talk. Kids these days are trying to take on finding themselves. Let’s give them the best tools we can by making sure that no topic is left off the list. It’s ok to speak up and talk about having a bad day. You need not walk alone in this battle.

Sara’s Silence will be no more; I will be her voice to save another child. So again I challenge you to CURE SUICIDE. Talk about it, read about it, educate yourself, and don’t think that you are not able to be affected by it. It does not care about race or religion or money…You never know until you ask the questions and have the conversations and not just once. One time talking about it won’t fix the issue. Be sure that you also help them if they have friends who mention hurting themselves. Give your child the tools and knowledge of how to help their friends. Don’t leave them unprepared to save a friend and to know when to notify an adult.

I will help cure suicide from taking any more of our children! STAND WITH ME! 

S.P.E.A.K!!!! 

SUICIDE PREVENTION EDUCATION AWARENESS for KIDS!!!!!!!

One month mark

You get to the point that you just want to pretend like you are on vacation or somewhere else. Just not here walking in this hell. You allow your mind to play tricks on you from time to time. You find yourself pretending that just for a minute the worst is not real. Just for a minute you allow yourself to think that they are at grandma’s or at a friend’s house, anywhere but dead. Then you start logically thinking again...and realize that there is nothing that you can do to bring her back. Nothing! You wish for one more anything. As the one month approaches...you are still in a fog. You are still thinking at some point this nightmare is not going to be real. Your new different isn't better. I find myself having an array of emotions at any time. I can be angry and happy in the same sentence. What you always feel is empty. There is this empty space that now fills your heart. It literally feels like a gaping wound in your chest all the time. Nothing fills it and nothing can. It will forever be empty. It will forever be missing.

Suicide is a choice that someone makes to end what they feel at that very moment. It's one of many solutions to a problem, well here is my problem with that…One simple action has turned upside down the lives of more people that I can name. Every day I struggle with holding me together. Let alone holding those around me up but I know that there are people who knew Sara that will forever be different. They will forever be changed.

Before my life was normal. We were living my dream. We had 2 houses, 2 nice cars, good jobs, great friends, 2 dogs, 2 cats and 2 amazing kids. We did school functions and friends from time to time. All in all it was the perfect life. We enjoyed life and we had fun. After suicide life is forever changed with therapy sessions, with medications, with pain, with guilt, with doubts of your own survival, with confusion, with anger, with fear, with anxiety, Talk about a book of issues and chapters left undone. I am a mess more than I am ok. While I will not try to explain the mind of someone who wants to end their lives, I can explain the impact of those choices.

I can speak from my heart and share with you how your one choice does affect the lives of those around you. Anyone who says that they are better off should read my story over and over. Am I really better off? My minutes are spent crying and trying to hold together what is left. My days are plagued with sorrow and guilt. My weeks are now consumed by therapy and groups to help me understand what I might have missed that made you do this. My month was spent counting since the last time I saw your face. There is a constant and unrelenting pain that goes from the chest to my neck all the time. It never stops! Never! It burns all the time regardless of what medicine I have taken to help. You find yourself emotionally and financially drained. How does one work with the loss of a child? How does one just go back to work when all you do is want to figure out how to take the next breathe. They give you 5 days paid for the loss of a child, really 5 days to get myself back to functioning.  That is a joke. You can’t figure out how to get out of bed let alone to work. When you suffer a loss such as this, you don’t function like you would normally. You find yourself forgetting everything. I have about 10% of the mind power that I used to.

Emotions are all over the place. A word can set you off, a sound, a smell, for me we have found that it’s all of them. I have many "triggers" now. Triggers are a specific thing that sets me into a panic attack or full blown PTSD moment. My triggers that we have learned about since the day she died are loud noises and sirens. A loud noise can send me whirling out of control. Sirens take me back to that night instantly. That feeling of hopelessness. Screaming in my head for them to help her. Feeling of total hopelessness and loss all over again with the same pain as the first night.

I shake all the time now. I am afraid all the time. I fear losing someone else that I care about. I fear that missing her will consume me. I fear that no one will talk about her. I fear that people will forget about her. I fear that I will not be able to help someone else. I live in constant fear. I am fear driving sometimes. I fear that I will not make it through this. I fear my own thoughts some days.  I went from a confident driven woman to a child who always afraid and enduring more pain that can be processed.

I think we all do now. People who lose a loved one to suicide causes a Tsunami. It touches everyone and everything in its path. No one is unharmed when someone takes their life. I find myself thinking about ways to help others. Ways to save other moms from feeling this way...how many others have been in my shoes? How many others have shared their horrors, there inner most demons, while I am not sure what impact I will ever have…if I can save just one mom from losing their baby then it’s worth it.

Sara’s choose to remain silent about her struggles. She didn’t want to burden anyone with what was going on inside. Her struggles that she kept silent projected and multiplied into the lives of those who loved her. If you are struggling with anything, you need to speak up. You need to tell someone if are having a bad day. If you see that someone is struggling, take a moment to ask if they need to talk. It may be the one moment that changes someone’s choice to die.

Sara,

It’s been one month since I last saw your face and heard your laugh. I miss you every day of every moment. I love you forever and always. I can’t wait for the day that I get to see you again. I love you.

Hug Kiss Five Muah

Mommy

After the celebration

After the celebration, what do you do….after all the people are gone… what do you do? After all the required decisions are made…what do you do? After….what do you do after you lose someone…You find yourself lost with no one to help you. It’s not that people are not offering help or offering guidance… its just that you find yourself asking what’s the purpose? Why am I here? Why does anything matter anymore?

You take it one step at a time but head first. You feel like a ping pong ball and that is how your life is going to be forever. Losing Sara has exposed how vulnerable I really am.  How truly weak I really feel…how scared I really am… I have learned a lot about myself that I didn’t know like I shake when under serious stress. All the time now, I shake and I can’t help it. I panic and do stupid things …I break out in stress rashes everywhere, I have horrible heart burn all the time, everything taste like mental,  I wear my heart on my sleeve, I am very sensitive, I cry a lot, that I to have been silent before and that I too have chosen not to share my pain with others. I to have decided to hold in my feelings to not burden others.  I've done it in the past, hold in my pain so that I don’t burden others…but that is what needs to change. It's not a burden to talk about how you feel or things you think. 

 Even now while I go to work every day, I put on the biggest smile that I can find. I smile though the pain. If you didn’t know me personally, just looking at me it may be difficult to see the magnitude of my loss. If I didn't blog looking at me you couldn't imagine the pain that I am in. I find myself forcing jokes and laughing at work so that no one has to feel my pain. I have only felt like this for less than a month and if Sara's struggles felt anything like my last few weeks, I wish she would have SPOKEN up. As I have personally learned that there are ways to cope. There are ways to find peace. There are ways to get things out of your head. There are ways to see hope. There are ways to find a different choice.

Jason and I jumped right into searching for help, for answers, for anything that would support us. We made phone calls to doctors to hotline numbers to anyone who might be able to help. We looked and called for anyone that would be able to help us understand. We googled and searched for help. We set up appts with therapist. We found every support group in the area and spent the next two weeks running from one to another. Trying to find our place, trying to find something that felt right or the same. We tried compassionate friends, we tried SASS, I joined every suicide group on facebook, I could get into, we were trying to find answers and how to help each other through this.

You find yourself asking each other "can we get through this?" Does someone get through this? There were groups set up so it appeared that people were getting through this but how and why. With each group we found different stories, different pain, different yet similar; we were all suffering from a loss of great magnitude. We are pieces of our former selves forever changed. Forever different. Different is supposed to be good but this different was not good. This different was foreign. This different only happened to other people not to people like me. This different was not my reality and yet it was and now will forever be my "new different" They say you change and find a “new normal” but I feel anything but normal. This is my new different and this is not the choice that I wanted. As we googled for the why's and how’s and what we missed…signs and symptoms…statistics ....of course we went through her room to find answers. What I found was more confusing and left me with more answers. So we continued to search for ways to help each other and with my new different. Someone told us about the Solace house. I can’t remember who but some one.  It's the place where we found hope rather than pain. We found people who help carry you when you are too weak to carry yourselves. 

What we learned is that Sara didn’t have any of the normal signs. What we learned is that we had to try everything until we found what helped us the first month.  We found a therapist and we found a group to belong to. We are finding our way through our new different.  It’s the worst imaginable but we are finding our way together and with the support of our family and friends.  We are willing to try anything and everything to give us the tools to succeed at getting to the next moment. We will never be the same, we will never move on, We will never forget that day our lives changed forever….we will continue to speak up and we will continue to find our way. We will continue to show that we are weak at times, we are strong at times and we will continue to SPEAK up on behalf of our daughter. We will not see it as a burden but a honor to have the opportunity to share and SPEAK UP!!!!

ASK-Asking Saves Kids so have those hard conversations and keep having them. 

SPEAK!!!!!Suicide Prevention Education Awareness for KIDS. 

It starts with just one person having a conversation without being afraid to SPEAK UP!!!!!! 

Going back

Everything that we did over the first few days after her death was for her was out of love. Out of what we thought she would want. We wanted everything to be perfect. We tried to think about how you would want things. James handled almost everything because I was barely holding onto life myself. I threw out ideas every once in a while when I could speak.  In lieu of flowers, we wanted to get a Penguin Plague and adopt a Penguin at the KC Zoo. We have Cinderella the Gentou Penguin that was adopted for us and we are still in the process of working on it. We set up an account for Sara at U.S. Bank to collect donations to make that happen and to remember her. We have had a lot of people who have been very generous with love and support. The account will remain open and active collecting donations in her name. We hope to get a penguin plague and if there is money left over then we want to do something at the Tennessee aquarium that she loved so much. We have had random donations come in. As little or as much that comes in, it’s amazing that her story touches lives of people who don’t know us.  When I think of Sara all I could think of was this happy little girl who likes to be goofy and be silly. So we wanted to celebrate her life. That was our mission for her. We didn’t want to do a full funeral as that was not who she was. Choice after choice we made it through from Obit to cupcakes to cremation…We were like the 4 horsemen without the horses. We were strong united but we were shards of shrapnel holding each other up. Just as we always were, we were all gathered united as one and whatever was best for Sara.  Part of losing someone like we did meant, going back to the last place that I saw your face.

Sara's last moments were spent in my house. Sara's last breathe was in my house. How could I go back to the place that took it all away? I wanted to blow the house up. I wanted to lite a match and watch it burn like the fire inside my heart. It was in an instant that I went from "I can't be in that house...sell it...blow it up...light it on fire to if anyone walked towards the house, I was like the Predator. I had to protect her one last time. I would be the only one to see what I saw. I would be the only one to carry that burden. NO one else would have to or be allowed to. I became crazed. One of the many many levels to grief. You never know what things may cross your mind at any given time.

I insisted that I was going back to the house and no one was going to stop me. I needed to feel close to her. I needed to see if she was still in the house to see if I could save her. I knew that she wasn't. I knew exactly where she was. Against everyone's opinions and suggestions, I went back to the house. My nightmare couldn’t be any worse. My reality was already the unimaginable. As I walked into the house, I could feel that this moment right then was how this was going to feel forever. That this hole in my heart was never going away. That this state will never be what it was. I repeated my exact steps that I did that Thursday. I walked upstairs, put the mail on the stove, walked down the dark hallway, and stopped. I looked in her room. Everything seemed like normal. Bed a mess, clothes on the floor, cats cuddled up, house calm and quiet. Just a normal day my mind wondered just for a moment. Just maybe if I stay in this moment long enough, it will be real. Just maybe when I open my eyes, she will be there….just maybe…

I made my choice to go back to the last place I saw your face. That was my choice and that is what I needed. While I am not sure if it helped me, it didn’t hurt me anymore than I was already hurting.  She made a Tsunami in our world but “She didn't suffer.” Those are the only words out of five days that I can hear clear in my head over and over. "She didn't suffer" In my moment of total loss, the detective gave me something no one else could do. He gave me something to hold onto. Terrible things go through your mind when there are no signs that there Sara's was struggling. We will never know what her struggles were only that she didn’t speak up and let them be heard.  All I could think of was, my baby had an accident and suffered while I was at work. The detective was kind and those are the only words I can 100% say that I remember for 5 days. The entire first night all I could do was blame myself and want to die with her. I couldn’t see how I could let this happen. I prayed and prayed that it was an accident. I prayed that I would die and be with you. I asked God why so many times, I am sure that he was tired of me screaming at him. I begged him to take me instead. As a parent, you would sell your soul to Satan to get your child back…if only that was an option.  As you find yourself going from one level of crazy to another, you find yourself completely out of control. Your emotions, your anger, your own mind at times play tricks on you. While others may not have made the same choice I did, my hell was already as bad as it could be what else did I have to lose. I laid where you laid. I prayed and I prayed and I cried. My heart was already broken and I had nothing else to give.

As we still stay in our house and in our room, I find comfort if that is a good word. Sometimes it makes me sad and sometimes I feel like it’s the only connection that I have to her. Sometimes all I want to do is be with her. I am not sure what the right answer was but the right answer for us was to stay in our house. Everyone is different and every moment is different. Some days all I want to do is run home to her room and other days the fear keeps me from going inside the house.  It’s a constant battle inside mixed up with all of the other emotions of losing someone you love. Every day getting farther and farther from the last day I saw her face. 

Schools in America

"I WILL NOT REMAIN SILENT...For those parents to who upset that people-teenagers-kids are talking about suicide in the schools and in the classrooms, and are wanting to talk about it. (Key wanting to talk about it) GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR F@CKING A$$. This is the issue when you can only have those conversations behind closed doors. You think that you are exempt from suicide well you are wrong. No one is!!!! I know the fucking signs for suicide. Sara had none of them!!!!!! You need to talk about these hard topics and not just behind closed doors. Let them talk about it in an open area with peers.I will not back down. We need to promote talking about mental health, mental issues, how to cope with stress, and how the fuck to reach out when you are struggling. We need to promote conversations not silence. You shouldn't have to sit in the office to have a conversation about feelings. Sometimes our mental health needs to be more important than learning shit you will never ever use 10 years from now. But what if you don't make it 10 years because you never reach out....

DO NOT LET THE FEAR KEEP you from saving just one of our children. I don't get the choice anymore to have those hard conversations, I would have never had them with Sara. SHE DIDN'T FIT THE MOLD but she did end her life. Keep having them, just cuz you have them once doesn't magically mean it won't happen to you. Look at the stats-2nd leading cause in death among teens.

BURY YOUR HEADS IN YOUR ASS and you run the RISK of burying your child. Are you willing to make that gamble because you are afraid? cuz you don't think you need to have that conversation? cuz it makes you uncomfortable? Are you willing to lose everything? I wasn't and now we are faced with the nightmare every day.

To those parents who are upset that kids want to talk openly in the middle of class and wanting to stop it, I pray you find guidance and that you never have to face the demons at my door. "

This is my post from today located above because I am being told that parents are upset, irate, angry, yelling that kids are wanting to talk about what happened to Sara and their feelings at school or in general. The school "allowed" some conversations to happen and the parents freaked out. Good you need to freak out. Get angry get mad get having the conversations with your kids. I say allowed loosely, I am not sure the school promoted the conversation or just it happened. The kids are wanting to reach out for help but the parents natural reaction is to blind them and hide it from them.  It is the dumbest thing you can do is to pretend that if you don't talk about it then it wont happen to you. Or think that if you talk about it that it will make the child think about it. That is the stupidest thing you could think . You need do some soul searching and google that shit. Talking about suicide DOESN'T INCREASE THE NUMBERS HOWEVER NOT TALKING ABOUT IT LIKE WE HAVE BEEN DOING...hmmm well its gone from the 3rd place in teenage deaths to 2nd....while I am not really great with math and stats....they are speaking for themselves here people...You send you kids to school for 8 hours to learn about the basics...You educate your children on safe sex, you educate them on safe driving, You educate them on dating, on money....why not their own mental illness, why not protect them from their own struggles.

I will continue to tell everyone. Sara DID NOT FIT THE MOLD of someone who completes suicide. Sara did not come from a broken home! She was not an abused kid from a hard life background. She had the world in her hands and everyone loved her. She knew that she was loved and had so much support. She had it all. There was nothing that wasn't perfect about my baby. Even her pain in my ass attitude that drove me crazy. She was a teenager just like everyone else. She had her good days and bad days.

Do not fear the unknown, discover and understand it so that you are better equipped. Do not let fear allow this hell that I walk through everyday to become your reality. Do not bury your head in the sand.

Look at the websites, look at the stats on teens, looks at the stats of the parents who said that they had NO WARNINGS!!!!! Look in the mirror, Look at your babies..I will never see my daughter walk through that door ever again. Can you seriously get mad that the kids want to talk about it open in class rather than talk about History for an hour. What is 15 minutes and open conversations really matter if at the end of the day, not one more teenagers suffers in silence.

Rant done!

P.S. While I am not saying to shove suicide facts down kids necks all day everyday, its about speaking up. It's about having the tough conversations over and over if needed. My apologies if I can out like a wrecking ball. I just want to protect anyone else from this hell. Just trying to save one more!


SPEAK UP!!!!!!!!!!! SPEAK-Suicide Prevention Education and Awareness for kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

It's not my fault...

How one would cope with the loss of something so great. You don’t. No loss is the same and no one gives you “Grief Tools” or “Grief Badge” when you are young. Most of the time, we shield our children from the loss. We want to protect them. I learned at a young age how death feels and what we teach at a young age is usually how we deal with it as adults. I coped by running. I was known for building a wall so high that it was impossible to get in.  As I have stated, I have known more loss and sorrow than one person should bear. Of all the people who should be able to “cope” death of this magnitude, my cup runs over and I find myself at a total loss.  But the fact of the matter is that you are never prepared for the loss of a loved on even if you have done it too many to count. In times of sorrow, you learn things about yourself that you didn't know. You also learn things about your loved one you never knew possible. You find yourself holding on to anything and nothing at all...

Is there calm after the storm….No, there is function enough to get through the immediate situation the best you can. The only thing that I knew for sure was that Sara wanted to be cremated. We had talked about it a few times. Recently in fact, the night before she took her own life. We had a meeting at the financial planner Thursday night and part of that plan was to discuss wills and what we wanted in the "end" We always agreed that I would be cremated and she would have me on a necklace. She made sure that she told us that’s what she would want as well. She didn’t like the thought of being in the ground with the bugs. She hated bugs and that was not something that she could handle. After a loved one’s dies, no matter how or why it’s the hardest thing to figure out what’s next, if it they didn’t spell it out for you. You don’t have a choice but to make choices but your mind won’t allow you the ability to decide anything. It goes into protect mode. Mine did anyways. It only allowed basic thought process…yes and no answers. Moments of blurred crazy…whirlwind inside your head with nothing to hold on to…You are not sure what is up or down, right or wrong…

The lost was too great to understand and too huge but people need answers. Answers you don’t know and answers you were never prepped for. The morning after Sara took her life, I received a call from a woman named Linda. Linda had a sweet voice and I could hear the sorrow in her voice but what did she need? What did she just ask? She asked the unimaginable? How could she? She wanted me to decide if Sara's tissue could be donated. My first thought was to tell her to f@ck off and not to touch a hair on my baby’s head. Magically Sara was going to all of a sudden show up unharmed…She asked again this time explaining that Sara had the ability to help people. With my permission, they would use her tissue to help others. You want to what? I made the 2nd hardest choice I have ever been faced with. I called her dad to make sure that he was ok with the choice. This was our baby and he had as much right to say no as I did. We decided that we would allow Sara's tissue to help others. You lose everything in a moment and then they ask for more but we did the right thing. We chose to honor our daughter and give to others. Now I am not sure if this is something that she would have wanted or not. It's not like we talked about her leaving this earth before me. Regardless, we as her family choose to make a difference. Sara’s tissue was donated to help over 50 people. A piece of her will go on in the lives of others…I try to find comfort in that.

The next few days are such a blur. From trying to find a place to have her cremated to battling the demons in my head to figuring out what we are going to do with the house. I don’t know who I called and who I didn't call. What I remember is the lady at the creation place, trying to help my family through the worst time in our lives. I remember people bringing food and water to help. I remember feeling lonely yet surrounded. I remember seeing so many faces yet none of them I wanted to see. I wanted to see hers. I wanted her to walk in and hug me or nudge me again. Poke at me…. Sara's choice impacted everyone. There were hundreds of people who were impacted by one decision. She didn’t make the right choice. Sara didn’t speak up and tell us what her struggles were.  Sara took her life with my 22 Walter pistol. I don’t need a lecture on gun safety. They were hidden, put away and safe. Our guns were never loaded. It was a range gun only, not used for protection. Gun safety was 100% important in our house. My daughter’s bad choice to end her life and use my gun IS NOT MY FAULT. She made the wrong choice. Her life mattered and speaking up matters. Sara's last breathe was in our bedroom. I was the last person to see her. Those are my demons and mine alone however I do not carry them alone. I have friends and family who have tried to hold just a piece of the pain from time to time. My husband has been there from the beginning and has never left my side. He walks through every nightmare I have. He is my rock through all of this.  He goes to every appointment, every meeting, every phone call, everything. Sara’s dad has also been there through everything. We were her parents and we did everything that we could to protect her and guide her, love her, encourage her, praise her, we would do anything for her. She took a bad moment in her day and let it get the best of her, instead of reaching out which is why I blog now.  To show the world that you can carry the worst demons and talk about them. To share with everyone that I will SPEAK!!!! I will share my story….I will not be SILENCE as I walk through this hell!!!!

I am not asking for you to carry my burden. What I am asking you to do is SPEAK. Talk to your children about death, about suicide about coping with pressures. Ask those though questions like- have you thought of it? Have you talked to your friends about it? Have your friends mentioned it? DO NOT SHY AWAY FROM IT OUT OF FEAR. It's not a common cold you can fix after the fact. You have to not be afraid.  If it could happen to Sara, then it can happen to anyone. Everyone that I have talked to who also suffered a loss this way, 90% of the time had no idea that their children were hurting or had these thoughts. Those signs that everyone talks about are a guide not the absolute fact that they will meet this criteria. Most people also at some point research it. We know that Sara researched it.  We didn’t know that at the time, we were given no standard textbook signs. I share every detail of our nightmare to be transparent-to prevent someone else from having and living this hell. If I can save 1 or 10 it will be worth sharing my story. 

So SPEAK!!! SPEAK UP!!! And Stop Sara’s Silence. 

The longest day.

Today was the first day that I would attempt to go back to work. I couldn't sleep last night. I tossed and turned thinking about how I am supposed to just go back to what people call "Normal" What if I cant make it? What if I lose it at work? What if someone asks me about her? What if they use her name? What if they don't ask? What if they don't care? What if no one notices that I am even there? What is none of this matters anymore? I spent the night thinking about the "what if's" as if those "what ifs" are any easier than the "what if's" I have about the day you left. What if I came home earlier? What if I called you instead? What if's were attacking my mind and then the alarm went off. 

My feet hit the floor and felt like concrete was holding them in place. I took one step at a time. I didn't want to go but I knew that we needed for me to go back to work. We are a two income family, one income doesn't work but I didn't have the strength. I couldn't do it and yet I kept moving. Who cares if bills get paid, who cares about anything...Thinking of you the whole time. Your story matters! You mattered! I would just share with one person-save one person from this hell. I got ready for work but today was different when I looked in the mirror. I was different. Things were different. Life was no longer the same. Who cared what I looked like...who cared what I wore? What does a grieving mother look like? She is a shell of something that is slowing disappearing but I kept moving. 

I made it to work. As I sat there I found myself thinking about Sara wanting to talk to her, wanting to talk about her...finally someone asked me a question. I word vomited about Sara. It felt great to talk about her but in the same sentence my heart broke. For moment, I was just a bragging mom about how amazing my daughter is and with a swift punch in the heart I am reminded that my world has indeed stopped. I held it together. I was used this as a time to talk about talking to your children and encouraging them to SPEAK up. I wanted everyone to know about your silence. I poured myself into trying to figure out my passwords locking myself out of almost everything that I have access to at work. I couldn't remember anything. I found myself taking each moment by moment. Some moments were ok and some were manageable.  Everyone at work was amazing. I mean it. Very supportive, very encouraging, when I needed to talk, they let me talk. If I needed to walk, they let me walk. They all worked on trying to help keep me busy as if locking myself out of everything wasn't already keeping me busy all in its self. I made it to 3 and I didn't lose it. I even ate lunch without losing it. 

I had to leave early for therapy session. Therapy sessions make me on high alert as I know that I have to talk openly about the demons that haunt my nights. I have to share the inner most devil that is attacking my soul. This was a "new normal" and it was shit. I found myself driving home screaming at the radio. "Fight Song" thinking about you. Thinking about why you left me. I could lose it now. I could have a melt down while no one was watching and that is what I did. I screamed and yelled all the way home. I cried out your name. I wanted you to be sitting next to me making whale noises again. I needed you to be home when I got there and yet you never will be again. 

After therapy, I didn't want to go home. I couldn't face the last place I saw your face. We tried to get out and act normal. All I could think of was your face. Looking at the faces around me, wondering how they were just going on living while our world stopped. As a mother, your children are your legacy. My legacy decided to leave a hole in my world. What legacy would we have now? What future would I have now and how could all these people around me just keep on like nothing is wrong? Why because they didn't lose the most amazing thing they have ever created but I did. The wound in my heart pained. Sometimes your own mind can be worse than your reality. I imagined what your mind felt like the day you took your life. Things you tell yourself. My inner most demons taking every advantage of me.  

We came home and the fire in my veins made it too painful. I found myself inside a whirl wind of emotions trying to find the words. Trying to understand why. I made it through my first day at work but it took everything I had left to make it. Then repeat daily. That is my "new normal" Grief which should be a much larger letter word that 5 letters cuz it puts a simple word with something that can not be explained that simple...grief is having nothing else to give and someone asking you for something that you cant give or don't have. Yet feeling the expectations to do or act. 

I can't give you what you want to hear. I can't tell you that I will be ok. I can't tell you that I will make it through this. I can't tell you that I will smile. I can't tell you that things are normal. I can't tell you that I am fine. I can't tell you that my heart doesn't burn all the time. I can't tell you that I am a fighter. I can't tell you what my name is most days. I can't tell you that I am strong. I can't tell you what I want to eat. I can't tell you what I need. I can't tell you why my daughter took her own life. I can't tell you how to cope. I just can't....

What I can tell you is that each moment is different for me. Each one weighs different on my soul. Each moment I make it to the next one is me giving all the fight I have to make it. So when you ask me how I am doing? Do not be discouraged if the answer isn't a good one. Take that moment to see if just maybe you could hold in your pain while you carry mine for just a minute. 

For me talking about Sara even if there are tears makes me feel better lately. That doesn't mean don't cry with me. That means that its ok to talk about her. Its my favorite thing to do. What hurts the most is when someone asks me how we are doing out of obligation but doesn't stick around to see what the answer was. While this is my hell and I am not asking you to carry it for me, just maybe if they could help with listening to my thoughts or sharing a favorite memory. 

Sometimes just being there is enough to help someone get to the next moment. It's all about the moments...one moment to the next one. 

OCD and ADD

Its been building all day....like a wave...building and, rolling, turning over and over I have tried to keep it at bay. I have screamed NO inside my head and GO AWAY. I just cant keep it from hitting me. I know its coming and when it does its going to win. Is there any use in preparing...I have been super sensitive and reactive. Everything someone says makes me upset or angry. Trying to understand that this is part of this process. Process like I am some freaking test case or there is a certain way things should go. I have poured myself into organizing, being totally OCD over paper work. I have sat at the table almost all day trying to find my way. Trying to hold it back. Trying to hold it together. I have redone our entire budget or lack there of and our bills. Pulled out the markers and folders and started being me...well whatever is left of me...Sara and I loved to organize things to the point it would drive people crazy cuz we could do it for hours. We could OCD your cabinets like no ones business and for free. Part of my OCD was to start sorting your items that we have been collecting over the last few weeks. 17 folders are you freaking kidding me. That is all the years I have....1999-2015...I thought about shredding your death certificate as if that would make this nightmare stop...and then it hit me without warning, without any moment to catch my breath....I run to get your head phones....I just can't hear and see it again....

As I sit here shaking at the pain of losing you all over again. The images rush into my mind. I can't keep them out. I just want to hold you and tell you that I can fix it. I always fixed it, you always let me fix it. Why not this time?  That is what moms do. They make things better. The nightmares rush back and tear my heart into shreds all over again. I just don't want to believe that this is true. Of all the things that I have prepared myself for and overcome. I am fighter, that is what we do. We overcome and survive everything that people throw at us. I always said that I had been to hell and back with many scars but that is what made me who I am today. Scars and the fight for you for you to have a good life. We all make mistakes and I am battling mine through all this. I struggle to find the words. To be able to express the wave of emotions that goes through my body and my mind at one time. I find myself tasting the venom on my tongue at the anger. Anger that you would leave me. Leave me in the world to fight without you. Who gave you permission to leave me? I am your mom and it was not your place. We raised you to make your own choices but this is not one that you would make. Not a daughter of mine. Not someone who knew how losing someone would impact the world.  I spend hours thinking about what was going on in that little mind of yours. I try to retrace your steps of your last moments. What did you think? What could I have said instead? What could I have done instead? Did you know that losing you would destroy our world? Was your last thought that you were loved and had lived? Did you think that your life was already served its purpose? How dare you leave me to handle this without you, your hugs and your laughter. You were our world and I don't much like this world without you in it.  My entire life was you and family...all I ever knew for more than half my life was you. You are loved and I pray that every day you hear me scream it at you. Why did you leave us? All those things I didn't say to you. I pray for that moment where I can tell you how proud I am of you again for something you make look easy. For everything you did and all the things you accomplished in your short life.  I don't know how to live without you. I am 34 years old and half my life you were there and now you want me to just figure this shit out on my own. I don't know how. I define myself by being a mom and now I am supposed to be a Suicide Survivor. Well F@CK that. I just want to go back to being a mom. I want to be your mom. I want to watch you grow up. I want to see you smile, cry and yell at me. There are so many wants that I was robbed of. Memories stolen from me and I wasn't ready;


I was a suicide survivor in 1989 with my dad. I survived my own demons in 1998 with losing my friend. You don't survive this. Survivor is a person who copes well with difficulties in their life. I feel like an explosion. I am a violent and destructive, shattering shard of an object that was caused by a bomb. The day you left you sent my world into a million pieces. Every moment I am giving everything that I have to get to the next moment. I am giving 100% of who I am but what I have has been scattered into a million pieces and I can't even begin to locate myself in this messed up reality. 

A single word can make the heart open...I will not be SILENT in this hell. I will SPEAK up. Every moment is a battle and every thought is a new nightmare...Sara knew that she was loved, she new she had tons of people who she could talk to, she had friends, she had tons of family, she had it all, we talked about my dads suicide. It took my 20 years to stop being mad at him for leaving me. She knew all that. She knew that her family would give her anything and do anything for her. She didn't let anyone in. She hid it all her pain from everyone. She felt it was her battle to fight and she choose to fight alone. 

DON'T ASSUME they know how to ask for help or how to open up to talk. Don't assume they have the coping skills to make the right choice. Don't assume everyone who takes their life is depressed and full of issues. Don't assume that since you bring it up once, its a done conversation. Keep talking about those hard conversations. You think talking about sex is tough, at least you can still have those conversations with your babies.  Do your own research on how to have the conversation with your child so that you are prepared not just throwing from the hip. Most teenagers who complete suicide never talk about it from what I have found and things I have looked into. They are great actors and hid it. Almost all of them research how or ideas on how to take their life. These are my findings based on asking those hard questions to other parents who have lost their family to suicide and our own findings. 

Sara's Silence will be heard. SPEAK!!!!!!! Not Squeak!! 

HURRICANE

For the first time in 3 weeks, my alarm woke me up instead of my nightmares. Reality hit me but this time I was ready. This time I was able to put both feet on the floor. I was going to do something to #CelebrateSara. I was going to put purple in my hair. I thought she would like it and wanted to give someone a reason to talk to me about her. If they saw my hair, I could use it as a tool to share her story. I arrived at my appointment to get my hair done a bit early. I took this time to look at her pictures. The only ones I will ever have. There will be no more. There will be only what I have now. I was looking forward to talking to Allison (my hair dresser). She is a woman of God and we have always had this deeper connection that I can explain. When I see her its not just to get my hair done, its two souls reconnecting and helping guide each other. I have always gotten much more than a cut hair style. We talk for hours giving each other much more than I can explain. She helps me feel closer to God and anything that is bothering me and I help her in other ways like making her laugh at stupid stuff I say. Allison and I are two peas in a pod. We think a lot alike. We parent a lot alike. We want to make a difference. She has always made things better after as therapy (hair session). She's the kind of person that makes you want to be a better person. She is like Sara. Sassy and spunky with a lot of sweet inside.

Today would be something normal that I would do before Sara died. Every few months on a Saturday, we spend time catching up on the kids and the hubby's. Learning from each others good times and bad but this Saturday was different. This one was going to take a difference course. I wanted to share everything with her. Her belief in God and the afterlife has always made me feel better and want to improve my own connection. She gives the best hugs and truly gets me. I was proud that I had made it to my appointment all by myself and that she was my friend helping me with my crazy eye brows and hair. Last thing you really think about when your child dies, but it wasnt about that. It was about finding that human connection again. It was about sharing Sara's Silence so that her story could be heard. Allison has 4 babies and if my story could help one person. Then I can get through another day. Every life is like a drop of water that creates a ripple in the world. Moving and bumping into another becoming bigger and bigger. I want Sara's Ripple to become a HURRICANE. One that impacts everyone is in path as she has made the biggest impact on all of our lives. 

As we sat and talked about Sara. This time was different. I wanted her to know the true angel that God had on his side. How amazing she was, how smart she was, how caring, how stubborn, how we raised her to make her own choices and to own them, how she was loved, how she liked to push my buttons, how sensitive she was that I didn't see, how she couldn't stand to be less than perfect when she was perfect in our eyes, how she didn't like to be the center of attention but would do anything to make someone smile, how she loved anime, she loved to read, she loved to bake cookies and cup cakes, she loved and I mean loved pan cakes, How she was more like me than I ever knew, I found myself also talking about how Sara struggled with connecting with people who were not on her level sometimes, she liked people but on her own terms, She didn't like being told because "I am the mom that is why" because in her mind that was not a logical answer, she was most of the time the smartest kid in the room but she was so humble about it. She never made you feel inferior. She loved to write poems and stories. She loved Spanish, she loved her cats and dogs, She loved her friends. She loved Harry Potter. She loved to get me addicted to new books so that we could talk about them. She loved to scare the crap out of ppl by hiding under the bed, There were so many things that I wanted Allison to know about her. It felt great being about to have someone listen to me go on and on about Sara without getting bored.  

We talked about when you lose someone everyone asks what they can do for you; when you can't figure out what you need so how can you tell someone what you need. We talked about things that would help or could help in case someone else would walk in my shoes. I have always been a person who can tell you "I need this...and it gets done" or I am usually the one being the rock for others. Now I find myself not sure if I have eaten and how many days has it been since I eaten or even showered. The brain function of someone in my shoes is less than 10% and that is at max.  A person who has lost everything doesn't know how to speak let alone know how to put gas in their care or wash clothes. I explained that the best help we get is when someone just does something without asking me for the how when where and why. We talked about how you can't even figure out how to go to work let alone how you are going to pay bills but those simple tasks mean so much to someone in our shoes. 

Allison is very involved with her church so I recommended if someone was in my shoes gift baskets of paper items or gift cards as silly as that sounds. Allison is always thinking of others, its what she does.  The last thing you think of is if you have toilet paper. What a seriously shitty literal realization that we had. (lol) We talked about how everyone knows someone who has been effected and how whatever we are currently doing isn't working. If all this awareness and research was working then why every 12 minutes are we losing someone we love....cure is there a cure for suicide....that is the question to ask...is it a disease, is it a illness, its one persons single act that effects everyone...or is there just prevention? How do we prevent? How do we find a cure? How do we stop losing our loved ones? How to we identify these loved ones sooner? How do we let them know its ok to talk? How to we stop the STIGMA? What prevented others from taking this course? What keeps them from seeking help? What does a walk do for someone? There are all these walks... I want to talk to people. I want to share Sara's story. I want to talk to kids in high school and help them. Yes I can raise awareness with a walk but what "HURRICANE" can I leave as my daughter legacy. 

We talked about the people who have come into our lives that have made a huge impact. We talked about opening the lines of communication with your children. I spouted out 100 different suicide facts that I have read over the last 3 weeks. Let me remind you that I have lost someone to suicide already in fact; my mother has buried 2 husbands to the same thing in 1989 (my dad) and her 2nd husband John.  I am aware of the normal signs according to some stats collected over time. 

We talked about what to say to kids, what the stats are, what not to say, I am by no means an expert but I will share everything in my head to save someone else from losing their babies, I talked for hours and it felt good. I just keep saying if I can save one child or rebuild one relationship then I can honor my daughter. We laughed, we cried, we became deeper friends then we already were. She touched my soul from the first time we met and today I was able to touch hers. 

People keep telling me that I have courage. I do not see it as courage. My daughter had courage to hold on as long as she could to this physical place. My daughter had courage for so long to make a difference in so many peoples lives. My daughter had the courage to do so many great things in such a short time. My daughters single act will not define her. I am stepping through the fiery pits of hell one breath at a time. You take one step forward and find yourself 4 steps back.  Grief of a child is reliving your nightmare every moment of every day. It never stops. The constant hole in your chest. Its like a hot poker being stabbed into your chest all the time. The pain becoming to much to bear and you often find yourself alone. Not because no one wants to talk but because there are no real words to show or explain the amount of pain that you feel. I know lots of words and words to describe the pain are unfindable. (Yes Sara that is a word) 

What I want to do is encourage people to speak out. Talk about what is bothering you. I am sharing my heart and bearing my soul. I want to bring awareness to an epidemic. 3rd leading cause in losing our babies that can be SILENCED. We can silence the Stigma against mental illness or anxiety issues or whatever internal battle people are facing. We just have to SPEAK UP AND OUT! I will continue to blog and share in hopes that it will help just one. I have had enough with people assuming you have to fit into this mold to be broken. As a great writer once wrote "You don't have to have scars to be broken on the inside;" SPEAK UP! Stop the Silence. 

Renea,

You know I am serious when I use your middle name. As I sit here and hold your cat, my heart breaks missing your touch. I want to fight over the cats again pushing your buttons when the cats come to me and not you.  I wonder if your cats can see you and if they miss you like I do. I often hope that you are here and when they look away from me it cuz you are teasing them. I may hold them too tight when the heartbreak becomes too much. Its the last connection that I have to you that is breathing. Missing your crazy ways you like to make me laugh. I find myself still in shock. Still thinking that you are at your dads. Still hoping that this nightmare will be different. I need your help. I need you to give us a direction on how to best honor your name. How do we best help others? Do you like Sara's Silence? Do you like SPEAK? What would you do? What would you suggest? How could we have helped you? More coping skills? Less protective mom? I never thought that I would lose you. We would have done anything for you. I would give my last breathe to have you here. I took life for granted. I got busy and forgot sometimes that life is short. I am not sure that I can get through this with out you. Lead me in the right direction. Lead me to finding someone or something...I pray that you will come see me in my dreams. I pray that you will help me. I pray that you help Austin, Jason and your daddy. You find yourself dying a little more each day and could use a kidney punch that I showed you how to do so well. You were always the best little mom of me and always took amazing care of me when I was sick. One last request, please go see Nanny. Her heart is breaking and she is not strong enough to understand. She is 92 years old and we all know that you were her favorite. Its no secret that her heart is broken without you. She will get to see you much sooner that I ever will but I do pray that you help her through this time. 

Kiss Hugs Five Muah

Mommy

In my dreams....

All I wanted was to have you wake me up and tell me its my time to get into the shower. That was our routine. You first and then me only so that I could sleep just a few minutes longer. I was the mom and that meant I could get a few more minutes...you would have your whole life to sleep in..but you took that away. Today I wanted you to be here and wake me up. My heart begged for it. I couldn't get out of bed. My night was filled with on and off sleeping. Waking with the same pain as the moments and days before. Pain doesn't even describe the whole that replaces your reality. Its an emptiness that is taken over with whatever word is worse than pain. It;s like sucking fire into your body over and over knowing that no matter what it will never stop. It will never be ok. It will never be manageable.  So I lay there..I close my eyes tight, just a few more moments to lay here and pray that this nightmare is not real. I settle back down into a dream or nightmare or day dream but I am glad that I did.

Its pure chaos in my dream. Everything around me is moving and shaking. I cant get control of anything. I can feel that there is nothing that I can do. I feel helpless and I am alone. The house is flooding. It pouring inside the house. The basement that I am in is at an angle, its like everything is shifting to one side like if I let go I will slide down into the deep dark unknown below me. I am trying to hold on to anything that I can. I hold on to the sofa...its the only that I can hold on to...it was at that moment that I felt like I was in control of the dream. As I placed my hands on the sofa... I was telling myself that this is a dream and I can control anything that I want to happen and so I said it. I screamed that she needed to come see me. She needed to let me see her. I needed to see her. As the water poured more and more in my dream like a waterfall (all while the world around me is turning and complete chaos), something appeared. So I willed it more and more inside my head. I begged to see her face to hear her voice. The waterfall was clear but not clear enough to make out her face. I saw that she was all white. She had a white shirt one with a penguin on it. It was like a negative image, like only the outline of the penguin. I have seen this shirt before but cant place it. I see that its purple, blue and maybe yellow. Reminds me of her One Direction shirt now that I think of it but I am certain it was a penguin. It wasn't very long and she was gone but I know what I saw inside my mind. It felt like it was her. It felt like she was reaching out to me. Not like I wasn't screaming at the top of my lungs at her to come to me but I was. As soon as she was there, she was gone... As I found myself back in the dream without her, I was lost and scared. The whole house was moving like we were in a hurricane. I was trying to save the cats and dogs and Austin. The more I tried to do the more I found myself battling what to do. I was afraid. I was angry. I was confused. Even in our dreams we find that it can make it hard to make the right choice. I found myself battling my own inner demons at the end. Who can I save in this dream? Can I save myself or Austin or the cats? I truly felt the inner demons. pulling me darker and deeper down like the only thing I could do was save myself and then I woke up. 

As weird as it sounds, I felt as though this dream was trying to show me or guide me into what she was feeling. She was battling some internal struggles that she was not able to share or explain. I felt like I had no choice at one point to save myself over all else from the darkness but then it consumed me. I feel as though she was reaching out in my dream to tell me that she was there, even if it was only part of her. I have begged and begged night after night for her to let me know that she is here. Its a little piece of hope in a hopeless never ending nightmare. 

Sara, 

I thank you so much for giving me a little piece of you today. I am proud to be your mom and I always have been. You will always be my princess and I will forever be changed because of July 20, 1999. The day you saved my life. Thank you for giving me the best 16 years that I could ask for. You were always great about taking care of your mom and being the best daughter in the world. Going through all your awards at daddy's house today was amazing to know that I had the privilege to call you my daughter.  What an amazing daughter we already knew that we had.You are missed and the tears will never stop, but I promise you that we will honor your name. We will continue to work towards Sara's Silence and SPEAK!!! The day you took your life does not define you, it defines a moment in time. What matters is all the great things you did prior to that day and all the people after. Keep coming to me in my dreams, hell show up and move stuff in my house. Just keep sending me signs that you are still here. CALLING MY ANGEL....PLEASE JUST LET ME KNOW YOU ARE HERE. 

Kiss Hug Five Muah

Mommy

The demons that haunt my reality are real.

Sleep while grieving is something that is more of a wish than a reality. Even in your dreams there are few moments when your thoughts are quiet or pleasant. Just open your eyes, I told myself but I couldn't find the strength. When I opened my eyes I was scared that what I would wake up to was worst than I had already been through. How could I even imagine anything being worst than losing our baby? Well I didn't lose her I know where she is, she is gone. She will never walk in the door, give me hugs, tell me that she loves me, she will never...as I am thinking about her like I do every morning I find myself afraid to get out of bed. If today is going to be like the last 20 days of nightmares, then I don't care for anymore either. Afraid that the flashbacks will be too much for me to handle. I was alone and scared. As I found myself trying to get the courage to put my feet on the floor, I noticed that Sara's cat had found a new place to hang out. She was sitting on the very top of the dresser looking over at me. It felt like she was telling me, "look lady we got this now get out of bed and get me my treats." Its something we do every morning and every night, the cats have me trained. Sara would tell me that I shouldn't give them too many...well I try to keep them to a few but sometimes I give them more these days to see if she will notice. So I put my feet on the floor and took a deep breath....it wasn't easy and it was horrible. The pain in my chest was unbearable...I wanted to reach inside my chest and rip it out. Its been like that for days....never stops yet keeps beating...my heart beats while yours has stopped...how I would give anything to change the fate dealt...I just kept putting one foot forward...

Mom came over to hang out and we decided to run errands. See how I can handle people and places. When we were out today and as I was hurting about all the memories that we will never have, one of Sara's song Owl City Firefly came on. I took another breath. As we were leaving, You and Me by Lifehouse came on. I almost lost it again. I had enough and we came home. For the first time since Sara passed away, I started vomiting anything that came to mind. It had been 3 weeks and I had been holding onto the flashbacks. I had talked to my wonderful husband but there were still things that I was holding in. I didn't want to share these things with people. I didn't want others to be upset. I didn't want it to be true. If I say it out loud then it really happened. If I don't say it then I am not honoring our baby. So I just starting talking... Sharing some of the darkness that its within me. I felt as though I needed to Stop the Silence. I needed to embrace "Sara's Silence" and share the demons that were attacking me. We talked for a long time about that day Sara passed, not going into every detail or every imagine but it made it a easier to share the story then it was to hold it in. It was a good start before my next therapy appointment.

Therapy appointments are not for everyone but its a safe place that I can be honest to share things and so I do. -I knew that I would need to have the courage of a lion to make it through the next 90 minutes. I don't have courage. I am not strong. I am just me and all I have ever known is gone. This would be the first time, I would tell every detail of the day and events following and I knew that my husband would have to endure this hell with me yet again. Before the appointment I found myself overwhelmed. I wasn't sure that I could go in there and not lose it on this poor lady. It was truly a roll coaster of emotions. I was up then down....crying, screaming inside my own head. I just wanted out of my own thoughts. I wasn't sure if I could tell this lady the horror that is inside my head. The last image I have of my baby is one that is unimaginable. Take your biggest fear and add one million times worst and then add losing everything in the blink of an eye. The demons that haunt my reality are real, they are forever at my door, knocking at my every existence. The guilt demon is a real bitch. She spits venom and anger in my face over and over again. The "what if demon" is a hater that attacks the very essence of my soul.  The blame demon creeps up and attacks whatever I have left. So when I have nothing else to give, the hurt and fear just take over whatever crumbs are left behind. Leaving me raw and helpless...with nothing to hold on to...

As I was sitting there, reliving my hell over and over again all I could think of was the ripple effect...How one person's actions changed so much and so huge...how my actions were effecting my husband, how my words were touching the therapist, how our story would continue to touch lives. How maybe Sara's story can help someone else, How Sara's Silence needs to touch people. How can I survive this...How can we take one more step...Suicide is a permanent end to an issue but we don't talk about is the ripple effect when one takes that action. Everyone's life impacts someone, somewhere. We had no idea that amount of people that Sara had touched. She still continues to touch lives. I find myself telling everyone I know about Sara and how amazing she was. Today I was able to share some of the nightmare in my head. Today I was not SILENT. Today I found the ability to speak the words. Today I found myself climbing out of the darkness...so that Sara's Silence would be heard. What we do in life echos and ripples to everyone around you. 

Sara, 

My dearest daughter, life will never be the same. When your heart stopped beating, I wish mine would have too. Every day is a battle. Every day is another hell. Every day I make the choice to live for you and in your name. Every day I pray that you will come to me in my dreams. Every day I want to see you. Every day I pray that this is not my reality. Every day I pray to understand. Every day I miss your hugs. 

Kiss Hug Five Muah

Mommy

One day at a time...is harder than you think

Today I was able to get out of bed. Get showered and hold myself together for the most part.  My mom and dad stopped by to drop off a few things and it was nice to see them. Checking my sanity levels I am sure.  My "Bestie"stopped by to take me to run errands. Driving can be a struggle at times these days when you are not the most logical.  We have been family since we were 12 years old. We are more sisters than friends and she flexed some time to help me out which was just what I needed. We needed to mail Tony and Brooke a CD from the #CelebrateSara service and return some clothes that she didn't ever get to wear back to the store. The post office went well however when the lady at the store asked me why I was returning the clothes, I couldn't help but cry as I told her my daughter had passed away and she never wore them and wouldn't be needing them now. I felt the wave of emotion come over me. Do I scream at this lady for not asking me more or do I share Sara's Silence with the world but in true Allie style I ended up making some god awful awkward comment. Sara would have been rolling her eyes at me or hiding under a desk. I have never been one for words and when I bad things happen I tend to say dumb things. Its part of who I am and I cant help it. It comes out of my mouth. I find laughter to fix almost anything. So I took a deep breathe and laughed it off. Threw in a few more jokes at least what I can remember. I have never been one for holding my comments or speaking my mind. Most of the time its appropriate.

We had a few visitors come by the house today which was nice to keep my mind busy since its been quiet around the house. Family brought over a meal and talked about Sara which happens to be my favorite thing to talk about every day. Jason's mom saved the day and got Austin some lunch stuff for a few days since I was slacking in almost all areas of being a bonus mom these days. 

Then all of a sudden there is PIZZA well there was a girlfriend of mine carrying pizza. It was GLUTEN FREE and she even had one for Jason that was DAIRY FREE. I was excited.  Then she said that more people were coming to see me. I am pretty sure it was an intervention about my current eating habits but we didn't get into that. When I first heard that we were going to have visitors for dinner and the number was growing I became overwhelmed. Grief is a little bastard. You never know if you are going to like what you feel or like what you think at any given moment. I didn't want to cry. I wanted to hold in what little calm I had available. I had been having a day that I wasn't wanting to chop down the last few trees I have left in my yard and I hadn't spent all day in the house crying. I had made it another day. One more day, one day at a time, one breathe at a time....

My phone rang and I stepped outside to take the call. It was Sara's dad checking on me and letting me know that he was ok. It makes me feel close to her when the parents of Sara are all together...all 4 of us. While I can't spend every minute with them, it makes my hell a little easier knowing they are ok. I took my time with the call, I didn't rush and we talked about Sara. Some fears I was having and some thoughts that were haunting my mind. One thing I have learned is that you need to do what you need to do to get to the next moment. If that means you ignore the busy house to talk to someone then you do it. People who love you will understand. It helped me refocus and come back into the house. 

I walked into the smell of my favorite PIZZA and salad and a house full of family. Most would call them friends but these people are more than that.We sat around just like we had a few weeks ago for Sara's bday. We talked about her, telling stories, laughing, crying, me saying akward things like I seem to do even more these days. At the end of the night, I was feeling a little more like I could handle one more day. Its not about the PIZZA, lunches for little man or the running errands...its about the fact that they came out and spent time showing me that I am not alone. I was surrounded by family and friends on and off all day and it was really nice to have someone there. Not every day will be like today, but I want to thank everyone for the support that we have been getting. 

Losing a child is the worst thing imaginable. It will never be the same. Nothing will ever be what it was. I can't imagine how we are going to get through this but I know that when I can not carry myself anymore...I have my husband and a long line of people who are willing to carry some of the weight for me. 

I made it through another day. Grief makes you stupid all day every day. You find yourself counting minutes. Just one more minute I can hold it together. Or asking the same question 3 or 4 times. Did I eat today? Did I brush my teeth? Do I care if anything ever gets done again? and then you do....one day at a time...one thing at a time...one moment at a time....

Sara, 

While I sat in your room tonight talking with your Aunt Brooke about you and what we can do in your honor, I tried to think of things you would like. Most of all, I just wanted to talk about you. About how proud I was of you. How amazed I was at your intelligence. You were always the smartest person in the room, including your mom. We talked about how much you loved your friend Liz and how happy I was that you had a best friend. We talked and talked for hours. It felt great. I felt like you were in there with me like so many times before. I imagined you ignoring me with your head phones in while you played on your phone and for a moment I felt like it was just another day...I miss you my angel. In fact I need a better word than miss, miss doesn't even come close to what I feel.  I love you Sarabear. I hope to see you in my dreams. 

Kiss Hug Five Muah

Mommy

CALLING ALL ANGELS

I have always believed that their is a higher power and the angels exist. I have the most amazing angles on my side since I was a child. My dad, my gma Williams, and my best friend Sara Ann. These are who I prayed to when times were tough as a kid.  I know that they have never left my side even now I hold on to the fact that they are here with me. I find some peace that Sara was met with such amazing people the day she left us. 

Since the day you left there have been many signs that you are still here with us, some of these stories will be out of order but I share them as I remember them. I want you to keep reaching out and keep telling us that you are here. It keeps me going when I decide that I don't have to or want to. I encourage if anyone else has had a moment that Sara has reached out to them, please comment below even if it seems silly. It helps me so why not share your story or send it to me personally and I will share without your name.

My first encounter....It was Monday, we had to go back to the house, back to the last place I saw your face, back to the demons that were now my reality. Back to the house that was ripping apart my very sense of who I was. It wasn't the first time we had been back to the house, but this was different. We need to collect things for your celebration and to collect things for the next few days. It was a blur of emotions. I couldn't think clearly and all I could feel was a giant hole in my heart. I felt sick. I felt like I wanted to scream and beat the ground. I wanted you to walk out of the house and tell me that this was just another joke you were playing on me. Its what you did. You would hide under the bed and jump out to scare Jason. I just wanted that to happen again. I longed for it. 

As I ran over the items that I needed to collect. I found myself being lost in thoughts of you and how to honor you. It wasn't about me or what I wanted. This was the last time I would be able to truly listen to you. I was when I was trying to figure out what she would wear...most of her things were dirty in her laundry basket. I told her to wash her clothes that day but as a teenager she didn't. They were in her basket all dirty. So I was thinking what would she like...she loved the dresses that we bought her for Spain so I went looking for one. She had worn one just the night before but I couldn't bare to use that one. It smelled like my baby. I picked out her black flower dress and white shawl. She really liked that dress a lot.  I picked out her shoes, sports bra, and then her underwear. Out loud I said...PINK it is. If she wanted a different color then she should be here to choose it. I was feeling sadness and frustration as I walked into the kitchen. As I soon as I was saying it out loud again "that she was gonna have to wear PINK underwear", two pictures fell from the wall onto the floor in front of me that she was in one of them. These pictures have not moved in 3 years. You could tell that by the dust that was surrounded the empty place those once were. It was like she was reaching out to tell me that she was not in agreement with my choices. So I very mom like said-Well I don't exactly agree with yours either. You should be here if you wanted to pick and I stepped over the pictures. It was the first moment that I took a breathe. I placed all the items that I thought we would need in a bag and headed back to my moms house. Her dad would be meeting us there to collect the items and pictures that we collected. We pull every picture and scrapbook that I have ever made off the walls, off shelves and to the car. This was my first encounter...I will continue to beg her to come to me in my dreams, in my reality, anything she can give. 

Finding the courage...

Today was a day full of different emotions. Every morning, my nightmare replays in my head. Its the last thing I think of and the first thing that comes to my eyes.  Its a constant hell that it my "new normal" as the licensed therapist call it. Finding my "new normal". I loved my old normal. I'd give up my own life to save her. There was no one scheduled to come over, no visits from friends during the day, no reason to get out of bed. Yet I did. I got out of bed. I remembered all the people who were praying for our family and it helped me put one foot on the floor. Their words echoed in my ears. I sat there and thought about all the people who are sharing our story to save someone else.  My feet hit the floor and hell hath no anger like a mother who lost her child. I was feeling overwhelmed by my lack of sleep once again. I look outside and its pouring. It reminds me of Sara's celebration where people were lined out the door being poured on just to show there support and love for our baby girl. I remember laughing to myself that night at everyone who was wet and wanting to thank them for being there. It was pouring angry outside, usually when I feel angry I go outside and chop the crap out of the nearest tree or bush. Since I was unable to go outside and take out some of my anxious feelings. I decided I would try to put the pieces of our room back together. I haven't been the best house keeper in my life let alone now.  My family will tell you that I was a mom first and a house keeper last. My anger and ADD was in full force...I ran around the house doing laundry, going through my shoes, clearing out old papers, searching for anything that I could find that had Sara's handwriting or smell or pictures. I tackled the basement clearing out anything and everything that I could. I spent hours pouring myself into housework when I finally decided to take a break and look out the window. It was that moment that there was sunshine shinning so bright. I walked outside and it was at that moment that I found a moment of calm come over me. I felt like today would be a day that I could take another breathe, I could take another step. Just one more. If I imagine how I feel every day being a battle and every day having to make the choice to keep going without her, I can only imagine how that little girl of mine felt trying to find her place in this world with whatever she was fighting. Someone said that I will find the courage to keep going. I am not strong, I am weak and I am raw and I am vulnerable but I am fighting.  Some people call it courage, I am not courageous.  To save just one parent will help keep me going. My fight is To Stop the Silence and to Stop the Stigma. You don't have to look like you are depressed or have issues to have your own battles. They talk about Sex Ed, STD's, Rape, Drugs, Stranger Danger, bullies, texting and driving...what about coping skills, what about your personal health, what about mental illness, how about we start talking about the 3rd leading cause in teenagers!!!!!!! Find the courage to have the conversation with your child. Don't discount there concerns and don't assume that they will be able to tell you whats going on in there mind. Sara didn't match ANY of the signs for a child who needed treatment or to be watched. 


Sara, 

Today I pray that you help others find the words and courage to speak out. I miss you and I don't want to live without you here with me. I think of you every minute of every hour. You are the giant hole that is my heart. I keep trying to put all your memories that I can find and shove them in there like a band-aid. Once in a while it helps with the chest pain. I keep telling myself that you are at your dads and will be coming over soon. Then the flashback brings my day dream to a halt. I find myself trying to hold myself together long enough to just breathe. You are the most amazing gift anyone could ask for. Until the day that I will see you again, I love you my baby. 


Kiss Hug Five Muah

Mommy

The Anger inside

Today was the first day I woke up alone in the house since the day you left. I got my feet on the floor and to the shower. I could do it. Just one foot at a time. The water scares me and I have to shower with the door open to protect myself from my own fears and my own thoughts. I knew that I needed to get ready for my friend to come over to see me. She would be here any moment. I had to get my shit together. The phone rang and people called but I didn't feel like talking to people while I tried to pick myself off the floor. I spent the morning talking to an old friend who told me that our story helped her to go through her daughters things, She found journals where her daughter had written down negative thoughts and she used Sara's Silence as a door way to talking about feelings, suicide and coping skills. She said that they were talking about Sara at church and using her story to help others. This was the best thing that anyone could do for me is to share Sara's Silence. 

 I have so much on my mind that things may not make sense but this is what I am thinking of. I am struggling with getting my anger under control today. I am angry at myself. I feel as though I let my daughter down. All I have ever known is being a mom. I was a kid raising a kid. I gave her the best that I could. I have known more loss and heartbreak than one person could ever imagine. I lost my dad to suicide at the age of 8, he OD on pills. I overcame the hate. It took me 20 years to stop being angry at him for leaving me. I lost my grandma and best friends within 3 months of each other at the young age of 16. I battled demons and blame. Then I had Sara and she saved me. She was the reason to live. She was the reason to go on and be better. She was the reason I wanted to live. She was the reason I was here on earth. Her dad and I always gave her everything we could. She was our world. She was our everything. She had two bonus parents that loved her and she loved them.  I raised my daughter to care for others by showing her how through my actions and be true to herself. She was the most amazing person I know. She was a perfect blend of all the people who loved her. I AM MAD THAT I DO NOT GET ANY MORE MOMENTS WITH HER. I watch as people take those moments for granted. I want one more I love you. One more hug One more snuggle. ANYTHING. I would give anything to have one more with her. I feel as though I have let her down. I just want to tell her that I will fix it or we can call her dad and he will fix it. We always fixed it for her. There was nothing that we wouldn't do. 

I am going to group meetings and seeking counseling. Today I went to my first EMDR treatment. As I was sitting there we looked over and the lady was wearing a T shirt for her child's school which had a small penguin on it with dog tags. I looked at the lady and told her about Sara and that she loved penguins.I told her that my 16 year old daughter had died and I began to cry.  I was upset that she was there saving her son while I had to say good bye to my daughter. She had signs to get him help and I had nothing.  Treatment was not exactly helpful instead all I found was more anger. More missed memories missed time from her. I was told to picture a place in my mind that I could put all these traumatic memories until I could process them safely. In my mind to create a safe box to put them in. A box that is strong and can handle anything I put in it.  What I found was that I pictured a trash can and then in my mind I beat the FUCK out of it. As I sat there and told the lady, yes I feel calm while I beat the shit out of the dumb thing. I became upset and began to cry.  I have been to more appointments in the last 2 weeks that I can count and nothing is making this nightmare better maybe nothing will. As she finished our appt I found myself becoming so angry I was shaking. I am paying her to provide something....answers anything. You are trained in this shit. Give me one damn good reason my daughter would take her own life.  I asked the lady to help me understand why someone would do this? How could someone who was loved so much leave us? And then I said it out loud....I said that I killed my best friend Sara Ann with a cell phone and now I killed my baby....why I am the one to live? I asked her to explain to me how someone could get to a point that this is an option? Explain to me the pain what does it look like how does it feel? How does one not see the signs that your baby is hurting? How can one suffer in silence? These are the questions that I continue to ask myself as I sit her in agony thinking about her. I have been trying to get through the days and process this horrible what ever you call it. Its worse than hell. Its beyond anything I have ever been through. I cant imagine life without her. I'm lost without her yet trying to create a legacy in her name. There are so many youth today that take their lives and I want Sara's Silence to help them and help parents. No one should have to lose their child. NO ONE. If I have to spend every last breathe I have to save another parent from this hell that will continue to help me get out of bed each day. Someone told me that the worst is over and it will never be any worse that it was July 30th...however I disagree every day is the next worst day. Its a fiery hell that keeps having gas poured onto it. 


Sara, 

My dearest daughter. All my life all I ever wanted was to be your mom and raise you to be the beautiful person you were. Reading all the stories of how you helped people and touched so many lives make me more proud to be your mom. You are always my angel. One day we will be together again. I love you always. I pray every night to see you again and that this nightmare is not my reality. I'm sorry I didn't see your pain. I am proud that we raised a beautiful and talented young lady who inspired people and touched peoples lives. My heart is forever broken. I am not even sure how to go on without you. This I promise....Sara's Silence will be heard and #CelebrateSara will matter!

Hug Kiss Five Muah 

Mommy