A Poem by Sara

You don't need scars to be broken on the inside.
You don't need to be friendless to feel lonely.
You don't need to fail to feel like a failure.
It doesn't change the situation when you claim everyone feels this way,
If you're so sure, then why don't you prove it
Come on, Come on, move it or lose it
I don't have much more time here-
So lets just end this.

This was one of the many writings that I found hidden in between Sara's school work. I'm not sure when it was written but assuming it was in the last two years based on the other notebooks in her room. Most likely it was last year but I am not 100% sure. I as her mother had no idea things were that bad inside that little girl.  Sara was a straight A student. She liked things to be perfect. We loved being OCD about organizing things. She didn't get in trouble. She had earned the right to have her privacy respected. She showed no signs of struggles that were that bad. Normal teenager stuff. Normal mom and daughter disagreements. We never allowed her to dress inappropriate, she didn't get mixed up in drugs, boys or anything bad. She was the all-american girl next door and now my perfect little girl is gone. My life is forever different, she is forever young and I am forever broken. People don't understand that. Losing your child like this changes who you are. I will never be the same Allie. I am me but different. On the outside I look like me but the inside is shattered.  I am learning that some people don't understand and that is ok. I am learning who really cares when times become unimaginable. I am learning that sometimes a stranger can be a friend in times like this. I am learning that being strong all the time isn't something that I can do. I need people to help hold me up. 

Today I didn't want to get out of bed. I had 38 minutes of sleep. Most nights all I can get is 2-3 hours if its a good night. It was a horrible night of tossing and turning. I felt like I got my ass kicked by the devil himself all night. I couldn't find the courage to face another day without her. I wasn't sure how. I got out of bed, got dressed and went right back into the bed under the covers. I just couldn't do it. Every day I breathe without her in it eats away at my soul.  Every day I struggle with the what if's, what if I would have come home on time that night, could I have saved her, what if I called her when I got off at 4:30 could I have saved her, what if demons were eating me alive. As if my own guilt isn't enough, you have people who want to preach at you about gun safety and asking how I didn't see anything? No you asshole, if I had seen something I would have gotten her help. I suffered in high school myself and I got help. Again, I am well aware of suicide signs. She had none of them. 

My husband helped me get out of bed and going. I didn't want to. I wanted to hid under the covers and pretend like the last month wasn't true.I wanted to hold her and touch her. I wanted to give her another hug, kiss, five , muah...like we did for the last 16 years.  I made it to work and took one step at a time. I wish I could say work was a good distraction but its not. I worry all the time that I am not doing a good job or that I will have a melt down while people are watching. I find myself running to the bathroom when I start to lose control which is often. Lets face it, I was only there for like 6 weeks when Sara died. I didn't know my job at that time well enough now add PTSD with the trauma that I have gone through makes it scary for me. My co-workers are amazing. There are a few for sure that have been great and supporting me from lunches to explaining something again and again to just allowing me to talk about her without being weird about it. This one girl always listens to my stories about Sara, it helps me through my day. Someone is always willing to help out with food.  My work is supportive and encouraging. Its my own internal battles but I need to work. I need to feel like I have something that matters and it kind of helps being able to pay the mortgage. Those bastards don't exactly care if your child dies..they just want to get paid. 

When you suffer a loss such as this and you are the one to find your baby like I did, you live in constant fear. You can't remember anything prior to, let alone yesterday. If you ask me what I ate...I don't know. I am not sure if I ate or the last time I ate. I am not sure how I got dressed in the morning. Sometimes you forget how to get home. I find myself confused and unsure. I was always the person who gave 150% and now that 150% can only give 10%. I was always smart and a fast learner. I have 7 years worth of appraisals that speak for themselves. I am used to being able to remember EVERY DETAIL. I am used to being able to problem solve anything. You have an issue, Allie can fix it.  My therapist said that I will not be back to that ability for some time...as if losing someone isn't enough...you find that you have lost yourself as well and you feel stupid all the time.... Your brain goes into protective mode and shuts off all ability to function except for basic needs. Where it tries to protect you from the trauma by blocking out other things from entering your head. I can read the same thing 5 times and not remember. I feel like an old person..like I am suffering from memory loss and the loss of my baby. I took her picture to work. I find myself flipping her picture over backwards when the pain becomes to much to look at her at work. Then I feel guilty and flip her picture back over. I have suffered the greatest loss and I am constantly afraid. As if anything else more horrible can happen. I struggle every day with living without her but I will keep going on so that her story can be heard. So that others will continue to talk to their children. 

Stolen from Sara's dad James's facebook because its so well written-and I couldn't write it better if I tried. 

"What are you doing in your lives in regards to serious matters?

Sara wasn’t the typical posterchild for suicide. Her depression, her demons she kept inside and had truly shared with no one. She let myself and her friends see a piece, but on the whole was a happy teenager. Deep inside though something got the better of her. Please, talk to your families, your friends, your children today. 

Whether you are being proactive or being the one to find the courage to express your feelings. Don’t wait for someone else or wait until it’s possibly too late. Be it mental health, sex, drugs, whatever… It’s easy to like a post on social media, but are you truly following through? 

We all have our demons."

What are you doing? Have you talked to your kids? Do you think that once is enough? Have you looked into what help is out there in case someone needs it? Do you know the signs to even look for? Have you prepared your children in case they are faced with someone talking about ending their life and how to handle it correctly? Are you willing to risk everything by not talking about it? 

Have you broken the silence? If you are suffering in silence yourself, please reach out. Please tell someone. Please allow someone to help you. Please find the courage to hold on. Please hold on to that hope just a little longer. Your life does matter!!!! 

SPEAK!!!!! STOP BEING SILENT!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE. SARA'S SILENCE WILL BE HEARD. 

WHEN IN DOUBT, REACH OUT!!!!!!!!!

I need to thank a bunch of people who help me get through each day-I am weak and holding on and each of you help in different ways-Thank you to everyone past and present who reads my blog every day, to everyone who shares my story, (it sucks and its horrible but if sharing saves one life why not), to everyone who sent and still sending messages and texts(sorry I don't always reply but I still need them!),to those who come over and help with house work that gets neglected, to those who cut the dogs toe nails, to those who offer to buy me to lunch just to show they are there...thank you to those who sent food and are still sending food (its a blessing to not have to worry about what to cook but just put in oven to reheat), to those who have sent gift cards huge thank you, to those who have donated and still donating in Sara's memory(Every little bit helps with our plans to honor her for the KC zoo and TN aquarium), to everyone for the love and support that we have felt, to those who are still sending cards and little tokens in the mail...Thank you to my family for being there for me when I couldn't be there myself, to Sara's friends for sharing pieces of her with me when I ask for stories or pictures or doodles...Thank you to everyone who has helped or contributed in any way, your kindness isn't unnoticed. Its what get me to the next moment... 

and to my husband for carrying me through this hell one step at a time, for believing in me and us, for loving me unconditionally, and for showing me its ok to be vulnerable, weak, and broken. I am broken and my demons are bigger than I am at times, but I am not alone and I am not SILENT. I have hope and I know that every life matters!!!!