Firsts moments...robbed....

While we should be enjoying our holiday weekend, all I can think about it her. Missing her. Missing her smile and her laugh. Missing her pushing my buttons. Missing calling her by her middle name when I wanted her attention. She is the only thing running through my head over and over. Wondering does she realize the impact of her choices. Does she see the pain that I endure every day? Would she change it if she could? Is she proud of me for not climbing in a hole and staying there forever? Is she sorry for what she did? Why won't she just come to me and tell me why she did this? Why wouldn't she let me fix it? What could be so bad in her perfect little life that I didn't see? What was attacking her? What and why's that plague my mind over and over...you never stop thinking about it...maybe for a minute, maybe for a moment...but the last memory of her and the what/why demons are constantly on stand by ready to attack. When you aren't in a constantly fighting them off which is hard, they attack over and over.  I seriously think its like a tag team wrestling match inside your head, when you fight one out of your head, the other one finds its way in. You are already exhausted from the first fight that you find yourself with nothing to protect yourself with. Its a constant battle of protect and pain. How can one find healing when the wounds re-open over and over again without warning without your permission. How can one try to cope when you are in a constant battle of survival...how does one get from one moment to the next...I take it one step at a time. One moment at a time. I give myself permission to fail over and over again. I try not to be to hard on myself and I find myself rereading any texts from friends or family that have reached out. I find strength from others when I can.

All I can think about are the moments that I will no longer get to have. All the missed memories that were taken from me. I will never get to see her grow up. I will never get to see what she decided to do with her life. I will never get to know...as a parent you spend your life giving everything you can for your children. I feel as though that was robbed of me. I feel like a poison and anyone who comes near me gets hurt. I find myself building a wall to protect everyone from me and from my pain. Everything I see reminds me of her, everything I do reminds me of the fact that I will get no more memories. I will get no more first with her. Instead I will get first holiday without out her, first Xmas with out her, first anniversary of her death, first birthday without her...how does one get through all those first with out the one person who has always been there. As I watch the rest of the world grow up and people move on with their lives, I find myself dying all over again. Part of who I am is gone. Someone told me that "being a mom isn't the only thing that I am and it doesn't define Allie." While No being a parent didn't define me, its the only thing I've known since I was a child. I have been a mom literally half my living life. Part of my soul has been taken from me. I find myself being angry with God for not protecting her from herself. Doesn't he remember what I have already been through in my life. Doesn't he know my loss was already more than I could bare, I would have never thought of all the people on this planet I would walk in this hell. I find myself struggling to understand my own faith and understand how to continue on without her. Part of her ashes are around my neck. I carry her with me always but its not the same. I want to see her and hold her again. Heck I would even let her mother me again. I just need her. I don't know how to survive without her.

Last night my nightmares were the worst that they have been. My mind couldn't protect myself against the demons inside. They relentlessly attacked over and over all night long. I found myself shaking in my bed so bad that I had get up to take medication to calm down. I shake already all the time but this was different, this was eating at the core of what I have left. Which lets be honest, isn't much. The only reason I get out of bed most days is that I truly love my husband, family, friends and I don't want them to worry more than they are. but also I want to tell someone about her story, for someone to ask me about my purple hair, to see who has shared my story, to see how Sara's life has impacted someone else and save someone else's children. I love when someone I don't know sends me a message to tell me that because of Sara they are having tough conversations with their children. Weekend are hard because there is no work to go to and you find yourself alone with your mind so you try to find things to keep you busy that are free.  You try to do normal things but normal doesn't feel right. We try to find things that we have never done before so we went to an auction today just to get out of the house. While we were there a young girl had purple in her hair. I took that opportunity to speak up and talk about Sara. I word vomited all over the place for almost 30 minutes. I felt like I reached them, there were about 5 teens listening as I spoke. Others joined into the conversation expressing they too struggled or they too have lost someone. We in that moment were united as one group openly talking about mental health, about Sara, about her story and about their struggles.

After the auction, I found myself emotionally drained. I just wanted to lay down and bawl my eyes out. I find that if I can keep the emotions under control for most of the day but by the end of the night they are coming out in a wave of anger, sadness, happiness, you name it I run a mix of emotions.  I decided that I would go through my phone and look at all the videos and pictures of her. Some days its too painful to see her pictures. I know that sounds horrible but some days the pain is just too much to carry. I realized that in the last 6 months, I didn't have a lot. Not as much as I would have loved. She had spent most of the summer gone in Spain or in Tennessee with her Aunt and Uncle...this was a very busy summer for her. I found myself angry that I didn't take more pictures. It was more than I could bare, so I held my phone and took a nap hoping to see her in my nap dreams.

Since losing Sara, I find myself lost most of the time. I find that I will not apologize for being exhausted, tired, angry, upset, etc...I just do what I need at that time which is complicated more by the fact that I don't know what I need most of the time. Good news is that when I have asked for help, people have jumped to help me. It takes a lot for me to ask for help so when I do, I am putting all my trust into that person. Its at that moment that I have found the courage to ask for help. Most of the time I can't find the courage to ask or I don't know. I find myself sad that people who I thought were my friends would be there more for me. I find strangers reaching out to help just because they heard about Sara's story. I find myself struggling every day to get to the next one. Grief is not the same for anyone and grief of losing a child leaves you with no tools or coping skills. I find myself looking at facebook to see who all has shared my story because I know that we can save just one.

So while you are enjoying your holiday weekend with your family, take pictures-you never know when it will be the last holiday. Hug your children a little longer-you never know when will be the last. Have those hard conversations with your children-you don't know whats in their head if you don't ask. Share Sara's Silence and SPEAK up!!!!!! Tell someone about her even if its just one!