As I sit here missing my daughter, my heart burns as it always does, the tears are flowing and I cant stop them, I can barely hold it together. I don't even want to, I just want to lose control and scream at her, I just want her. She is the only one that can make this wound better and she will never come back. This is a wound that will never heal. My head is swirling with all the conversations over the last few hours with people who care and some who just want to spit at me.
You have those moments where you are just unsure what is the right answer or what is the best way to handle a situation? I am having this huge internal struggle over what to do or how to react...I am not known for being PC or always saying that right things. In fact, I say stupid shit all the time even worse now. A lot of you who are reading this blog are probably nodding your head while something I said runs through your mind. I am known for having a huge heart and always being there for anyone who needed me.....I am a born firecracker....I can go from 0-10 in about 2 seconds especially when it comes to my only daughter.. I act first and think later add the loss of her and now there is no think about your words or actions...its just there and in your face....I am just there and in your face...I have no fear when it comes to voicing my thoughts..yet I am afraid all the time...ugh
I miss her beyond words... unless you lost your child-you have no idea what I am going through so please don't try to tell me you do. I pray no one else does. I carry a huge burden every day....my nightmares are real, I see my precious angels face and body every day..the one where I found her. Its forever stuck in my head playing on repeat constantly battling the demons knocking at my door and all I want to do is keep this from happening to someone else. All I want to do it help people....help other kids....my intentions are not to upset anyone. I just want people to talk to their kids.
I want the school to acknowledge that she went there and I don't even know why but it means something to me maybe because school was her life. Sara was always doing homework. Always studying...missed out on fun times for good grades...missed out on lots of things for grades. She would rather do homework than anything else(except anime she loved that more) School was everything to that little girl and for it to feel like they are dismissing her is beyond heartbreaking. While I understand that this is a sensitive topic and the thought of Sara opens wounds for people, it might help if we talked about it more. The only way we are going to save other children is to talk to them about suicide and mental health. I don't think her school had a program even in place for things like this. If you check the school website, its impossible to find help. Try it and tell me I am wrong. This needs to be addressed in schools. They need to proactively have on-going mental health education. We are talking about mental health and well being of our children. We have to educate them about their bodies why not their mental status too.
I want to go to the school like a pit bull and demand that they do something in honor of my baby, contact the media, stand outside with signs at the school. We had over 500 people at her service and I am sure they would rally with me but will that help...Her story matters. Her silence needs to be heard around the world. Its the perfect time, its suicide awareness month and week next week. A mother was just on the news tonight talking about her son who sounded a lot like Sara in being a perfectionist but I find myself with this internal battle. Some people who were close to Sara including myself need time to heal, need time to understand, need time to cope with their demons, need time...need to find their new different...this is something that I can understand better than anyone. You can't help others while you are trying to hold yourself up but I find strength every day fighting to get her story out there, fighting to go on with out her, fighting to save just one...
While I understand their need for time, Sara has no more time. I will get no more time with her. So I struggle with finding a balance. Understanding what is right or wrong...no one knows, at least I don't. I hear stories about how other schools in other districts have celebrated other children like Sara but our remains silent with her story and her name. They will do nothing to remember her by so not to upset anyone because this is a "delicate situation". BUT I can donate money for a something at the school in her name. Then it's ok. Good job SM South. I can give you money to honor my child but you wont do even a moment of silence for her. Well let the fund raising begin!!!!!! I made really cool Sara's Silence awareness wristbands that I will be selling in her honor. :) I will have them in 2 weeks!
Don't get me wrong...The school is juggling my point of view style and then others who don't want the school to talk to their children. Again as parents, we have to protect our children and we are all entitled to our opinions. I can understand not wanting to talk about it at school. Its a scary thing to talk about and it upsets people. I cry every day. I tell the devil every day that today is not his day.
Six weeks ago, I would be that mad parent yelling at someone about how dare they talk to my child about this. Its my job bla bla bla because Sara didn't fit the mold. Most kids don't who kill themselves. That is what you need to understand. No one is exempt from suicide. Everyone has moments in life when we make the choice to live.
I am not discounting what the school is trying to do in regards to awareness and the right message. The school is doing things about suicide awareness since its awareness week next week and they are trying to get out the right "message" but I also feel as though they are uneducated when they tell me that Sara's choice will make others think about it doing the same. There are no facts to support that one way or the other. Google is my friend. You can support anything on there. What I can tell you is that the number of teens killing themselves is increased to number 2 cause of death. Are you going to wait til it hits number one to put something into schools cause I am not willing to. What I can tell you is that what we are doing ISN'T working and hasn't worked in the last 30 years since the numbers of teens taking their lives just keeps increasing.
There is this stigma with suicide and mental health that needs to stop. We can cure suicide and it starts with talking to your children and giving them the tools to help themselves and others in crisis. It starts with a conversation about Sara and "emotional safety". Please talk to your children. As far as the school, I am so confused as to what to do. I want to help people. I want her story to matter. I want her legacy to be that she saves someone else from hurting themselves and that they find the courage to speak out. That parents teach their child to listen to someone who is hurting and gets them help instead of poking fun at them. That we teach acceptance and understanding rather.
So for tonight.. I will pray about it and hope that I find some peace and answers. At the very least, the school will have to step up and have a program going forward to help teenagers. That I will not stop pushing for.
Send me your prayers and talk to your babies. Give them the tools to protect them from themselves.
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