A personal account of struggles

I have depression, anxiety and addicted to food.

I had a great childhood. Never abused or neglected.  Pretty much spoiled if you really come right down to it.  So I should be the happiest kid in the world, right.  Yep nope.

I start gymnastics when I was 6 or 7, I was told to lose weight then b/c they didn’t think I do the tumbling.  I remember standing there when the teacher told my mom that I was too big to tumble. I really didn’t understand what that meant, but I knew there was something wrong with me.

I was bullied in middle school b/c I was overweight.  My nickname was Jenny Who Ate too Many.  I confronted the girl who would say it and her answer was b/c she could and it was funny.   All I can remember is that I cried and cried in front of her and as she walked away. I felt defeated. 

I have been told I have such a pretty face.  Meaning, you could be a pretty girl if you could lose weight. 

I have been told that I would not find a husband if I didn’t lose weight.

I lost weight after college that was brought on by a guy who wouldn’t introduce me to his family b/c of my weight.  He liked me but not enough to see his family b/c he was embarrassed by my weight. And yes he said that was the reason.

At breakfast I would think about lunch and dinner and at night I would worry about what I would be eating the next day.  This has been my life, it is on my mind constantly, food is always there. 

I see food as an abusive boyfriend, I love him so much but he treats me so bad.  I’m an addicted to food.  It comforts me when I need it.  I stuff my pain with food.  When I get angry or frustrated is when I binge.  It is a way for me to calm down.  I will get anxiety when if I couldn’t eat, not that I’m starving or anything, but it is like I was going to miss out.  It has that kind of control over you. 

You may ask yourself, if I’m so unhappy with my weight why I don’t just lose the weight.  It’s a good question.  What I have found out is that I hide behind the weight.  I know I will fail at it so it is not that big of deal to me.  Now for me to fail at anything else, hold on to your socks b/c it is life crisis time.  Ask my former boss ;)  When I made a mistake at work, you thought I had broken some major law. Weeping and self-punishment talk.  I am VERY hard on myself.  B/c I have “failed” at losing weight, in my mind I cannot control it, so I have to control the other stuff around me.  This is why I get so mad and frustrated and then eat.  Fuscous cycle.

I have been in therapy since college when I was able to take myself to therapy.  I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Why did I cry all the time?  I didn’t enjoy stuff the way I should have?  I have gone through several therapists through my time to find the right one.  I finally have.  She makes me really look at the reason why I’m unhappy or why I use food to cover up my pain.  It is a bitch to really admit to certain things.  The things you only know and never will share b/c of what people would think of you. 

And then there is my husband.  YES girls I did find a husband without being thin.  He loves me for me.  The night he asked me to marry him, I cried and cried and all I could say  is that “You want me, you really want me”  Happy as I was I still didn’t think anyone would really want me for me.  And I did say yes at some point.    I have learned through my therapy that I have to talk.  I talk to him. I have told him about everything.  It helps keep me balanced and not try to fix it with food.    I put it all out there, which some days it is VERY hard, but I know I have to do it.  He is my rock and my hero.  He has saved me from myself more times that I can count.

I have been told that I am being over emotional and sensitive; my feelings are not valid, that it shouldn’t matter.  Well guess what, it does matters and I matter.   I MATTER!!!!!  And YOU MATTER!!!! Trust me it does get better, please believe that.  There are people out there that love you and will help you get through this.  You are not alone.  I repeat, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

This is someone who is a dear friend of mine who is speaking up. She will break the silence. Thank you Jennifer D for putting it all out there and sharing your story. You are brave! You are strong! You are breaking the stigma!!!!! 

You are an amazing and beautiful person inside and out!!!! 

1 out of 4 people suffer from a mental illness in there lifetime. If you are a family of 4 one of you at some point has struggled or will struggle. Remember to Speak up. Talk to your children, talk to your friends, talk to strangers, you never know when you could save someone's life just by showing that you care. 

Thank you to everyone who shares my blogs and reads them. We are making a difference. Thank you to those who have reached out to allow me to share their stories. It will take everyone digging themselves out the their holes, standing together, breaking the silence for this to work. Now is the time!!!! Now is our moment to break the stigma and share with people that we are not afraid. I am broken, but I will not be SILENT. 

SPEAK!!!!!

Suicide Prevention Education Awareness for Kids!!!!