I just can't do it without her....

My New different…I just can't do it....The alarm went off and I snoozed it and as my feet hit the floor the first time, I just couldn't do it. I pulled my knees back up and tucked them back into my blanket. I closed my eyes. This occurred for over an hour were the alarm would go off and I would muster enough courage for my feet to hit the ground, take a few steps realize I wasn't ready and I would crawl back in bed and close my eyes. Every time my feet hit the floor I was reminded that my mornings were forever different. That I wouldn't look over and see you getting in the shower, that I would never have you waking me up again. I would never have to get up early for student council. It was those moments that keep me incapable of getting further than a few steps from the bed. At this moment, all I wanted to do was to stay in bed forever to hide underneath the covers and stay forever because under the covers the world wasn't so scary. Under the covers, I could pretend as if nothing had changed. My alarm goes off again and again and again and again and again. I fight to put 1 foot on the floor and keep walking this time. I was able to this time. I pushed myself forward. I feel like a zombie walking through the hallways collecting my clothes, collecting a bath towel… I don't even remember which I did first. I finally got to the shower and I daydreamed about you. I daydreamed about walking out of the shower and hearing your blow dryer but I knew that wouldn't occur. That was not something that I was ever going to be able to hear again. As I continued trying to get ready one step at a time, I was left standing paralyzed over and over again.  Every single action reminded me of you. At certain parts in my morning before you left me you would come into the bathroom, same time every day… same routine every day…we were meticulous OCD with our mornings. At the point that I was blow drying my hair, you would be brushing your hair on the toilet seat with the cat in your lap telling me how cute she was and giggling. I would be telling you how beautiful you were as you would give me this whatever mom look.

As I finish getting ready this morning, I just didn't have it in me to pull myself all together. My heart searched for your smell…my heart bleeds with pain looking into your room where I know you will never lay down again. I will never see you blow drying your hair or collecting your things for school. It was at that moment that I just wanted to crawl underneath the covers and stop breathing with you. I realized I didn't have any shoes on and I needed to locate some shoes. I picked up my socks usually I would put my socks and shoes on in the living room while you ate breakfast but since your death I put my shoes on in the last place you laid every single day. I lay with you at least in my mind and I was I was sitting there I thought to myself how can I lose her? How can I continue to go on knowing she will never walk into the door again? She will never smile, laugh, hug, spend time with me. I struggled putting my shoes on and fighting back the tears. I struggled with not wanting to climb back in bed yet again and bury my head. It would be easy crawling to bed and forget is that the world didn't exist sometimes. I feel like the world forgets that I exist; that she existed so if I can feel forgotten then maybe I could be. Something gives me the will to push, the will to put on my shoes and stand up walk out the door and get my car.  I know I can make a difference. I know I'm broken but I'm still moving. I'm holding onto every piece I can of my former self. They are scattered all around me.

As I walk down the stairs to my car, I look back in the living room hoping for one last time to see her face sitting in the chair ready to grab her backpack and get in the car with me but that's not my reality anymore…my reality sucks…my reality is the unimaginable. As I'm driving to work I look over and I see this van and it says “Heaven Sent” it was for a nursing home and I became angry because Heaven sent me an angel 16 years ago and seven weeks ago Heaven gained that angel back. It's not fair... it's flat out bullshit…it's unacceptable and I don't know how to change the one choice that I have no control over. This is the one choice that is permanent… that I cannot fix!

Nothing I can do will ever change losing my daughter, nothing I can ever say or do will bring her back but there are things you can do. You are not powerless! You have the ability to tell Sara’s story! You have the ability to talk to your children to have those hard questions answered, to have those conversations about other things, to open up those lines of communication that I wish I had. I know that not everybody suffers in silence like Sara. Some do speak up and we need to listen to them.  Don’t argue with them. Try to understand what they feel and seek appropriate help. Don’t be afraid to ask them if they are thinking of have thought of hurting themselves? Most of all, love them. One in four in their lifetime may suffer from some type of mental illness that they hide. So if you’re a family of four, one person in your house may suffer from mental illness in your lifetime and most likely undetected un-diagnosed and untreated. Speak up and tell the world that it’s only to have a mental illness and it’s ok to not be society’s idea of perfect. Stop the stigma of mental illness. Know the signs and don’t be afraid to tell someone.