Sara,
Before you died, I wondered how long that I would live on this planet and how much I would get to see you grow up and see the world in your eyes. I wanted to live forever just so that I could be with you. I saw the world changing in your eyes. I saw a little piece of me that was ready to take on the world and change whatever was in her path. I made sure to go to my doctors visits and my check ups; to make sure that I was healthy making good choices because I wanted to be able to watch you grow up for as long as God would let me. I didn't think that it would be like this. Nothing in life that I've been through has prepared me for the last seven weeks of my life, I have seen more horrible things and lost more people that I love than I can count on two hands. The one person who is always been a constant in my life no matter what challenges I faced was you. I've grew up being a mom. I only know being a mom. I don't remember anytime in my life without you in it.
Now you're gone and I'm left scrambling to pick up the pieces of my shattered self. It feels like trying to glue something back that you've never seen or touched while someone is stabbing you in the heart repeatedly with a hot poker. You feel blind and you just don't know how you're going to do it. All while you're trying to accomplish the impossible, there's this giant pain emanating from the middle of your chest. It's constant and never stops it's always there whether you're sleeping or awake it never stops it feels like it's slowly chipping away at what's left of the pieces u are holding together.
To say I wasn't ready is an understatement but I wasn't ready it wasn't your time. I had so many plans so many future events that we were supposed to do together and that was taken away from me. I don't want to be angry but sometimes a sadness turns into anger and the anger turns into fear. The fear is what cripples me, makes me crumble. I'm incapable of overcoming the fear. The fear is my reality. The reality is is that you are gone. There is nothing that I can do or say that will ever change that. I have always been able to overcome every obstacle that someone has put in front of me. I've always been able to make a different choice and impact the outcome. This is the one thing the world that I didn't think I would have to face. This is the one thing the world I can't fix and I can't change.
Change...I've always hated change. Ask anyone who knows me, if it wasn't my decision it wasn't going to happen. I've always fought against change. I like things consistent. I drive the same way home every day. I go to the same grocery store. I get ready the same way every morning but now now is different. Everything is changed. Everything is turned upside down and inside out and nothing makes sense anymore. When I think I have a handle on it, it hits me. It hits me so hard that I'm completely incapable of functioning. You find yourself reminding yourself to breathe, to eat, to make a simple thought in your head seems impossible. I just can't do it. I don't know how. I know people are talking. I know they want answers but I don't have them. I don't know why.
What I do know is I'll never have any Mother's Day's with you again. I'll never watch and coach you on relationships. I'll never watch you get married. I'll never watch you have babies. I'll never watch you graduate from High school or college. There are so many I'll never's that they start to take over my brain. I'll never stop loving you. I will never stop speaking up and telling people your story because even if it breaks my heart and it's the last thing that I have to give, I will continue to speak up to save someone else. I've spent my entire life planning, prepping, and preparing. Every choice was calculated determined and executed the way that I wanted it to be executed the best way for our family, the best way for all of us and this choice goes against everything we ever dreamed and talked about. Your choice...I don't even know how to except the fact that you made a choice like this. How could someone decide that their life isn't worth living? How could you of all people in the world decide to leave us? I feel defenseless against the Tsunami building inside me. I feel ill prepared to handle the world every day.
Every day we make choices...we make choices on what to eat, what to drink, how to do our hair, what to wear...those are the easy choices to make for people. It's the internal struggles and the internal choices that create hell in our heads. Make the choice to speak up! Make the choice to not be silent with whatever you are facing and keep speaking up. I know what it feels like to slowly painfully feel like you have nothing left to give day after day. I know what it feels like to feel hopeless. I know what it feels like to struggle every day. I don't want to die. I want the pain to end and taking my life will only give my pain to anyone and everybody who knows me. What I am feeling right now won't ever stop but I know it will get easier. I also know that with each moment is a new opportunity. Each moment is a gift we honor by living. While I will never understand the why behind the action. I do understand to an extent the pain because your pain has exploded in my every part of who I am. Your pain now lives in my chest every day of every moment. This pain is unimaginable.
All the things, I wished I would've said. All the things, I would do...You are my life. You are my everything. I love you always. I will see you someday. You RENEA have some explaining to do.
Love always,
Sara's mommy forever
No comments:
Post a Comment