Fight for every breath, every breathe I take for two of us now...

How am I doing? I seem to get that question a lot but I am not sure ever on how to answer it. Do I tell you the truth or do I tell you want you want to hear. Most of the time, everyone gets the basic I am holding steady because that is what I am doing.  How are you supposed to be doing? I am not sure. Am I supposed to compare myself someone else who has lost someone? Am I supposed to compare myself to someone who isn't grieving? Am I supposed to compare myself to 8 weeks ago? I am not sure most of the time how to answer this question. If I am honest then maybe the person really isn't asking to know but out of obligation to ask. Or maybe my answer will make them uncomfortable. So I find myself most of the time. Telling everyone that I am breathing. That is all I am doing. I am remembering to breathe.  I fight for each breath I take. I am not good. I am just focusing on one action. Taking the next breathe. Sometimes that is all that I can do. Sometimes the loss of her hits me so hard that I find myself unable to speak, unable to reach out, unable to focus, unable to do anything  and I am holding my breath as if that will bring her back.  Most of the times it’s through the sobs when I find myself breathing. The other times, I am fighting with everything I have left to be present and here. There is part of me that is forever missing and I am not sure how to answer how I am doing. I appreciate when someone asks me rather than worrying if they are going to hurt me if they ask. Trust me when I say that there is no greater pain than losing your child that you could put on me at this point. The one thing I love to do is for someone to tell me a Sara story or ask me about her. I usually ask for them to write it down so I can put it in her book. Which I will continue to ask from anyone willing to type it out and send it to me. I am building her memory book and when I feel alone and sad, I read this book of memories of my daughter. I won’t have any more memories with her. I have to lean on others to share their memories. So again how am I doing? It depends on the moment. What is helping me get through each day is the fact that I have a good support team on call and I have been seeking treatment. I have EMDR once a week, therapy 2 times a week and group once a week.  The other thing is that I have talked to others who have lost their children to suicide and this helps a lot. Its a group we never wanted to belong to but we hold each other up. Even though she didn’t speak up others have, yet still felt so much hopelessness.  I don’t know exactly how long that she suffered, only that the pain must have been so unimaginable. I wish she would have talked to me so that we could show her that she had options. Her life matters. I tell myself that every day. I have to remind myself that there is hope. I know that I was not able to save my daughter because she didn't let me try. I wish every day that she would have let me try. At least let me give you everything I can, instead I feel like I failed her. Every day I remember that she didn't speak up. Every day I try to come up with others ways to save someone. So I am not sure how I am doing...I am getting from one minute to the next. Every time I think of the future, I get angry because she had so much potential. I wonder where she would have gone to school. How cool it would have been to do college tours. That was taken away from me. I never will have the privilege of seeing what she decided to do when she grew up. I won't have her to take care of me when I am old. I will have to live the rest of this life wondering "Why?" I will have to live the rest of my life reliving the nightmare of that night. So again, I tell you I am breathing that is all I can do from one moment to the next. I am giving 100% of what I have to give. Even if you feel as though I am not giving enough, its everything I have to stay out of my bed hiding under the covers. We all have our struggles, we all have our demons that attack us, one in four of us will face a form of mental illness in our life at some point in our life. There is no reason to be ashamed or hide it. I won't. I am more broken now than I ever thought I could be. But my fight isn't over. I will continue to stand up and bring awareness. You can to. Remember to speak up. If you are struggling then tell someone, if you know someone who is struggling then reach out and wait for a real answer, please remember that everyone matters. Your life matters. Remember you are loved and sometimes all you can do is just breathe. Keep breathing!!!!