Someone asked me what the point of the blog was...that is a
great question...it’s helping me find some comfort. Each time I talk about my
loss, I am helping myself and hoping to help someone else. It allows me to share with others how my day
is when I can’t pick up the phone or text or facebook. It allows me to have a
voice when I don’t have one to give. I find strength to go on to the next
moment because I know that someone is waiting to read it and share it and make
a difference. It’s also bringing
awareness to something that is taking our children lives every 12 minutes. It’s
the 2nd leading cause among teenagers. It’s for all the other Sara's out there
that are afraid to speak out and tell someone that they are hurting or that
something just isn’t right in your mind. It’s to help teenagers know that they
are loved and to just hold on, to show them how their choices can impact
thousands around them, to educate teenagers that there is help out there.
We
should be openly talking to our kids and at a young age about emotional safety.
Emotional
safety refers
to an emotional state achieved when an individual is
open and vulnerable. I will be the Martin Luther King of Mental
Illness…I have a dream where our children are not judged by the things in their
head but lifted up and carried when the weight becomes too much. So my mission/goal is to help people so I
started looking for resources are out there. What is missing? Well there is a
lot missing especially in schools and tools for parents. What can I get out to
teenagers to help them? How can we show them to have hope and to hold on, that
things will get better? That things DO get better. There is another option
other than taking their lives. Sara is not in a better place. She has transferred her pain to everyone around her. She didn't make the right choice. There are tons of organizations out there that
will give you the facts and statistics but are there things out there that
teenagers will use or will reach out to? What helped me when I was a teenager suffering
from depression and anger?
As a teenager I had a lot of hard times battling my own
demons but I didn't have the fairy tale childhood either. I had hard times in high school being picked on and even wrote about
death. Kids were cruel to each other. I will never forget this one girl who was
so mean to me. That was in 1998 and I still remember her name. Her name was
Emily. I was so depressed because I had lost my best friend in a car crash
and my grandma within 3 months of each other. I didn’t have the tools to cope.
Writing was my outlet but I found the courage to tell my mom that I was
struggling, I was scared and I was finding it more difficult to live without
Sara Ann. My mom listened and helped me find the right help that I needed to
protect me which will be different for each child but I gave her the ability to help me. I wanted the pain to end, not my life.
For those of you who don't know, my daughter Sara Renea was
named after my best friend in high school who was killed in 1997. Sara Ann and
Sara Renea are both angels now. I find moments where I blame myself for both of
their deaths. Sara Ann was killed by a driver who was on a cell phone. I was
that person on the other end of the line talking to the driver who lost control
of the car killing her and her boyfriend while the driver lived. I spent years
owning that blame wanting to be the one in the car not her. Her life had ended and I felt that didn’t have the
right to live without her. I could have saved her if only...if only I hadn’t
called...if only I had stayed on the phone longer...if only I had been in the
car with them...I was supposed to be in the car with them but my mom made me
come home. She said "nothing good ever comes out of changing your plans
last minute at 11 pm at night) She was right. Sara Ann dies that night in a car
accident.
Almost a year later, I found out I was having a baby girl. She gave me hope and showed me why I was still here. I was going to be the best mom and protect her from everything. She was my world. I knew
what to name her...Sara Renea which means Princess born again. It was perfect.
We always talked about how Sara Renea was named after Sara Ann. She knew how
special she was.
I fought those demons then and I will fight these now. I
have lost them both and I carry the burden of both of their deaths. Sometimes
it becomes overwhelming and my mind goes to a very dark place.
Sara made her
very bad choice. My choice is to live. To honor her by living and by reaching
others. Sara was always cheering people up. She had a heart of gold and would
do anything to help someone. We taught her to give more than to receive.
Suicide doesn't end the pain. They say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary
problem but only for that one person. Then that issue, that problem and many
more problems becomes everyone else's.
Choosing to end your life doesn't end the pain, it sends to
scattering to everyone around you. It’s a catastrophic event. There is no one person left standing as a
whole. The people living that are left behind are pieces of their former
selves. One person’s single action changes more than just one's pain. I find
myself thinking about how my choice would give my pain to others. How awful that would be...when I get angry at Sara for her bad choice, I also tell her that I love her. I will never agree with her choice but I will always love her and be her mom.
So when you find yourself in that place of darkness, I find
myself searching for hope. Then I hold on to that harder than I have held on to
anything. Telling myself that there are
good times that will come. I try to find
something to think of that is a happy thought or place. I go under the water
where it’s clear and I can see all the fish around me. I can breathe and swim
under water without assistance. It’s calming to me. I tell myself that it’s
just that moment that seems difficult. Most
of the time people who are suffering from depression appear to be the happiest
people around but in reality they are in a fight of their lives inside their
own heads. We need to learn that it’s ok to reach out for help; there are
thousands upon thousands of people who feel just like you do when you are
hurting. They can help you get through to the next moment. There are other ways
then medicines and hospitals to help; you just have to allow someone to help.
You need to speak up and not be silent. I know that it can be hard at times so
reach out to someone, anyone, even to me. I am in the battle of my life and we
can hold each other together. I love to
talk and I love to help people. Please
reach out. Know that your pain will not last forever and there is hope. There is
help out there. SPEAK UP! Don’t be
silent. We can cure suicide if we all do our part in talking about what is in
our heads and what is bothering us.
Please continue to share my story. Please continue to talk
about Sara and her story. Her picture should be the poster child for suicide….why
because she didn’t show the documented signs and symptoms. Most kids don’t. They
are never too young to talk with kids about how they feel. Be aware of what your children are searching
on line but know that they can and will hide it from you. It’s easier to have
an open conversation about feelings and asking those hard questions, than it is
to catch them searching something they aren’t supposed to. Break your own
silence. If you struggled or struggle with depression, openly talk about it. This
is the only way that we will break the stigma and help each other.
As I find myself trying to learn how to go on to the next moment I search for anything that I can find to help other Sara's out there.
Here is an on-line screening you can take for yourself or on your child. It free and takes just a few moments. At the very least, try it. I did. I wish I had know about this a long time ago. I wish I didn't have to find it this way.
How are you feeling?
Mental health is a key part of your overall health. Brief screenings are the quickest way to determine if you or someone you care about should connect with a mental health professional - they are a checkup from your neck up. This program is completely anonymous and confidential, and immediately following the brief questionnaire you will see your results, recommendations, and key resources.
HELP YOURSELF, HELP OTHERS
http://screening.mentalhealthscreening.org/hyho
SPEAK UP!!! Sara's Silence will be heard!!! If I have to yell
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